Broke up with commitment-phobe (again)... Did I do the right thing?

[lostlove76]

Thanks boltnrun. On phone, sorry, can't quote.

 

A lot of what I meant when I said that comes from all the stuff I've read on the internet. I've probably read far too much, and it's clouded my view. All the advice articles I read (and I've probably read hundreds) portray things in this way. And all the tons of threads I've read are all full of fear and strategy as well. So I've probably done myself a huge disservice in reading all that stuff!! I've even taken some of what I've read and accused him of doing this or that, and he says it's not that way at all and that I must not know him very well.

 

You're right, too, though, that it's also what I'm living... and I do think that he and I at times play passive-aggressive "games" (like not calling). So that's why I'm here!! I'm learning a lot and trying to unlearn all these destructive things that my negative mind tells myself. I really do thank you all for the input, it's very helpful.

[boltnrun]

You've been advised that healthy relationships involve fear, anxiety and game-playing?

 

I can't imagine where you would get that kind of advice, because it's dead wrong.

[lostlove76]

You've been advised that healthy relationships involve fear, anxiety and game-playing?

 

I can't imagine where you would get that kind of advice, because it's dead wrong.

 

It's all over the internet. They don't say it in those words, obviously, but that's the general vibe. Have you never read any of that stuff? It's my own fault for reading it. I'm just telling you what's out there, and saying that it's given me a certain view of relationships because I've read sooooooo much of it. The majority of it makes sweeping assumptions that the guy is cheating or just not that into her (like when someone writes in asking a question, and a "relationship expert" answers). How can that not incite fear, and make it seem that most guys can't be trusted?

 

I was reading one last night (yes, I still read the stuff, and probably need to stop as I'm just now realizing what it's done to me) where someone wrote in all frustrated because her boyfriend was putting off moving in with her, and he was making excuses about finances and such. The relationship expert replied saying that he just wasn't that into her, would never move in with her and certainly never marry her, and would probably marry the next woman he met. Then tons of readers chimed in under the comment section saying the same thing. At the very end of the comments, the original question asker left a comment that she'd forgotten all about having asked the question and had never read all the responses. She said she was glad that she didn't, because two months prior, her boyfriend had moved in with her and things were going well!

 

Obviously you have to take any advice, and anything online in general, with a grain of salt, and I try to. But when 95% of what I've read involves strategies to get your man to commit, telling women to never call men, worried people writing in for relationship advice, etc etc.... well, it just starts to feel like that's what most relationships are like. Know what I mean?

[reinventmyself]

Be careful what you read on the internet!

 

Honestly you can find anything you want to support your cause, even if it's toxic.

 

If I wanted to believe my hangnail was precancerous, I don't doubt I could google hangnail/cancer and get all sorts of hits on it.

Having said that, there is a lot of good information as well. The goal here is to not have to google things like this at all. It's more about learning to trust yourself and listening to that little voice when something is amiss. Granted we can get lost along the way and misread signals, interpret things incorrectly, but I think this is where a good therapist is beneficial.

 

If you want to read things. . stay away from `get your man back' kinda stuff. Steer away from any thing that suggests you need to manipulate and strategize. This is a sure sign that's based on unhealthy gimmick like things. Invest in some books regarding your own self esteem and boundaries. Work solely on yourself. Ultimately your ability to navigate relationships will be a side benefit of building your own self esteem.

[Hollyj]

How many times does he have to show you that he is not willing to commit? When do you accept that nothing will change?

[boltnrun]

Yep, if you Google "my boyfriend won't commit" or "how to get my boyfriend to commit" you'll get all sorts of goofy answers.

 

Better would be to Google "how to manage anxiety in a relationship".

[lostlove76]

Be careful what you read on the internet!

 

Honestly you can find anything you want to support your cause, even if it's toxic.

 

If I wanted to believe my hangnail was precancerous, I don't doubt I could google hangnail/cancer and get all sorts of hits on it.

Having said that, there is a lot of good information as well. The goal here is to not have to google things like this at all. It's more about learning to trust yourself and listening to that little voice when something is amiss. Granted we can get lost along the way and misread signals, interpret things incorrectly, but I think this is where a good therapist is beneficial.

