I keep throwing a wrench in my new relationship

[NightLily]

If you would like some back story on my history, you can review my most recent threads, but basically I had a scarring relationship that ended in the start of April. I had gone to a few counseling sessions since then and I have been slowly making headway in the right direction but it had been a struggle. I am resuming counseling in two weeks (already scheduled).

 

Backstory:

 

Around mid June I met a guy at the local bar I frequent and we started seeing each other. Not really dating, but just hanging out. By mid July things became sexual and when I asked him after what he wanted he said only casual. It turns out he was heartbroken over somebody he had fallen "head over heels" for but hadn't had a relationship with. I was still licking my wounds quite significantly and so I ended up going with it partly because I guess *I* was not ready for a relationship.

 

But, at some point things between us started transitioning into more like dating, to him telling me he wasn't seeing other people, to me telling him I wasn't some weeks later, to now us being official. But I feel like a lot of our advances have come from my prodding a bit. When I asked him if he considered us boyfriend and girlfriend after being exclusive for a long time, he initially said that he just hadn't thought about it at all and that we might need a longer honeymoon period where we aren't working through things. He then changed his tune directly after when I started to pull away a bit.

 

Current issue:

 

We keep getting into late night emotionally tense talks. I know I play a major role in these discussions happening because I get insecure and my mood shifts. He senses it and asks often pushing for discussion. It tends to go downhill. Last night was particularly bad for me and I very nearly ended things with him. Over a week ago he had become very drunk while I was sleeping, he says the drinking from our party caught up with him. He came upstairs and started telling me he loved me and I said this back to him also.

 

But later, when I tried to kind of talk to him about it he said we weren't ready for discussing it.. that I am pushing things too much. Now, I feel myself suppressing the words coming out of my mouth and I am too aware of the .. does he love me or not? question. In a round about way he has basically said he does but then will contradict himself. That these discussions make him unsure. He wants things to just be simple. I do too! I didn't enjoy all the messy are we or aren't we boyfriend girlfriend stuff that went on.

 

My ex had told me after we broke up, while I was proceeding with an abortion he wanted.. that he had never loved me and had only pretended to convince himself. I know this is then a sensitive issue for me.

 

But, I go back and forth between feelings of love for this man in my life who has held me and been so patient as I've dealt with this, to feeling like.. he just isn't that into me?? do I just not do it for him?? and wanting to cut and run. I don't know why I am so bothered by all this. I don't know how others would feel? What can I do to get this ship sailing straight??

 

I know much of this needs to be worked out in therapy but the earliest appointment is two weeks from now. So, I reach out here hoping somebody can throw me a line.

[gebaird]

It sounds like you both brought some baggage into the relationship. You're both afraid of getting hurt, and are afraid to give your whole hearts as a result. I think anyone would struggle with a partner who isn't fully committed, but since you've been hurt before (and not very long ago) it makes it even worse.

 

Therapy is a good option. Glad you are moving in that direction

 

In the meantime, I'd recommend getting a copy of "Rising Strong" by Brené Brown. She talks a lot about vulnerability and learning to feel whole again after going through something difficult like a relationship failure. When we've been hurt, we instinctively put up walls to keep ourselves from feeling pain. But those walls also keep us from feeling joy.

[reinventmyself]

I am all for communication but at some point some things can be overworked. `Where is this going?' being asked repeatedly is a cry for reassurance.

At some point you need to sooth and reassure yourself. He can't do all of that for you.

Men typically shy away from intense emotional conversations you are describing. I think it's good to clear the air about things but you need to know when to back off and trust him and yourself at the same time.

Therapy will help you work through some of your anxiety. I am sorry you have a difficult time in the past but don't exercise it out on him

[Hollyj]

You shouldn't have to push someone, or continually bring up this type of topic.

 

He told you that he didn't want a relationship, and he still doesn't. I don't think you are on the same page.

[NightLily]

You shouldn't have to push someone, or continually bring up this type of topic.

 

He told you that he didn't want a relationship, and he still doesn't. I don't think you are on the same page.

 

I did ask him if he was sure he was ready to be official and he said he does think of me as his girlfriend. He said he just needs to move slow. Are you saying though that you think he really doesn't want a relationship?

[Hollyj]

How slow does he want to move? What does he mean?

 

If he considers you his girlfriend, then I can understand your confusion.

[NightLily]

It sounds like you both brought some baggage into the relationship. You're both afraid of getting hurt, and are afraid to give your whole hearts as a result. I think anyone would struggle with a partner who isn't fully committed, but since you've been hurt before (and not very long ago) it makes it even worse.

 

Therapy is a good option. Glad you are moving in that direction

 

In the meantime, I'd recommend getting a copy of "Rising Strong" by Brené Brown. She talks a lot about vulnerability and learning to feel whole again after going through something difficult like a relationship failure. When we've been hurt, we instinctively put up walls to keep ourselves from feeling pain. But those walls also keep us from feeling joy.

 

What would you suggest though is the best idea in general? Waiting to date because of baggage or trying to work through it while together?

 

I am all for communication but at some point some things can be overworked. `Where is this going?' being asked repeatedly is a cry for reassurance.

At some point you need to sooth and reassure yourself. He can't do all of that for you.

Men typically shy away from intense emotional conversations you are describing. I think it's good to clear the air about things but you need to know when to back off and trust him and yourself at the same time.

Therapy will help you work through some of your anxiety. I am sorry you have a difficult time in the past but don't exercise it out on him

 

I agree. I was thinking about making a rule for myself that bedtime =/= discussion time. And that bed should be "sacred" or to have any discussions outside of that context. That could be a decent first step.

[gebaird]

What would you suggest though is the best idea in general? Waiting to date because of baggage or trying to work through it while together?

