Broke up with commitment-phobe (again)... Did I do the right thing?

[lostlove76]

Then why are you even contemplating uprooting yourself to move to a one room apartment when you've not worked on yourself? You're scared to do it because your gut is trying to tell you that YOU are not in any position mentally to be doing such a thing with such a loser. An alcoholic that lives in one room. Gah! No wonder you're scared.

 

I agree with this except for the loser part. He's far from a loser. With all due respect, you don't know him. Yes he's an alcoholic, but a highly functional one. He works hard, and he's a good person with an amazing personality. I love him for who he is, not where he lives or how much money he makes. We all move through life at different paces, and none of us is perfect. We all have issues. Hopefully that doesn't make all of us losers.

 

I wish for you the strength to do the work on yourself that you need to do... Be well

Thank you.

[ThatwasThen]

Hopefully that doesn't make all of us losers.

No, just him as he is in his current state.

[lostlove76]

No, just him as he is in his current state.

 

Ah, okay. Lol.

[boltnrun]

A "functional" alcoholic???!!! And this somehow makes him being an addict OK?

 

What treatment is he getting for his addiction?

 

My grandfather was a "functional" alcoholic. He did not miss a day of work in over 30 years, and he worked six days a week. When he got home from work he terrorized his wife and children, and eventually died from cirrhosis at an early age. Died alone because his addiction (and refusal to get help for it) drove everyone who loved him away.

 

Again, what treatment is he getting for his addiction?

 

It's starting to sound like two damaged people looking to each other as emotional bandaids when major surgery is called for. Yeah, you might think it's beautiful and romantic (two damaged souls find love and solace in each other's arms!). But really, if nothing is dealt with it will eventually end up with one or both of you in an even worse place than before.

 

Please, please, the both of you please get treatment.

[lostlove76]

A "functional" alcoholic???!!! And this somehow makes him being an addict OK?

 

What treatment is he getting for his addiction?

 

My grandfather was a "functional" alcoholic. He did not miss a day of work in over 30 years, and he worked six days a week. When he got home from work he terrorized his wife and children, and eventually died from cirrhosis at an early age. Died alone because his addiction (and refusal to get help for it) drove everyone who loved him away.

 

Again, what treatment is he getting for his addiction?

 

It's starting to sound like two damaged people looking to each other as emotional bandaids when major surgery is called for. Yeah, you might think it's beautiful and romantic (two damaged souls find love and solace in each other's arms!). But really, if nothing is dealt with it will eventually end up with one or both of you in an even worse place than before.

 

Please, please, the both of you please get treatment.

 

I'm sorry about your grandfather. I know that alcoholism is not "okay" but it doesn't make me love him any less. I know we both sound horribly damaged, but aren't we all damaged in some way? The bad stuff seems magnified here because that's what I came here for, and that's what we've been talking about. I've tried to give a more well-rounded view of him and of us together (maybe not of me myself, because I just don't feel the need). But the bad still overshadows the good on this thread, for some reason.

 

I do understand your point though. This is all food for thought, thank you.

 

Things may go south again soon enough, at which point you can all say you told me so. But at this point, I'm really just wanting to make it work, and I'm trying to figure things out and learn how to overcome certain obstacles (really the only main issues between us are me moving there, and these periods of time when he doesn't call). I'm not putting in huge amounts of effort to make it work, other than talking it out here. Mostly I'm just letting things flow with him and seeing what happens... while trying to get my mind in a better place. I hope that makes sense, what I'm trying to say.

[lostlove76]

Like right now... I'm currently worried because I called tonight and he didn't answer. So in the back of my mind, I'm feeling the worry creep in about what this could mean (did he find someone else? did he decide he doesn't want to be with me? etc). We last talked two nights ago and everything was perfect, so hopefully my anxious thoughts have no basis in reality. But this is what happens every time we go two days or more without talking. SURELY I'm not the only woman who does this?? I know I'm not; women are notorious for worrying about this kind of thing. But I want to get control of it and not feel freaked out every time we don't talk for a couple/few days. Because he always always eventually calls, as loving as ever, and says it doesn't mean anything bad. Meanwhile, I've gotten myself into such a tizzy that I'm ready to call it quits. I guess if I'm going to remain with him, I need to accept that this is just how he is. He's always been this way. He's like this with everyone.

 

Would love some positive, constructive feedback about this, if anyone is willing. Please pleeease don't say anything that will just double my anxiety, if you can at all help it. I'm asking nicely.

