Broke up with commitment-phobe (again)... Did I do the right thing?

[lostlove76]

That's a great question! Each time I keep thinking if I were to meet the right guy I could do this, right? Time and maturity has taught me it isn't so much about finding the right guy (even tho it's important) But what's equally or more important is being the right person.

 

I am not sure anymore. My new relationship is 5 mo's new. I would love the idea that this evolves into something great and we grow old together. But what's telling is a couple things. Aside from my last 2 relationships, I had a best friend rent a room for a year. I dreaded going home. She was anxious and miserable to be around but how much of it was her and how much of it was me yearning to come home to my quiet castle?

 

My oldest son lives with me right now. He's the BEST roommate ever. Besides him being my baby and I love him more than life itself (all 6'4" of him) he's fun, easy going, respectful and spends the majority time at his gf's. But why am I surprised when I catch myself rounding the corner to my house after work and honestly hoping the house is empty? What does that tell you?

 

Honestly, it tells me that (intimacy issues aside), you may be an introvert. Do you think that has anything to do with all of this? That you simply need your alone time and your own space? Introversion is different than intimacy issues. You can be an introvert and not necessarily a commitment-phobe. With your son, you can be totally yourself around him in a way that maybe you couldn't with your best friend. I live with my parents (I'm way too old for that, but I do), and I can be my grumpy, introverted self around them and they don't take it personally because they know how I am. But with anyone else, I feel like I always have to be "on" so as not to hurt any feelings.

 

Sorry to go all armchair psychologist on you, lol. I'm an extreme introvert, and have read a bit about it and accepted this about myself over time, so that's immediately what jumped out at me with your post rather than anything to do with intimacy issues (although the two could definitely, and probably do, overlap).

[reinventmyself]

Honestly, it tells me that (intimacy issues aside), you may be an introvert. Do you think that has anything to do with all of this? That you simply need your alone time and your own space? Introversion is different than intimacy issues. You can be an introvert and not necessarily a commitment-phobe. With your son, you can be totally yourself around him in a way that maybe you couldn't with your best friend. I live with my parents (I'm way too old for that, but I do), and I can be my grumpy, introverted self around them and they don't take it personally because they know how I am. But with anyone else, I feel like I always have to be "on" so as not to hurt any feelings.

 

Sorry to go all armchair psychologist on you, lol. I'm an extreme introvert, and have read a bit about it and accepted this about myself over time, so that's immediately what jumped out at me with your post rather than anything to do with intimacy issues (although the two could definitely, and probably do, overlap).

oh yah. .that too.

I am social introvert, if there is such a thing. I crave social gatherings. . I am soft spoken, social butterfly.

BUT I have a serious limit. I am out and about and then I need to retreat to seriously recharge.

If I my partner would understand this and allow me the space to be alone and not take it personally, then bingo!

My job puts me front and center (just not today!) It drains the life out of me. I love it but it takes it's toll too.

Sometimes I feel there is not much left of me to offer someone.

[reinventmyself]

so having said all this. . what are you going to do going forward?

[lostlove76]

oh yah. .that too.

I am social introvert, if there is such a thing. I crave social gatherings. . I am soft spoken, social butterfly.

BUT I have a serious limit. I am out and about and then I need to retreat to seriously recharge.

If I my partner would understand this and allow me the space to be alone and not take it personally, then bingo!

My job puts me front and center (just not today!) It drains the life out of me. I love it but it takes it's toll too.

Sometimes I feel there is not much left of me to offer someone.

 

We all need time to recharge! Completely normal, especially with a draining job. Introverts recharge and gain energy by being alone. Extroverts gain energy by being around others. You sound like a mix between the two (i.e. ambivert). I need a huge amount of alone time, with hardly any social time.

 

This is something my (ex)guy needs: "If my partner would understand this and allow me the space to be alone and not take it personally, then bingo!"

