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Everything posted by Krankor

  1. OK, so a guy is attracted to you and after 3-4 months of apparently dating he started asking for sex. When you asked "why" he paid you a compliment; albeit a (very) marginally crude one but a compliment nonethless, and that made you feel ugly? What? I am 41 years-old and I've never been in a relationship in which I've had to wait more than 2 months for sex. That is admittedly possibly slightly unusual but hardly bizarre. Let me tell you: this guy likes you. He likes your personality, he likes your face, and, yes, he likes your body. If he were just going for sex he would have lost patience by now. Yeah, he's starting to push for sex--I'm surprised it took him this long--because he's a dude and he has hormones. But he also just really likes you. The longer a guy is willing to wait the more he likes you and the more attractive he finds you.
  2. I do have one rule: if we would consider certain behavior from men abusive then that behavior is by definition abusive coming from a woman. If you find yourself making excuses for that woman that you wouldn't make for a man then you are guilty of applying a double standard. Being (apparently) the father you do have to be careful given our current societal and legal climate. I would speak to an attorney to get a realistic autopsy of your rights and responsibilities, but under basically no circumstances would I put up with an abusive relationship like the one you currently occupy.
  3. It sounds as if she is feeling smothered in your relationship. It could be that you push for too much of her time, she may just be the type who needs her alone time, or, unfortunately, it could be a sign of waning interest on her part. I'd recommend just giving her her space. Go and do your own thing, don't inundate her with texts and calls, and wait for her to suggest getting together the next time. However, you do have your needs that must be kept in mind. You say you are feeling neglected, so if this continues it may be time to figure out whether you two are compatible in terms of time together vs. alone time.
  4. Well, this isn't going to get any better. Ever. This will never...get...better. I'm repeating myself because it's important that you understand this concept. As long as you are with this woman this is how your life is going to be and this is what you are going to have to put up with. I was in a very similar situation to yours several years ago with a controlling, smothering, clingy woman. I don't think we had a single evening out that she didn't end up ruining with her pettiness. However, as nasty as she could be to me I really did care about and love her. I still do really care about her and want her to be well. I saw the pain that lay beneath her actions. But she was impossible to live with. She was impossible to have a relationship with. When I finally ended things I felt bad about it and even missed her, but I never once regretted it or felt as if I'd made a mistake. Life is absolute hell with a controlling, smothering, clingy partner.
  5. Well, this is what domestic violence actually (usually) looks like: men and women arguing and escalating until they end up in a physical altercation. People have an image in their heads of domestic violence as some hairy, stubbled guy in a wife beater slapping the lady around because she overcooked his eggs, and while that scenario does exist it is actually relatively uncommon. So, no, you aren't that guy. But you are in a (probably) toxic relationship that you are contributing to with your drinking and reciprocal violence. Your girlfriend didn't have any right to try to restrain you from leaving and she sure as hell had no right to slap you, even if she had someehat good intentions--from what you describe she may have been trying to stop you from driving drunk. But you are also culpable; you drank too much for one thing. For another you should have just disengaged and let her leave instead of inflamming the situation farther, and you shouldn't have slapped her back unless it was turning into a self-defense situation. Instead of beating yourself up over this let it be a wake up call. For one thing you are with a woman who is willing to resort to violence which pretty much disqualifies her as a partner. For another you may need to look at your drinking. For a third you need to work on some healthier conflict resolution skills.
  6. As long as you are in this relationship you are going to have to deal with men trying to poach her away from you. That is just the reality of dating a highly attractive woman. The wolves are always going to be lurking around the cabin and it doesn't help that your girlfriend--intentionally or not--likes to throw them some fresh meat fairly often. So, again, just something you are going to have to deal with. I would just accept that whatever is going to happen is going to happen, assume you have something going for you that the other guys don't, and don't worry about it. Don't be an idiot or a doormat, however, if you ever feel that she is crossing a line. There's jealous and controlling and then there is having reasonable boundaries. Which leads me to the issue of the ex-husband. Look, you've walked into a situation that is working for your girlfriend, it's working for her ex, and it's working for their girls, perhaps most importantly. And you are left feeling like a fifth wheel in your own relationship. I don't blame you one bit. I think I would feel the same. But you've raised your hand and voiced your concerns and were called "jealous and controlling." Now I think that's unfair. Again, reasonable boundaries aren't jealous and controlling and you just want to see her make a few reasonable accommodations for her new man. I mean, if she's not willing to do that why even enter another relationship, right? Hell, why not just remarry the ex. But that's just not how she sees it. She has put you on notice that this is how things are going to be. Your mind has already run a cost/benefit analysis on this situation and has decided that if this is the price of having your beautiful, model girlfriend then so be it. As time goes on your mind will keep running that analysis. Eventually you may come up with a different answer.
