Ready to date the ugly guy?

[vivianmoon]

Hi,

 

I am actually a little shy about asking this question because I´m scared I´m going to come across as too vain but I really need some advice.

 

After not having a boyfriend or even a love interest for some years I met this guy at work, who is well....not cute at all. Somehow we ended up becoming good friends because we have various things

in common. I heard rumours going around saying that he liked me but thats because according to people in my office, I am a very "pretty" girl.

Well one day, this guy and I were alone at the office and we ended up kissing. By this point, my feelings for him are very confused. I am very attracted to his mind but not how he looks. There also a few more problems about him. I am what some people in the office consider "rich girl." And he is well, lets say he has a very limited amount of money. Not only that but he has bad manners and makes jokes that sometimes make other people uncomfortable. My parents have met him, and of course he did not make the right impression with them. However, he is regarded in the office as a sweet and sentimental guy.

 

The point is I don´t know what to do. I feel he is very sweet and comprehensive with me, but I fear he only behaves that way because I´m the "pretty rich girl." and he´d be stupid to pass an opportunity like that.

We do share many things in common and I feel we genuinely are friends as thats how we started getting along in the first place. But...I don't know if I want to take another step since well...the fact he is a ugly does stop me from making this decision. I feel very vain by saying this, but it is actually a real fact that goes through my mind and I can´t ignore it. Everyday I get more invested in this relationship but I worry that years later when the "honeymoon stage" is over, the fact he is ugly with come back to haunt me and I´ll want to leave him because of it. At the same time, I´ve been looking for a guy as sweet and patient and comprehensive as he is but I don´t know if he is being genuine.

 

I don´t know what to do. Please any advice?

[Blue Dreamer]

Physical attraction is a 100% natural human experience. You are not vain, you are human. No reason to feel guilty. That said, looks aside 100%, could you potentially see yourself marrying and having this man be the father of your children?

[chitown9]

Physical attraction is a 100% natural human experience. You are not vain, you are human. No reason to feel guilty. That said, looks aside 100%, could you potentially see yourself marrying and having this man be the father of your children?

 

Hmmm......do you want to have ugly children? chi

[boltnrun]

I've seen the most physically unattractive people with lovely children. And I've seen extremely attractive couples with homely children.

 

It's a crapshoot.

[Capricorn3]

Wouldn't it be awesome if this world would judge people by their personality and not what they look like? It is not uncommon to find that the people who some consider "ugly", are usually found to be the nicest, most decent people and those who people see as "hot" and "perfect" and "gorgeous" are many times not very pleasant people at all.

 

I was going to say give the guy a chance, but then again, on the other hand, it may be kinder to let this one go.

[dias]

Wouldn't it be awesome if this world would judge people by their personality and not what they look like? It is not uncommon to find that the people who some consider "ugly", are usually found to be the nicest, most decent people and those who people see as "hot" and "perfect" and "gorgeous" are many times not very pleasant people at all.

 

I was going to say give the guy a chance, but then again, on the other hand, it may be kinder to let this one go.

Appearance has nothing to do with personalty.It doesn't mean that someone who is ugly "has" to be "nice" or someone who is good looking "has" to be unpleasant.

 

OP, if looks are so important to you just don't date him.

[Blue Dreamer]

Hmmm......do you want to have ugly children? chi

 

I would never think like that. That is a shallow perspective on life. I want a happy family, not a pretty one, even in the shallow world of SoCal. I am from SoCal and own a beach home in San Clemente. It is inside is what matters at end of day. That was my point and why I asked the question I did.

[SherrySher]

You are already thinking that he is beneath you with how you speak. Talking like you are a huge catch for a loser like him. You are "the pretty and rich" girl and he is the" ugly poor loser".

Then you go on to say that YOU might regret it years down the road, again...assuming that he is still going to be kissing your feet and happy to have you.

 

Do this guy a favour and find someone else.

You will never see him as your equal and you seem to think you're heads above him. That's not right on any level.

Let this poor guy be and maybe deflate that big head of yours a tad, it's not attractive.

[TheRawTruth]

I've heard women say that a man's personality can make him more attractive. I don't know if that's true, but I've heard it more than once from women who said they'd dated ugly guys. So if this is true his looks will actually be LESS of a factor after the honeymoon period.

 

What's troubling here (the part that nobody has mentioned) is that you don't TRUST him. You can't tell if he's genuine, he offends people, and your parents were anything BUT impressed when they met him. Let's focus on THOSE issues for a moment with a couple of questions...

 

1. If he was attractive, would those other things you dislike about him stop you from going further, or no?

 

2. How concerned ARE you about these other issues?

 

3. If he IS "only after you because you're pretty", is that any different than you NOT being sure about him because he's UGLY? I mean, in this case, you're BOTH shallow. lol So you're EQUAL.

 

I say just keep things as they are for now, but keep your eyes open. Eventually, you'll be able to see if he's truly genuine or not. You'll also be able to decide if his looks are just too bad to ignore, or if your FEELINGS are too STRONG to ignore. Good luck!

[KMO7970]

Tread carefully with this one, I would say, and you don't necessarily have to close the door completely on him. Just go slowly!

