Online Dating - A Woman's Journal

[Batya33]

I am not surprised Keith behaved as he did-wasn't he the one who said he didn't call because he was afraid of rejection? On to bigger and better things!

[IAmFCA]

On this topic of staying in touch: my Gentleman does NOT stay in touch. He has never expected to get married, and now as he gains years he is pressing himself to be more emotionally available and interested in the influence of someone else in his life. So staying in touch never has been his MO.

 

But he was interested in me this whole year that he has been asking me out, and is interested in me still. So, just making the point that some folks will give you a day or two of NC even when they like you. If that isn't acceptable to you, then it doesn't much matter. But if you like them, and they cause you no downside, then there is no reason to write them off.

 

I am jumping in without having tracked the convo, so please forgive me if I overlooked a key nuance. I normally read all of your posts!

[missmarple]

But even with a lot of the guys you have gone out with, the stories are peppered with all of the things you "let slide." I don't know how it translates in person, but your posts just emit an I'm-always-right vibe -- with many of the guys you date, and very frequently in response to those who respond in this thread. That's all

 

First of all, the phrase 'I let slide' was in Keith's case...I don't remember any other of my in person meetings (or even my online chats with men - and I've had many) to be 'peppered' with that phrase...I've maybe used it 5 or 6 times in 60 pages, for Greg and for the second meeting with Keith...and if anyone tells me that what Keith did was nornal and that I'm at fault, then either I've gone crazy or the world has.

 

Second, I never said I'm always right. On the contrary, regarding hny wishes I admitted I was wrong in one case (Keith's).

 

BUT, regarding what I'm looking for in a partner, I'm not going to change. I'm too old for that, both in age and in online dating.

 

As I've said before, I appreciate everyone's input but I know what I want...and, obviously, since I do go on many dates, it's not that hard for a guy to approach me and it's not like I'm watching them like a hawk..if that was the case, I would go on one date a year!

 

It becomes hard when the guy makes it hard. It could be my fault too in some cases? Maybe. But I won't admit I'm wrong in Greg's case because it's NOT a matter of right or wrong. I didn't like his behaviour period. You might not have a problem with it. Other women might not have a problem with it. Every single woman in the world might be fine with his behaviour. I wasn't..and that's what matters.

[missmarple]

So, just making the point that some folks will give you a day or two of NC even when they like you. If that isn't acceptable to you, then it doesn't much matter. But if you like them, and they cause you no downside, then there is no reason to write them off.!

 

I don't have any problem with that. I don't expect someone I hardly know to contact me every day....for a guy I just met, a couple times a week is fine. Even when I'm in a relationship, I'm not the sort of person who needs their partner to constantly touch base with them. However, if 2-3 days after a first date, the other person hasn't gotten in touch, he usually never does..that's what's happened to me in the past and still does..when they don't, it's because, for some reason, they don't want to see me again.

 

Exception: Keith..but I've started thinking that something isn't right with him.

[quirky]

I think something isn't right with Keith either. And Paul is weird too.

How long do you chat to those guys before you meet? 2-3 guys a week is a lot...either you're mega pretty and get lots of interest or super active on the site. I see at the most 3 guys a month. I am not saying I do it right but I reply to very few guys and chat back and forth about 5 messages each. After I have established we are on the same page I usually see guys a few times, provided the first date was good.

[missmarple]

I am surprised Greg reached out. You didn't reply?! I don't know what else you could expect of the guy. I guess you scratched him off forever now eh.

 

I agree with the other people who don't 'do' IMing. I think it's just ripe for annoyances and a really bad way to get to know someone. Same reason I keep texting way down too.

 

I didn't notice this last night (I was answering to so many comments..lol).

 

Ok, about Greg...he's reaching out because he knows he didn't behave in the best way. It's very hard, when you try to describe something that happened, to paint an exact picture of a situation.

What happened with Greg in a bit more detail (since so many of you think that I overreacted etc etc)

 

I met him on the site 2 weeks ago more or less. He had sent me a friend request.

We talked on the IM of the site 2-3 times...initiated by him...then I didn't see him for almost a week.