[boltnrun]

So, since you didn't give an answer,I presume he is not receiving treatment for his addiction, and that he continues to drink...is that correct?

 

As for "aren't we all damaged", that's just justification. Someone could use the "nobody's perfect" argument with regard to crack addiction or armed robbery or wife beaters.

 

This is all starting to make more sense. You feel that no one else would accept your issues so you cling to him. But that's like a drowning person clinging to a piece of Styrofoam. An addict cannot be a support system for anyone unless and until he deals with his own issues.

 

I won't blow sunshine up your behind, all I can tell you is that I don't feel like this relationship is good for someone with anxiety.

 

Do you have a friend or family member you can spend time with?

[lostlove76]

So, since you didn't give an answer,I presume he is not receiving treatment for his addiction, and that he continues to drink...is that correct?

 

As for "aren't we all damaged", that's just justification. Someone could use the "nobody's perfect" argument with regard to crack addiction or armed robbery or wife beaters.

 

This is all starting to make more sense. You feel that no one else would accept your issues so you cling to him. But that's like a drowning person clinging to a piece of Styrofoam. An addict cannot be a support system for anyone unless and until he deals with his own issues.

 

I won't blow sunshine up your behind, all I can tell you is that I don't feel like this relationship is good for someone with anxiety.

 

Do you have a friend or family member you can spend time with?

 

Oh, I'm sorry. I saw the question, but got sidetracked with my reply and forgot to answer. No, he's not receiving treatment.

 

There are others that would accept my issues. I've had past boyfriends that accepted it. (I'm sure there are tons who would not accept it, as well). But I don't want anyone else; I love HIM.

 

"all I can tell you is that I don't feel like this relationship is good for someone with anxiety." --> You're right. I can see this. But I love him, I don't want anyone else, I'm not ready to give him up when there is so much between us that IS right.

 

I'm very close with my parents. I'm not lonely. I have people in my life who accept me fully. I'm currently on the outs with my best friend (don't really want to get into that here, and it's the first time it's happened, and it's not because of my issues). I'm hugely introverted and prefer to keep to myself, except for a small few people.

[boltnrun]

All I can tell you is if you're determined to hold on to this relationship, you just need to accept that you will have anxiety several times a week. And that you will remain in an indefinite holding pattern until he decides if or when he wants you to live with him.

 

Since he's an alcoholic who doesn't seem to want to stop, has it occurred to you that on the days you don't hear from him he might be drinking?

[lostlove76]

All I can tell you is if you're determined to hold on to this relationship, you just need to accept that you will have anxiety several times a week. And that you will remain in an indefinite holding pattern until he decides if or when he wants you to live with him.

 

Since he's an alcoholic who doesn't seem to want to stop, has it occurred to you that on the days you don't hear from him he might be drinking?

 

I've wondered if it has anything to do with his level of drinking - either more or less than usual - and it has some effect on his mood. Someone earlier in the thread (sorry, I forget who) nailed it, I think... every time I don't hear from him seems to be after we've gotten super super close. So it could be intimacy issues.

 

Or perhaps he was just taking a nap. He has to work overnight shift tonight and could have been sleeping.

 

How do you know? The not knowing, and the infinite possibilities, is what drives me nuts, because I always start assuming the worst.

[Hollyj]

This just goes in circles.

[lostlove76]

This just goes in circles.

 

I know. My mind goes in circles. Sorry.

[ThatwasThen]

Would love some positive, constructive feedback about this, if anyone is willing. Please pleeease don't say anything that will just double my anxiety, if you can at all help it. I'm asking nicely.

What? You'd want us to lie to you?

I'll tell you what I think (even though I said I was bowing out). He was too drunk to answer or he passed out and didn't hear the phone ringing. Can you imagine how lonely you'll be when you're stuck in one room with him while he either passes out or stumbles around in there with you? When you're subjected to that day in and day out, you'll hardly be calling him "a functioning alcoholic"

[annie24]

Like right now... I'm currently worried because I called tonight and he didn't answer. So in the back of my mind, I'm feeling the worry creep in about what this could mean (did he find someone else? did he decide he doesn't want to be with me? etc). We last talked two nights ago and everything was perfect, so hopefully my anxious thoughts have no basis in reality. But this is what happens every time we go two days or more without talking. SURELY I'm not the only woman who does this?? I know I'm not; women are notorious for worrying about this kind of thing. But I want to get control of it and not feel freaked out every time we don't talk for a couple/few days. Because he always always eventually calls, as loving as ever, and says it doesn't mean anything bad. Meanwhile, I've gotten myself into such a tizzy that I'm ready to call it quits. I guess if I'm going to remain with him, I need to accept that this is just how he is. He's always been this way. He's like this with everyone.

