Broke up with commitment-phobe (again)... Did I do the right thing?

[Hollyj]

Stop trying to change him. This is who is is. He will not change!

 

He knows your pain. You have told him a million times. He is not a child. When will you understand that this is who he is!!!

 

Get yourself together. Then you can meet someone that does not make you miserable the entirety of the relationship.

 

If he really loved and missed you, he would not be doing these things. When are you going to start to look at his actions , only. Talk is cheap.

 

Stop making excuses and face the reality of this situation!

[lostlove76]

Stop trying to change him. This is who is is. He will not change!

 

He knows your pain. You have told him a million times. He is not a child. When will you understand that this is who he is!!!

 

I hate to be annoying and ask these questions, but...

 

Do you think there's anything I could have done, or could do, to steer this thing in a different direction? Been more/less accepting of his behaviors? Been more/less available? Been more assertive (I let him initiate everything)? You're right he's not a child, but emotionally he is like one. He's very immature in a lot of ways. I don't mind, because it's cute and charming. I guess I just want to know that I've done everything I can possibly do before I give up on him. Sometimes people do change, when they face the loss of someone important to them, or when the other person changes the way they relate to them, or when the dynamics of the relationship shift.

 

I do understand that, regardless, I need to get my own self together. I appreciate the nudge in that direction. I do hear you on that. Thank you.

[Hollyj]

Yes!!! You should of left long ago!

 

Stop making excuses for him. Stop prolonging this. Why the hell you want someone who has, and continues to screw you around, is beyond me. This is super unhealthy, and I do not understand why you do not expect more for yourself!!!!

 

It's cute and charming when he blows you off. Really!!!

 

You have broken up with him numerous times. Has it changed? And why do you need that type of person anyway . I do not understand and why you are incapable of accepting him for who he is?

 

Why do you think you need to do more work? You sound like a parent. I strongly urge you to look into co dependency. As you fit the bill.

 

I can't respond anymore, as you continue to ask the same thing, over and over, and are refusing to accept what is staring you in the face. Good luck!

[Simburger]

Dear Lostlove,

 

I'm in the exact situation as you are right now.

Before oyr last break up, he offered therapy. We found a nice therapist and started BUT, this alao requires a commitment and he did not show up in our last session.

I'm hopeless too. Googling the web, trying to find a success story. But cannot find one, which makes me even more desperate.

2 days ago I was at his place. We watched a famous movie about commitment phobia. (With his whiskey of course! He's an alcoholic too. His brain is different. They need to think&plan too much. They cannot live with emotions. And alcohol helps him I guess)

By the end of the movie he said "I don't want to end up like him, please don't leave me, I need you with me in this house".

The movie is called "alone". A turkish movie. I'm turkish by the way..

A 44 year old little boy was crying in my arms. He was real, unguarded.

Next day, he was gone again dinner with some people (he says it's business dinner but who knows)

I cannot get out of bed. One part of me wants to fight, make him aware, be there for him.

Other part (reason) tells me to leave. But it's very hard for me. I'm not co-dependent. But a daughter of a divorced family; thus when I feel the connection, it becomes very hard for me to quit. I'm working on myself to get stronger, even if the relationship continues.

You can contact me directly - if possible on this website. I'd like to email, or whats app with you. Maybe we can support each other?

[reinventmyself]

Let this be a life lesson for you.

When ever you catch yourself waiting for someone to be some one they are fundamental not, then it's your queue to bail.

He is showing you who he is. You are waiting for who he's not.

Yes, he's able to give you glimpses of some wonderful guy (tho drinking) in short spurts but he clearly doesn't have capability nor the sustainability to be that person you need him to be consistently. . period.

This is who is his. Good, bad and otherwise. Stop asking yourself what you could have done differently to change who is or the outcome.

Ted Bundy was charming when he wanted to be.

