Broke up with commitment-phobe (again)... Did I do the right thing?

[boltnrun]

he's scared that she's going to move in, and the next week, he's going to meet the perfect woman for him and that he's going to be trapped and not know what to do.

 

Well, it IS easy to say "I love you" when the person isn't right in front of you. Or when you don't have to deal with day to day living.

 

I understand you two talk only every other day. If you two live together, how is that supposed to continue? Will he ignore you on Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday or something?

 

I'm not trying to be facetious, but he seems to like the distance (physically and emotionally). "Why" he does is really the big, big question.

[Hollyj]

Also, why does she continue on the hamster wheel?

 

A healthy relationship does not have this type of anxiety. You also don't base your mood and life, as to whether your bf is in contact. So unstable. This is crazy making.

 

But, this is what the OP is comfortable with, or else she would be in a stable relationship.

[ThatwasThen]

I don't feel weak. I feel happy.

Yes until you're not again.

 

I'm 100% happier than I would be if I had refused to talk to him.

yes, until you're not again,

 

We're back to good, and as loving as ever.

Yes, until you're not again.

 

He's not just throwing out empty words when he tells me how much he loves me;

you are so in denial, luv.

 

I can feel the sincerity of what he's saying (just in case anyone doubts it), and he's always consistent in the things he says.

Yes because he knows what works to get him back through the door.

 

I don't know if we'll work for the long run or not, but we both really want it to.

Takes more then love for that to happen.

 

Neither of us is perfect; we both have our issues. But I think we're both trying.

You are so in denial. Maybe if you go to a codependents anonymous meeting or two you'll learn to accept and be happy in what you have with him but clearly you really are not or this thread wouldn't exist.

 

Google "Love Addict" and "Love Avoidant.

[lostlove76]

Why doesn't he get therapy for his trust issues?

 

He's said before that he probably needs therapy, but you know how guys are. I can't see him ever actually going.

[ThatwasThen]

He's said before that he probably needs therapy, but you know how guys are. I can't see him ever actually going.

.. and if you google "love avoidant" you will see that that is jus tone of they symptoms.

 

 

You two have a typical Love Addict/Love Avoidant dynamic. There is a 12 step programme for the Love Addict.

[lostlove76]

If he loves you so much and everything's good now, why is he still stalling on having you move in?

 

And I don't buy "he's scared". What the heck is there to be "scared" of? Is he afraid you'll leave dirty dishes in the sink or something?

 

I myself am terrified. There's a ton to be scared of. He lives in a one room place (not a one-bedroom apartment... one room period, and a tiny room at that). That's probably the biggest reason, for him. Myself, I'm scared of moving to a whole new town, away from my comfort zone here. That's probably a big responsibility for him to consider, as well, uprooting me like that. He's independent and needs his space; I'm the same way. I could honestly name a dozen scary what-ifs.

[lostlove76]

he's scared that she's going to move in, and the next week, he's going to meet the perfect woman for him and that he's going to be trapped and not know what to do.

 

No, this is NOT it. He's said I'm the one for him, that we're soulmates. That he knows what we have (the connection). That he doesn't want to mess this up.

[lostlove76]

Well, it IS easy to say "I love you" when the person isn't right in front of you. Or when you don't have to deal with day to day living.

 

I understand you two talk only every other day. If you two live together, how is that supposed to continue? Will he ignore you on Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday or something?

 

I'm not trying to be facetious, but he seems to like the distance (physically and emotionally). "Why" he does is really the big, big question.

 

We were together every other night for six straight months before he moved (and on and off before that). And by night, I mean all evening together and then stayed the night. I WAS right in front of him, and every time we were together he was full of affection and I-love-you's. It was all perfect. He was never ever cold or distant in person. I'm not sure where the every other day pattern came from, but I may have set it long ago and he went with it. When we first got together, I'm the one who kind of wanted a day in between, and after a time it just became a pattern that he continued.

 

When I started this thread we were "off" ("broken up"). Since we've been talking again, he's actually gotten closer. This past week he called 5 out of 7 days rather than sticking to the every other. This seems silly to say, but to me I consider this progress. He's trying. He's expanding outside his comfort zone by calling more. I'm worried that he'll need an intimacy break any time now, but we'll have to see what happens. For now things are going amazingly well.

 

I do worry about space issues when moving in. I worry we'll both be awkward at first. It IS scary.

[Hollyj]

He's said before that he probably needs therapy, but you know how guys are. I can't see him ever actually going.

 

That is not true at all. Plenty of men seek counseling, if they want to change. Stop excusing.

[lostlove76]

 

Google "Love Addict" and "Love Avoidant.

 

I've read all about attachment theory, and I agree that that has a big place in what's going on here. I think he and I are both love addicts and both avoidants to an extent. I feel like a love addict, but I act very avoidant in many many ways. I took an online test and it says I'm fearful-avoidant. Which sucks, and means I have a big hill to climb no matter what relationship I'm in. As I've said, I've always had the same anxiety and the same issues no matter what guy I was with. Even guys I wasn't all that into.