And I could handle that, if not for my own anxiety about what he might be doing during that time (I get paranoid that he's cheating... BUT, I have good reason to be paranoid, because he has a history of cheating!). I find that if you explain to someone why you need the alone time, and give them a head's up that you're going to take it and that it's not personal, someone will be more understanding and learn not to take it personally. You just have to let them know, rather than leaving them to wonder.

[reinventmyself]

This is something my (ex)guy needs: "If my partner would understand this and allow me the space to be alone and not take it personally, then bingo!"

And I could handle that, if not for my own anxiety about what he might be doing during that time (I get paranoid that he's cheating... BUT, I have good reason to be paranoid, because he has a history of cheating!). I find that if you explain to someone why you need the alone time, and give them a head's up that you're going to take it and that it's not personal, someone will be more understanding and learn not to take it personally. You just have to let them know, rather than leaving them to wonder.

Well. . . if that was your only challenge with this guy then it would be manageable.

But it's not. When I am need of time alone I don't go MIA when I know it hurts someone, make promises I can't keep, log onto dating websites and drink.

Not if I want to be in a relationship I don't.

[lostlove76]

so having said all this. . what are you going to do going forward?

 

That is the question! I think the healthiest thing in the long run is for me to never talk to him again. His sweet-talking just drags me back into it. I won't initiate anything. So I guess it depends on if/when he calls. It could be two days from now or it could be three weeks from now.

 

The hopeful side of me thinks that we can all (all of us - all people in general) work through our issues and that anything is possible. That we could make it work, if we're just aware of what the problem is. But I know I've tried and tried, and given him chance after chance. I just wish that he would have an epiphany (he's had one before and came back more committed) and would come back and do what it takes. But I don't know that I could take him back a few weeks from now after he's been on the dating site the whole time.

 

I won't have a relationship with him unless:

1) There are NO other girls, no dating sites, no nothing

2) He quits with the days-long lapses in communication

3) We eventually, in the near future, live in the same place

 

I think I made that clear to him, so the ball is now in his court. If he comes back, I'll have to decide whether I believe he is honestly willing to try. I love him so much that I hate to just give him up forever And I know that he does love me, even if it is a more selfish kind of love.

 

What do you think?

 

ETA:

It's all or nothing for me, with him. I will never be his friend. I can't. So we're either in a real relationship and make it work, or nothing at all. I won't chat with him or talk to him otherwise, and I made that clear as well.

[lostlove76]

Well. . . if that was your only challenge with this guy then it would be manageable.

But it's not. When I am need of time alone I don't go MIA when I know it hurts someone, make promises I can't keep, log onto dating websites and drink.

Not if I want to be in a relationship I don't.

 

You're so right. If that were the only issue, then okay. The MIA is what bothers me the most, and of course anything to do with other girls (dating sites, etc). He did give up the site when I said something to him, and only just got back on it after my last text. In the past, he also deleted an ex-girlfriend from facebook when I asked him to, because she was leaving flirty comments on his wall. So it shows that he's willing, ya know? It's just so much WORK to tell/show/teach him what to do and what not to do. I shouldn't have to ask him to do these things, he should just do it.

[reinventmyself]

That is the question! I think the healthiest thing in the long run is for me to never talk to him again. His sweet-talking just drags me back into it. I won't initiate anything. So I guess it depends on if/when he calls. It could be two days from now or it could be three weeks from now.

 

The hopeful side of me thinks that we can all (all of us - all people in general) work through our issues and that anything is possible. That we could make it work, if we're just aware of what the problem is. But I know I've tried and tried, and given him chance after chance. I just wish that he would have an epiphany (he's had one before and came back more committed) and would come back and do what it takes. But I don't know that I could take him back a few weeks from now after he's been on the dating site the whole time.

 

I won't take have a relationship with him unless:

1) There are NO other girls, no dating sites, no nothing

2) He quits with the days-long lapses in communication

3) We eventually, in the near future, live in the same place

 

I think I made that clear to him, so the ball is now in his court. If he comes back, I'll have to decide whether I believe he is honestly willing to try. I love him so much that I hate to just give him up forever And I know that he does love me, even if it is a more selfish kind of love.