  7. This post is a textbook example of female hypergamy. Women tend to look for a man of at least equal status--preferably higher--and are rather loathe to date or marry "down." Men tend to be far more flexible. It's not at all unusual to see a male doctor married to a female nurse; it's pretty unusual to see a female doctor married to a male nurse. The problem is that in our modern world--a world in which 62% of college students are women and women under 30 are now out-earning men their age--many women have unfortunately largely priced themselves out of the market. Unfortunately for you, that tall, handsome, successful 40-year-old man who you feel would be at your level is focused in on the under 35 crowd, because, frankly, he can afford to be. So what is the answer for you? For one thing please let the man you are seeing go. Nobody needs to spend his/her life being looked down on. Then just keep trying while not being obsessed over it. There are so many niche dating sites out there now that I'll bet you can find one that caters to your needs and wants.
  8. Ahh, I stand corrected then. The study I read about looked at what women reacted well to in men, but it makes sense that it would work both ways.
  9. You've gotten some good advice here: I would cut out the "drama-free" bit too. I know what you mean; most men do. But I think some women may find that kind of insulting, like you're the sort of guy who labels all his exes as "crazy." Also a piece of weird, random advice: post a picture of yourself in a red shirt. Studies show that gets good results. It sounded very odd to me but I tried it and my responses and "she likes you" doubled instantly.
  10. I would just say "Hey, you remember how I told you I wanted to keep things platonic? Yeah, about that..." My guess--and I could be way off--he'll be very glad to hear it. I mean, the guy is still going way out of his way to spend time with you. It sounds as if he's still hopeful. However, TWT does have a point: could this really work out given the logistics? Just something to think about before you go forward. But if you do decide to go forward, just be direct.
  11. Well, even though it was only a few dates and not a relationship, I think it's a lot of the same sort of thing. The guy was probably starting to really like you, probably thought you were on the same wavelength, you disappointed him, and now his attitude is "I don't need or want your pity friendship or even friendliness." Probably not the most mature response but I think that's probably what's going on there. In a way getting rejected after a few dates can be the toughest blow to the ego. It's one thing to ask a woman out and get rejected: "Oh well, you are going to swing and miss more often than hit. Her loss; she'd have liked me if she'd have given me a chance." Getting dumped after several months obviously hurts more but it isn't quite the same blow to the ego: "Well, her feelings fizzled eventually but at least she thought enough of me to enter a relationship with me." But getting rejected after a few dates? That one's rough because it's easy to take it like "Well, I gave you a shot and you didn't make the cut. Sorry." Not that you did anything wrong, of course. I just think that's what's going on.
  12. I got dumped once by a woman I still work with. I ignored her for a while as much as possible while still doing my job. Was there some butt-hurtness behind that? Yeah, there was. I admit it. There was a sense of "you don't get to dump me and then have me still be friendly with you. That's not how this works. I have my pride." But I also was legitimately just trying to get over her. I will admit that once I let myself be friendly with her again I actually felt better about everything. But I had to be ready for that.
  13. I'm far more friendly about it but that's pretty much the stance I take with any woman who dumps me. "Not interested in friendship; contact me if you ever change your mind about things."
  14. People do tend to dole out the "No contact. None whatsoever. The minute you get dumped is the last interaction you should ever have with your ex" advice in a "one-size fits all" way. However, for many people I think it's the only thing that will ever work in order to get over the ex. For others it probably only breeds more obsession. To use your cake analogy, some people just can't do moderation and are best off to never touch cake, while for others having a piece here and there will keep them sane.
  15. OK, new theory. Originally I postulated that she was disinterested from the start but happily allowed this guy to stroke her ego. Upon seeing him again she shut him down. Now that I've thought this over I think it is actually possible that she initially was interested. I mean, you don't get to be a federal LEO by being an unimpressive loser. The OP is probably (at least) pretty in shape, fairly intelligent, fairly ambitious, and fairly stable. However he screwed up when he gave her the chocolate bar. I wonder if she would have actually given him her number if he would have asked, but the chocolate bar instead was like "Dude...what? No." I wonder if that's where it all went off the rails.
  16. By the end, yes. I would agree. He kind of tripped all over himself trying to clear the air with her and just made things worse. In my opinion he should have bowed out gracefully after he asked her about the chocolate and got the cold "I don't care for sweets" response. Something like "OK, well it was nice talking to you again. Have a good rest of your shift" and then turned his attention back to the people he was talking to before. But he wasn't being pushy at first. He just said "hi" to her after having had a nice interaction with her a few weeks back and hit an ice wall right away.