 

You either except that you get a part time boyfriend and accept the other times that he leaves you hanging, goes MIA, doesn't follow through, creates anxiety, signs on to dating profiles and wont give you straight answers about his intentions. Or you bail.

 

Let it be a life lesson that when involved with someone that gives you anxiety. . it's that anxiety that's your built in accountability screaming at you that you are going down the wrong path.

 

My ex bf had two sides. One I was madly in love with and we were the proverbial `soul mates'. But the other side of him wasn't so pretty.

I spend 3 years wrestling with trying compartmentalize the good `B' and trying to pretend the bad 'B' didn't exist. Until it wore me down and I woke up. I still miss good B. But he's a package deal and I couldn't play pretend any longer. Looking back, I should have left sooner. Lesson learned.

[lostlove76]

Dear Lostlove,

 

I'm in the exact situation as you are right now.

Before oyr last break up, he offered therapy. We found a nice therapist and started BUT, this alao requires a commitment and he did not show up in our last session.

I'm hopeless too. Googling the web, trying to find a success story. But cannot find one, which makes me even more desperate.

2 days ago I was at his place. We watched a famous movie about commitment phobia. (With his whiskey of course! He's an alcoholic too. His brain is different. They need to think&plan too much. They cannot live with emotions. And alcohol helps him I guess)

By the end of the movie he said "I don't want to end up like him, please don't leave me, I need you with me in this house".

The movie is called "alone". A turkish movie. I'm turkish by the way..

A 44 year old little boy was crying in my arms. He was real, unguarded.

Next day, he was gone again dinner with some people (he says it's business dinner but who knows)

I cannot get out of bed. One part of me wants to fight, make him aware, be there for him.

Other part (reason) tells me to leave. But it's very hard for me. I'm not co-dependent. But a daughter of a divorced family; thus when I feel the connection, it becomes very hard for me to quit. I'm working on myself to get stronger, even if the relationship continues.

You can contact me directly - if possible on this website. I'd like to email, or whats app with you. Maybe we can support each other?

 

Hi Sim! It does sound like we are in similiar situations. I'm so sorry that you're going through this, too. The pain it brings is unbearable, isn't it? Like you, I've seen mine cry, and it melted me. To know that these guarded men drop their defenses around us means the world. The only problem is that they won't fully commit and be all there with us all the time Will they ever reach that point? That's what kept me hanging on. I'm like you in that sometimes I want to fight for him and make him aware, but I stopped doing that long ago. I got to the point where I won't even initiate a phone call, and at the slightest sign of him pulling away, I react by pushing him even further away. That's what I did this time. He was trying really hard just to talk, even willing to listen to me b*tch at him just so he could hear my voice. But I just wasn't having it. I was SO mean, and I'm feeling really guilty about it. You sound sweeter than I am. I've built up a lot of resentment and lost my patience. But like you, when I feel a connection I never truly quit. He's on my mind, even though I pushed him away, and I'm STILL googling the heck out everything, looking for success stories.

 

You sound sad, and I know how that feels, trust me. Anger somewhat helps push the sadness away... being mad at what he's done to you and how much he's hurt you. But I wouldn't necessarily recommend it, because then you just add guilt on top of the hurt. We can definitely support each other. ***BIG HUGS*** Try to be strong!!! I know it's hard.

 

I will tell you that one thing I learned long ago was to let him come to me. I never ever chase after him. He ALWAYS comes back around, although sometimes not as soon as I would like. But chasing them just pushes them further away. It has to be their idea. Which is a crappy way to live, always waiting like that. But you might try it, if you've noticed a pattern of him retreating further when you try to fight for him. He's the one who has chosen to leave, so make him be the one who does the work to come back. You sound really sweet, and I hope he gets his act together before he loses you!

[reinventmyself]

 

I will tell you that one thing I learned long ago was to let him come to me. I never ever chase after him. He ALWAYS comes back around, although sometimes not as soon as I would like. But chasing them just pushes them further away. It has to be their idea. Which is a crappy way to live, always waiting like that. But you might try it, if you've noticed a pattern of him retreating further when you try to fight for him. He's the one who has chosen to leave, so make him be the one who does the work to come back. You sound really sweet, and I hope he gets his act together before he loses you!