 

What do you think?

 

ooo. . you are much nicer than I am.

One click on a dating website is death knoll for me. Besides he probably knows you know.

Therefore he knows it hurts you.

He loves you?

Are these actions of a loving man?

 

Sure he talks good game but his actions are unbearable.

You don't think he heard you the first time, second or third and somehow if you say in another way, a different language or stand on your head he'll suddenly get it? He knows exactly what you want. I don't know either of you but I'll bet my paycheck he does.

 

He also knows how far he can push you because you've proven to him over and over and you even go as far as to reinforce his bad behavior and he'll come back to you can talk to him some more about how `things ought to be?'

 

You were mentioning earlier to another poster in your own thread about how challenging it was to enact all these strategies, I think you called it. I hope you know a happy, healthy relationship does not require any strategy. It just evolves into two willing mature, available adults with good will to show up an participate.

 

That's what I think.

[lostlove76]

ooo. . you are much nicer than I am.

One click on a dating website is death knoll for me. Besides he probably knows you know.

Therefore he knows it hurts you.

He loves you?

Are these actions of a loving man?

 

Sure he talks good game but his actions are unbearable.

You don't think he heard you the first time, second or third and somehow if you say in another way, a different language or stand on your head he'll suddenly get it? He knows exactly what you want. I don't know either of you but I'll bet my paycheck he does.

 

He also knows how far he can push you because you've proven to him over and over and you even go as far as to reinforce his bad behavior and he'll come back to you can talk to him some more about how `things ought to be?'

 

You were mentioning earlier to another poster in your own thread about how challenging it was to enact all these strategies, I think you called it. I hope you know a happy, healthy relationship does not require any strategy. It just evolves into two willing mature, available adults with good will to show up an participate.

 

That's what I think.

 

Perfect words to give me strength, thank you!! Sometimes I am leaning towards dropping him forever, but as you can see, I waffle.

 

"...he probably knows you know. Therefore he knows it hurts you."

Do you think that's why he's getting on it now? To purposely hurt me? Or are you saying he just doesn't care?

"He knows exactly what you want. I don't know either of you but I'll bet my paycheck he does."

This is helpful, because I worry sometimes that he doesn't really know. This sounds so stupid, I know it does, but because he is drunk so much, I wonder how much of our conversations he really remembers.

 

"He also knows how far he can push because you've proven to him over and over and you even go as far as to reinforce his bad behavior and he'll come back to you can talk to him some more about how `things ought to be?'"

Hopefully I have quit doing this. The last time he went MIA was 2-3 weeks ago, and since then, I've talked to him a couple times about how it makes me feel (er, fussed at him), but most of the time I just didn't answer the phone. I have about 50 missed calls from him during the past couple weeks that I refused to answer. So he didn't get the reward this time. And I did text that I don't want to have those kind of conversations anymore. And I don't.

 

"I hope you know a happy, healthy relationship does not require any strategy. It just evolves into two willing mature, available adults with good will to show up an participate."

Good point. I honestly don't even know what *normal* is anymore. I've been in this for almost two years with him, and I've just adjusted to the unhealthy aspects of it to the point that I've lost all perspective.

[reinventmyself]

Hold on . . I made a mess . . lol

[reinventmyself]

Perfect words to give me strength, thank you!! Sometimes I am leaning towards dropping him forever, but as you can see, I waffle.

 

"...he probably knows you know. Therefore he knows it hurts you."

Do you think that's why he's getting on it now? To purposely hurt me? Or are you saying he just doesn't care?

You've called him out on this more than once. Surely he knows you're checking. Therefore I can safely say he knows it hurts you.

That's enough, right?

"He knows exactly what you want. I don't know either of you but I'll bet my paycheck he does."

This is helpful, because I worry sometimes that he doesn't really know. This sounds so stupid, I know it does, but because he is drunk so much, I wonder how much of our conversations he really remembers.