[lostlove76]

.. and if you google "love avoidant" you will see that that is jus tone of they symptoms.

 

 

You two have a typical Love Addict/Love Avoidant dynamic. There is a 12 step programme for the Love Addict.

 

If you're interested in learning more about this (or maybe you already have) google "attachment theory". There are actually four styles: secure, anxious, dismissive avoidant, and fearful avoidant. The latter three are all insecure styles. Secure plus secure equals the healthiest relationships. As we get up there in age (30s and beyond) the secures become taken, and what's left are the anxious and avoidants. These two types usually end up together.

 

I have work to do on myself, without a doubt. Our attachment styles are pretty much set early on in life, but can be adjusted with awareness and work I think.

[Hollyj]

Are you still in therapy?

[lostlove76]

That is not true at all. Plenty of men seek counseling, if they want to change. Stop excusing.

 

Plenty of guys also don't.

 

I need therapy and I keep putting it off.

 

Everything is not black and white. People aren't perfect.

[lostlove76]

Are you still in therapy?

 

No. I've been several times in my life, but not for years. I should be. I'm putting it off, not sure why. I put everything off.

[lostlove76]

I hate having to defend his love for me. I have zero doubt that he loves me (although I will admit that I often get into negative-thinking mode and can convince myself that he doesn't care - but during those times, I'm actively looking for evidence that he doesn't care while ignoring evidence that he does. I used to also think my parents didn't care about me, which as I've gotten older I can now see was clearly not the case. I've always had a tendency to do this). This, with him, isn't about love. The love is there. It's about space issues, intimacy issues, commitment issues. On both our parts.

[reinventmyself]

Can I ask why you are not employed and what your plans are?

The reason I'm asking is it's obvious that you spend a lot of time focusing on this guy. You're the first one to admit it. I can't help but think if you had more going on in your life, he probably wouldn't be so appealing to you.

If you're not working what outlets do you have outside of this?

[lostlove76]

Can I ask why you are not employed and what your plans are?

The reason I'm asking is it's obvious that you spend a lot of time focusing on this guy. You're the first one to admit it. I can't help but think if you had more going on in your life, he probably wouldn't be so appealing to you.

If you're not working what outlets do you have outside of this?

 

He would be as appealing. I love him. We have a deep connection, and he has some really amazing qualities as a person. He's very loving, and very lovable. Perhaps I gave the wrong impression of him in the beginning of the thread, because as I've stated, I was in a different mindset and trying to force him out of my heart at the time. He definitely has issues. He's done things that have hurt me and hurt my trust in him. But he's also done a whole lot right, which I could list but it will just seem as if I'm continuing to defend him and make excuses. I've also done things that could have hurt him and hurt his trust in me a lot, if he wasn't so forgiving and the type to let things roll off his shoulders.

 

BUT, I will agree that if I had more going on I would be less likely to focus in on every tiny move he makes, and not as quick to turn everything into a make-it-or-break-it situation.

 

Anxiety is the main reason I don't work. Anxiety in general. I have anxiety about driving, a bit of social anxiety (only in certain situations), I worry a lot about everything. It all wears me out and causes a lack of energy and motivation. I do little things here and there to earn money. But I live with my parents, and I don't really have any push to get on with things. I've just kind of gotten stuck. If and when I do move down there, I will have to get a real job. He said he could get me a job where he works, and if he could that would be great. It will all be a huge adjustment though, and it's SCARY. Fear really holds me back in life, and it's easier to just do nothing and try to ignore the scary things.

 

Do you guys ever worry that someone you know in real life will find you on here? I feel like I'm saying so many personal things, and I would be sooooo embarassed if anyone ever stumbled upon this. I know the chances are slim to none, but still.

[reinventmyself]

((Hugs)) I've wrestled with an anxiety disorder off and on so I understand how it can be debilitating. I haven't had it to the degree you shared but it's definitely challenging.

Thank you for sharing that. Its late. I'll circle back tomorrow.

[lostlove76]

((Hugs)) I've wrestled with an anxiety disorder off and on so I understand how it can be debilitating. I haven't had it to the degree you shared but it's definitely challenging.

Thank you for sharing that. Its late. I'll circle back tomorrow.

 

Thank you for the support!! And thanks for being so kind and positive. I really appreciate it.

[Hollyj]

Why aren't you on meds and in therapy for the anxiety? You would be able to function better and live a more normal life. Help yourself.

 

I can't imagine living in a one room apt., then working together. That would be insane. That is a good way to a fast end to the relationship. You need some time on your own.

[reinventmyself]

Why aren't you on meds and in therapy for the anxiety? You would be able to function better and live a more normal life. Help yourself.

 

That's a little insensitive. Just sayin'

[Hollyj]

How so? She knows she has a problem with anxiety, yet us doing nothing to try and help herself. She has said numerous times that it is something she needs to address. What's the hold up?

[ThatwasThen]

 

I have work to do on myself, without a doubt. Our attachment styles are pretty much set early on in life, but can be adjusted with awareness and work I think.