 

I had a similar situation years ago. I met a guy who was going to sing in a musical group with me. I wasn't really physically attracted to him, but his personality was great and it did bring up his physical attractiveness level in my eyes...

 

...until it didn't. He was sweet but not too bright. We had wildly different opinions on things. He got lazy and quit his job, while I continued to do 2-hour daily commutes and work 40 hours a week. He let himself go even more, physically, while I worked my butt off with distance running and yoga. We grew further and further apart and I felt I could and should "do better." When he asked me to marry him 2 years later, I said no and haven't looked back to this day.

 

I do believe that only time and getting to know someone can truly reveal to a person how he or she feels about them and the relationship. Be careful not to let it go too far if you keep finding yourself feeling less than stellar about this guy, though. Also consider the aftermath of a possible breakup with a guy you work with. It can be awkward at best, heinous at worst. Good luck!

[greta96]

If it wasn't for this bit: "he has bad manners and makes jokes that sometimes make other people uncomfortable" I would say give him a chance and the chemistry may develop over time. Or I would join the others in saying you should do the kind thing and let him go, since you can't look past the exterior.

But according to your post, he doesn't have a best personality either, which makes me think you are only slightly interested in him because there is no other option in sight.

 

Why not make it clear to him that you'd rather just stay friends, then take your time until the right guy comes along? You say you're pretty, well to do financially, come from a good family...why the rush and the desperation to be with someone just to say you're not single? Be patient and I'm sure you won't stay on the market long. Focus on yourself, making friends (outside from the people at work), get yourself out there and I'm sure before you know it you will have quite a few better options than the one you're presented with right now.

[j.man]

One of my best relationships was with a woman who-- though not to suggest I'm some big catch-- was pretty lacking in the looks department. The big difference is that there was never a question of whether I could get over her looks. Her personality and chemistry actually made it so it wasn't until afterward that I realized it, and not in any sort of vindictive way, either. And that's not to say I'm some open-minded yoga master who gives any uggo the time of day. By and large, I'm pretty discriminatory when it comes to looks and dating. You're allowed to be.

 

But, ultimately, if you're seriously on the fence because of looks, then he's not the guy for you. Even if it's just a little nagging thought in your mind and not a full out conflict, I'd say he's not right.

 

Find someone who you don't look at and think "oof." I can guarantee you'd appreciate it if a guy who thought that of you didn't agree to go on dates with you.

[Wolfshook]

Physical attraction is important part of relationship.

 

That being said,my ex did have some flaws that made me question if I'd go on a second date with her. And giving her chance was the best (and the worst) decision I've ever made. So much that it took me a year to be even remotely over her.

[Matt3939]

I think the problem is you come across in your post as thinking you are better than him. If it was oh I don't find such and such attractive but I love how he does. Then it would be a different story.

[johnnydanger]

How ugly is he, really? Is he big hook nose, cross eyed, with out of control eyebrows and nose hairs ugly, or is it that you just don't find him attractive enough? I see ugly guys with nice looking women and vice versa, but they aren't truly ugly. Even some of the most hideous women can look pretty hot with one of those TV style makeovers.

 

In any case, it's probably not the best idea to get involved with someone from your work.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately it's not a good idea to date a coworker and it's never a good idea to string anyone along.

 

If you just want some male attention, get on some dating apps and seek out guys who you don't work with and who you are attracted to..

Well one day, this guy and I were alone at the office and we ended up kissing. By this point, my feelings for him are very confused. I am very attracted to his mind but not how he looks. I´ve been looking for a guy as sweet and patient and comprehensive as he

[catfeeder]

It makes no sense to involve yourself with a coworker, much less one you're not even attracted to. You've just set yourself up to have miserable days every. single. workday. Either things go south and you hurt his feelings--or worse, you trap yourself in a relationship with someone you're not even attracted to just to avoid hurting his feelings.

 

Sounds like a desperate move from loneliness will turn into a time in your life where you only wish you could be lonely again in peace.

[Lucha]

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. If you were really interested in this guy I don't think you'd be calling him ugly. Sure maybe he is a little less attractive than some other guys you dated but if you really dig him then you would overlook the looks department. Imperfections can even become cute. How it'll be when the honeymoon is over I don't know, but here the honeymoon hasn't even started yet and you're already devaluating his looks. Not a good sign. Either get over the issue or date someone else who is attractive to you?

[Imhurtagain]

The last 2 guys I have dated have been ...well not ugly... But EVERYONE has told me I am out of their league. I didn't feel that way at all because I loved them. But now that they are my exes I am using that as a crutch to help get over them. Lol.

I will say that if you date an ugly guy, they will get a crazy god complex and believe if they can get you, they can get anyone! It happened to me twice. They begin to wonder what other newer pretty shiny objects they can get! Grass is greener everywhere else. The first ex realized there is no greener grass and will NOT leave me alone. I have begged him but he persists! The new one broke up with me 6 weeks ago for a trashy ho who recently got arrested. Sooo...their insecurities may make them go a little whacko.