Ok. .reread what you just wrote. He's too drunk to remember a vital, possible deal breaking conversation with his girlfriend?

Surely that in itself is enough isn't it?

 

 

"He also knows how far he can push because you've proven to him over and over and you even go as far as to reinforce his bad behavior and he'll come back to you can talk to him some more about how `things ought to be?'"

Hopefully I have quit doing this. The last time he went MIA was 2-3 weeks ago, and since then, I've talked to him a couple times about how it makes me feel (er, fussed at him), but most of the time I just didn't answer the phone. I have about 50 missed calls from him during the past couple weeks that I refused to answer. So he didn't get the reward this time. And I did text that I don't want to have those kind of conversations anymore. And I don't.

But if you what said earlier is so, you are actively rehearsing your next, `how it ought to be talk' So it's the same thing, different day

"I hope you know a happy, healthy relationship does not require any strategy. It just evolves into two willing mature, available adults with good will to show up an participate."

Good point. I honestly don't even know what *normal* is anymore. I've been in this for almost two years with him, and I've just adjusted to the unhealthy aspects of it to the point that I've lost all perspective.

So maybe, just maybe, this is a good enough time to get off the crazy train . .for good

ok. .it's not that much better of edit but it will have to do!

[lostlove76]

One more thing, because like I've said, my mind just goes into overdrive with these thoughts. You don't even have to respond if you're getting tired of it. I probably wear people out with this stuff, and you're so nice and I don't want to do that to you (or anyone else here)!!! So I'll just think out loud for a minute, so that I can get the thought out of my head and onto paper, so to speak.

 

My fear is that both he and I really want each other but we're pushing each other away and throwing away the love just because of both our issues. Just because we have issues doesn't mean the love isn't there. That's what I have a hard time with. I really do believe he loves me. He's said the words, in various ways, a million times over, and there have been actions that prove it as well (even just simply the fact that he's still here, after all of this. He's in a new place far away - he could have dropped me and moved on to the next, but he's still calling and saying he loves me.).

 

I guess I compare it to myself. I know how my heart feels about him, but if he were on this thread instead of me, telling of all my less-than-loving actions, it wouldn't sound like I love him. I NEVER initiate phone calls. I say really mean things and call him selfish (all while I'm upset, and all in relation to his behaviors towards me, but still). I keep breaking up with him and telling him I'll never talk to him again. I have started refusing to answer his phone calls in the past couple of months, even when he's trying for two hours straight. None of that is very loving, and from the outside, it would appear that I don't care much for him at all.

 

I hope it makes sense what I'm saying. Just because someone acts in an unloving way doesn't mean they don't love you, and I myself am proof of that. So I just have a hard time with breaking something off completely when the love is there. It just seems like, with love, we could eventually get it right. But I'm sure it takes two people who are self-aware and willing to do the work, huh.

 

ETA:

I was typing this while you were typing yours, sorry. I'll go read what you wrote

[reinventmyself]

You make a valid point.

But it shouldn't be this hard, honestly.

You say after all this time he's still here? By who's definition?

I say signing onto a dating website as `dead and gone'

 

Yes. . if two willing people are working towards the same thing it has a chance. But I am not seeing where he has changed.

 

And no he doesn't get a gold star for deleting someone on facebook. I mean real - meaningful - changes.

That and the distance and the drinking. This just feels insurmountable to me.

But this isn't my life. This is your choice.

What I wish for you is that you believed you deserved much, much better.

 

I've enjoyed chatting. . I see a lot of myself in you when I was your age.

I put up with a lot of things I never, ever should of. . until I knew better.

Gotta go. .freeway is calling me!

[reinventmyself]

just seems like, with love, we could eventually get it right. But I'm sure it takes two people who are self-aware and willing to do the work, huh.

 

P.S. . That's the dreamer in you thinking. You can't love someone into being a healthy available partner. You can't love him enough to change him. It just doesn't work that way. ((hugs))

You are becoming self aware and my guess, especially with the alcohol he'll fall behind and stay where he's at.