When I saw him again, he IMed and said we should move on to phone. I agreed. We exchanged phone numbers but he asked if I could call him because he had run out of credit on his cell phone.

I called him and we talked for 2 hours, it was a great phonecall...by the end of the call, I expected him to suggest a meeting (that's what usually happens with men I meet on that dating site) but he said nothing except goodnight.

After that, I didn't see him on the site or hear from him at all for a week or so.

He sent me a happy new year text to which I replied.

A couple days later I saw him on the site and he IM'ed me...it was the convo I described..full of interruptions. Now, I knew he was at home, alone..he told me himself. He has a store that was closed because of the holidays and his son was away with his mother. During that IM session he never said he's busy or doing something else, too, or anything. He asked to meet, I agreed, he suggested a time, I suggested a different time because I couldn't make it...and he never replied to that. I waited for either a confirmation or a different suggestion but nothing..so, I said it seems you're busy, we can talk later and logged out.

What I thought would happen was either a phonecall (to say sorry, I got caught up in something, so, let's cement those plans for the date) or an email saying the same thing. It's what I would have done if I really wanted to meet someone and something had come up during the discussion about our date.

He didn't reach out to me in any way in the next 24 hours. I took that to mean he didn't really want to meet so, I deleted him from my list and sent an email saying ty for the chats etc but I don't think you're interested in actually meeting so, good luck.

At that point, the way I see things, if a guy genuinely wants to meet you, replies with 'you're wrong, I do want to meet you, it was just a misunderstading, how about Sunday at so and so time?' If he had said that, I would accept the date and give him a chance..but he didn't. He just continued the email convo with who's right and who's wrong...and, to me, that meant I was right all along that no, he doesn't want to meet me...the fact that he wouldn't even use his phone to talk to me for a couple minutes just reinforced my gut feeling.

 

Could I have handled this differently? Sure. I could have just kept him on my list and, if and when he reached out again, we could arrange a date. But, from our interactions in those 2 weeks, the feeling I was getting was that he either wasn't that interested or he had lots of things on his plate. Add to that the fact that he had told me he never actually broke up with his ex and they're still 'friends or something' (his words) and you may see why I reacted the way I did.

 

I didn't reply to his last 'it was just a misunderstanding' email because he still won't say 'let's meet'. It's empty words. Could I tell him ok, then, if it was a misunderstanding, when do you want to meet me? Sure..but I don't want to. When you meet a guy on a dating site and he won't even arrange a date with you (or call you), it's pointless to continue pursuing it. There are lots of other men on that site who want to get to know me and I don't see why I should have to try so hard to get a date with Greg...it shouldn't be this difficult.

 

I hope I made the situation a bit clearer with this (huge, I know!) post.

[missmarple]

How long do you chat to those guys before you meet? 2-3 guys a week is a lot.either you're mega pretty and get lots of interest or super active on the site. I see at the most 3 guys a month. I am not saying I do it right but I reply to very few guys and chat back and forth about 5 messages each. After I have established we are on the same page I usually see guys a few times, provided the first date was good.

 

It depends. With some of them we meet on the same day we talk. With some others, maybe 2-3 days later. Greg has been one of those I've chatted to for the longest time without actually meeting him.

I woudn't say I'm mega pretty but I am pretty (I feel funny typing this but that's what people say, anyway...lol) and active on the site (I usually log in, see if I have any new friend requests/emails and someone just talks to me immediately).

I reply to very few guys, too, most of my friend requests I just decline because they're much younger/much older/married etc.

From those I reply to, some I stop talking with after the first chat because it's obvious we're not a match.

 

I usually get over 20 friend requests/emails a week..from those 20, I go out with 2 or 3...although not every week...there have been weeks when I didn't meet anyone interesting.

[missmarple]

Jim, the guy I first chatted with yesterday (41, programmer, single, no kids, good looking), texted me today. This is how it went:

 

J: good morning, miss marple

mm: good morning, Jim, how are you?

J: great, i'm with a group of friends in (a very pretty town about 2 hours away)

mm: lucky you...i'm at home..unfortunately are you coming back?

