He didn't pay for my coffee........

[ApocalypseDreams]

I always thought that going for a coffee with someone was so casual dating wise that really all it was for was to 'feel' eachother out. A precursor to an actual date, with no obligation of anything going further. Therefore you would both just buy your own.

 

I also belong to a younger generation though.

[PhilliesFan001]

Because the whole point of the thread was about one thing! It was about he didn't offer to pay for her coffee. And the reason the OP got a little bothered over it was because this was a first date and she wanted to be woooed, impressed, and shown a little chivalry.

 

And I think most woman deserve that on a first date EVEN if it was just a coffee date!

 

And men don't deserve the same? It's the 21st century. Women have jobs now, they're allowed to have their own money. And men should still pay?

 

Shouldn't men be shown the same respect, and the chance to be wooed and impressed?

[MyNinja]

I think I understand where the OP is coming from.

 

He offered her out for coffee, so it is only somewhat natural to think since he offered that he intends to pay. I'm sure this is what she was thinking and was taken aback when he didn't offer to pay. No matter what the price may be it was just the principle of the matter.

 

I wouldn't write him off for it though. It's not entirely fair to think that he was obligated or expected to pay. He may have had his own thoughts on the situation thinking this is just a friendly time out and each takes care of their own. Maybe he was keeping things neutral?

 

Next time, assume that you will be paying for yourself as to avoid awkward situations like this.

 

Until we meet again...

[DylanNotorious]

I'm trying not to get too technical over it, we should just look at it through the eyes of the OP.

 

If she had organized the date who knows whether she would have paid for both coffees, I actually think she would have! But in this instance he didn't offer to pay, and it bothered her.

[PhilliesFan001]

Exactly - and some of us are arguing that she shouldn't count him out over this one insignificant matter. That was the point of the thread.

[sadchick83]

I think we should open a betting book for the next date-- Who thinks he will pay for everything? Who thinks she's going to have to bring her wallet and a credit card?

 

If only this guy knew he had 100+ posts on a website devoted to his (in)action on a first date.

[cereza]

So what if he already ordered himself one while waiting for you.

 

When you did arrive, he should have got up, introduced himself, and asked what sort of coffee you'd like and go up to the counter and order you one......AND PAY FOR IT!

 

Jeez!!!!!!!

 

I totally agree with him. When a guy does that you should really not let him go because there are not many. And about him not paying is because he is not a gentleman. He invite you out again to eat or something like that? if you accept and he doesn't pay this time just leave right there because that's a date.

[Alezia]

I don't understand how people get offended to be treated to a cup of coffee. Yes women can pay their own ways now, but that doesn't mean we've turned into robotic emotionless creatures! I wouldn't expect a man to pay for me or turn him down for future dates, but I would still be thrilled if he wanted to purchase me one... Perhaps I'm too naive in thinking that we've evolved that far along in society - and that we must insist that we are capable of doing things ourselves (that's just silly to me)? I would hope that he would also be happy to get a cup of coffee paid, as opposed to thinking I want to rape him in his sleep.

 

I would find it rather hilarious if I knew there was 100+ posts about my 5 minute date online too. There was probably more time put towards typing and thinking about these posts than what was spent on the actual date. That's what happens when you're bored and you've put the kid to sleep huh?

[PhilliesFan001]

It's definitely not the act of it - if a man I was on a date with wanted to buy me a cup of coffee/drink/dinner, I would be pleasantly surprised and graciously accept/thank him for it. I would also return the favor and expect him to respond similarly.

 

The problem I have is with the expectation - going into the first date thinking the man has to pay or thinking he no doubt WILL pay for you, just because you're the woman, or just because he asked you out instead of the other way around. The expectation is archaic and rude in my opinion. If I were on a date, didn't pay for the guy and he looked at me like "Uhh...oh, I figured you'd get this," I would probably walk away - there's no excuse for princess like behavior.

[Generation]

For fux sake. This guy sounds like a good guy. He's financially secure, right Sandra? Sounds to me like he's not an idiot when it comes to spending either, as in he knows how to budget and choose his dates wisely.