 

If you want to read things. . stay away from `get your man back' kinda stuff. Steer away from any thing that suggests you need to manipulate and strategize. This is a sure sign that's based on unhealthy gimmick like things. Invest in some books regarding your own self esteem and boundaries. Work solely on yourself. Ultimately your ability to navigate relationships will be a side benefit of building your own self esteem.

 

Yep, if you Google "my boyfriend won't commit" or "how to get my boyfriend to commit" you'll get all sorts of goofy answers.

 

Better would be to Google "how to manage anxiety in a relationship".

 

Excellent advice, thanks so much!!! I need to quit reading that stuff. I went way overboard with it, and it's really molded my thoughts a certain way. Time to give that up and do instead what you both suggested. I have a copy of Codependent No More that I probably need to read asap.

 

I've been trying to support/help a sweet girl on another thread, and now I'm a bit worried that I'm going to steer her in the wrong direction based on my reading too much of this strategy stuff. I'm advising NC in her situation, and I just hope that's the right thing to tell her. If anyone here gets bored and wants to help someone young and sweet, you can look on my most recent comments and find her thread. You guys are wiser than I am and may have a different take on things.

 

How many times does he have to show you that he is not willing to commit? When do you accept that nothing will change?

We're still talking about me moving down there. We both have admitted to each other that we're scared, which I consider progress (being more open and realistic about it). We both want it, but we're nervous. Maybe I just need to be patient until we both feel more ready. Anyways, we're good for now, and I'm happy with where things are. No problems at the moment.

 

He called again last night, so that was two nights in a row (remember, it's usually strictly every other day). Baby steps. I told him I'll call him some time too, so I'll call him tomorrow night. He apparently wants me to call, so I will try it.

[Hollyj]

I really hope it works out, but if it happens again, I hope that you will leave the relationship. For good.

[lostlove76]

I really hope it works out, but if it happens again, I hope that you will leave the relationship. For good.

 

Thank you

[lostlove76]

Soo, per our typical every-other-day pattern, we didn't talk last night and tonight should be a night that we do talk. We're never going to talk every day I guess, even though he did call the two nights in a row. When we do talk, we talk for 2 to 5 hours each time... so if we did that every night it would probably get old fast.

 

I'm okay with every other day except for the anxiety I start feeling. Yesterday I was okay all day since we talked the night before. But today I woke up worried about whether we'll get to talk tonight. This is always how it goes. My mind starts imagining him meeting someone else since we last talked.

 

Unless I chicken out, I'm going to try to be the one to call him tonight instead of waiting on him to call. Guess we'll see how it goes! It'll be several hours from now before I call, but I'll check back in here and say what happened.

[chitown9]

With all due respect, lostlove, do you realize how far off your thread as gone from the original title? Is it any wonder that I and other posters were responding to that, not realizing that you were taking this thread in another direction? So with this in mind, I ask you, do you still think that he is a commitment phobe? The reason I ask is now you are owning up to some short falls of your own. chi

[lostlove76]

With all due respect, lostlove, do you realize how far off your thread as gone from the original title? Is it any wonder that I and other posters were responding to that, not realizing that you were taking this thread in another direction? So with this in mind, I ask you, do you still think that he is a commitment phobe? The reason I ask is now you are owning up to some short falls of your own. chi

 

Am I doing something wrong? I didn't mean to go so off course. I couldn't have put every issue in my original post (or title) or it would have been pages long. When I started this thread, he and I were on the outs and my mind was focused on his commitment-phobia (and yes, I do still think he's a commitment-phobe, for sure). Then we made up, and I guess I started focusing on my own faults. That's the problem - my perception changes based on how things are going with him. Sometimes I feel it's all his fault, sometimes I think I'm contributing hugely to the problems. I honestly get very confused. I guess I just kept posting because there are some wise folks here and I wanted some more feedback.

 

When I said "Am I being overly sensitive, or are some of you getting snarky?" I was referring to when you said "I suggest that you go forward with that plan and do so as soon as possible. Let's just get on with this and see if it crashes and burns."

 

Maybe I should start a new thread about my issues, and keep his issues out of that thread? I don't know. I really don't know.

[reinventmyself]

Maybe it's time to move this to the journals section.

Try not to be sensitive to posters who are really direct.

There's alot to learn here, even from those who you deem snarky. Take what you need and leave the rest.

You've opened yourself and asked for feedback. We often don't like what we hear but welcome the opportunity to view things differently.

Ultimately the decision is yours.

