Teenage student found my nudes

[Fudgie]

rose phase,

 

I respectfully disagree that people are being critical just because it is related to sex. This has nothing to do with sex positivity and everything to do with boundaries. OP should not be letting anyone, especially work clients, handle her phone. The issue is not that she took the photos, the issue is that she let him use her phone.

 

She needs to stop being so trusting and erect some boundaries. Nothing to do with sex.

[Hermes]

"...but having a sex life and sending pictures to someone you're dating doesn't make me a not nice girl"

 

And no one here said otherwise. That isn't the issue here.

 

Also, you said:

 

"I work as a behavior therapist with teenagers and children who are either on the spectrum or have oppositional defiance disorder. I work with a fourteen year old with ODD. "

 

And if you are a therapist with this type of group you WELL know that their concept of "privacy" will not be as you perceive it, and they'll be more inclined to push boundaries - of any kind - that other people.

[rosephase]

rose phase,

 

I respectfully disagree that people are being critical just because it is related to sex. This has nothing to do with sex positivity and everything to do with boundaries. OP should not be letting anyone, especially work clients, handle her phone. The issue is not that she took the photos, the issue is that she let him use her phone.

 

She needs to stop being so trusting and erect some boundaries. Nothing to do with sex.

 

She made an honest mistake. Would everyone be so upset at the OP if he had deleted all her contacts instead?

 

No. It would have been "oops, don't do that again". Some of the comments earlier in the thread and saying she should just not take naked photos.

[Seraphim]

This has to do with protecting clients and yourself. Parents expect a counsellor to protect their kids and have boundaries.

[Hermes]

Precisely, Fudgie.

 

"OP should not be letting anyone, especially work clients, handle her phone"

[rosephase]

Your first mistake was taking the nude selfies in the first place. All you had to do to avoid this was simply never take the nude pictures and videos. Your second mistake here was allowing a 14 year old boy with raging hormones and one that has ODD nonetheless unrestricted access to your cellphone. What did you think he was going to do? Did you not think about any of that content being on there when handing him the phone? This could backfire on you so badly; I know you didn't intentionally expose yourself to this child, but it was careless and you will be lucky if this doesn't end with your either losing your job or having a sex crime charged against you. The justice system is pretty ruthless with adults who carelessly expose children to sex.

 

 

I was responding more to this kind of thing.

[Seraphim]

I work in building full of counsellors they do not hand the clients their phones to play with to gain trust and rapport.

[Fudgie]

She made an honest mistake. Would everyone be so upset at the OP if he had deleted all her contacts instead?

 

No. It would have been "oops, don't do that again". Some of the comments earlier in the thread and saying she should just not take naked photos.

 

My concern for OP is because I worry about the legal implications of a 14 year old having her baked photos and what could happen to her if his parents found out. That's a world away from having your contacts deleted, which I'd still be crazy mad about but it wouldn't land me in jail!

 

Im worried that the real message: BOUNDARIES, will be lost and it will be a matter of time before something bad happens again because OP is far too trusting.

[Hermes]

More so in the particular context of therapist working with that age group of "troubled" young people (or indeed in any therapist/client context) there needs to be a triple line drawn heavily in the sand.

[Maddyb12]

I'm young only been in the field a few years. I didn't think twice about allowing him to use an application we all let him see and use. I was talking with him he completely manipulated me. Handed me the phone asking if I could look up s picture of a soccer player for him truly acting like he completely respected the privacy of someone's phone. So yes that is where I'm at fault. He shouldn't have had my phone but he is high functioning and has the intelligence to know right from wrong. My supervisor is contacting mom to see what the next steps will be as she has worked with mom over three years. This wasn't building s rapport I've been with the client over the year and he has been respectful and compliant with me more than the others so this was not expected but yes ok it's my fault for not thoroughly thinking the possibilities through. Nothing was right out in the open he went looking for it. As much as this was my fault I don't deserve this.

[Hermes]

Of course he is high-functioning. And they can be devious.

 

In reality it is the organization you are working for who should have set out the protocols and parameters (if they are anyway half-responsible), and also given you the ongoing training to ensure you are aware of what you are dealing with. Always on your guard Maddy.

[Fudgie]

Maddy, first of all, I don't think at all that you "deserve" this. You made a mistake. I just hope you will learn from it and not trust so easily...this will make you a better worker and you'll be protecting yourself as well.

 

I'm not sure what his functionality level and his ability to know right from wrong has to do with anything here. The vast majority of people know right from wrong....that doesn't stop people from manipulating others or doing bad things. It's not that they don't know what is wrong, it's that they don't CARE in that moment and they will act according to their own desires with very little or no concern for you and your privacy.

 

The bottom line is - regardless of the relationship with the client/patient, there are some boundaries that must never be crossed and this is one of them. As I said before, would you let this young man root through your wallet, your computer, your bedside stand?

 

I am worried for you because in your last reply, you seem to make some excuses for him "he is high functioning and intelligent", "He acted really respectful!" "I've been with him for a year and he is compliant with everything!"....my point is that none of that matters.

 

If you put some STRICT, PERPETUAL boundaries, you will never be in this situation again because you will not be giving anyone the opportunity to betray you like this in your job.

 

Please, I hope you take what I say seriously. I work in healthcare myself. You must protect yourself. Thinking long term, people who don't protect themselves are not only more likely to get hurt, they are more likely to burn-out because they empathsize with everyone and take it all home with them and it eats at them.