 

Would love some positive, constructive feedback about this, if anyone is willing. Please pleeease don't say anything that will just double my anxiety, if you can at all help it. I'm asking nicely.

 

I think you should get to therapy and get on meds to deal with your anxiety. I have GAD as well and depression so I know what it's like to freak out. That being said, if you're finding yourself freaking out a lot, this is probably not the right relationship for you. You should find someone who makes you feel secure and loved. We have so many other things in life to worry about - money, job, bad bosses, taxes, etc.... Shouldn't your love life be a source of happiness, not anxiety and upset?

[Wiseman2]

It sounds you've listed three valid reasons to carefully consider if you want this on/off life with someone who sounds unreliable. Do you want someone who is in and out of your life as he pleases? Is he stringing you along with a carrot and stick? Imagine meeting someone you can trust and relay on

1. Lapses in communication: the whole time I've known him, he will periodically go MIA for days at a time and not call. I never call him, I always let him initiate (bc when I've initiated in the past and he was in an off mood, he reacted coldly or didn't respond and it hurt my feelings, so I quit doing it). So when he doesn't call, we don't talk, and I become filled with worry and confusion about what could be wrong, if he's cheating, if he quit loving me, if he's playing mind games to see if I'll call him. He's never told me a reason other than he doesn't know or likes to be alone sometimes.

 

2. He keeps telling me he'll come get me to live there with him, but it never happens. He's a big talker with little action. But when he's telling me he's coming, I know he believes it while he's saying it. Then he doesn't follow through, and I'm sure it's bc he's scared of living together. I can't afford my own place.

 

3. I simply don't trust him not to cheat. He's cheated in all past relationships, he was seeing others before we became exclusive (but I wasn't aware that he was), and he's a big flirt. I know he's on dating sites. I called him out on it about the one site I saw him on and he immediately quit getting on there, but I'm sure he has others.

[lostlove76]

Thanks for the comments. I don't mind that kind of honesty, I just didn't want to hear "he doesn't love you" or "he's cheating" which would only fuel my anxiety. I know he does love me. On phone and it's a pain to quote...

 

ThatWasThen:

Maybe be was drunk and passed out, maybe you're right. He had to be at work in four hours, but maybe he was sleeping it off. I don't know why the alcoholism doesn't bother me as much as it would bother anyone else. Is it safe to say that none of you would date an alcoholic?

 

Annie:

Your message made me tear up. I defend him, and us, a lot because I love him so much and want so badly for it to work. But I agree that this is not making me feel secure, and is causing a lot of upset and added anxiety. When he's calling regularly, I feel happy. Soon as he misses a day, it's a downward spiral into the anxiety and sadness. Like now.

 

I have a feeling that this is the start of another several days of not hearing from him. This always happens when we've gotten SO close. Last week he called more than usual, because he missed me so much when I was angry and not taking to him (which was when I started this thread). He said (as he's said many many times) that he thinks I'm his soulmate and the last girl for him. He said he can't mess this up. You just have to trust me when I say that he doesn't say things he doesn't feel.

 

I think it makes him scared or uncomfortable when we get super-close, and I have a hard time understanding that. After almost two years, why still be scared? Part of me almost kinda sorta understands, because I've felt similar in my life. But I still don't fully get it. As someone said earlier in the thread (sorry I forget who), it's always when I start to feel secure and comfortable because we're so close and he's being consistent... that's when he suddenly pulls back for days. Then after a few days break, he calls me as loving as ever. He really follows the rubberbanding theory from Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus to a tee. Do any of you understand this from a fear-of-intimacy position and could explain it to me? I would just really like to understand it better. Can it ever get better, the longer you're with someone?

 

This morning I woke up angry about him not answering last night because I'm anticipating this pull back. Maybe it was just the one night, and he'll call tonight and things will be fine. But if he doesn't call tonight then I'm already gearing myself up to drop him again and try to make it stick this time.

[lostlove76]

Thanks Wiseman Yep, those are the problems! Everything else is wonderful, but those problems are so big that it overshadows all else because my anxiety can't handle it.