[lostlove76]

The edit was good! Haha. All very clear I'm on my phone again and too hard to quote, so will just reply. Time to get off the crazy train. That's exactly what it is, completely crazy-making. I give myself, and others, a headache with all of this. It shouldn't be this hard.

 

I don't know that I'm ready to give him up completely. I guess I'm not, since I'm still trying to figure it all out. But I guess I need to work towards just letting go. Everyone seems to agree that it's not going to work (EVERYONE - all of you here, my parents and friends). I don't know how to find acceptance in that. I love him SO much, and there is enough good that I stubbornly want to hang on in the hopes of things one day getting better. But there's bound to be a point when he gives up, himself, and doesn't come back. I guess it's time to let it go I can see how I'm waffling even in this one paragraph. Maybe time and NC is what it's going to take. I really don't know

[lostlove76]

Thanks so much for the chat!! And for not getting fed up with me! Drive safely home, and have a good evening

[lostlove76]

UPDATE:

 

Okay, so here's an update. I figure that people like to know what's going on along the way, because they compare it to their own situations. I myself always look for updates on other threads, and I'm disappointed when there's nothing to show how things worked out! So I'll try to do this when there's anything of note to tell.

 

He called, and I answered. I figured he didn't wait very long after my last text, so I wanted to know what he had to say. He kept saying he's sorry and that he loves me. The reason he got on the dating site the past couple days is because he thought, "screw it, she doesn't want to talk to me" (because I was so mad last time we talked). But then he gave in and called. I was guarded, but I eventually said that I do want to fix this. I said will you quit getting on the dating sites, and he said absolutely he will quit (and he did quit last time I brought it up, ya know, and only got back on because he thought I wasn't going to talk to him anymore). Like always when we talk, he went on and on about how much he loves me. And I do believe him. I know how long it took for him to be so open with me about his feelings, and his ex had said (we talked a few times in the past) that they never talked about their feelings with each other and it just about killed her. They were together on and off for 3 years. So I know he doesn't just say this stuff casually or manipulatively without meaning it. The love is there, without a doubt. Which still leaves these other issues.

 

I'm wondering if I'm not contributing to the problems in a big way. Reinventmyself, you got me thinking earlier about it before he even called. There are three major issues:

 

1) Other girls... He said he's not talking to anyone else, promises up and down. I've explained to him why I get insecure about it - because of the way he's been in the past, because of the dating sites, and because my imagination runs wild during the times he's not calling. I can't do anything about the first two, but my imagination and paranoia are all on me.

2) Him not coming to get me to move there. If I'm being honest, I myself am scared to death to actually make such a big move. It's easy to blame him for not coming, because then I don't have to face my own fears about it. And I can't really blame him too much for being hesitant. There are a lot of practical concerns, as well as intimacy fears to be faced.

3) Him going MIA... Just to be clear, what I mean when I say this is that he suddenly stops calling. As I've said, I never initiate. In the past when I've tried to call (and the past was long long ago, because I quit initiating a long time ago), he wouldn't answer or would be cold over text. Since he moved 5+ months ago, there have only been a few times I've initiated, compared to alllll the times he's called. So I don't really KNOW that he wouldn't answer. Out of the few times I've called, he's answered maybe 80% of those times. I stubbornly refuse to call, because I'm scared of rejection, and because it feels so good when he calls first.

 

I asked him just now if he ever goes for days without calling to see if I'll call, and he said yes he does. He's said this in the past, but I never know if it's an excuse or the truth. But he says he does do this, that he waits me out and I never call. He said he would appreciate it if I would call sometimes. SO, maybe I need to overcome my fear of rejection and just reach out if I haven't heard from him. I've read tons of threads where guys are saying that it bothers them that they always have to initiate, so they'll wait a few days to see if the girl will call. And I know there was a short period of time in the beginning when I did all the initiating with him, and it bothered me tremendously. I let it go on for a while and then I just stopped initiating, and once he started calling, I never initiated again (except for a few times here and there).