[j.man]

No one's saying you deserved it. You're catching some exceptional flak because it really was a pretty excessive level of naivety. You're also getting hit from some pretty hard angles here because, for as bad as I'm certain the feeling of being violated is, the implications really do go much further. This child has been sent nudes of you from your email address. There are fewer things more serious when it comes to a profession centered on minors. I'll tell you from having worked with teens who required counseling, it only takes one incident to bury you. The scrutiny is very real, as it should be when you're working with children. And it's the compliant and polite ones who you really look out for. Assuming you get out of this [relatively] unscathed, I hope this experience will help you shape some rigid boundaries going forward.

 

I will say that I likewise don't like the implication that you can't be a "good girl" if you take and send nudes to a partner or that it's a bad reflection of one's character to do so. I would encourage anyone who works with children to consider abandoning the practice of digital nudes, but strictly as a professional practice, not necessarily a moral one. Ultimately, it's your risk to take and I think people are entitled to take them.

[Wiseman2]

As you know ODD is an under 18 diagnosis and the precursor to antisocial personality disorder in adulthood, so this is entirely possible with this 14 y/o.

I was talking with him he completely manipulated me.

[Hermes]

Very well said, J.Man.

 

I can't get my head around the fact that there were not/are not severe protocols in place in a setting such as that described by the OP to prevent such an incident happen the first instance. It sounds like an "amateurish" organization. Never mind the OP's naivety for a moment. The SUPERVISORS, heads of the organization, should ensure sufficient training, guidelines, a protocol, not to mention constant supervision to prevent anything like this incident taking place at all.

 

Absolutely, Wiseman!!

 

Perhaps these "troubled" 14 year olds should be dealt with in an entirely different type of setting.

[Fudgie]

People will manipulate you wherever you are. This is a hard lesson to swallow. It can range from mild to really insidious, people sweet talking you to get extra favors and such, to people taking advantage of your trust to screw you over.

 

The key is to never put yourself in a position to be manipulated.

 

Sadly, Hermes, you would be surprised at how many places do not have protocols in place. My job certainly didn't. I'm naturally a skepitcal person so I would NEVER share my phone with anyone. But they didn't tell me that. I had to know that inherently.

[j.man]

Very well said, J.Man.

 

I can't get my head around the fact that there were not/are not severe protocols in place in a setting such as that described by the OP to prevent such an incident happen the first instance. It sounds like an "amateurish" organization. Never mind the OP's naivety for a moment. The SUPERVISORS, heads of the organization, should ensure sufficient training, guidelines, a protocol, not to mention constant supervision to prevent anything like this incident taking place at all.

Well, if there's any "consolation" here from the lack of professionalism, it's that a coordinated and disciplined organization would 9 times out of 10 fire someone in the OP's shoes. Thankfully, they appear to be working with her here. Depending on how the mother reacts to her supervisor approaching her with the issue, that support can quickly turn into her being thrown under the bus.

 

And, as Fudgie alludes to, there's a certain level of common sense behind not giving a teenager your personal device, particularly in this setting. I don't think there's a whole lot to fall back onto the supervisor with.

 

I personally all goes well for the OP. Sometimes it's the people who make a mistake who can be counted on most not to commit such an act in the future.

[Maddyb12]

As for the legal aspect that is being brought up. We were in a cafe video footage would show that it was not my doing (if it came down to that) i don't think that it'll come down to his mom or anyone thinking I chose to send these. I didn't know his email address i would literally take a lie detector test if it came down to me being seen as a predator.

[Ms Darcy]

Show of hands how many women actually take nude selfies? Sometimes I feel like it's more frequent than I thought.

 

Maybe that's because I'm never on the receiving end.

 

I haven't. People don't tell me if they have or not. It's mind boggling to me to understand that whole thing to be honest.

[Ms Darcy]

The pictures were deleted on my phone in the deleted folder. That is my fault for not emptying it regularly but this was not something easy to find or expected from the kid who asks permission to press the home screen etc. j would like this thread to be closed please. This is not why I came here. Thank you

 

Ah. I can see why you thought there was some security there. Until a few years ago, I thought "deleted" meant expunged.

[boltnrun]

Nothing is ever deleted. Ever.

 

Deleted just means you have to work a bit harder to find whatever it is, but it lives electronically forever.

 

Which is unfortunate for the coworker I mentioned earlier, who was exchanging racy IMs with her husband at work.

 

And also for the nudes on the cell phone.

[reinventmyself]

I haven't. People don't tell me if they have or not. It's mind boggling to me to understand that whole thing to be honest.

 

Me neither

 

 

I did a video once . . years ago.

When we broke up I took it. He broke in my house and stole it back. Long ugly story.

Lesson. . never again.

[Capricorn3]

I can't get my head around the fact that there were not/are not severe protocols in place in a setting such as that described by the OP to prevent such an incident happen the first instance. It sounds like an "amateurish" organization. Never mind the OP's naivety for a moment. The SUPERVISORS, heads of the organization, should ensure sufficient training, guidelines, a protocol, not to mention constant supervision to prevent anything like this incident taking place at all..

Totally agree. It doesn't sound very professional at all (imo). I know in many organizations such as this, the staff member would have been fired.

[Maddyb12]

Well maybe I will be...

[agent1607307371]

It's possible, though from what you posted of your supervisors response, hopefully it won't come to that. I think it might depend on the parent's reaction to this.

 

In the future though, the best offence is a good defence. Protect yourself. It would be great if we could trust people, but...