 

No, no, no

You are only reinforcing and rewarding bad behavior.

They do this because it benefits them. And you play into it.

 

They aren't injured animals and if they were they aren't relationship material.

There is nothing loving or equitable in this scenario.

[lostlove76]

Let this be a life lesson for you.

When ever you catch yourself waiting for someone to be some one they are fundamental not, then it's your queue to bail.

He is showing you who he is. You are waiting for who he's not.

Yes, he's able to give you glimpses of some wonderful guy (tho drinking) in short spurts but he clearly doesn't have capability nor the sustainability to be that person you need him to be consistently. . period.

This is who is his. Good, bad and otherwise. Stop asking yourself what you could have done differently to change who is or the outcome.

Ted Bundy was charming when he wanted to be.

 

You either except that you get a part time boyfriend and accept the other times that he leaves you hanging, goes MIA, doesn't follow through, creates anxiety, signs on to dating profiles and wont give you straight answers about his intentions. Or you bail.

 

Let it be a life lesson that when involved with someone that gives you anxiety. . it's that anxiety that's your built in accountability screaming at you that you are going down the wrong path.

 

My ex bf had two sides. One I was madly in love with and we were the proverbial `soul mates'. But the other side of him wasn't so pretty.

I spend 3 years wrestling with trying compartmentalize the good `B' and trying to pretend the bad 'B' didn't exist. Until it wore me down and I woke up. I still miss good B. But he's a package deal and I couldn't play pretend any longer. Looking back, I should have left sooner. Lesson learned.

 

Hi, thank you so much for your wise thoughts. It really hits home, especially the parts about there being two sides. That's exactly how it is with mine. "Part time boyfriend" is EXACTLY what he is. And it sucks It's called intermittent reinforcement (something I came across during my countless hours of googling - sad, I know)... it's what keeps us hooked. This is most definitely a life lesson, and once I get over him, I hope that I will never ever allow myself into this kind of situation again. I need to remember what you said about the anxiety screaming that something is wrong.

 

Quick update of sorts...

I sent him a text night before last (the day after we last talked) and said that I didn't want to have any more conversations like that again (the kind where I just fuss at him for two hours about how crappy he is). And to let me know if and when he's ready to take things more seriously, but that it's best if we don't talk until then. Soooo what does he do with that? He immediately starts getting on the dating site again. He had stayed completely off it since I told him I knew about it weeks ago. Now after my text, he's suddenly back on it. I don't know what about that particular text triggered it, but I guess he's decided to move on (whereas before, he was calling and calling and calling, and I was sending him angry texts in response and not answering the phone). I guess I sounded more serious this time? Or maybe it sounded too much like an ultimatum. I don't know. ALL I want is for him to be the good guy with me, all the time. But you guys are saying that this is just who he is, the good and the bad, and that he won't change. I'm going to have to somehow accept that and try to let him go in my heart. It's a process.

[reinventmyself]

If telling him to contact you when he can be minimally decent and reciprocate in an equitable relationship that works for both of you and not just him sends him running to dating website, then wish the next lady good luck and close this door once and for all.

[lostlove76]

No, no, no

You are only reinforcing and rewarding bad behavior.

They do this because it benefits them. And you play into it.

 

They aren't injured animals and if they were they aren't relationship material.

There is nothing loving or equitable in this scenario.

 

Hmmm. I thought that not chasing after him made it so that I wasn't rewarding and reinforcing bad behavior. I guess taking him back is what rewards it? Ugh, it shouldn't be this hard, should it. Always having to use "strategies" to try to make the situation better. I always fussed at him when he came back, but I guess that's still a reward because he got to see how upset him disappearance made me, which probably builds his ego and proves I care. Then I would eventually soften at his sweet talk, and we'd go back to normal.