 

Always wait until you've healed before diving into another relationship. Now that you've already started dating, it's a little more complicated. Just continue the path of self-awareness and healing, and recognize that a lot of issues that appear to be caused by him are really just due to your own internal struggles.

[gebaird]

I did ask him if he was sure he was ready to be official and he said he does think of me as his girlfriend. He said he just needs to move slow. Are you saying though that you think he really doesn't want a relationship?

 

Slow is better than no ...

[Wiseman2]

Perhaps it's time to just relax, breathe and not keep trying to fix it or move it forward? Make sure you are dating him, getting to know him...not still trying to fix your past with him as a canvas.

I asked him after what he wanted he said only casual. When I asked him if he considered us boyfriend and girlfriend after being exclusive for a long time, he initially said that he just hadn't thought about it at all and that we might need a longer honeymoon period where we aren't working through things.

[NightLily]

How slow does he want to move? What does he mean?

 

If he considers you his girlfriend, then I can understand your confusion.

 

I think he is referring to saying I love you etc. though he said it multiple times while drunk. But he says things that confuse me. Example:

 

-I told him it is fine if I feel things for him and he is not there yet.

-he said that that isn't how things work. I wouldn't want to feel things and he doesn't and vice versa. (what I heard)

This made me think we are somewhat doomed if he doesn't love me?

-he clarified that he meant I wouldn't be feeling things if he wasn't.

 

Some mixed signals going on and it plays with my head. I know we just have to throttle back and enjoy the ride. But then I get doubts.

[NightLily]

Perhaps it's time to just relax, breathe and not keep trying to fix it or move it forward? Make sure you are dating him, getting to know him...not still trying to fix your past with him as a canvas.

 

I know you are right.

 

I need to find a way to stop worrying.

[reinventmyself]

I remember dating a guy once and in the early stages he questioned things too many times.

I told him 'it's very much like planting a seed and allowing to grow organically. You can't keep turning up the soil and looking at it or you'll risk killing it"

[nutbrownhare]

This may help clarify things for you: [url="

 

However, it sounds as though you need to do a bit more healing before you're ready for another relationship at all. You're very vulnerable right now, and obviously therapy will help with that, but while you're engaging with this guy you're actually pulling the scab off your own healing. If he were someone who could offer you reassurance and be steady and reliable, that would be different - but he's not in that place himself.

 

You've been through some horrible experiences recently. Absolutely horrible. Give yourself time to lick your wounds and be gentle with yourself.

 

(((HUGS)))

[Ms Darcy]

He's sending mixed signals. In my experience, mixed signals mean mixed feelings. I generally don't see relationships that really last (at least not healthy ones) where there are so many mixed signals.

 

I feel like I have said this on all of your threads, but he's just not that into you.

 

I, for one, am a big advocate for not lying to yourself. Being honest with yourself is a gateway to truly assessing yourself and growing. Why people date (whether you want to call it taking it slow, hanging out, whatever) is pretty obvious. Lonliness. Distraction. Sex. Companionship.

 

The danger in not taking time away to heal from hurts is that you'll just self-fulfill in the next relationship. For example, you mention feeling insecure. That's not a good thing. In fact, it shouldn't be happening outside of the occasional, does my butt look big in this dress? Whether the surface cause is his mixed signals or a deeper internal fear you have of being alone, the end result is the same.

 

Bottom line, when you are not ready to date, and then you date, you get hurt. Every time.

[catfeeder]

What would you suggest though is the best idea in general? Waiting to date because of baggage or trying to work through it while together?

 

I think you know that you both got into this too soon after your breakups, but you can't exactly take that back. I'd consider 2 options. Either date the guy occasionally and enjoy one another, simply, and without manipulating him into playing amateur therapist with you, or, tell him you adore him and can picture the two of you together in the future, but you need to walk away while you both still think highly of one another. If he ever decides that he wants the investment of a committed relationship, he can contact you, and you'll meet to catch up. Otherwise, you're not doing well in this limbo thing, and you'd rather go off on your own to work out your own stuff and wish him the best.

 

Either way, I'd work with a therapist to dump my own stuff and work through it. If you believe that you can do that on your own without contaminating your current relationship with manipulative pouting or pressure, then do it. If not, then take the second route and chalk this up to 'too much, too soon,' and back off to preserve any future potential with this guy.

 

Nobody here can tell you which option is right for you. That's an inside job.

 

Head high.

[lostandhurt]

It sounds like you both want to know how this thing will turn out (don't we all) so you keep picking at it looking for answers that simply aren't there yet.

 

Let this become what it is supposed to become. If you grow closer great but let it happen naturally and stop trying to inject hormones and steroids into this thing to make it grow faster than it should.

 

You seem insecure and he seems willing but wants to take this reeeeeal slow. If that is not your pace then break up with him and do some more healing.

 

Lost

[NightLily]

Thanks everybody. I am reflecting on things a bit. I know the reasonable options to take and am going to decide exactly what to do but will require a little soul searching first.

[Jibralta]

What can I do to get this ship sailing straight??

 

Sure he's good for a little emotional support and physical intimacy, but he is withholding in love, he contradicts himself, and he leaves you confused. I don't think he wants the type of relationship that you want. You're trying to sail a ship and he's tangling the rigging. He may just be a crappy first mate who is not qualified to sail.

[NightLily]

Sure he's good for a little emotional support and physical intimacy, but he is withholding in love, he contradicts himself, and he leaves you confused. I don't think he wants the type of relationship that you want. You're trying to sail a ship and he's tangling the rigging. He may just be a crappy first mate who is not qualified to sail.

 

Nice analogy and something I need to consider a bit. I am definitely going to slow our roll this week and take more time for myself. I need to at least make sure I am emotionally taking care of myself. So, visiting my family for the weekend.