Is this a red flag?

[Wiseman2]

True. And after some time, he'll need space to go work on himself some more.

a. being honest; and b. attempting to work on himself? Should he lie and continue to be a "player"?

[seltzer]

OP.

 

"I just don't want to immediately dismiss him if he's actually addressing an issue."

 

Whatever psychological problems underlie his reluctance to commit, how do you actually KNOW he is consulting a therapist, aside from what he just tells you.

 

He says "he knows he has a problem". Have you discussed this problem with him, and his progress with the therapist?

 

Well how do we ever know if anything anyone tells me is true? I don't know. And I didn't follow up much because I didnt know if I wanted to see him again so I wasn't going to pry into his personal life is there was a chance I wouldn't talk to him anymore.

[ParisPaulette]

He told me that he has commitment issues. I asked him what he meant by that. He explained that all of the women he's had a relationship with, he's been very invested in the relationship in the beginning and eventually just doesn't care for them anymore and breaks up with them. He then told me he "knows it's a problem" and that he's "working on it by going to therapy".

 

Oh hell yeah it's a red flag!!!!

 

He's pulling the old, "But I TOLD you so, now you cannot ask me to commit because you were warned... I told you, remember?" Run like hella now before you get more attached.

 

This is what's known as hiding in plain sight and setting you up to never dare ask him for anything in the way of commitment. This also gets used when you find them cheating (I can't commit, remember?) or many other unsavory things he may get involved with and you will then have zero leg to stand on, because yes you were warned.

 

When people tell you and show you who they are in the beginning you need to believe them. Not do the old Las Vegas, well I know I'm seeing all manner of people who have gone broke and ended up on the streets BUT that's not gonna be me. I'm lucky. (Pulls the lever for the 500th time then starts thinking maybe it's time to sell the car, so you can go back and pull that lever again 'cause you got a good feeling on this one.)

 

And most people like him are very charming and personable and good at reeling people in. Otherwise nobody would put up with their ship.

[seltzer]

True. And after some time, he'll need space to go work on himself some more.

 

Listen, I'm not saying I'm investing more time into him. I just can't fathom how his actions are preposterous.

[JaggerJim]

Listen, I'm not saying I'm investing more time into him. I just can't fathom how his actions are preposterous.

 

So why not just date him anyway and see for yourself? You asked for opinions!!!!!

[Hermes]

No one said his actions are "preposterous".

 

Posters are explaining the profile of this type of person. These individuals live in a world of their own, and even therapists find them hard going.

[seltzer]

So why not just date him anyway and see for yourself? You asked for opinions!!!!!

 

I think you're misunderstanding what I'm saying. I'm why would wiseman knock a person who was honest and in therapy for an issue? That is completely different than whether I should or should not date this person. I just don't get why a person would knock a person for acknowledging an issue and seeking help.

[JaggerJim]

I think you're misunderstanding what I'm saying. I'm why would wiseman knock a person who was honest and in therapy for an issue? That is completely different than whether I should or should not date this person. I just don't get why a person would knock a person for acknowledging an issue and seeking help.

 

It does not matter why wiseman said it, that's his opinion. Just like my opinion. I said just go and date him anyways.

[seltzer]

No one said his actions are "preposterous".

 

Posters are explaining the profile of this type of person. These individuals live in a world of their own, and even therapists find them hard going.

 

Wiseman said "Gotta love the balls to say he's 'in therapy' for being a player."

That's all I was responding to. Not anyone's opinions on this man's dating potential. It was misunderstood, so my apologies.

[Hermes]

Seltzer.

 

any chance you would answer my question.

 

How do you know he is in therapy? When, where and which therapist?

 

And once more, with feeling.

 

"..he's been very invested in the relationship in the beginning and eventually just doesn't care for them anymore and breaks up with them."

 

That is the real heart of the matter here.

[seltzer]

Seltzer.

 

any chance you would answer my question.