Then why are you even contemplating uprooting yourself to move to a one room apartment when you've not worked on yourself? You're scared to do it because your gut is trying to tell you that YOU are not in any position mentally to be doing such a thing with such a loser. An alcoholic that lives in one room. Gah! No wonder you're scared.

 

Telling someone the truth is a lot less insensitive then not trying to open up their eyes to their folly. Denial aint just a river in Egypt.

 

A symptom of codependency and emotional immaturity is saying you know something isn't the way it should be, that you know you shouldn't be doing something, (etc) but you don't work on the issue within and you go ahead and do the very thing you know you are foolish to be doing. Love addicts are drawn to people that are love avoidant and if OP doesn't get the professional help that she needs. She will end up with someone just like the present alcoholic she is dysfunctionally still hanging onto even though she knows its a disaster waiting to happen as she remains in her denial and says things like so far he's improved and its been great and all the other enabling dialogue that she feeds herself. Helping her to feed the denial is what, IMO is insensitive. People with good personal boundaries in place don't usually feel guilty for telling people the truth of the matter. It's hard to be sensitive online when voice inflection and facial expression is missing but when someone comes to an open forum for guidance, it is irresponsible on our parts if we don't tell them like it is. Doing so doesn't mean we are being insensitive.

 

At this point I don't think we can help her. She needs the help of a professional and a 12 step programme to get her past this so I'm bowing out now. She's not ready to hear the truth. She reads the truth but is so in denial that all she does is read about it while she continues on in her unhealthy attachments.

 

I wish for you the strength to do the work on yourself that you need to do before you uproot and ruin your life in a one room flat with an alcoholic avoider, Op.

 

Be well

[chitown9]

Then why are you even contemplating uprooting yourself to move to a one room apartment when you've not worked on yourself? You're scared to do it because your gut is trying to tell you that YOU are not in any position mentally to be doing such a thing with such a loser. An alcoholic that lives in one room. Gah! No wonder you're scared.

 

Telling someone the truth is a lot less insensitive then not trying to open up their eyes to their folly. Denial aint just a river in Egypt.

 

A symptom of codependency and emotional immaturity is saying you know something isn't the way it should be, that you know you shouldn't be doing something, (etc) but you don't work on the issue within and you go ahead and do the very thing you know you are foolish to be doing. Love addicts are drawn to people that are love avoidant and if OP doesn't get the professional help that she needs. She will end up with someone just like the present alcoholic she is dysfunctionally still hanging onto even though she knows its a disaster waiting to happen as she remains in her denial and says things like so far he's improved and its been great and all the other enabling dialogue that she feeds herself. Helping her to feed the denial is what, IMO is insensitive. People with good personal boundaries in place don't usually feel guilty for telling people the truth of the matter. It's hard to be sensitive online when voice inflection and facial expression is missing but when someone comes to an open forum for guidance, it is irresponsible on our parts if we don't tell them like it is. Doing so doesn't mean we are being insensitive.

 

At this point I don't think we can't help her. She needs the help of a professional and a 12 step programme to get her past this so I'm bowing out now. She's not ready to hear the truth. She reads the truth but is so in denial that all she does is read about it while she continues on in her unhealthy attachments.

 

I wish for you the strength to do the work on yourself that you need to do before you uproot and ruin your life in a one room flat with an alcoholic avoider, Op.

 

Be well

 

I agree with this post. I do not think that we can help her except to recommend that she get professional help. chi

[lostlove76]

Why aren't you on meds and in therapy for the anxiety? You would be able to function better and live a more normal life. Help yourself.

 

I guess because it seems like such a big hill to climb. I've been on meds and in therapy before, and it didn't "fix" the problem completely. If I could take a pill and it would completely cure the anxiety and everything would be fantastic, then I would already be doing it. But it only minimally helped in the past. I'm not saying that this line of thinking is the best, or that it's totally logical. Just being honest about where my thoughts are. I'm also not saying that I'm not going to do it soon or at some point. Just explaining why I haven't yet. It's easy to get stuck and stay in your comfort zone.

 

I can't imagine living in a one room apt., then working together. That would be insane. That is a good way to a fast end to the relationship. You need some time on your own.

So you can see why both he and I are hesitating. It's not lack of love. It's because, among the intimacy/commitment issues or whatever, it's also not an ideal situation in a practical sense. But what's the other option? We can either try it, or stay apart. We don't want to be apart. So what are we supposed to do?

 

Sometimes I feel like we need to get on with things, and I get frustrated by thinking he's stringing me along. But I've talked to him about this, and he assures me he's not stringing me along. He only admits that he's scared when I ask him if he is, or tell him that he is. He's not using "scared" as an excuse; he'll even say sometimes that he's not scared, that he's ready and it'll be fine. But I know he's scared, and I know I'm scared (and I'm honest with him that I'm scared too). I'm the one who brings up the scared talk, not him.

 

So the other option is putting it off a while until we both feel more ready. But I'm afraid that the long distance will mess things up before we get the chance to make it happen. What's a reasonable amount of time to wait? It might take years before we both feel fully ready. So I wonder if just jumping in and making it work would be the best thing, some time in the next couple of months. I'm conflicted on this.