 

I'd suggest you stop listening to those who are bad mouthing him because they're going to affect your next influence on him in a negative way. See past these miniscule things and go with it.

 

 

I'm starting to see why some of the people who responded in this thread were dumped in the past. You're so cold and judgmental.

[MyNinja]

I do think you should go out with him again. This would be too minor of a dealbreaker, especially this early on. Give him more time.

 

Next time you go out with him, you two should express how to take care of the tab. Maybe you pay for one occasion and he gets the next??

[goodfoot]

The other funny thing is people saying he's cheap cause he's using a coupon. Do you want him to pay full price just to impress you? People who are financially secure, more often than not, are the most frugal. That's why they have money, cause they aren't throwing it away! It adds up. I learned that the hard way.

[Alezia]

Yeah threads like these make me happy I am not a guy. Girls just seem so much more critical of how it was paid, what was paid etc... Guys are generally just happy to have whatever bought for them.

[MyNinja]

Lol this thread is too funny to me

 

My SO and I have this little system. I give him gas money and he will go to the store to buy groceries to cook our favorite meals. When we go out he will pay the tab one night and I will purchase groceries and cook for a few nights and then we reverse it. It works, lol. There are no hurt feelings, resentment or confusion.

 

This is not for just the OP, but for everyone on this thread. Develop a system. Take turns. Men like to be swooned over just as much as women.

 

Until we meet again...

[Batya33]

I think it's odd that he asked you what you wanted but then didn't offer to pay - so, what, you were supposed to leave the table and push your way to the front of the line to get your wallet out in time? I don't think he invited you on a date so I don't think you should have expected him to pay. I think he should have kept quiet about how he got the comedy club tickets - TMI. I'd be prepared to pay my own way for drinks, etc if I were you.

[annie24]

I am a total couponer, so a guy who coupons too would be sexy to me!!!

[jonny15]

I realize that he could be cheap which is surprising because he told me that he is financially secure.

 

Did you ever stop to think about the fact that he may be financially secure because he saves his money and doesn't spend it on little things like coffee?

 

People acting weird about this just makes me think that some believe men are nothing more than ATM's that are suppose to spit out however much is numbered in.

[annie24]

Did you ever stop to think about the fact that he may be financially secure because he saves his money and doesn't spend it on little things like coffee?

 

yeah - that's how you save money - you find good deals, spend carefully. don't throw your money away like crazy.

 

personally, coffee is not a big deal. I would be offended if what happened to a friend happened to me: A guy she was dating asked her out to the most expensive restaurant and town, and then it was her "turn" to pick up the tab. (They had a system of taking turns paying). The last place he paid for was like sandwiches somewhere. My friend was not upset, she said that was their system.

[tiredofvampires]

He asked me. Exactly that. Do you like comedy? And I said yes. Then he told me about the tickets. And asked me to go. He had asked me on the phone before even meeting me in person. Then again after we met, he asked again. He also said that he likes the way I laugh. I think we might have fun together at the comedy club.

 

Okay, well that's perfectly fine. He didn't do a single thing wrong.

 

Maybe he didn't have to mention where/how he got the tickets, but I can see that being something I'd do. You have tickets, and you don't want to just look presumptuous by popping them on someone as if you could read their mind about what they would enjoy doing. So you say, "Well great -- you like comedy, and I have some tickets then that we'll have fun with!" Then you give a short backstory of how you got the tickets. That actually is something I like -- that we're informal enough not to have to beat around the bush. So you got it from airline miles. Cool, you travel a lot then. EZ BREEZEE casual dialogue there. No need to be secretive.

 

Have fun at the comedy club!

 

As for talking about your "history", I agree with posters that you should just tell him the basics for now, but don't leave him with no answers at all. At some point, you'll have to explore eachother's personal lives, because emotionally, if you're clicking you at some point let your guard down GRADUALLY -- IF he proves to be trustworthy over many incidents. Getting to know about eachother will include his knowing your history and your knowing his, and you can't really have dates of progressing substance steering mightily away from that subject forever.