 

Well, THIS time, I did fuss but I haven't softened. He didn't call for a week, and I wasn't all here when he came back. He called and called, I finally answered and fussed at him, but I never softened. I've stayed mad and cold. So I guess it finally, for once, didn't work for him. That's not my intention, necessarily... I'm just finally somewhat strong enough to know I need to do the healthy thing for myself and walk away.

 

I left the door open for him to come back with my final text, but that doesn't mean I'll take him back. Just gives me time to think and gather strength. It'll probably be a few weeks before I hear from him again.

[lostlove76]

If telling him to contact you when he can be minimally decent and reciprocate in an equitable relationship that works for both of you and not just him sends him running to dating website, then wish the next lady good luck and close this door once and for all.

 

I know, right? It hurts. Hopefully I'll use this as even more strength not to take him back next time, knowing that he did this.

 

Question for you... why do you think he does the back and forth? Is it pure selfishness?

[reinventmyself]

People with intimacy and commitment issues often create drama intentionally so they can distance themselves.

You might notice the moment things start to feel good for you is the time he starts to act up.

 

This seems to be a pattern with you two. My guess is he does this intentionally when you get too close. You haven't done anything wrong and couples should strive to be close. But when you cross that imaginary line for him he stirs things up . .he gets his relief by being away from you. After which time he calms down and fears you might not be there when he's ready he starts all over again. He wants you back at limited capacity on terms that work for him.

 

This is no way to live and it isn't going to change.

 

He isn't going to wake up tomorrow and be able tolerate any more intimacy, proximity or closeness then he's been able to up til now.

The distancing and drinking all forms of escape.

Him taking a job several hours away and not coming to get you is not much of a surprise either.

It's time to look at the big picture and the commonality of all this issues.

They are all tied to space and distance and intimacy.

 

He's just not relationship material.

[lostlove76]

People with intimacy and commitment issue often create drama intentionally so they can distance themselves.

This seems to be a pattern with you two. My guess is he does this intentionally when you get too close. You haven't done anything wrong and couples should strive to be close. But when you cross that imaginary line for him he stirs things up . .he gets his relief by being away from you. After which time he calms down and fears you might not be there when he's ready he starts all over again.

This is no way to live and it isn't going to change.

He isn't going to wake up tomorrow and be able tolerate any more intimacy, proximity or closeness then he's been able to up til now.

The distancing and drinking all forms of escape.

He's just not relationship material.

 

I think this is right on target, THANK YOU. It's hard for me to accept that he can't/won't change. I don't understand why he would still need to do this after a year and a half. Why the closeness would trigger discomfort in him, still. He says I'm his best friend, and I believe it; he doesn't keep in consistent contact with anyone else at all. He's told me before that it scares him to be too close. Just don't see why it still would, after all this time, and after all we've shared.

 

I can kind of sort of almost understand how he feels, because I've felt this way before as well. And I've created distance in all of my relationships as well, often when things got too close. Ugh. Two messed up people trying to love each other - I guess it just doesn't work

[reinventmyself]

And the intermittent reinforcement is a good analogy.

Read that some time ago and I can catch the dynamic and when I am in middle of acting on it.

It's a powerful awareness!

[reinventmyself]

I think this is right on target, THANK YOU. It's hard for me to accept that he can't/won't change. I don't understand why he would still need to do this after a year and a half. Why the closeness would trigger discomfort in him, still. He says I'm his best friend, and I believe it; he doesn't keep in consistent contact with anyone else at all. He's told me before that it scares him to be too close. Just don't see why it still would, after all this time, and after all we've shared.

 

I can kind of sort of almost understand how he feels, because I've felt this way before as well. And I've created distance in all of my relationships as well, often when things got too close. Ugh. Two messed up people trying to love each other - I guess it just doesn't work

 

You too have intimacy issues. Not only because of what you shared but because people who have healthy intimacy needs are not attracted to those who don't. Water seeks it's own level.

