annie24 Posted April 10, 2016 Share Posted April 10, 2016 If you had an employee who didn't show up to work for 6 months - wouldn't you fire them? even if they kept insisting this job was important to them? So where the hell are they?? And why would it take you 6 months to get to that point? Link to comment
lostlove76 Posted April 10, 2016 Author Share Posted April 10, 2016 Annie: Good point. Maybe I'm a pushover. If they came at me with a sob story and promises to do better, I would probably have a hard time firing them to be honest. With a job, though, at least there isn't the emotional connection and love bond. But point taken. Link to comment
annie24 Posted April 10, 2016 Share Posted April 10, 2016 Annie: Good point. Maybe I'm a pushover. If they came at me with a sob story and promises to do better, I would probably have a hard time firing them to be honest. With a job, though, at least there isn't the emotional connection and love bond. But point taken. I read some stuff by Evan Marc Katz and he had a good email not too long ago. It was about "being the CEO of your love life." Thinking of yourself as the CEO, and you're interviewing candidates for the coveted position of your partner. If he's not up to par, cut him off and start interviewing someone new. So I really don't see how this guy is satisfying you in any way (definitely not physically or emotionally!) So why are you messing around with him? Cut him off, find a guy who can see you consistently. Link to comment
lostlove76 Posted April 10, 2016 Author Share Posted April 10, 2016 Annie: But she LOVES him! Why be condescending? If you want to bow out then bow out. I'm not forcing you to stay here. I already feel low enough, and being patronizing does not help. I'm sorry that I'm all kinds of messed up and frustrating to everyone. That is not my intention. Thanks for making me feel worse. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted April 10, 2016 Share Posted April 10, 2016 That wasn't my intention. I apologize. What I meant is that statement is very, very hard to argue with. Link to comment
lostlove76 Posted April 10, 2016 Author Share Posted April 10, 2016 I read some stuff by Evan Marc Katz and he had a good email not too long ago. It was about "being the CEO of your love life." Thinking of yourself as the CEO, and you're interviewing candidates for the coveted position of your partner. If he's not up to par, cut him off and start interviewing someone new. So I really don't see how this guy is satisfying you in any way (definitely not physically or emotionally!) So why are you messing around with him? Cut him off, find a guy who can see you consistently. Thank you for being kind and caring. I've read a lot of his stuff... he has good advice. I don't think I've read that one. That's a good way to look at it. Link to comment
lostlove76 Posted April 10, 2016 Author Share Posted April 10, 2016 That wasn't my intention. I apologize. What I meant is that statement is very, very hard to argue with. Thanks. I'm just having a really hard time right now, and now crying. I feel embarrassed that I'm this way, and that I keep running this into the ground. It hurts my feelings that people are stating they're bowing out, as if I'm hopeless. I get it, I really do. I'm just feeling sensitive to everything right now. Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted April 10, 2016 Share Posted April 10, 2016 Why be condescending? If you want to bow out then bow out. I'm not forcing you to stay here. I already feel low enough, and being patronizing does not help. I'm sorry that I'm all kinds of messed up and frustrating to everyone. That is not my intention. Thanks for making me feel worse.I have to stop reading now because I've said I'll bow out but when you say victim-like statements like that one when you are not a victim, when you come to a open forum to discuss your issues then you will get to hear stuff you don't like. Try professional help. You'll get further in your own growth and emotional maturity plus it will help with your general anxiety far more then anything you'll get here. No one is saying it will be easy but if you love yourself, you'll do the work you need to do to get over your addiction to this dysfunctional situation you find yourself stagnated in. Link to comment
Hermes Posted April 10, 2016 Share Posted April 10, 2016 OK I'll bite. Listen LL. If you think you are feeling bad now, believe me you will feel a whole lot worse down the line if you continue in this "relationship". I promise you. Have a read of this: "In the context of alcoholism, an enabling relationship is one that makes it easier for the person with the addiction to continue in their destructive lifestyle. In most cases, enablers are well-intentioned and believe that their actions are beneficial to the alcoholic. However, the opposite is usually the case. Without enablers in their lives, alcoholics typically descend much faster into the chaos and pain that their destructive lifestyle engenders. The enabler wants to protect the alcoholic from the pain of this descent, so they spend much of their energy trying to offset the potential damage. The reverse side of this dilemma is that any alcoholic who is protected from the ramifications of their drinking problem will be less motivated to seek rehabilitation. For the enabler, the thought of letting the person they care about hurt themselves is too much to endure. What they do not realize is that their acts of kindness and protection may actually contribute to deepening the alcoholic’s addiction. Only by stepping back from this toxic relationship can the enabler hope to recover their sense of self, and truly help the alcoholic they care about." Please note the words "sense of self". Link to comment
boltnrun Posted April 10, 2016 Share Posted April 10, 2016 The reason I am choosing to bow out (after this post) is, for every point people make you respond with "I love him". You accept his addiction because you love him. You accept his inconsistent contact because you love him. You accept that he says he's going to come get you but never does because you love him. You accept that he has a history of cheating and lying about going on dating sites because you love him. You accept that your relationship him exacerbates your anxiety because you love him. There's just no way to argue with that. If you're willing to accept all of that because you love him, there's really nothing else to say. Link to comment
lostlove76 Posted April 10, 2016 Author Share Posted April 10, 2016 Hermes: Thank you for that information, I appreciate it. I will read that whole article as well. boltnrun: I do understand. I'm just just feeling low and sensitive and almost like I'm losing friends, although I know that isn't how this is. It's just a feeling. I get why you are bowing out, thank you for explaining. I've honestly exhausted my own self with all of this as much as I've exhausted you all. I really am embarrassed. I hope to god no one I know, especially him, ever comes across this thread. I would be mortified. I see that it is unhealthy. I see that I am making excuses and defending him. I see all of this. I just get stuck in a loop of wanting so much to make it work, because as you said, I love him. Heart versus mind, I guess... my heart wants him because I love him, my mind knows what this is doing to me. Hence the struggle, and the loop-like thinking and conversations. I'm sure I'm not the first person to go through this - perhaps I just verbalize (type) my every single thought and I reply to everything you guys say, so it goes on and on. Link to comment
Capricorn3 Posted April 11, 2016 Share Posted April 11, 2016 Thread has run its course. Link to comment
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