 

So you start with the level that gives him enough information to have some idea about you, but not so much that you feel you've just coughed up your guts. Just say that you just haven't found the right person yet and have focused on other areas of your life, like your career (which you told us.) And that now, you're in a better position to consider relationships. I don't think just telling him you're not comfortable with talking about it will leave a good impression -- it then sounds like some scary skeletons in the closet. Tell the truth, but in doses that are small and manageable.

[jonny15]

yeah - that's how you save money - you find good deals, spend carefully. don't throw your money away like crazy.

 

Yep....but some think that doing that is something a man shouldn't do.

 

I guess they think to have money, you need to win the lottery or something.

 

It seems that men are looked down upon if they are tight with their money.

 

personally, coffee is not a big deal. I would be offended if what happened to a friend happened to me: A guy she was dating asked her out to the most expensive restaurant and town, and then it was her "turn" to pick up the tab. (They had a system of taking turns paying). The last place he paid for was like sandwiches somewhere. My friend was not upset, she said that was their system.

 

That ain't right at all. And he clearly set her up for that one.

[Blue Spiral]

This thread is one of the craziest things I've ever seen. It makes me incredibly thankful that I never bothered with dating.

 

In the future, men will have to bring their financial portfolio and bank statements on dates, so the woman knows if she should acknowledge their existence or not.

[Fudgie]

I realize that he could be cheap which is surprising because he told me that he is financially secure.

 

I can't believe I missed this.

 

Since when is "cheap" a horrible thing? have you seen the economy lately? It's going down the toilet?

Would you rather have a guy who splurges on big things a lot and gets himself into debt or doesn't have many savings because he's always splurging?

 

Give me a cheap guy ANY DAY. If I found out that he didn't use coupons on a date when he had them just because he wanted to "impress" me, I would think he's a bloody idiot.

 

Newsflash: Financially secure men are that way BECAUSE they know how to manage money! And for many, that means being cheap!

[chitown9]

Sandra Dee, please give this guy one more chance. We all want to know the results of the next date, cheap or not cheap?

[Jake]

I'm a bit late for the party but these are my 2 cents, for what they're worth.

 

If a women would get so bothered by the fact that I didn't pay for her that she will not go out on another date with me because I didn't pay for whatever it was (coffee, movie, food, ect.) I would never call again to begin with. Reason being, she's got some serious entitlement issues. A kind gesture made is not genuinely received in kindness if it was expected in the first place.

 

This is how I would personally go about it. I would ask her out on a coffee date and not pay on purpose. If she doesn't get upset and is actually happy that I acknowledge her own independence as a grown women she passes, with an flying colors. The second date would be more expensive say dinner or something and there I would pay for everything out of kindness, because I like her and because I am now invested in her emotionally to some degree. Then on the the third date I would do something lighter (to have some fun) like the amusement park or the movies. If she doesn't offer to pay for herself then I'd realize that she actually does have entitlement issues after all and I'd still break it off.

 

Also a note to the women, if and when you do offer to pay half or even full for the expenses and the man purfusely refuses to accept even with repeated request from you, please don't go another date with him. A man that is embarrassed to accept your gesture of kindness in this regard means that he's embarrassed that a women is trying to pay for him. This mean he doesn't see you as an equal individual to himself. Run.

 

Note to the OP: When your date said he's financially secure, that basically means, "I'm stable, mature and I'm not going to try and impress you." Granted, I hope for your sake that this is true because that means you've found yourself a keeper and not some cheap guy because there is a fine balance to this.

 

What I mean is, if he is mature, he is going to try to earn your true respect by and through acts of kindness and love - not by fear, power or money. If a guy tries to woe a women with his money or power he still doesn't get the fundamental basics of relationships and love. Equality and respect is required.

[EgoJoe]

I read the first six pages of this thread and then skipped to the end to say that I am upset you didn't offer to reimburse him for the coffee he bought while he waited for you!