 

How do you know he is in therapy? When, where and which therapist?

 

I did answer it. I said "Well how do we ever know if anything anyone tells me is true? I don't know. And I didn't follow up much because I didnt know if I wanted to see him again so I wasn't going to pry into his personal life if there was a chance I wouldn't talk to him anymore."

[Ms Darcy]

Yes, six months is short, unless you're just sticking around for sex.

I don't know for sure. I don't know why he'd tell me otherwise, though. He knows that I won't have sex until I'm in a relationship with a man. Why would he waste his time dating me or attempting to string me along if he knows he won't get sex from me? He's young, successful, and attractive, I'd imagine he has no issues finding sex if that's what he's looking for.

I just don't want to immediately dismiss him if he's actually addressing an issue. But if everyone is so convinced it's a major red flag, than obviously I am being blinded.

 

Well, this is what I am hearing ....

 

Handsome dude: Seltzer, I'm going to break up with you after a while.

Seltzer: Does that mean I should stop seeing you?

Handsome dude: No, no. I'm in therapy or whatever. Let's get in a relationship ... and of course have sex.

Seltzer: Oh, ok. Then you promise you're not stringing me along?

Handsome dude: Oh, no, of course not.

 

Six months later ...

 

Handsome dude: Seltzer, I'm tired and bored of this relationship.

Seltzer: How could you do this to me?! You said you were in therapy. And of course that means we were heading towards commitment!

Handsome dude: Seltzer, remember I DID warn you of this tendency. I mean I tried, but my demons got the best of me. Thanks for the sex and stuff though!

[Wiseman2]

At 26 most guys don't need therapy for being shallow or a commitmentphobe. That's why that comment combined with his saying he dates women then loses interest in a red flag. No one can say whether you should date him, only answer the original post about whether these comments were red flags.

That is completely different than whether I should or should not date this person.

[Ms Darcy]

Lol who tells this to woman. Just that line alone, should make you ditch him.

 

Because it works man.

 

If I were a guy and only interested in sex with women, I'd have a black book of "one liners." Ideally they would prepare them for me leaving yet entice them to pull down their panties.

 

It's apparently easy.

 

I've had friends fall for far dumber including: "I only have six months to live and I'd like to make love to a model before I die."

[boltnrun]

Yep, I've had more than one friend fall for "My wife doesn't understand me, we don't sleep together, we're getting a divorce SOON!"

 

Also, one of my friends fell for this line from a bartender..."You're the first girl I've ever asked for her phone number from."

 

Anyway, OP, this guy's words are obviously working because you want to give him brownie points for "being honest". And for "getting help". But like I often say, just because I tell you I'm the Duke of Earl doesn't make me the Duke of Earl.

[JaggerJim]

I think you are blinded by his good-looks, and will fall for anything he has to say.

[notalady]

At 26 most guys don't need therapy for being shallow or a commitmentphobe. That's why that comment combined with his saying he dates women then loses interest in a red flag. No one can say whether you should date him, only answer the original post about whether these comments were red flags.

 

Agree with this. It's not abnormal to date someone for a while and lose interest, especially in your mid twenties where you might still be figuring out what you want in a partner and in a relationship.

 

I think of it this way, what's the purpose of him telling you this? I see the purpose being a warning and to lower your expectations.

 

Honesty is good, we should be honest, but it is not good enough in and of itself to continue dating someone. If someone was honest with me that he's divorced with children, I would say thank you for your honesty but I don't want to date someone in that situation. Honesty is a bare minimum requirement but that alone is not enough. Just like other good character traits, like loyalty.

 

So the question for you is really, are you ok dating a professed commitment-phobe, as he is today, no changes made?

[Hollyj]

Run! No future with this guy!

[Hollyj]

Well whether I see him again or not, I don't understand why you'd knock him for a. being honest; and b. attempting to work on himself? Should he lie and continue to be a "player"?

