IAmFCA Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 I hear you loud and clear. Break your rule and go out with him again, on the rationalization that he listed his de facto age if not his biological one. Here is my experience: (1) My Gentleman: I think he listed 50 or 52 (I met him a year ago). I learned on NY Day that he is actually 57. This shocked me: out of my age range, a lie on his profile, and nothing at all like his family, his athleticism, looks, or health. I told him sternly it was wrong of him to lie on his profile, and he said "I know." Except for that detail, I have had the most enlightening experience with this man and I am glad for it. Age would have prevented that. (2) One of my life's great relationships was with someone 17 years my senior. I didn't intend for it and it would not have lasted for my lifetime, but it was transformational. If he is what you said, then forgive him and let it go. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 Re Keith: Let him sink or swim on his own. More contact from you will just make it worse. Stay out of the matrix! Link to comment
missmarple Posted January 5, 2014 Author Share Posted January 5, 2014 do you think you'll see him again? I have no idea right now. There are so many thoughts on my mind (Keith included!). I'm thinking that I liked him so, maybe, I could overlook his age. Then, I think that no, I can't get over it. Then, I think that maybe we could be friends. Finally, I think that maybe I should tell him I don't think we're a match because of his age (I can't lie to him, he's extremely perceptive and, besides, I seriously couldn't find any other fault on him) and suggest to introduce him to one of my friends who is closer to his age (she's 54) and loves old rocker style in men..but maybe that would offend him? I don't know, it's a mess. Link to comment
annie24 Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 well, when someone lies on their profile, they can't be shocked when someone turns them down over it. I would find the 14 year gap too much myself. I dunno. You can try another date and see how you feel about things.... and then set him up with your friend, lol. keith needs therapy, not a gf. Link to comment
missmarple Posted January 5, 2014 Author Share Posted January 5, 2014 One of my life's great relationships was with someone 17 years my senior. I didn't intend for it and it would not have lasted for my lifetime, but it was transformational. See, that's a problem, too. I've never been with someone that much older than me. My relationships have always been with men my age or younger (my ex husband was 5 years younger than me)...except a couple times..and even then, we're talking 7-8 years..not 14...and, at the time, I was 19 and 24..not 45. I mean, if right now I was 30 and he was 44, I think I would feel different. But just the thought that next year I could be sleeping with a 60 yo man makes me feel weird. My dad is 70! Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 Agree re Keith. Let him go. Do a little breathing exercise or something and draw that boundary between problems that are his to manage and problems that are yours, and that way you can leave him responsibly with his own and not accept his for your own in any way. Re Don: Annie makes a good suggestion: take another one or two dates and see how you feel. The age may be an insurmountable barrier. Or, you might ask yourself to get over it. Link to comment
missmarple Posted January 5, 2014 Author Share Posted January 5, 2014 About Keith: it's easy to say it's his problem and not mine and I agree BUT how do you go about it? Ok, I won't initiate any more contact but he will text, he will call. What do I do? Tell him I don't want to talk to him again? How do you say that to a person who already sounds depressed? Is there a right way to do it? Ahhhhhh....I've been called harsh so many times in this thread when I'm the exact opposite. Maybe that's why I'm so careful or try to be...because, once I meet someone, it's not easy for me to ignore him..especially when he seems to have problems. I wish I had never sent that hny text to Keith. About Don: Ok, say I go on one more date..won't that make him think that age isn't a factor since I agreed to go on one more date? Link to comment
NorthDallas40 Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 About Keith: it's easy to say it's his problem and not mine and I agree BUT how do you go about it? Ok, I won't initiate any more contact but he will text, he will call. What do I do? Tell him I don't want to talk to him again? How do you say that to a person who already sounds depressed? 1. Next time he contacts you, email/text him "Hey Keith it was nice meeting you, but I recently found someone who is a more compatible match and I wish to pursue that avenue. Good luck in your search!" 2. After that, ignore, ignore, ignore. Link to comment
missmarple Posted January 5, 2014 Author Share Posted January 5, 2014 Thanks, ND, that sounds like a good plan although I'm sure he'll say 'it's ok, we can be friends'. Btw, we're both on the site right now and I IM'ed him (thinking I can try ND's suggestion) but he's not answering. I hope he's ok. Link to comment
NorthDallas40 Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 I IM'ed him Wait, what?? WHY?? If a dog is sleeping, let it lie! I hope he's ok. Haha, I'm sure he's fine. Anyway, who cares? Link to comment
missmarple Posted January 5, 2014 Author Share Posted January 5, 2014 Wait, what?? WHY?? If a dog is sleeping, let it lie! Haha, I'm sure he's fine. Anyway, who cares? Because I'd rather do it before he calls/texts me, now, that I'm prepared. I care if he's ok, ND. I heard him so depressed earlier I can't help worrying. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 He might be on the site or he might just be signed in. Please don't be in contact with Keith-that is unproductive to both of you. I would absolutely not see Don again because he lied (and also because of the age gap that you are uncomfortable with). What a jerk for having you spend time meeting him and thinking he was a different age. Link to comment