(I have all these sayings. . ha ha) ~we are only as healthy as the company we keep~

 

As Dr Phil would say. `people only do things that work for them' We've picked your guy apart but your challenge is to address why on earth this worked for you for so long. If you didn't get something out of it you would have bailed a long time ago.

[reinventmyself]

You too have intimacy issues. .

 

I might be qualified to say this because I do too

[lostlove76]

More food for thought, thanks so much. And I love the sayings

 

I was just sitting here thinking about my own distancing techniques. I do it too. I always find something to get mad about and use it to break up. With him, I'm always looking for evidence of cheating in the hopes that I can use it for strength to walk away for good. I do it so as to put a stop to all the hurt I'm feeling, by eliminating him from my life. But I LOVE him, and don't really want him gone. I just want the hurt to stop. So that is my side of things.

[reinventmyself]

More food for thought, thanks so much. And I love the sayings

 

I was just sitting here thinking about my own distancing techniques. I do it too. I always find something to get mad about and use it to break up. With him, I'm always looking for evidence of cheating in the hopes that I can use it for strength to walk away for good. I do it so as to put a stop to all the hurt I'm feeling, by eliminating him from my life. But I LOVE him, and don't really want him gone. I just want the hurt to stop. So that is my side of things.

 

I'm in my 3rd long distance relationship. Only under 90 min's, but I prefer it that way. But this isn't about me right now.

Just wanted you know I understand

It definitely gives you a lot to consider.

I spent years talking to therapist about it. Thank him for the nifty sayings ;}

[lostlove76]

I might be qualified to say this because I do too

 

I'm in my 3rd long distance relationship. Only under 90 min's, but I prefer it that way. But this isn't about me right now.

Just wanted you know I understand

It's definitely something to consider.

I spent years talking to therapist about it. Thank him for the nifty sayings ;}

 

I just figured out how to quote on my phone. I was on my laptop while quoting before.

 

So you do understand It's frustrating to live with these issues, isn't it.

 

Soooo, I've definitely read that commitment-phobes/those with intimacy issues prefer long distance. Have you yourself chosen LDR's on purpose, or was it subconscious and you've just happened to figure out why you do it? Sometimes I think he moved on purpose to put distance between us, but I know it was for a job. Out of the blue, though, on the phone one night he said "I'm sorry I moved. It wasn't because of you." Which makes me think maybe it was because of me, haha. But if it was, it was subconscious, because I can't see picking up your whole life and moving just to manipulate a relationship into something you're more comfortable with.

[reinventmyself]

I just figured out how to quote on my phone. I was on my laptop while quoting before.

 

So you do understand It's frustrating to live with these issues, isn't it.

 

Soooo, I've definitely read that commitment-phobes/those with intimacy issues prefer long distance. Have you yourself chosen LDR's on purpose, or was it subconscious and you've just happened to figure out why you do it? Sometimes I think he moved on purpose to put distance between us, but I know it was for a job. Out of the blue, though, on the phone one night he said "I'm sorry I moved. It wasn't because of you." Which makes me think maybe it was because of me, haha. But if it was, it was subconscious, because I can't see picking up your whole life and moving just to manipulate a relationship into something you're more comfortable with.

 

Another scenario is that he took the job and moved you out there as promised. But that didn't happen.

Another scenario is he chose you over the job and didn't move, but that didn't happen.

 

A friend of mine dated a guy for 10 years and he promised to marry her. As she grew impatient, you could see him throw road blocks in the way at every turn. He never had the intention of marrying her. He wanted to keep her on his terms. . but in the end he came up with some outrageous idea, that they only way they'd marry is if he moved her 5 states away where he could buy her a house. What a guy, huh? She had 4 teenagers at the time and an ailing mother. Need I say more?

