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Philos

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Everything posted by Philos

  1. Brie - still miss and love you close to 2 years later. It's a different love though. The love that will never be rekindled again, and it only hurts when I think about the lost opportunities. I am sorry. Anne - I am sorry for leaving you. I just can't deal with that emotional stuff. Future - I hope I meet a nice girl sometime when the time is right.
  2. Theres no reason for any of it. I'm still not convinced that things are better off for you or for me. I have a strange feeling I'm going to look back, 20 years from now, and not wonder if it wasn't just better that we kept together and fulfilled the role of loved one in each other's lives, just been done with the search and the lonliness. But... things are never easy. You played the hand you had and I lost all my chips. Where you are now, I know not. I don't know where I am now either. Maybe in a few years I can look back and link this period of my life up in a chain of forward progress, or things will be better or alright. I'll never understand until I get into a relationship that I end up breaking off myself. I just want someone to love. I loved you. I don't know what you wanted.
  3. This ones for you, Briessa. Hard to believe... Coming on what... 160 days? Sigh... I should have stayed off this site..... first time I've cried in a couple weeks. I miss you a lot... I'm still angry and sad and emotionaly at what you did. Sigh... Life just seems so stupid at times and so pointless.... Wake up, walk on a treadmill shower, go to my internship because school has let out... come home. Play games. Watch a T.V Show or something... goto bed. Do it again. And again. I can only guess what your life is like right now... Wake up, get ready, goto work, get off, go see your new love... Thats one of the things that stings the most... I remember playing skipbo with you on the futon at, retrospectively, the highest point of our union.... Now it pains me to know that I'll never play skipbo with you again... but that you could have played it with someone else already... Or 2 guys, who knows.
  4. Another day here. Soon to be another day gone. Another day without you here, soon to be another day with you gone. You've left me but still I haven't left you. Sigh. When that day comes... I'll be happy again. But... today I am sad.
  5. This ones for you. Tough... been almost 5 months... I'm starting to heal and move on now but. Still think about ya. Just tough... I used to love you... I still do a little bit. I value myself now more than I did the first 4 months. I think you missed out on me. I stayed with you and protected and comforted you. Ahhh... Maybe you won't regret it. Who knows. What is done is done. I just have a whole slew of days before meeting the next woman of my dreams.... how many days... who knows. I hope you get help for your problems, briessa. I've gotten help for mine. I'm going to rock the * * * * out of my next relationship. Then I'll look back, think about you... and then hug the beautiful woman sleeping next to me and remember to thank her for loving me and then tell her how much she means to me. My experience with you will help in the next relationship, and I thank you for that. Hard to believe we'll never speak to each other or see each other again... I miss going over to your place... Bleh. * * * * this edit, I don't want to miss it.
  6. The Three Musketeers is an excellent adventure book, I plan on buying it and rereading it sometime soon since its been about 7! years. I'm starting on John Adams (David McCullough) now, with a Wittgenstein intro book and an Abraham Lincoln biography both in the wings.
  7. You quit on us. You replaced me. I loved you. Hope you're happier.
  8. YOU abandoned me and the relationship and didn't ever try to work anything out. You never told me you were unhappy, you never tried to work anything out. The relationship was a vehicle for something beautiful and YOU totaled it and then hitched a new ride. I am deeply emotionally scarred now. I have no wish to ever talk to you again. Have a nice life.
  9. One day you're going to hurt like I have, not just from a breakup but probably from a lot of life-changing events that occur near each other like in my case. And why? Its sad. Now I feel I know the relationship story and who did what wrong and why.... but it doesn't matter now. It wouldn't have probably mattered the day you broke up with me. I wish you would have picked fights with me or been more assertive earlier on about not feeling understood or what you wanted in the relationship. We had a beautiful relationship once, and as we changed... I liked what we had and you didn't, but you never broke out of our routine to tell me. Our communication broke down, you became frustrated and then dumped me. Theres no * * * * ing reason for any of it. Theres no reason why you should be fat and happy, ignorant in the mistakes you made in the relationship and feeling vindicated... and that I should be in ruins right now. I feel good that I'm learning all the things I have about relationships and communication and life in general, but it is so painful.... maybe one day you'll understand about our relationship, maybe, but whats the point. We'll never see each other again, and we had such a beautiful thing that we * * * * ed up because I neglected it and you grew frustrated and never told me until the day you broke up with me. Our lives are no longer connected in anything except memories. Our lives will never reconnect. It is so. It is sad. There is no reason for it.
  10. It's been almost 10 weeks, and I still think about you and miss you. * * * * you. You dump me abruptly, never communicated * * * * to me the entire relationship. I get screwed because you can't communicate. And then you tell me you're seeing someone already only a few weeks later. Why do I still care about you, what you're doing, and what you've done? It would have been easier on me if you had died rather than dump me. At least it would have been a clean cut. I need to get past you. I need to meet some new people. I need to forget you. You'll go on and * * * * up new relationships just like you screwed ours, because you couldn't communicate what you wanted and then blamed it on me not knowing or being able to give you what I didn't know you want. You kicked me out of your life 66 days ago. I want to kick you out of my life now.