 

Just thinking out loud again I guess, trying to work through it all. I guess I'll give it ONE more try (I know, I know), and see if we can make it work. I asked him if he thinks that my issues are causing equal problems or if it's all him and his issues, and he said it's probably all him that keeps messing things up. But he's not as introspective as I am, being a guy and all. I think maybe I am contributing a lot to the problems as well, if I look at it objectively.

 

So my plan is to give this one more chance. In the meantime, I need to do some work on myself. Fill my time so that I'm not obsessing and imagining things. Reach out if he stops - at least try to call, and then I'll know. Read Codependent No More by Melody Beattie, which I already have a copy of. Work on bettering my self-esteem by getting more exercise, etc. And I guess we'll see. Would love any unbiased input if anyone is willing, but I understand if it all seems a lost cause and no one wants to say anything else. I'll update if anything else happens, or if I need to work through my messy thoughts (hope that's okay).

[reinventmyself]

As I read your post I see you are taking the blame for everything.

If I recall you stop calling him for a reason. You would call and he didn't answer and pull away further. So there's a reason for what you stopped.

But go ahead and call him. See if there is a difference. At least you'll have your answer and won't doubt yourself any more. He may have changed but you won't know until you try. Right?

 

You may very well have natural concerns about moving, but it doesn't negate that he made an offer and hasn't acted on it.

He says he's not talking to other girls, but what would be the purpose of online dating is this was the case. Where the is smoke there is typically fire.

It makes me sad that you label yourself paranoid because his actions are in direct correlation to causing you to feel insecure. But somehow this is a mysterious character flaw of yours?

 

But you know what? . .change things up. If you are going to try again you should at least get your monies worth, right?

Get clear on what you want, come up with a plan.

Ask for what you need and deserve; consistency, intimacy and a future.

He'll either come through or show you he's absolutely not able.

No more questions. No more doubts.

Be brave and prepare to act on it.

So if he's not the guy for you wouldn't it be better to know for certain now, rather than another year of this?

[lostlove76]

Thanks so much for the feedback! I was embarrassed that I wrote so much.

 

As I read your post I see you are taking the blame for everything.

This is my problem. I either blame him for everything, and he's a selfish jerk who doesn't care about me. Or I blame myself for everything, and I'm a paranoid insecure mess. At times, I become aware that I'm doing this, at which point I try to look for a more mixed perspective. My mind is really my own worst enemy.

He himself takes full blame for the problems. He's always apologizing and saying he's an idiot. But I know that my issues contribute.

 

But you know what? . .change things up. If you are going to try again you should at least get your monies worth, right?

Get clear on what you want, come up with a plan.

Ask for what you need and deserve; consistency, intimacy and a future.

He'll either come through or show you he's absolutely not able.

No more questions. No more doubts.

Be brave and prepare to act on it.

So if he's not the guy for you wouldn't it be better to know for certain now, rather than another year of this?

This!!! This is what I need to do. I'm SO scared of rejection, and SO scared of getting hurt, that I become passive (until I get mad and push him away). Or passive-aggressive. Instead of trying to call when he's not calling, I just sit here and fume and let my imagination run wild in the most negative way. I convince myself he doesn't care, and I cry, and assume things are over. Gahhh.

 

If I recall you stop calling him for a reason. You would call and he didn't answer and pull away further. So there's a reason for what you stopped.

But go ahead and call him. See if there is a difference. At least you'll have your answer and won't doubt yourself any more. He may have changed but you won't know until you try. Right?

Right! Correct on all of the above. There was definitely a reason why I quit calling him, but I haven't tried much in a long long time. I just need to be brave and try it. He's asked me a lot why I never call. He seems to want me to call (and said last night he would appreciate it if I did).