 

Do I pick these guys who live 100 miles away? My therapist might have something to say about that. . but I will deny it and insist these men show up this way. .lol And no, I am not trolling around places far from home either. What can I say? At least I can laugh at myself. I know my friends do.

 

I was married to a fireman for 16 years who was never home either. I have never lived with someone 24/7 outside of my own children of course. Certainly don't think I have the capacity to do so now. I'd sure like to think I could, though.

[reinventmyself]

And I am sure when your guy said he was sorry he moved, he probably meant it.

I am often sorry I am not more tolerant than I am.

I am sorry for my partners that wanted more. But they chose me as well. . and all the 100 miles too.

What does that say about them?

Things are certainly better then before, once I recognized it for what it is. I know I have my limits though.

[lostlove76]

It sounds like you've learned a lot about yourself, and that you're content and comfortable with doing what works for you. If long-distance works for you, that's great! Nothing wrong with that at all I don't want long-distance. I wish I did. I want him here, or me there. I never would have been with him if it had started long-distance. I met him online, but he coincidentally lived practically across the street, which was just perfect. Until he started staying in hotels for jobs in other cities on and off, and then finally moved four hours away.

 

Hypothetical question: If you were deeply in love with someone, with a greater connection than you've ever had, do you think you would eventually be able to tolerate 24/7 same-house closeness? Or is that just something that you will never ever want?

[lostlove76]

OH, and another question, SORRY!! If you need to go, please feel free. I can be an endless asker of questions.

 

Hypothetically, if you were deeply in love as in the above scenario, and it came down to A) losing the person, who wanted more, or B) experiencing some discomfort in order to keep the person, which would you choose? Would you walk away, or try to push through your issues and make it work?

 

If that's too broad a question, don't worry about it. I appreciate you chatting back and forth with me, and giving me more things to think about

[reinventmyself]

 

Hypothetical question: If you were deeply in love with someone, with a greater connection than you've ever had, do you think you would eventually be able to tolerate 24/7 same-house closeness? Or is that just something that you will never ever want?

 

That's a great question! Each time I keep thinking if I were to meet the right guy I could do this, right? Time and maturity has taught me it isn't so much about finding the right guy (even tho it's important) But what's equally or more important is being the right person.

 

I am not sure anymore. My new relationship is 5 mo's new. I would love the idea that this evolves into something great and we grow old together. But what's telling is a couple things. Aside from my last 2 relationships, I had a best friend rent a room for a year. I dreaded going home. She was anxious and miserable to be around but how much of it was her and how much of it was me yearning to come home to my quiet castle?

 

My oldest son lives with me right now. He's the BEST roommate ever. Besides him being my baby and I love him more than life itself (all 6'4" of him) he's fun, easy going, respectful and spends the majority time at his gf's. But why am I surprised when I catch myself rounding the corner to my house after work and honestly hoping the house is empty? What does that tell you?

[reinventmyself]

OH, and another question, SORRY!! If you need to go, please feel free. I can be an endless asker of questions.

 

Hypothetically, if you were deeply in love as in the above scenario, and it came down to A) losing the person, who wanted more, or B) experiencing some discomfort in order to keep the person, which would you choose? Would you walk away, or try to push through your issues and make it work?

 

If that's too broad a question, don't worry about it. I appreciate you chatting back and forth with me, and giving me more things to think about

it's ok. .I am at work but there is absolutely nothing going on.

I would walk. I've walked before.

 

I have a great circle of friends and family. I work long hours and commute so what little spare time I have is precious so it pushes me to be very careful about how I spend it.

 

The hardest thing I ever did was end my marriage. I have often found myself in relationships that don't work. I have that moment where I catch myself thinking `I didn't blow up my marriage to end up here. If so I should have stayed married and my sons would have had a family' It clarifies things very quickly for me.

 

It wasn't always this way. I've stayed too long in the relationships and an unhappy marriage. I've learned to do what it takes to make big girl decisions. A lot of trial and error.