[lostlove76]

Thanks. I'll be the first to admit that I'm overly sensitive. I like all of you though and appreciate any input even if I take it too sensitively. Not sure where to go with this thread from here - journal or otherwise. But just a small update, he called before I could and we just talked for seven hours. Would love to ask some opinions on the moving in commitment-phobia side of things, but it's late so I'll ask tomorrow. Night all.

[reinventmyself]

Would love to ask some opinions on the moving in commitment-phobia side of things, but it's late so I'll ask tomorrow. Night all.

 

Is there a way to test this in smaller increments? Can you two come up with a plan to spend 3 days a week together without an official move in.

Move it up to 4 and so on? I don't recall what your employment restraints are? I think you mentioned you were unemployed?

 

One of my LDR's came to this point but I too was afraid to take that leap. We came up with a plan. We had already been spending weekends together for some time. He works from home, so the plan was I would spend weekends at his house and he would spend 2 or 3 nights at mine, midweek.

Phew!. . So glad we did because what I learned was that weekends only relationships tend to stuck in a blissful honeymoon state.

Being a part of one's day to day life is an entirely different animal. Moral of this story, we broke up due to major incompatibilities.

[ThatwasThen]

It's all over the internet. They don't say it in those words, obviously, but that's the general vibe. Have you never read any of that stuff? It's my own fault for reading it. I'm just telling you what's out there, and saying that it's given me a certain view of relationships because I've read sooooooo much of it. The majority of it makes sweeping assumptions that the guy is cheating or just not that into her (like when someone writes in asking a question, and a "relationship expert" answers). How can that not incite fear, and make it seem that most guys can't be trusted?

 

I was reading one last night (yes, I still read the stuff, and probably need to stop as I'm just now realizing what it's done to me) where someone wrote in all frustrated because her boyfriend was putting off moving in with her, and he was making excuses about finances and such. The relationship expert replied saying that he just wasn't that into her, would never move in with her and certainly never marry her, and would probably marry the next woman he met. Then tons of readers chimed in under the comment section saying the same thing. At the very end of the comments, the original question asker left a comment that she'd forgotten all about having asked the question and had never read all the responses. She said she was glad that she didn't, because two months prior, her boyfriend had moved in with her and things were going well!

 

Obviously you have to take any advice, and anything online in general, with a grain of salt, and I try to. But when 95% of what I've read involves strategies to get your man to commit, telling women to never call men, worried people writing in for relationship advice, etc etc.... well, it just starts to feel like that's what most relationships are like. Know what I mean?

 

Newsflash: People in good relationship have no need to write to strangers on a forum board to get help. They either are doing just fine and don't need advice or they are not the type to vent in public and just get through things on their own. They have the relationship tools in place to resolve partnership conflict to a happy conclusion/compromise. That being said, its easy to see why the only negative things you're hearing is from those that are not in good relationships. As for the couple that finally moved in together. I wouldn't be a bit surprised if they are not happy even though she got what she was after (when he wasn't ready for that).

 

Anyway: If you have the least bit of love for yourself you'll not cave to your fear of being alone and contact him again. You must go cold turkey withdrawl in order to get over your addiction to the pursuit and the need to "win" someone that is hardly a prize to begin with.

 

Read everything you can on codependency rather then relationships because it appears that you are suffering from it and have been in a very codependent relationship of addiction... certainly not love. Google Melody Beatie and order her books. She writes the bible(s) on codependency and how to overcome. You must work on it or you will just end up in another relationship of codependency if you don't. When you are more self-aware, when you have honed your personal boundaries you will be able to quickly chuck chucklers like the one you pine over because you'll see the pattern and you wont want that kind of relating in your life anymore. Its is then that you'll be open to being with an emotional healthy man who will value you. Unlike this man who is neither healthy nor does he actually value you. You're just another one of his addictions ~ like alcohol.

 

Be strong and keep gone. Get working on your issue and be the best you that you can be.

 

Adding:

 

Sadly I've just read that you have been weak again. That's too bad.

[boltnrun]

You're entire being is depending on him to make you feel good about yourself.

 

When you don't hear from him, you doubt yourself. When you do hear from him, you feel everything's fine...until the next day, when you doubt yourself again.

 

I'm sure you can see how completely unhealthy it is to place the responsibility of your emotional well-being on his shoulders.

