He didn't pay for my coffee........

[abitbroken]

Sandra Dee - I normally would see meeting kids quickly is a red flag but if he was married 20+ years and his kids are aged 20, 19, etc, some dads who are out of touch with dating introduce a woman to his 20 year old son instead of his best friend, etc. Not that the kids have to approve but everyone is guilty of introducing someone to a close friend early on to get their impression if they are of an age where they are being cautious in the dating game. I also think from your past threads that you are quick to dismiss guys. There were two guys right in a row that you fooled around with and wrote one off, and would have liked to gotten to know the other one but felt you messed up so didn't want to bother.

 

I think that you should tell this guy that you would like to have a relationship with someone but think the first part is getting to know someone and dating them to make sure you both are on the same page and just to get to know more about them. Any sensible guy wouldn't refuse that. SOme people have the impression that dating means cheap sex and cheap drinks versus a relationship has meaningful outings. He could feel that way and wants to let you know he is honorable.

 

I think this situation could end up being bogged down in semantics. Just keep going on dates that don't involve sex or his kids (but if his family is important to him, that is a good sign), and get to know more about him.

 

At some point you DO owe to tell him about your past. Not every detail, but the basics "I am single, have never been married. In my 20s i devoted my life to my career so that is why i have not settled down. I am looking for a relationship to see where it goes once I get to know someone." End of story, you don't have to tell him about every guy you dated.

[Batya33]

He said and I quote: "I don't want to date you' date=' I want to be in a relationship with you." So we're not really dating, are we? We skipped the dating stage. Silly me, I thought we were going to go on dates. He had a whole bunch of great date ideas but maybe those ideas were just a ploy to reel me in. I'm very frustrated by this situation.[/quote']

 

Sandra, you're missing the point. Being in a relationship doesn't mean not dating. My husband and I still want to go on dates (child care issues, soon to be resolved!) and he still wants to plan them (I do, too but he is enthusiastic about the plans and steps up to the plate -we've been in a relationship from the beginning, for over 6 years now).

If his children are 19 and 20 I am less concerned about their vulnerability and how impressionable they are. Your post oozes so much negativity though I am concerned about whether you're going to be a fun date for him and whether you're open to getting to know him without all that negativity weighing you down. That mindset's going to get you nowhere fast. I strongly suggest you work hard, every day and not just when it comes to this guy on not indulging in the negativity/pity party stuff.

[im sandra dee]

He called me last night and he said some things to me that seemed to indicate that he was going to end things with me. So I responded by saying that if that's what he really wants, then I wish him the best and I wanted to end the call right there and then because I was feeling hurt. Instead he kept the conversation going and still more about how I'm not living up to his expectations, that I'm afraid to be in a relationship, I'm afraid to be in love. In other words, he was analyzing me. I really hate being analyzed. I saw no point in continuing the conversation because I didn't view criticism of me as productive -- that isn't working things out, that's just blaming me. Well, I wanted to say goodbye and hang up and he wasn't responding so I warned him that I'd be hanging up if he didn't have anything more to say -- I just didn't want to hang up on him -- if he still had something to say, I'd listen but I wasn't going to listen to anymore blaming of me. He went silent so I hung up. He called several times last night but I didn't answer. This morning he called twice and left messages saying he was sorry and that he didn't mean any of the things that he said to me last night. I returned his call and I have a sincere desire to work things out with him but I'm not sure that I believe him when he says that he knows he was moving too fast and he is going to take things more slowly with me. He stated that he was pushing hard to have me in his life every day and he managed to push me away. That's exactly what he did. He seems to say the right things but I'm not sure if he is just saying these words to please me because he doesn't want to be alone in life. He actually told me that he is desperately trying to fill a void in his life. There are things about him that really feel wrong to me:

- he wants to see me every day and every night

- he wants to do everything together i.e. like shopping, not just date type activities

- he wants me to go to his house where his children are

I get what people are telling me about young children getting attached and I tried to tell him that but he won't listen to me.

I don't think that he is going to be able to meet me half way when I'm already made myself available to go all the way -- to satisfy his needs and desires -- going to his home, meeting his children, even being physical (no, we have not had sex but we have become intimate). With regards to sex, he has agreed to wait until we are both tested and he doesn't pressure me to have intercourse before we both get tested but he wants me and has made it clear that we're going to be having a lot of sex. Because that's what he wants. Do you see what I mean about being pressured? The pressure to do anything and everything is weighing heavily on my shoulders and I doubt very much that he'll accept anything less that what he wants even if it means losing me.