J: tomorrow..yes, it's lovely here

mm: have a great day then...talk to you when you're back

J: thanks and I hope you have a lovely time, too!

[missmarple]

Keith texted me:

 

K: hi, how are you?

mm: fine, thanks, and you?

K: at home...what are you doing?

mm: on the net and watching tv..you?

K: nothing...call me

mm: i can't right now (I was talking to someone on the site - details in the next post -....plus, he could have called me himself if he wanted to hear me)

 

He didn't text again and a few minutes later he comes online on the site and sends a message: 'What are you doing here?'. 'Talking', I said. 'Ok', he said. Then, I left the site, I told him have a good afternoon and that was that. I really don't like this style of his...it makes me feel uneasy

[Batya33]

He sounds very insecure and in a controlling way. I met a few men like that when I was dating. It only got worse if I gave them more chances.

[missmarple]

Now, about this guy I was talking to.

 

Don, 55 (but looks great...he's a George Clooney type), fellow teacher, divorced with 2 grown up kids and lives 10 mins away...we chatted easily and comfortably on the IM of the site and he asked for my phone number. He called and our phone conversation was equally easy and pleasant. At the end of the phonecall, he asked if I'd like to grab some coffee later, I said sure and that's it..we're meeting in a few hours.

 

See how easy it is when someone really wants to meet new people?

[missmarple]

He sounds very insecure and in a controlling way. I met a few men like that when I was dating. It only got worse if I gave them more chances.

 

Remember I had told you insecure guys are drawn to me? It's my fault for not recognising the signs on Keith during our first date.

I don't plan on giving him any more chances ...I just don't know how to go about it because, after last night, I feel very uncomfortable even in typing with him. Maybe I'll send an email?

[Batya33]

Remember I had told you insecure guys are drawn to me? It's my fault for not recognising the signs on Keith during our first date.

I don't plan on giving him any more chances ...I just don't know how to go about it because, after last night, I feel very uncomfortable even in typing with him. Maybe I'll send an email?

No but from what I recall you insisted that you were a good read on people and that Keith's reactions (which I pointed out were insecure) were not a sign of that -that you knew him well enough. I am not trying to be "right" just trying to show you that perhaps take it down a notch when you are so "sure" you are reading a situation right -it goes both ways because you might be writing off potentially good guys as well. It's not your fault at all. Insecure people have always been drawn to me, too.

 

You wrote "I believed him. If Tony said something like that, I'd laugh at his face but, for Keith, it seemed..I don't know...it made sense, however strange it sounds. He's the sort of person who doesn't really trust himself.

Anyway, I'll see what he'll be like tomorrow."

 

If what you meant was you knew he was insecure then yes, you're right! I read that to mean otherwise.

[missmarple]

That's true, I don't...but, usually, I'm pretty good at reading insecure people. For some reason, I've found insecure guys are often drawn to me..it has happened to me too many times and I recognise the signs.

 

That's what I had said. You had said I don't know him well enough to read him because I had believed his excuse about fear of rejection. Maybe my 'trust in himself' wording was wrong...I meant not the sort of person who believes in himself.

 

In any case, I now have a problem in my hands.

[Cheetarah]

What is the problem? Just ignore him or be like "It was lovely meeting you, I think we may be on 2 different pages, take care!"(that is my default go-to if I think I've invested time enough where something is warranted).

[missmarple]

Well...the thing is that last night, when he said we can stay friends etc, I had said sure. I didn't really mean it, I just wanted to end the conversation and go home.

[Batya33]

Well...the thing is that last night, when he said we can stay friends etc, I had said sure. I didn't really mean it, I just wanted to end the conversation and go home.

 

No problem -simply do the fade out or say "it would be nice to stay in touch as friends but I'm pretty busy at the moment so please understand if I don't have time for long chats. All the best to you!

 

And next time with an insecure person I wouldn't say the friends thing because that's always a risk with that type.