 

Are you a man (Wiseman)? If so, could you tell me from a man's point of view how you feel about frequency of communication? Is it less of a big deal to men? He acts like it doesn't mean anything when we don't talk for several days - he says he's still thinking of me and that it doesn't mean he doesn't love me. I know his mom calls all the time and he forgets to call her back, and he hardly keeps in touch with good friends. So it's not just me. The intimacy-fear theory is my own, not something he's specifically told me happens, so I don't KNOW if this is what's going on.

[boltnrun]

He's not "afraid".

 

The relationship as it is works fine for him. He calls you when he wants to and doesn't call you when he doesn't want to.

 

He hasn't had you move in because for whatever reason, he doesn't want you to. Not now, who knows, maybe not ever.

 

I know he says all the right things (when he gets around to calling) but his actions are what really tell you the full story.

 

It's easy to sit miles away and say "I love you". My ex said that to me all the time, while he had his ex girlfriend and other women in his bed as I sat home a couple towns away. But what is he DOING?

 

He wants you to call, but doesn't answer when you do. What message does THAT send to you?

 

I know you don't want to believe this, but HE is a major cause of your anxiety.

 

Like I said before, I had terrible anxiety. It magically went away when that relationship ended. Funny how that works.

 

I've said it before but I'll repeat it once more...if you choose to stay in this relationship you have to accept that you will be anxious much of the time. And that you are in an indefinite holding pattern while HE decides your future and your place in his life.

[Wiseman2]

If you are not feeling connected after this long something is not right, period. He may dismiss getting back to friends but if he is trying to build a relationship with you he needs more than words and calling you if/when he feels like it. Going MIA for days would bother anyone in a committed relationship. Heck a soldier can call his loved ones from half a world away on a reliable basis.

Thanks Wiseman Yep, those are the problems! Everything else is wonderful, but those problems are so big that it overshadows all else because my anxiety can't handle it.

 

Are you a man (Wiseman)? If so, could you tell me from a man's point of view how you feel about frequency of communication? Is it less of a big deal to men? He acts like it doesn't mean anything when we don't talk for several days - he says he's still thinking of me and that it doesn't mean he doesn't love me. I know his mom calls all the time and he forgets to call her back, and he hardly keeps in touch with good friends. So it's not just me. The intimacy-fear theory is my own, not something he's specifically told me happens, so I don't KNOW if this is what's going on.

[lostlove76]

back on laptop, so I can quote...

 

He's not "afraid".

I don't mean consciously afraid, or saying he's afraid as an excuse. I mean discomfort with closeness and intimacy. The book Men Who Can't Love explains it well, and I've felt it myself, but I still have a hard time fully understanding it. He's said before that he's scared to get too close to people (and it was not an excuse, given the context of the conversation).

 

The relationship as it is works fine for him. He calls you when he wants to and doesn't call you when he doesn't want to.

Yeah, this is what bothers me. It's all perfect for him.

 

He wants you to call, but doesn't answer when you do. What message does THAT send to you?

I know!! This is why I fear calling. I've explained this to him a million times, but it's honestly like groundhog day - every time we talk about it, he says Why don't you ever call me? As if he literally does not remember that we've talked about it so much. Part of that is the drinking - he forgets things.

 

It's easy to sit miles away and say "I love you".

He also said it when we were together in person all the time before he moved. He was just as verbal about it, in addition to being super affectionate, every single time we were together. So it's not just because of the distance that it's easy to say it.

 

I know he says all the right things (when he gets around to calling) but his actions are what really tell you the full story.

I don't know what actions I should be looking for? When he does call (every other night, except for the times he doesn't call for a few days) we talk for hoursssss. We'll hang up when he's ready to go to sleep and he calls right back to say goodnight again. When I don't answer, he calls 10-30 times in a row. Aren't those actions of a sort? What other actions could he do, being so far apart?

 

He hasn't had you move in because for whatever reason, he doesn't want you to. Not now, who knows, maybe not ever.

Why does he keep insisting that he wants me there? He talks like I'll be there soon (when talking about certain friends, he says I'll like them. says he can get me a job. says I'll love it there). I can only imagine that "fear" is holding him back from just DOING it already (it being a tiny room, being afraid of messing things up between us, etc).

 

I know you don't want to believe this, but HE is a major cause of your anxiety.

 

Like I said before, I had terrible anxiety. It magically went away when that relationship ended. Funny how that works.

 

I've said it before but I'll repeat it once more...if you choose to stay in this relationship you have to accept that you will be anxious much of the time. And that you are in an indefinite holding pattern while HE decides your future and your place in his life.

