petite Posted October 30, 2011 Share Posted October 30, 2011 I really think it would be best to end this whole 'relationship', if we an even call it that. It has been under a month, things are going up and down like a roller-coaster and really I think you need to figure out what you want, what pace suits you and find a guy that is on the same wavelength as yourself. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted October 30, 2011 Share Posted October 30, 2011 I've spent a few days with him and tonight I sensed that he is pulling away from me. I think maybe I should give therapy another chance. That sense you feel -is that the same type of sense you felt when, last week, you sensed that he was controlling and possessive? Link to comment
im sandra dee Posted October 30, 2011 Author Share Posted October 30, 2011 I spent Friday night with him and most of the day on Saturday. Then Saturday night I asked if he would drive me home. I haven't been feeling well and just wanted to be at home (a feeling I always have when I'm not feeling well). On the drive to my house, he didn't say a word to me and he didn't show any affection like he had earlier in the day -- only a brief kiss before I got out of the car. I asked him to come in for a bit and he declined. He did express his discontent that I was choosing to return to my home for the night instead of staying with him. Moments like this that make me think that he isn't really happy. And now I'm wondering who is the one with the problem: me, him or both of us. Maybe therapy would help me figure things out. I think that it would definitely help to talk to someone. Link to comment
annie24 Posted October 30, 2011 Share Posted October 30, 2011 i recommend you go to therapy, yes. i think it will be helpful. i think that his behavior is consistent with a man who is rushing too fast into an insta-relationship. i had the same experience before - where he was pushing for an insta-relationship basically from the first date on. i had to cancel one of our dates because i got sick and had to go to the ER. I called him on the phone to tell him that. he didn't express concern that i was sick, but rather, "well, you know i'm going out of town next week and we can't see each other then until we get back." it sounds like your guy kind of did the same thing to you there. not really caring that you are sick, just that "you don't want to spend time with him" so he got sulky. that's not a good thing. Link to comment
im sandra dee Posted October 30, 2011 Author Share Posted October 30, 2011 Thank you for understanding. I will pursue therapy. Link to comment
im sandra dee Posted October 30, 2011 Author Share Posted October 30, 2011 I just realized that even if neither of us had any issues we'd still have a problem being together. He keeps his furnace set at a very low temperature and I feel too cold when I'm in his home. I feel like I'm in a freezer. I even think that's the reason I've been feeling sick since I met him. I've told him several times that I feel cold when I'm in his home and he never offers to turn up the furnace. Yet he is persistent that I spend the night with him. And makes me feel guilty when I'd rather be at home. Hopefully therapy will help me learn to assert myself in situations like this. Link to comment
petite Posted October 30, 2011 Share Posted October 30, 2011 You could always ask him to turn the heat up. He is not a mind reader, and subtle hints with some people simply do not work. Link to comment
Applewhite Posted October 30, 2011 Share Posted October 30, 2011 Also I don't understand what the problem is if he offered to turn the heat up. Did you say, yes let's turn it up? Link to comment
im sandra dee Posted October 31, 2011 Author Share Posted October 31, 2011 You could always ask him to turn the heat up. He is not a mind reader, and subtle hints with some people simply do not work. I've asked him to do that but he didn't want to. Also I don't understand what the problem is if he offered to turn the heat up. Did you say, yes let's turn it up? He didn't offer to turn it up. He didn't want to when I asked. Link to comment
Ariel85 Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 Maybe therapy would help me figure things out. I think that it would definitely help to talk to someone. Good girl. I'm happy to hear you post this. I'm a HUGE fan of therapy, btw, so when I suggest it, it's not with any kind of malice. I think everyone could benefit from a little work. There seems to be an undercurrent of control issues at play. Like, you are really seeking to control your environment (meaning him and his actions) so you can therefore manage your emotions better. I don't get the feeling that you feel secure at any phase of dating/intimacy, which is why you keep up with the hot/cold/I love him/I hate him/we're dating/he's dumped routine. Just keep in mind as I said earlier that any person who tolerates this kind of treatment, isn't the healthiest person around, so if this guy is accepting this kind of roller coaster, then I think he's never going to be a good choice for the long haul. But, I also think if he were, you wouldn't even bother with him, which is why you've either always avoided dating and relationships, or purposely picked the most intensely wrong men. WDYT? Link to comment
petite Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 I've asked him to do that but he didn't want to. In that case you're better off. It's been about a month since you met him and going by your scattered posts you're both better off alone or with other people. This much drama so early on is just weird. Link to comment
annie24 Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 In that case you're better off. It's been about a month since you met him and going by your scattered posts you're both better off alone or with other people. This much drama so early on is just weird. agreed - this is waaaay too much drama too early on. very bad sign. the first few months, at least, are supposed to be light and fun. Link to comment
Capricorn3 Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 In that case you're better off. It's been about a month since you met him and going by your scattered posts you're both better off alone or with other people. This much drama so early on is just weird. I've been following this thread but I wasn't going to get involved, until I read the above. I agree with petite. Maybe time to end this and move on. Link to comment
tiredofvampires Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 Another vote for Petite's post. There are some things about the accounts of him that I think could be a matter of context in real life, so it's hard to judge from here (and as I said, the fidelity can get lost in translation). But there's enough to judge on here that doesn't require a context to say, "this is not healthy and can't lead to anything good." One of those things though came a while back. You said, OP, that he said he admits he's "desperately trying to fill a void." If I just take that one statement outside of anything else that has been said or done, that provides a gold mine of information. A gold mine of a landfill. NO ONE can have a healthy relationship with that mindset. But regardless of how you conduct yourself with him now, I'm glad you've reconsidered therapy. Good on you for recognizing that, that's all to your credit. Because the fact of the matter is that whatever his issues are, you have your own as you've gotten drawn into this. And for you to say this man "makes you happy", at this early stage in the game with all the mis-steps and drama, is indicative of the problems you need to sort out with someone who can follow your course and give you some direct input. This isn't just about finding a different man. This is about knowing how to even find/recognize one and be with one in a healthy manner in the first place. Link to comment
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