 

Because, when he dumps you, he can tell you that he warned you of his 'issue,' taking the responsibility off of him.

 

Why would you set yourself up for this???

[Batya33]

Yes I suppose. Just really threw me off that he acknowledged it was a problem and was actively seeking to work on it.

Normally I walk away when I hear any signs of commitment issues. I've just never actually had a man say he wanted to fix it.

He was honest and I'd tell him to get in touch with you when he's fixed his issues and if you are still interested and available you'll consider seeing him again.

[katrina1980]

Lol who tells this to woman. Just that line alone, should make you ditch him.

 

A man who wants to "cover his ass," when the time comes to end it with HER (or any woman).

 

He probably feels a lot guilt about suddenly becoming turned off and dumping them.

 

So by telling her up front he has "commitment issues," he doesn't have to feel guilty when he dumps her, because he warned her.... and SHE chose to stick around anyway.

 

That's my best guess.

[katrina1980]

Because some people have serious issues with intimacy.

It's all fun in the beginning and then when it gets real, it freaks them out.

It's so ingrained in someone it takes years of therapy to change. . even if it's possible.

 

He might be full of sh**. . or he may be aware of something and interested in changing.

 

Let him exercise this out on someone else. At the very least. .be careful

 

This^ and to add, my understanding of "commitment phobia" is they're into a woman UNTIL she starts expecting and needing more from him (like a committed RL).

 

That is when the fear kicks in and they suddenly find themselves becoming turned OFF. It makes sense that his RLs only last six months, as six months is usually when a woman starts expecting and needing more (if not sooner).

 

It's actually their fear talking (hence the word phobia) but it doesn't matter, they're turned off and want OUT.

[boltnrun]

It works great until they get older and aren't so cute anymore.

 

That happened with my ex. He always wanted to have a girlfriend but constantly cheated. Now he's older, lost his hair (which wouldn't bother me but it bothers him), and his pool of admirers has shrunk to only one. He stays with her (so he says) because there's nothing else around. He doesn't have money or a career and isn't at all intellectual, so he relied solely on his looks...which are now gone.

 

I say let him go on his merry way collecting and discarding women...and I would not sign on to be on that list.

[milly007]

You're setting yourself up for heartbreak with this guy. My guess is, he confessed this to you so he will feel less guilty in six months if things go sideways between you two and he's lost interest. This way, the blame falls partially on your shoulders because you chose to stay.

 

Also, I don't know how you could stay with this guy and try to make things work (even if you took it really slow!). I'd always be wondering if he's going to randomly bolt after a confession like that.

[katrina1980]

It works great until they get older and aren't so cute anymore.

 

That happened with my ex. He always wanted to have a girlfriend but constantly cheated. Now he's older, lost his hair (which wouldn't bother me but it bothers him), and his pool of admirers has shrunk to only one. He stays with her (so he says) because there's nothing else around. He doesn't have money or a career and isn't at all intellectual, so he relied solely on his looks...which are now gone.

 

I say let him go on his merry way collecting and discarding women...and I would not sign on to be on that list.

 

I agree with this. I commend him for being aware of his issues, and telling you OP, but it takes A LONG TIME to resolve these types of intimacy and commitment fears. Sometimes years if ever.

 

These issues run very deep for some people.

 

Now that he has warned you, you can expect to be dumped at some point as well.

 

Your choice hun.

 

For me I wouldn't go there. I mean why would you.... when there are so many other guys you could meet that DON'T have these fears and issues.

 

Another thing to consider, IF you choose to stay you yourself may have commitment fears.

 

His fears are active, yours are passive. As evidenced by your willingness to stay with him, KNOWING he has commitment issues.

 

A woman who does NOT have these passive commitment fears would never dream of sticking with a man like this.

 

Take better care of yourself, because trust me, when the fear kicks in (which it WILL), he won't be taking care of you that's for darn sure.

 

Something to think about.

 

Good luck.