  17. I don't think he's denying here that he was interested in her. I do think that after she rejected him he tried to save face by backpedalling a bit about just wanting to add her to the friends pile. But I also think that by the end there he understood she wasn't interested and really was just trying to clear the air. I do get it; some men (and probably women) just get too pushy with their interest, don't take "no" for an answer, and force women to be rude and blunt. All I'm saying is that she didn't need to default to that right away. I can even understand why she did; she was probably thinking "I don't want to go through the whole rigamaroll with this guy; let me just shut all this down right now." But that's kind of inconsiderate. And no, she doesn't "owe" him anything, but I don't know why people have a hard time understanding why he was taken aback by her abrupt change between their two interactions. I really think many of the posters here maybe feel the need to justify women sometimes being rude to men who are interested; maybe thinking back to examples in their own lives dealing with a too pushy man. I just don't think it was warranted in this situation. I do think it would have probably been best if at the end of their first conversation he would have just asked for her number instead of giving her a candy bar. I think he preferred to first continue to try to establish rapport and a connection before just flat out expressing his interest. I don't see that as manipulative or anything like that. I just see that as, well, an approach. I have to wonder though if he had asked for her number people here would have been like "Whoa, dude. Slow your roll. You just met the woman and she's at work." It sometimes seems as if a man who is interested in woman who isn't interested back is either too forward or too ambiguous which translates as "creepy."
  18. He said in one of his responses that he's law enforcement. Actually, nurses hitting on cops is probably more common than the other way around.
  19. Both times he ran into her he was working. He didn't go back specifically just to see her; he was there for work. He's a cop and his job duties are going to send him to the hospital from time to time. It's not like he was there for no good reason. Cops dating and marrying nurses is actually pretty common, probably partially just because they cross paths often. I get what you are saying; sometimes men don't get the point and press the issue until the woman is forced to be rude. What I'm saying is that there was no progression to that here; not really anyway. I mean, there KIND OF was because he did press a little bit, but I just don't see why she couldn't have politely turned him down first before resorting to accusing him of being inappropriate. It's a matter of degrees between polite and friendly and cold and rude. She just jumped from one right to the other. She missed a few steps. Her right, but also his to find that pretty rude.
  20. I think you're kind of projecting your own experience at the bar onto this one and they are quite different. In your case you had a guy who just wasn't getting the hint. You progressed from politely turning him down to getting cold to finally telling him off when he got way inappropriate. There was an escalation that happened in steps, in other words. In the OP's case he had a very pleasant interaction with this woman the first time. They had a nice talk and she graciously accepted a small gift from him. Then when he ran into her again she pulled a complete 180 and iced him right out of the gate. That would be a little jarring. Obviously he believed that they'd made more of a connection the first time they met than they actually had. He needed to be disabused of that notion but it could have been handled differently on her part.
  21. I just meant that "garbage" comment in general. No, I wouldn't say that she treated him like garbage, but I do think she was kind of rude. You are right; we all know that he wasn't just looking for friendship. That was him (understandably) trying to save face. But I do think by the end he was beginning to realize that things weren't going to turn out the way he'd hope and really was just trying to clear the air and get things back to the positive note that their last interaction had seemingly ended on. Ideally, the OP would have gotten the hint right away after he said "hi" to her. But if it is as he describes there was just such a disconnect between their first interaction and the second that I really don't blame him for wanting to further explore and press the issue a bit.
  22. That makes sense, but I'd ask you to see things from the male perspective as well. We are still the ones expected to take the risks and put ourselves out there while women basically get to sit back and be the gatekeepers; saying either yes or no. Now your role as gatekeeper means that here and there you'll have to deal with a guy who is way too persistent about getting through that gate. That can't be fun. But it's also not fun having to always risk rejection in order to find love and sex, especially with the attitude some women seemingly have that certain guys should just somehow know better than to even approach them. As far as you finding a guy "creepy" no, you aren't under any obligation to that man. However, what you need to realize is that your assessment of him has to do with your own feelings and isn't necessarily an accurate reflection of him as a human being. He could be a wonderful citizen, employee, son, brother, uncle, etc. There is just something about him that YOU specifically don't like. That's fine. But treating him like garbage over a "feeling" you have about him is kind of mean. It's your right, but it's still pretty mean. Like I said in my original post, if the guy won't take a hint, let him have it. He brought it on himself. But I just don't think it's at all necessary to default to that.
  23. Also, I'd add this: if she takes her relationship with her boyfriend so seriously that she is basically clutching at her pearls and retiring to her fainting couch over a man asking her to coffee then why was she basking in the OP's attention and accepting gifts from him when they'd first met? You can't say that she didn't know what was happening, otherwise she wouldn't have immediately turned on the ice machine the moment she saw him the second time.
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