[Batya33]

He doesn't sound like a person who is emotionally stable enough for a healthy relationship. I think he did you a favor by being open about his expectations. I could not live up to, nor would I want to live up to, expectations like that and it sounds like you feel the same way.

[tiredofvampires]

He meant everything he said. Then he backpeddled, because by his own admission, he's desperate and didn't want to lose you.

 

You can't work this out. Nothing fixes desperation.

 

It's pretty clear you have to end this.

 

What I hate about situations like this is that usually, there are very early warning signs -- when he said on the first date, "I don't want your money, I want your heart," that was the first indication of this emotional instability. But who judges a person on one comment (which could be read in different lights, depending on context) and walks away? It's a tough thing.

 

Next time, though -- and this has come up before -- you need to follow your own instincts instead of just going with whatever flow a guy is demanding. I think you struggle with your boundaries, even though you know them. It's very hard to resist pressure, but pressure itself is a bad sign, no matter what the individual circumstances or reasonings.

[im sandra dee]

My gut feeling is to end things now. He came to my house today without calling first. I didn't answer the door. When I didn't answer the door, he called me. I didn't answer the phone. He called me again twice later this afternoon and told me about his visit. I lied and told him that I was in the shower and that he should have called first so I'd know that he was coming. I have not let on that he is beginning to creep me out. Whatever feelings or attraction that I had for him is starting to disappear and in it's place, I am beginning to fear that he is unstable. When we had talked this morning and he reassured me that he wasn't going to pressure me, I wasn't expecting to hear from him again until tonight. Yet he came to my house unannounced and called again twice this afternoon. He can't seem to stick to his original plan -- he was supposed to wait until tonight to call me. He said he isn't going to pressure me -- but I don't believe him. He wants to see me and call me more than I'm comfortable with -- I would have talked to him tonight as that was what I had agreed to.

[goodfoot]

Yea, showing up at your house unnannounced is no good. I would end things if I were you.

[Ariel85]

Wow. You tell him to back off, and he shows up at your house unannounced?

 

Sandra - you need to get rid of him, but GENTLY. He does sound a little emotionally unbalanced. I doubt he's dangerous, just more the stalkerish type who won't give up easily.

 

I always found the truth doesn't work well for these kinds of guys, as you already discovered. I would tell him you're getting back together with your ex, so he doesn't feel entirely rejected, and I wouldn't say anything about him being a total nutter.

[annie24]

yup, time to just break it off. listen to your gut!!!!

[im sandra dee]

He called me last night. We talked. He says that he wants to do things my way and at my pace but I'm still not sure that I believe him. I agreed to give him one chance to prove to me that he won't pressure me. I agreed to contact him to set up our next date. At this point I'm not feeling it and I don't want to see him but I want to see if my feelings change in the next few days. I've been feeling stressed because of words he spoke to me the other night and the way he pressured me. I don't want to make any decisions while feeling stressed. Breaking it off may make things worse and I can't handle more stress right now. But I think it's reasonable to take some time and think about what to do. Who knows maybe he will get tired of waiting for me and decide to move on.

[Miss Firecracker]

I felt I was being smothered with a pillow reading this. I would opt out.

[annie24]

sandra dee, if you are no longer feeling it for this man, you should tell him and move on. The fact is, a normal human shouldn't be this wrapped up in someone after the equivalent of 3 dates. i think what he's asking for is unreasonable. get out now.

[Madison12]

I agree with Annie on this one. Why is there so much pressure after 2 dates for all the crap I wouldn't even do with someone after 10 years? This guy sounds ridiculous. Cut it off and find someone you have fun with.

[im sandra dee]

I called him and we talked. I told him that my feelings have changed and he accepted that and he told me to take care. That's it. It's over. I am going to miss his good qualities. Why did he have to be so demanding? It's so unfair.

[annie24]

Good, i hope this is the last you hear of him!! i think he has a screw loose or something. That's what i meant when i said a few pages before that going at a lightning fast pace was a red flag. i know couples who have been married for 50 years who don't do EVERYTHING together, including grocery shopping. i mean, people need time to breath! asking for that artificial level of closeness after 2 weeks is ridiculous. anyway, you're better off without him.

[im sandra dee]

Good, i hope this is the last you hear of him!! i think he has a screw loose or something. That's what i meant when i said a few pages before that going at a lightning fast pace was a red flag. i know couples who have been married for 50 years who don't do EVERYTHING together, including grocery shopping. i mean, people need time to breath! asking for that artificial level of closeness after 2 weeks is ridiculous. anyway, you're better off without him.