 

Maybe, rather than being a "commit-phobe", he's concerned about having to be your be-all and end-all and reason for existence? That's a HUGE burden to place on anyone.

 

I know you insist he accepts you for who you are. But if he does, why all the anxiety? It's got to be wearing on him no matter how much he loves you.

[lostlove76]

Is there a way to test this in smaller increments? Can you two come up with a plan to spend 3 days a week together without an official move in.

Move it up to 4 and so on? I don't recall what your employment restraints are? I think you mentioned you were unemployed?

 

One of my LDR's came to this point but I too was afraid to take that leap. We came up with a plan. We had already been spending weekends together for some time. He works from home, so the plan was I would spend weekends at his house and he would spend 2 or 3 nights at mine, midweek.

Phew!. . So glad we did because what I learned was that weekends only relationships tend to stuck in a blissful honeymoon state.

Being a part of one's day to day life is an entirely different animal. Moral of this story, we broke up due to major incompatibilities.

 

Ya know, that's probably a good idea, to ease into it. We live four hours apart now (we weren't long distance until five months ago, and when he lived here we were together every other night). I am unemployed, so I have the time to go back and forth. Money is an issue I guess, but the main issue is my driving anxiety. Sigh (I'm a mess). That's why I'm waiting on him to come pick me up. I gave him a hard time last night on the phone about putting it off, and being afraid that he's stringing me along and that it's never going to happen. He insists that he really is going to come and really does want me there. But somehow it hasn't happened yet. We're both scared.

 

I'm a bit worried about trying it out in small doses because:

1) I'm afraid when I leave, he'll have gotten his fix and will move on. Hopefully that's all in my mind; just my negative thinking, as usual.

2) It will just kill me to be with him and then have to leave and not see him for a while. I've gotten used to not seeing him. We couldn't do the few-days-a-week thing, because it's too far to get back and forth from here to there.

 

I did suggest the option of doing it for maybe two weeks to try it out. He said don't worry, it'll be fine. He tries to soothe my worries, but I know he's just as scared (and has admitted he's nervous).

 

Soooo, we just keep talking about it and talking about it, but not actually doing it.

 

So glad we did because what I learned was that weekends only relationships tend to stuck in a blissful honeymoon state.

Being a part of one's day to day life is an entirely different animal. Moral of this story, we broke up due to major incompatibilities.

Yep, I'm worried about this. We're definitely in the honeymoon stage and always have been. Like I said, we were together every other evening/night before he moved, but it still wasn't a day-to-day situation like you're speaking of.

[lostlove76]

Newsflash: People in good relationship have no need to write to strangers on a forum board to get help. They either are doing just fine and don't need advice or they are not the type to vent in public and just get through things on their own. They have the relationship tools in place to resolve partnership conflict to a happy conclusion/compromise. That being said, its easy to see why the only negative things you're hearing is from those that are not in good relationships. As for the couple that finally moved in together. I wouldn't be a bit surprised if they are not happy even though she got what she was after (when he wasn't ready for that).

 

Hi, thanks for writing. Yep, this is so true. Very good point. I just got caught up in it all and allowed it to completely cloud my thinking. It's like watching the news all day every day and then feeling like the world is nothing but a cruel and scary place. I think I'll be much better off if I quit with all the googling.

 

Read everything you can on codependency rather then relationships because it appears that you are suffering from it and have been in a very codependent relationship of addiction... certainly not love. Google Melody Beatie and order her books. She writes the bible(s) on codependency and how to overcome. You must work on it or you will just end up in another relationship of codependency if you don't. When you are more self-aware, when you have honed your personal boundaries you will be able to quickly chuck chucklers like the one you pine over because you'll see the pattern and you wont want that kind of relating in your life anymore. Its is then that you'll be open to being with an emotional healthy man who will value you.

I have a copy of her book, Codependent No More! I just haven't read it yet. I really need to.

 

Unlike this man who is neither healthy nor does he actually value you. You're just another one of his addictions ~ like alcohol.

I made him sound pretty bad at the beginning of this thread. Sometimes I convince myself he's horrible, and other times I see him as wonderful. He's really not all bad, and he really does love and value me. He has intimacy issues, as do I, and we both do uncaring things at times. He does have some selfishness about him in some ways, but in other ways he's completely selfless. He and I very well may be addictions to each other, but we also really do love each other.

