Is this a red flag?

[Jeffbobo]

He was honest and I'd tell him to get in touch with you when he's fixed his issues and if you are still interested and available you'll consider seeing him again.

 

I agree with this. I can also see that if he *is* a player, that *truth* that he's giving you is perhaps him priming your pump. You're not as easy as many other women for him so instead of pouring it on and pursuing heavily he'll pull this crap to get what he wants. Pure speculation.

[Capricorn3]

Yes it's a red flag. A very obvious one at that. It's a clear message saying: "Be warned, when I am bored with you, I'm leaving. I stay for the sex, for a little while. I might even come back for more when I get bored with the next chick" ........Um, yeah. This is your sign to head for the hills.

[SherrySher]

He gave himself a free pass. Should he get bored with you, or if he wants another woman, or wants to two time, or if he changes his mind about you, he already set everything up for a smooth get a way and/or excuse.

This man is a player and basically telling you he's here for now, for a good time, but no promises on anything else and too bad for you if he wants to walk away or mess about.

I would tell him.."thank you for letting me know"....followed by..."see ya".

[missmarple]

I would tell him 'good luck with your therapy, get back to me when you've resolved your issues and I'll see what I can do'

[reinventmyself]

Seeing a young adults brain hasn't reached maturity until the age of 25, at 26 it's highly unlikely he has commitment issues in need of therapy.

He hasn't even had the life experience to know different.

 

It's almost laughable when you think of it. (coming from a mother of young adult males)

 

He's just being a 26 year old and messin' with you.

[lostandhurt]

This is so classic.

 

How many people here really didn't want something UNTIL they were told they couldn't have it?

 

He knows he has all the qualities you and other women want so he attracts you, spends some time making sure you are somewhat hooked and then drops this revelation on you. Then the gears in your head start turning.... "I can be the one that can change him" "I will help him with his problem" "Once he falls in love with me it won't matter"

 

Remember he told you that once he gets bored he dumps them. He didn't say once he realizes he isn't in love with them or once he sees that the relationship is going nowhere he dumps them. He said he gets bored which translates into "I want someone new to have sex with and do fun things with" Who wants to be with anyone where you have to constantly try to keep them from being bored???

 

In this case I am not casting my ballot for Trump or Clinton, I cast my vote for RUN!!!

 

Lost

[Silverbirch]

I let myself believe I could deal with someone like this, and was very similar to what has been told to you. I thought things would improve - I didn't even want to be married so I thought it didn't matter. In a nutshell, I got hurt.

[ParisPaulette]

I agree with Wiseman and some of the other's skepticism about him being in therapy. Right, like not wanting to commit and have fun dating when you're young is something one should get therapy for. (Rolls eyes)

 

BUT if he's really serious about having those issues and really serious about being in therapy for it, then he would not be dating anyone plain and simple. Not until he'd handled those issues.

 

What he told you is sort of the equivalent of a guy sitting next to you in a bar talking about how he has a drinking problem, but is getting help for it and is in AA and/or therapy - all while pouring himself drinks. So yeah, most people who understand how therapy works will naturally be skeptical of those who say they have a serious problem and yet have put themselves smack dab in the middle of said problem yet again.

 

No one is criticizing the guy for being in therapy - just expressing a healthy skepticism that that may very well not be true.

[jujusamples]

@OP, I'm going to be the odd one here and give you my honest opinion. I used to have some serious commitment issues (no pun intended). Same thing as your boyfriend, I would be very into the person I'm dating and than loose interest as time goes. I've also been in some serious relationships for a few years. One even 5 years. When there is even a talk or a hint of marriage come up, I find reasons to break up with the person.

 

After all that being said, when I first met my husband, there was something different with him. I was honest with him from the beginning. I think I have a commitment problem. I tend to loose interest and could never go back. I didn't tell him that to push him away. I told him that because I felt there was something with him that could potentially work in the long run. I also told him that because I wanted to be honest and I guess to give him the heads up.

 

He took a chance with me and we just kept on dating (bf and gf) and guess what, we are now married. My husband never took that commitment issue as a deal breaker because he liked me for the person I am and enjoy my company. We had a pretty good relationship and of course there are the obvious relationship issue here and there but it actually turned out good. I guess that's why we are now married.

 

What I'm trying to say is, if things are going well with you and your boyfriend. Don't over think it. Let things flow and see how it goes. I know it's a risk, but I think any relationship is a risk. You risk getting hurt. At the end of the day, you could date someone who "doesn't" have a commitment issue but the relationship might now work. You will get hurt as well. Either way, when you enter into a relationship, it's a risk. The big question is, is this person worth the risk? You are in the relationship with him, only you will know if he's a player, if he's trying to play you or he's just genuinely just telling you the truth. Just to give you a heads up (just in case) The ball is in your court, you decided if this person is worth the risk. It's a risk, no matter whom you get into this relationship with. You either make it or you break it. Just give it some thought but don't over think if it's a red flag what he said. Think about your relationship with him and him as a person. Is he worth it to you? You will know it. Good luck!