[IAmFCA]

On this thread of whom and when to meet from OLD: my methodology has evolved and now rests at this-

 

I stick to just a few messages within the site, one phone call, texting as happenstance, and then a proper date, if he makes it through the phone call screen and if he asks and plans. There are exceptions: I have a person now in whom I am very interested: we went out to dinner the same day we messaged on line, I never spoke to him on the phone, and our first and second dates both lasted 5+ hours of just eating, drinking, talking. In another case, I screened out by phone a man I know I would get along with, but I just have an instinct about him around trust/LTR success, so I screened him by phone and often wonder if I tossed him too early.

[Batya33]

I always used to suggest first meets on the first call if he didn't - it wasn't a date, just a first meet and when he asked I never felt like I was being asked out on a date - he'd never met me after all! Much better than wasting time talking more -I wanted to know if he wanted to meet in person to see if we should go on a date in the future.

[IAmFCA]

I will add: I do not meet men for coffee. Ugh. Its not an interview.

[missmarple]

UPDATE no1

 

First of all....while I was waiting for Don outside a cafe, here in the area (since we both live here), Keith called.

 

K: hey

mm: hi, Keith, how are you?

K: where are you? (he could hear I was outside, obviously)

mm: out

K: where?

mm: just about to have coffee

K: with whom?

mm: a friend (annoyed)

K: why didn't you call me?

mm: had I said I would?

K: well, i had told you to

mm: i didn't realise you expected me to call you

K

mm: anyway, how are you?

K: ok (sounding extremely depressed)

mm: is everything ok?

K: yes

mm: ok, well i have to go

K: ok

mm: good night

K: bye (still sounding very depressed)

 

That conversation just ruined my mood. I knew Keith would be a problem, I just knew it. Unfortunately, I'm sensitive and it really got to me and I started feeling guilty (although I know that I'm not guilty of anything, I never led him on) but he sounded so lonely it just broke my heart When Don arrived (a minute later) he found me looking so sad he asked what happened...but more about Don in the next post.

 

I'm wondering if it would be a good idea to meet him once more and talk to him? I don't know what to do so, any advice is welcome.

[annie24]

Ok, i know i said that you should find a good man, who may be slightly awkward, but this is too awkward.

[NorthDallas40]

Ok, i know i said that you should find a good man, who may be slightly awkward, but this is too awkward.

 

Seriously.

 

If I was in Keith's shoes I would have been cracking a joke as soon as you answered and by the time the convo was over you'd have Don asking why you were in such a GOOD mood.

 

Keith, go back to the minors - you ain't ready for prime time yet.

[missmarple]

UPDATE no2

 

Don is indeed good looking in person, too. Very tall (6'4, I think), very good body, long-ish white hair, old rocker style if you know what I mean.

He's an extraordinary person. Very lively, great company, a good listener, too. I told him about Keith..I didn't plan to but I was in such a bad mood and he asked and I wanted to tell him just in case he thought I was disappointed in his looks or something.

He's a cancer survivor although he didn't dwell on it, he just mentioned it.

He has a great sense of humour, we laughed a lot.

He told me I'm better looking than my pics (he actually said he didn't like my pics which made me wonder why he had sent me the friends request at all but anyway), I have very expressive eyes, sweet smile, I'm cool, funny, intelligent, etc etc. I returned the compliments as he really was good looking and found him cool, funny and clever.

 

Things were going very well when he dropped a bomb on me. He's not 55. He's 59. I was shocked, he doesn't look his age AT ALL. I would have believed him if he had said 50 or even 48, that's how young he looked. But the fact remains that he's 59. 14 years older than me and not even close to the age I want in a partner. I know age is just a number and all that but he'll be almost 70 when I am 55!

 

After the date, he drove me home, he said he loved our time together, he wants to see me again and that his ex wife and also his last relationship were same age as me...and, as for me, I'm confused. Why can't people just be honest about their age? I'm at a place that I never wanted to be....because I really liked him but his age is a big problem for me...and the fact that he lied even though in my profile I state 51 is the oldest I'm willing to go!

[annie24]

ugh. i hate that people can't just be honest. maybe i should just put up a photo of when i was 23....? yeesh.

 

glad that the date went otherwise well... do you think you'll see him again?