 

Get working on your issue and be the best you that you can be.

I need to start doing this, with or without him.

 

Sadly I've just read that you have been weak again. That's too bad.

I don't feel weak. I feel happy. I'm 100% happier than I would be if I had refused to talk to him. We're back to good, and as loving as ever. He's not just throwing out empty words when he tells me how much he loves me; I can feel the sincerity of what he's saying (just in case anyone doubts it), and he's always consistent in the things he says.

 

I don't know if we'll work for the long run or not, but we both really want it to. Neither of us is perfect; we both have our issues. But I think we're both trying.

[lostlove76]

You're entire being is depending on him to make you feel good about yourself.

 

When you don't hear from him, you doubt yourself. When you do hear from him, you feel everything's fine...until the next day, when you doubt yourself again.

 

I'm sure you can see how completely unhealthy it is to place the responsibility of your emotional well-being on his shoulders.

 

Maybe, rather than being a "commit-phobe", he's concerned about having to be your be-all and end-all and reason for existence? That's a HUGE burden to place on anyone.

 

I know you insist he accepts you for who you are. But if he does, why all the anxiety? It's got to be wearing on him no matter how much he loves you.

 

Hmm. I don't think he knows how affected I am by whether he calls or not. Or maybe he does. I don't show it until I get upset with him for not calling. But I really don't think he feels this way "Maybe, rather than being a "commit-phobe", he's concerned about having to be your be-all and end-all and reason for existence? That's a HUGE burden to place on anyone."[/i] because there have been many times when he's said he feels like I don't care (since I never ever call), and before he moved he told me a few times that he thought he loved me more than I loved him. I really think I mostly keep it to myself how wrapped up in him I am, because I know better than to let it show too much. But maybe he does realize. And you're right, that really is a huge burden to place on someone. I definitely need to start working on myself in many different areas. You're right, it's very unhealthy, the way I let him rule my emotions.

 

"I know you insist he accepts you for who you are. But if he does, why all the anxiety?"

I think I would have anxiety no matter what he did. He's very very good at verbally reassuring me of his love, usually when I'm not even asking for the reassurance. He tells me all the time how much he loves me, and makes a point to emphasize exactly how he feels. I think the anxiety stems from abandonment issues. When we aren't talking, I worry about losing him. Granted, he's done things that have contributed to my distrustfulness.

"It's got to be wearing on him no matter how much he loves you."

You're right. I've GOT to get a handle on this. He's extremely patient with me, but I'm sure he would prefer I didn't grill him all the time about different things. I need to stop that asap. Thanks for pointing this out. It's such an ingrained habit for me. It's how I feel (the anxiety) so it just comes out at times.

 

ETA:

I just realized how many times I said "You're right" in this one post. But, you were right, so

 

Just wanted to clarify that he really is a commitment-phobe. He's admitted it, and everything about him fits the profile (changing jobs, moving all the time, the way he is in relationships). But he's aware of it, and I think he really does want to do better. He's said that he wants to be with me forever. He moved very slowly with us in terms of love and relationship status in the beginning, but once he got there, it was no longer a problem (calling me his girlfriend and such). Anyways, just wanted to point out that I have all these anxiety issues AND he's a commitment phobe (rather than either/or). But we both want this, and I hope we can make it work.

[Hollyj]

Why doesn't he get therapy for his trust issues?

[Silverbirch]

I have "thought I was in a relationship" with a commitmentphobe. Fact is, they don't do relationships. It was similar pattern to yours. Few of them change.

[annie24]

Personally.... one of my biggest regrets was not running away the second a guy told me on a date he was a committment-phobe. I think in the future, if I ever hear that phrase, I'm just going to duck out, say goodbye and good luck. Don't need to do that again.

[boltnrun]

If he loves you so much and everything's good now, why is he still stalling on having you move in?

 

And I don't buy "he's scared". What the heck is there to be "scared" of? Is he afraid you'll leave dirty dishes in the sink or something?

[annie24]

If he loves you so much and everything's good now, why is he still stalling on having you move in?

 

And I don't buy "he's scared". What the heck is there to be "scared" of? Is he afraid you'll leave dirty dishes in the sink or something?

 

 

he's scared that she's going to move in, and the next week, he's going to meet the perfect woman for him and that he's going to be trapped and not know what to do.