[Sportster2005]

I would take his word on it and seek other opportunities. Look for someone who is not broken, not a fixer-upper.

[zeino]

Stating such a problem is a good first step but ultimately means nothing if it is not deepened in a realistic way, with proper distribution of responsibility, support and accountability. If "I'm working on it" is the only thing you are given, how far can you go beyond "I'm thinking about it" - the ideal relationship for a commitment phobe Basically, anything he does to break your heart, he has warned you - it will be your assumptions that give some kind of meaning to "I'm working on it."

 

So, this is his problem. But he has you in his life. Does he want to keep you in his life, what is he ready to do to provide more emotional safety in a relationship? What do you expect from him? How self-aware is he - if he wants to change this- so that he doesn't waste your time with his commitment phobia? What exactly does he want from you? Where does he see himself in his recovery? In his own eyes, what are your chances of harming or hurting each other emotionally - based on your shared understanding of harm or hurt? What does he need to do better - if he wants to? What is his ethics of behaviour in a relationship? Without knowing what's really going on, it is not fair to you to expect anything - an answer, a comment, an attittude- from you.

[seltzer]

I appreciate everyone's advice. I decided to talk to him more about what exactly is going on instead of immediately cutting him off. Based on everything he told me, it sounds more like youthfulness than commitment issues (and while I'm not a therapist, it seems like his poor relationship with his mother clouds his view of his purported commitment issues). I expressed to him that I am looking for a real relationship, and that I want him to take some time to consider whether he is capable of providing that, and if he is to reach out to me and we can assess from there.

[Tanzi]

I appreciate everyone's advice. I decided to talk to him more about what exactly is going on instead of immediately cutting him off. Based on everything he told me, it sounds more like youthfulness than commitment issues (and while I'm not a therapist, it seems like his poor relationship with his mother clouds his view of his purported commitment issues). I expressed to him that I am looking for a real relationship, and that I want him to take some time to consider whether he is capable of providing that, and if he is to reach out to me and we can assess from there.

 

I know I am a bit late to this thread but my first thoughts to your opening post was more or less what you have said in bold above. When I later read that he was 26 it confirmed those thoughts .... that this is probably less about being a commitment phobe and more about him (a) not being ready to settle down yet; or (b) not having found "the one" yet. What he has described just sounds like "dating" to be honest. I don't think there is any need to put a label on it (people seem too quick to put a label on things these days, though sometimes this could be a smokescreen, I guess). Nevertheless, I would still see his comment as a warning that he is likely going to do the same to you. If not, I think he would have stayed schtum. I think you made the right choice, seltzer.

[lostandhurt]

Good for you!!!

 

You want one thing (A Real Relationship) and he wants to date around with a built in excuse.

 

I wonder if you were to continue how long you would be willing to wait for him to decide if he was bored? Lets say you married him would you always wonder when he is going to get bored and leave?

 

Lost

[seltzer]

Just as an update, I got a phone call from him and agreed to get dinner last night. In summary, he told me that he has taken time to consider what I've said and what my needs are, and that he is ultimately looking for the same thing. He claims that his previous dating experiences were clouding his judgment (women wanting too much, too fast) and that he respects me and wants to continue dating to see where this could go.

I agreed to move forward. It is rare to meet a person with whom you have chemistry and share similar life goals and values. Although I'm still cautious and dating others, I've decided to trust my gut on this one since I believe he's genuine (and I am normally a pessimist and don't trust most people's intentions).

[Wiseman2]

not a fixer-upper.

]

[Silverbirch]

P

Just as an update, I got a phone call from him and agreed to get dinner last night. In summary, he told me that he has taken time to consider what I've said and what my needs are, and that he is ultimately looking for the same thing. He claims that his previous dating experiences were clouding his judgment (women wanting too much, too fast) and that he respects me and wants to continue dating to see where this could go.

I agreed to move forward. It is rare to meet a person with whom you have chemistry and share similar life goals and values. Although I'm still cautious and dating others, I've decided to trust my gut on this one since I believe he's genuine (and I am normally a pessimist and don't trust most people's intentions).

 

it's possible that it could work for you OP, but I hope you protect your heart. My experience was that within weeks that this man knew that I had developed feelings for him (he was the one who pursued me), he started this whole pattern of distancing me. I would leave the contact to him, and then he would come back - these types hate being ignored, and will come back. It took me a long time to extricate myself from being part of it. If he is a genuine commitmentphobe, it will play out in a lit of other areas of his life. Aaghhh, so glad I don't have that involvement with him anymore only because I faced reality, and see the situation for what it really is.