 

I actually do agree with most of this. It doesn't cause all of my anxiety, and won't make it all go away if I'm not with him. And I've had anxiety in every relationship. But the way he is adds to it to a large degree.

 

If you are not feeling connected after this long something is not right, period. He may dismiss getting back to friends but if he is trying to build a relationship with you he needs more than words and calling you if/when he feels like it. Going MIA for days would bother anyone in a committed relationship. Heck a soldier can call his loved ones from half a world away on a reliable basis.

That's the thing though.. we ARE feeling connected, except during the days of not talking. We have a very deep connection and comfort level while talking (and while in person together before he moved). We spend a lot of time talking about how much we love each other and how much of a connection we have. In every single phone call, we probably say we love and miss each other about 20 times (mostly initiated by him). The connection is unquestionably there.

But thanks for your view on going MIA. That's one thing I need to know, if it would bother anyone or if it's my anxiety talking.

[boltnrun]

Yeah, this does go in circles.

 

He SAYS he wants you there, but in your own words you admit he doesn't actually DO anything about getting you there.

 

But it seems to me that as long as he says the right things you are willing to wait it out.

 

All the times you say things are wonderful!! Except when this or that happens. The "excepts" are what the issue is:

 

He "wants" you there but does nothing to make it happen.

He's a "functioning" alcoholic who does nothing to try to get better (leading one to believe he doesn't WANT to stop).

He has a history of cheating and going on dating sites and concealing it.

He calls you and talks for hours, then goes M.I.A., sometimes for days.

He says he wants you to call him, then doesn't answer when you do.

He seems fine with the level of contact you two have, but obviously you are not (hence the anxiety).

 

Those are a LOT of "excepts".

 

But I still stand by what I said before...you want this relationship, so you must accept that you will be anxious and that you are going to remain in a holding pattern for as long as HE decides you'll be.

[lostlove76]

Thanks for talking with me. Sometimes just talking things through helps, ya know? I know I'm being frustrating and you guys don't think I'm accepting or getting what you're saying, but it does sink in. I'm conflicted, and that's why I go back and forth. The good is SO good, and the bad is SO bad. It's hard to let go of the good. We are bonded, and it's hard to cut that off. It's like I'm with two different guys - when things are good, I've never had this kind of deep love and connection before, truly. He couldn't be more loving. When he's "MIA" it's a completely different situation. He's only skipped one night of talking at this point, but I'm feeling as if it's been days because I'm anticipating that it will be. He really stepped it up last week by calling more, but now it's back to this.

 

If he calls tonight I'll give it more time. If he doesn't, I'll have to cut him off again and try to stick to it this time. I called last night and he didn't answer, so now it's his turn right? I at least tried and did what he keeps saying he wanted.

 

I just worry that I'm making more out of this not-calling-for-days thing than I should be. Maybe this is just the way he is and it truly means nothing. Maybe he's rubberbanding or caving as per the Mars Venus book and it's normal male behavior.

 

As for moving there, maybe I just need to wait until we both feel more ready. Tons of guys put off that major step, don't they?

 

Just thinking out loud and working it through. Sorry.

[reinventmyself]

You say you don't know what actions you should be looking for?

You've discussed in length with about how important consistency is for you. I understand this because it's an important quality for me as well.

 

Whether it's weekly, daily or every hour, bar some other circumstance you should be able to count on each others consistency.

 

He was able to hold up his end for a few days and now on a Saturday night, he goes MIA.

 

If you didn't already have anxiety this would provoke anxiety in most.

This almost a routine for you two.

You asked for something important and he couldn't deliver. You keep making excuses for him.

[lostlove76]

As for the dating sites, he quit getting on the second I said something. He's like a child who will get away with things until you put your foot down. Is there any way to put my foot down about the not calling for days? I've tried everything I know to do. Fussing doesn't work. Ignoring his calls when he calls again doesn't work. Explaining how I feel doesn't work. I'm open to suggestions. They say people only treat you how you allow. I'm confused on how not to "allow" this behavior.

[lostlove76]

Reinventmyself:

The Saturday night isn't of significance. He had to work the overnight shift. I called at 8:30pm, and he was to be at work in 3.5 hours. So he wasn't out doing anything bad. He could have been sleeping before working all night. Just wanted to make that clear.

 

Yes, consistency is key. Thanks for clearing up that it would make anyone anxious, and isn't just me being unreasonable.

 

ETA: Okay I see how consistency is an action he could take. I was truly confused on any actions he could take beyond words when we're so far apart. This makes sense. Thanks.