 

I don't think that he meant grocery shopping but maybe. He had wanted to go shopping together for things for his house and he knew that I needed some things too. I just wasn't there and didn't want to spend our time together in stores. That, to me, is not fun. I actually hate shopping! I like buying stuff, sure, but hate shopping itself. But the other things that he said that he had wanted to do such as having me come to his home every day and spend every night in his bed and he planned for us to have sex every night. I thank goodness that I did not have sex with him. Otherwise I'd be even more attached to him right now and unable to end things without more pain. I feel sad. I am grieving. But I could not and would not continue things the way they were. I don't believe that he would have relaxed his expectations. And quite frankly he shouldn't have to. If he wants to feel that level of intensity, then he should find a woman who wants the same thing. I am sure that there are women out there who want that kind of closeness right away. I am simply not one of them and so glad that many posters on here could see my side of things and help me to extract myself from this situation. Thanks to everyone for your advice.

[im sandra dee]

Good, i hope this is the last you hear of him!!

 

Just in case he decides to call me again, I have added his number to my block list on my phone. His call won't get through. He may still have my cell number but at least I can turn off the volume on my cell phone. But something tells me that he has moved on. The last two nights should have made it clear that things changed.

[Alezia]

He doesn't sound like he wants a girlfriend. He sounds like he wants someone to hand hold him to do all the things his wife used to do - sex, shopping, watching the kids etc... He seems like he is trying to hold you at all costs, and pretends to want to let go of the relationships in hope that you will cling back to him.

 

I would simply drop that relationship at this point. I just can't see how it would get any better.

[Galaxo]

After 20 days and a few dates?

 

Why are you getting so attached so quickly too? Not looking for the answer, although you might want to figure it out for yourself.

[Philos]

After 20 days and a few dates?

 

Why are you getting so attached so quickly too? Not looking for the answer, although you might want to figure it out for yourself.

 

I personally find the people that don't get attached to be the weird ones. I guess dating and deciding whether to date someone further or not is just that casual an occurrence to some.

 

The contexts matter in some ways though. A few dates in and within 3 weeks, if some girl was telling me about her visions of us living together like we're married, I would be a little concerned about quick attachment too.

[Alezia]

I'm sure if the dates were properly spaced out that she would develop attachment though. It just seems to forced and inorganic. I personally love the dating, non-serious aspect of the start of a relationship. While your relationship gets rougher, it's also nice to have those simple and cheerful memories to look back on. I'm not sure why you would want to force attachment and interacting with his kids.

[annie24]

After 20 days and a few dates?

 

Why are you getting so attached so quickly too? Not looking for the answer, although you might want to figure it out for yourself.

 

I've sometimes gotten very attached to someone very quickly, for reasons I don't fully understand. sometimes, the chemistry is just very intense. I do agree that it's important for the brain to step in and say to the heart, "hey - we have socks we've had for longer than we've known this guy! calm down!!"

[O-shen]

I agree with you Annie. For me, there generally either IS a connection straight away, and its very strong and intense...........or there's nothing at all. I can honestly say i've not been with someone whom has " grown on me" so to speak.

Its either been there strongly from the start, or not at all.

 

But i agree, i def have problems holding back. I indulge in the emotion and feelings, instead of treading carefully and showing self awareness. I am taking time out now, so that next time will be different. Fingers crossed.

[shikashika]

Good gosh... I actually read through mostof that and yeah, I would find it weird if someone couldn't buy a coffee!!!

 

Anytime I'm out with a friend, at a coffee house or a pub or bar, I'll always offer to get them a coffee or a drink!

 

How anti-social, and bad mannered is it to not even offer to buy someone a drink or a coffee! For either party! Date or no date!

 

This goes for friends as well.. Everyone lining up and buying their separate drinks and then paying separately... might as well drink separately as well.

[jonny15]

Good gosh... I actually read through mostof that and yeah, I would find it weird if someone couldn't buy a coffee!!!

 

Anytime I'm out with a friend, at a coffee house or a pub or bar, I'll always offer to get them a coffee or a drink!

 

How anti-social, and bad mannered is it to not even offer to buy someone a drink or a coffee! For either party! Date or no date!

 

This goes for friends as well.. Everyone lining up and buying their separate drinks and then paying separately... might as well drink separately as well.

 

I think it's best everyone pay seperately, since nobody is being forced to go.

 

There is nothing bad mannered about it.