[JaggerJim]

How ugly is he, really? Is he big hook nose, cross eyed, with out of control eyebrows and nose hairs ugly, or is it that you just don't find him attractive enough? I see ugly guys with nice looking women and vice versa, but they aren't truly ugly. Even some of the most hideous women can look pretty hot with one of those TV style makeovers.

 

In any case, it's probably not the best idea to get involved with someone from your work.

 

Looool big hook nose.....

[JaggerJim]

The last 2 guys I have dated have been ...well not ugly... But EVERYONE has told me I am out of their league. I didn't feel that way at all because I loved them. But now that they are my exes I am using that as a crutch to help get over them. Lol.

I will say that if you date an ugly guy, they will get a crazy god complex and believe if they can get you, they can get anyone! It happened to me twice. They begin to wonder what other newer pretty shiny objects they can get! Grass is greener everywhere else. The first ex realized there is no greener grass and will NOT leave me alone. I have begged him but he persists! The new one broke up with me 6 weeks ago for a trashy ho who recently got arrested. Sooo...their insecurities may make them go a little whacko.

 

So what are you saying? That without you by their sides, they are hopeless? Whatever gets you to sleep at night sweetheart!

[vsvalerie]

Hi Vivian

 

I made an account just to respond to you. Because this question is tricky but I relate to it. It seems to me you are romantically interested in a guy, but you feel conflicted about it because there are certain qualities you dislike about him. These qualities may bother you now, and you're worried they may bother you more later. I'm here to tell you, you are most likely right.

 

If you are feeling on some level, or any level, that this guy isn't going to cut it for certain reasons, please listen to yourself. It sounds vain, it sounds shallow, but if its true, then so be it. You do not need to feel guilty for being honest with yourself.

 

In my experience, I've often gotten the guy that wants me, not the guy I want. See what I'm saying here? In my past, I accepted the guy that showed an interest in me. It was a passive decision-- "he's not the ideal guy, but I do enjoy {insert excuse here} about him, so why not". It is much more fulfilling and more natural when there's a man who is full of life, ambition, and actively demonstrates reasons why he would be a great addition to your life. This is what you want and deserve.

 

All I'm saying is please be true to yourself. If you keep hushing your own opinion, you will be full of regret and resentment later. He barely reaches your standards now, and the more you grow closer, the more your expectations will grow. Once he falls behind, which lets be honest he is already behind, you will be in a situation where you have to decide: is it finally time for me to face the truth (that he is not a satisfactory partner for whatever reason), or will I keep denying my own feelings for the sake of being in a relationship.

 

My testimony is as follows. I think highly of myself, and despite this, I have settled for guys that do not reach my standards time and time again. Each time, it feels like oh but he's great! But there are glaring flaws that become unbearable as time goes on. You learn from this and take note of things you like, dislike, and what's a total deal breaker. Then you continue ENJOYING life as best you can, doing activities that make you happy, and before you know it, someone perfect for you will cross your path.

 

Yes, I went without physical affection or loving for a LONG TIME which sucked as a young woman, but filtering guys based on what I know to be true about myself & dating needs, saved me a lot of confusion and heartache. Always wondering why he doesn't do this, won't do that. Wait it out until the guy you actually WANT comes along, and you will laugh at the idea of settling for a guy you already know isn't right for you.

 

Oh and by the way, from the guys perspective, it is a terrible feeling to sense you are beneath your girl. Even if the facts are so clear, for his own pride he eventually will want to/have to think he's better than you, which will really piss you off considering he was never all that to begin with, and you had to literally convince yourself that it was a good idea to date him. You are pretty, and thoughtful, and understanding. Someone 100000x better will see these qualities and you will not doubt the compatibility or potential for love between the two of you.

[Batya33]

If you are not physically attracted to him and don't desire to kiss him -put his physical features aside - I'm talking about chemistry and attraction which can be unrelated to actual physical features - then let him find someone who is. Find someone who appreciates him and admires him too. It's unclear to me why you're considering him in the first place with all the negatives.

[vsvalerie]

So what are you saying? That without you by their sides, they are hopeless? Whatever gets you to sleep at night sweetheart!

 

Have you considered maybe she's not a stuck up person telling herself lies to feel better. Some guys really are ty partners, so why are you here defending them against someone sharing their story, and expressing what happened to them? It sounds like her comment offended you personally. Is there someone who is better off without you, as the previous post indicated she is better off without her exes?

[Betterwithout]

I am a huge people watcher, (airports are my favorite). One thing I notice with couples is that they are almost always equally attractive.

 

I think it's important to be attracted to many parts of the person, looks and personality.

Back when I was dating, I went on three dates with a woman who was awesome in all ways, we couldn't stop laughing together, could talk for hours, she was intelligent and I could

see myself married to her. The only thing holding me back is that I just didn't feel attracted to her looks. I realize I'm no Brad Pitt, but I need to like what I see across the table for the relationship to work. I really struggled, feeling shallow af, but ultimately I didn't want to string her along and we parted ways. Looking back, it was a good choice, because attraction is key, and I'm sure she found someone who found her attractive, it just wasn't me.

 

Maybe it was the pheromones the researchers talk about.