missmarple Posted January 5, 2014 Author Share Posted January 5, 2014 He's alive. He was watching TV. I'm telling him what ND said. Link to comment
itsallgrand Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 He might be on the site or he might just be signed in. Please don't be in contact with Keith-that is unproductive to both of you. I would absolutely not see Don again because he lied (and also because of the age gap that you are uncomfortable with). What a jerk for having you spend time meeting him and thinking he was a different age. Agree 100%, Maybe it will help you in not getting sucked into keeping in contact with Keith cause he is 'depressed' by realizing it's simply classic manipulation. Pout, and have someone chase you to make sure you are ok. I remember doing that...at about 18. Link to comment
NorthDallas40 Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 He's alive. He was watching TV. I'm telling him what ND said. Make sure to tell him my "minor league" comment too (just kidding) Link to comment
browneyedgirl36 Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 This is a tough one -- Don SOUNDS like a great guy; for me, the age gap isn't a big deal -- my last ex was 13 years older than I, and the last guy I went on several dates with was 10 years older, so I'm OK with gaps of that size; however, the lying would bother me. I've never used dating sites, but I hear and read story after story of people -- especially women -- feeling duped when they meet a guy from a dating site and he's 5 or 10 years older than what he said on the site. They will often use the excuse that in order to come up in searches of people who they'd want to meet, they "have" to lie, but...seems to me that, if they're being so selective (i.e. a 52 year old man saying he's 47 in order to date younger women than himself who don't want to meet anyone older than 48), they need to be aware that, when a woman finds out that a guy is older than what he said, she's likely going to pass on him -- not just because of the lying, but because he's outside of her comfort zone in terms of age. To me, this is akin to posting pictures of one's self that are 5 or 10 years old -- it's deceptive. So...if it was just about the age difference, I personally would give him another shot, but the lying is an issue, and it would probably be a dealbreaker for me. About Keith -- I would wait until he contacts you again and tell him what ND40 said; while I don't advocate lying, you ARE meeting other men, and one of them very well could turn out to be the right one. Keith sounds like one of those sad sack types who tries to hold others responsible for his happiness -- or lack thereof. He also sounds needy and a bit controlling. He has no right to ask you who you're with! He barely knows you! The good news is, he's flying his red flags very early. If you don't want to tell him you're seeing someone else, you could just tell him, "You seem like a good guy, but I don't see this going anywhere," and leave it at that. Link to comment
missmarple Posted January 5, 2014 Author Share Posted January 5, 2014 I did it. I had a friendly chat with Keith...I told him I've met someone blah blah. He said he knew it. Then he said I want the world to have a good time and some other stuff that didn't make much sense, he whined a bit ('this kind of thing always happens to me') but in the end he said 'I'll find something, too', I said I'm sure and wished him good luck and then we said goodnight. I'm not sure if I should delete him from my list or not. Link to comment
browneyedgirl36 Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 I did it. I had a friendly chat with Keith...I told him I've met someone blah blah. He said he knew it. Then he said I want the world to have a good time and some other stuff that didn't make much sense, he whined a bit ('this kind of thing always happens to me') but in the end he said 'I'll find something, too', I said I'm sure and wished him good luck and then we said goodnight. I'm not sure if I should delete him from my list or not. Whew! Good for you...glad that worked out. I think I'd delete him if it were me, just in case. Often, someone will say, "I totally understand, thanks for being honest," etc. and then come back a few days or weeks later hounding you about what went wrong. Link to comment
missmarple Posted January 5, 2014 Author Share Posted January 5, 2014 I think I'll delete him. Btw, about Don, I'd like to see him again because he's an interesting person...would it be offensive if I told him I'd like to be friends with him but not interested in something more because of his age? Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 I think I'll delete him. Btw, about Don, I'd like to see him again because he's an interesting person...would it be offensive if I told him I'd like to be friends with him but not interested in something more because of his age? Yes, it would be. I would leave him be -you can find other interesting people to have as platonic friends. Simply tell him that you don't think you're a good match (i would not raise the age issue) and that you will leave it up to him if he wants to stay in touch as friends - I wouldn't tell him you affirmatively plan to stay in touch with him and since he lied about his age it's a bad idea to discuss age with him -it will lead to an argument most likely and he will get defensive. Link to comment
missmarple Posted January 5, 2014 Author Share Posted January 5, 2014 Ok, I'll do that...would you say email or text? Or call him? Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 Ok, I'll do that...would you say email or text? Or call him? I would just reply to his text or email but don't contact him first. Link to comment
missmarple Posted January 5, 2014 Author Share Posted January 5, 2014 You mean next time he contacts me to ask for a date or just to ask how I'm doing, to tell him straight out I'm not interested? Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 You mean next time he contacts me to ask for a date or just to ask how I'm doing, to tell him straight out I'm not interested? Right -the next time he contacts you tell him but otherwise don't contact him. Link to comment
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