  11. Briessa, I can't love you. You don't love me. I'm sorry I pushed you away like that. I wish you had told me =/ I hope you're happy in your new relationship. I need to move on. You want me to, I know, and I want to too... I promise I'm changing. The next girl won't suffer like you did by my neglect.
  12. I miss doing things with you and being with you. I'm sorry I took things for granted and neglected you in the last phase of the relationship. I'm sorry that you couldn't communicate to me your frustrations and just bottled them up until you felt like you needed to dump me, and then did dump me. I'm sorry I didn't connect with you enough on that level. That is why we are split. That is why you've already moved on to someone else. You didn't have any feelings for me. That is why I need to heal and forgot about you and stop loving you. That is why I need to move on. I need to get better, get my own 2 feet on the ground, and then find someone else when I'm ready.
  13. Well * * * * brie. It's been awhile now. Each day the number since grows. I had a dream this morning. You called in it. I saw the number... opened it up, said Hello... you said hi.... I said 'So whats up' and then I woke up feeling numb. I don't like waking up before 7AM... when I goto bed past 1AM.... Some day I won't care to remember you, this forum, my suffering and heartache. What a day that'll be.
  14. Had another dream this morning. We were 'together'.... not reconciled, but together, you were sleeping in a different room. Maybe it's a sign that I'm pushing you out of my life now. Hopefully it is. You don't want me, I don't want to want you. You don't love me, I don't want to love you. Hope I get there.
  15. You didn't just break up with me, you broke up with me and the relationship. You didn't try to save it or communicate to me anything about it. If we were meant to be together, we would be together. I'm not sure if I can ever forgive you for betraying the relationship like that. I don't know if that's someone who I'd want to be with. I miss you but I'm not sure that I love you anymore.
  16. Back in November I developed a Panic Attack Disorder. I had multiple panic attacks daily until late May. Then 2 Months ago my car got broken into, my identity got stolen, and checks almost got cashed in my name (thankfully not). 2 weeks later, my car door window got smashed in, and my backpack got stolen. The next day, my girlfriend who I lived with for over a year dumped me abruptly. I tried to get back with her a couple weeks later and that failed and sent me back to hell. Then I found out she had started seeing someone 2 weeks after she dumped me. Then I got fired the next day.
  17. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
  18. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
  19. I've just come to the conclusion that I am dead. Not literally, but figuratively; a part of my soul has expired. In retrospect, I have died many times. I died when I graduated high school. I died when I did hardcore drugs. I died when I got caught selling drugs. I died when I started having panic attacks. I died when I entered extreme poverty in winter. I died when I got rescued. I died when I started working. I died when I met you. I died when you broke up with me. And many other different times. These deaths are all life changes, and they all mark a time when I lost a part of my naive innocence. The time when we were together was nice, but it was irresponsible and childish. I feel no longer bound to those parts acts. They were once me, and then they were once a part of me, but I think I am beginning to learn to let them go. I am beginning a new life. I still feel sad about it, very much so, and I still feel angry that you abruptly dumped me and didn't try to work anything out or let me know about your problems in advance. Perhaps I was not cruel enough. Who knows how this new life will be. Perhaps a little less loving, perhaps a little less kind, but to whom? I believe it will be better to me.
  20. I can't believe you're already seeing someone. It's been a month to the day, and you've been seeing him for at least a week! Not only have I lost you and moved back in with my parents, but I lost my job 2 days ago. I haven't felt so pathetic in years. I wonder what I'd do if you contacted me and wanted me back, like I contacted you and wanted you back 2x weeks after the break. If my heart would take you back. I don't know. It's funny how you didn't love me when you dumped me, and somehow I get the feeling you imagined I'd be over it already. I can only image, before you got your nice fancy job that paid $5 more than mine, before you went on antidepressants that killed your sex drive from once a day to a 'regretful' oncee a week+, when you were very emotional, jobless, and kept crying to me that I didn't come over enough and that you were afraid I'd give you a "It's not you speech". If I had given you a speech like that, would you even have recovered by now? Now you have already recovered, and moved on, and I'll be sad for months. It makes me feel that love is very * * * * ty, and that I have to be really paranoid and defensive in future relationships that I may get screwed and that love really is fragile and will dissolve. We were almost always so close... we talked about everything, we worked out our problems. What happened to that? You never talked to me about anything the last month, you just dumped me abruptly. I still can't believe you found some after 3 weeks. We were together for over 13 months. We lived together for about a year. I remember when I first met you. Driving out to your parents house. Comforting you. Kissing you. No more now. You've moved on from that. You say that we wouldn't work out, because we didn't work out the last month and that was because we got 'comfortable' with each other. I don't believe that. I can't freaking believe you're already seeing someone. He's probably spent the night too. Sleeping where I slept. Holding you where my hands used to be. Comforting you when you get upset. I try to rationalize it, that you didn't love me so it didn't take you as long to get over me, especially since you knew you were going to break up with me at least a week in advance. How could you know that and still be just okay with for a over a whole freaking week. I guess it's the same way in which you could just start dating someone 3 weeks after... A kind of heartlessness. I don't know. I loved you, we shared a lot, we lived together, I thought we'd be together forever actually, but... I guess I didn't know you. I guess we didn't share a lot. Because the person I loved and the person I knew wasn't a person who'd do something as * * * * ty as you did to someone like me. Didn't even try to work it out. What the * * * * was that, I deserved better.
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