 

When I tell him the things I assume when he's not calling, he always says it's not like that at all, and that he thinks I don't know him very well. So maybe I've made a lot of this stuff up in my head. That's why I'm here! Because sometimes I don't know WHAT to think, and I drive myself nuts trying to figure it out. I do need to go to therapy. I keep putting it off. I've been in the past, several times at different points, but none of them were ever willing to discuss my relationship issues; and that's what I need so much help with because it affects my whole life.

 

One thing I will say for him is that he has infinite patience with my questions and insecurities. I feel completely comfortable telling him what's going through my mind, and I know it won't scare him off. He's always loving and reassuring about it, and goes out of his way to emphasize (verbally) how much he loves me and how much I mean to him. I have to give him huge credit for that, because a lot of guys would have run in the other direction long ago. And he keeps trying, even when I'm mad and not answering the phone or if I answer and fuss at him. He always keeps trying to call. And he's willing to initiate practically 100% of the time. I just want to give a balanced view of him, and let it be known that he has just as many amazing qualities as he does the negative qualities. And that's why I love him so much!!

[lostlove76]

I have nagging anxiety and worry ALL the time. Like we just talked last night, but today I'm feeling unsettled and worried that he's going to quit loving me between last night and today. I'm hypersensitive to any little change in tone, suspicious of everything he says, critical in hindsight of the things I said or didn't say. I've always been like this, with everyone. It's not him, it's me. I guess I have a fear that love is fickle and can be turned off at any time. I wonder if I need to focus less on his actions, and more on how to keep my anxiety under control. Every time I think things are over with him, he calls just as loving as ever. (I'm not saying he doesn't have faults; he clearly does.)

[lostlove76]

Hi. Here I am again. This is going to sound so stupid, but I'm fretting and would love some input so here it is...

 

We last talked night before last, as detailed in the previous posts. Our pattern has always been to talk every other night. I don't even know how that pattern got set, but it's pretty set in stone that he calls every other night unless we're in a period of not talking for days.

 

So tonight would normally be a night he calls, a few hours from now. But I'm worried that I should be calling him, since he told me it would be nice if I were the one to call sometimes. I know I said I was going to be brave, but I'm scared to call because of all the times in the past when it didn't work out so well. I would SO much rather him call! If I call, I'll be feeling awkward and insecure, I think.

 

So is it okay to NOT call and just hope that he does? If he doesn't, is it going to destroy the progress we made the other night in wanting to work things out?

[boltnrun]

Wow, what a horrible way to conduct a relationship. You are so, so terrified of losing him (again).

 

To me, fear should never be a part of a love relationship.

[lostlove76]

You're right. You're so so so so right. I've always been fearful, not just with him. It sucks. I guess we all have issues, and this is one of mine. Anxiety rules my life.

[boltnrun]

I didn't read the entire thread, so I apologize. Are you in therapy and/or on medication to manage your anxiety?

 

I used to have a big problem with anxiety, but most of it went away when my relationship with a guy who would never quite commit to me ended.

 

I used to think the only thing that would make me feel better was to get back together with him whenever we'd have problems. But I realized HE was the one causing my anxiety, and getting back with him was making it worse. Once he was out of my life, it was amazing how much better I felt.

 

That's the origin of my signature...the cause of the pain is NEVER the cure for the pain.

 

And if you already have anxiety, staying in a relationship with a guy like that is only going to make it worse.

[lostlove76]

Thank you for writing, and it's okay... it's a long thread! I'm kind of embarassed by some of it because I wrote too much.

 

I'm not currently in therapy or on medication, but I've done both in the past. The meds helped, but the therapy never really did. I guess I've never found the right fit with a therapist.

 

What you're saying about your experience makes so much sense. He does cause A LOT of added anxiety in my life. When things are good with us, I feel happy. But it's so on and off that my emotions are a complete rollercoaster. If we go too long without talking, I'm a mess. We'll talk one night, the next day I'm happy and fine, and the day after that I start getting anxious/worried about whether we'll talk again that night. He says that the days we don't talk doesn't mean he doesn't love me. And when we do talk again, his feelings are always just the same. But I can't handle the space in between. It makes me feel disconnected and unsettled.