Miss Firecracker Posted October 6, 2011 Share Posted October 6, 2011 I already know what'll happen next time. He told me that he has tickets for a comedy club that he ordered about a year ago using his air miles or something like that and he forgot all about them before and they're gonna expire some time this month. He asked me if I'd like to go and I accepted. Not realizing' date=' wait did he buy them intending to go with his ex?[/quote'] Why would it matter? I can't believe this bothers you. My husband got us a TV with points, a very nice one. I won another one, even better. Why pay for things when you can get them free? Ask Clark Howard. He will tell you. Link to comment
chr8st8na Posted October 6, 2011 Share Posted October 6, 2011 it's so crazy that people try to rationalize the thought process of how a first date should be. don't pigeon-holed every man or every woman. it's very simple. if you ask someone on a date, then you put yourself in the position that you are courting (attract the mate). however i have a feeling that he didnt ask you on a date but more like a casual get together to get a sense if he would like to court you. sounds to me he would like to court you because he asked for a second date. should he pay? i say, it just depends. like if he's broke, yea be ready to pay half. but if he's financially stable like he claims, he should pay because he invited you. but always offer just for appearance wise. but seriously... im the broke one and i never offer to go any where with my guy, so he usually will plan things and pay for it. yes he knows im broke but i do buy groceries for him every now and then to show my gratitude- its the least i can do Link to comment
jaysmaury Posted October 6, 2011 Share Posted October 6, 2011 It sounds like it might be a mix up since you were late. Be weary of what you read on this site in terms of who should pay for a first date. There are many people on this site that are a little too gung ho about making sure every finance in a relationship is split right down the middle, to the penny. God forbid the guy be expected to pay for a date anymore... Link to comment
Atrium Posted October 6, 2011 Share Posted October 6, 2011 Wow this thread is something. If coffee is so cheap as people keep pointing out, not sure why it's killing the OP to pay for it herself. Oh and... CHEAP MEN = NO SEX LOL. That is all. Link to comment
im sandra dee Posted October 6, 2011 Author Share Posted October 6, 2011 Thank you everyone! I am going out with him again definitely!!! I plan to pay my share so this issue doesn't affect me anymore. I want a chance to know him better without these distractions. Link to comment
Unknown1607307972 Posted October 6, 2011 Share Posted October 6, 2011 Wow...just reading this thread has weirded me out a bit. The OP decided that it isn't a huge deal in the end but lots of others have responded about how cheap he is. Why do women feel so entitled to free stuff just because they're a woman? It's kind of outdated and puts pressure on the guy. Link to comment
MrZod2012 Posted October 6, 2011 Share Posted October 6, 2011 Year is 2011. Women's lib happened decades ago and you won. That means women now are supposed to work and get to your pay your expenses. Equal rights remember? You cannot have it both ways. Change your mentality. The other posters who said "ditch him" - actually it is the woman with that mentality that I would certainly ditch. If you can't afford the coffee, so you should tell him upfront you would rather go for a walk than spending money with coffee. It shows honesty you know. I simply can't stand 90% of women who go out with me and expect me to pay for them (I am not talking about the first date, but subsequent dates as well). I end up paying but they are pretty much red flagged for a long-term relationship. If a woman is honest she will offer to pay and if she is going to a place invited that she can't afford, she should express that upfront. I met someone new last night for a coffee date. He didn't offer to pay for my coffee. Yet he invited me out for coffee. I thought that if a man is interested, he would want to pay to impress a lady. Am I wrong? I got that from the dating books. Although he made a good impression in other ways, I can not forget this. He asked me out again and I accepted by I'm not sure if it's such a good idea. SD P.S. I was gonna leave this forum but I'm back because I'd like to hear what others think about this. In my gut, it feels so wrong. Yet it's such a small thing, I think. Link to comment
Lamour detruit Posted October 6, 2011 Share Posted October 6, 2011 I feel sorry for any man dating the women on here who make a big deal out of this. It's not. It seems for many feminism only works when it is in favor of them and does not disadvantage them. Yes, he asked you for coffee, but it happens..it's only a first date, and a tiny thing such as coffee..if everything else is good, there is absolutely no reason not to see eachother again. Link to comment
tiredofvampires Posted October 6, 2011 Share Posted October 6, 2011 Women's lib happened decades ago and you won. That means women now are supposed to work and get to your pay your expenses. Equal rights remember? Still $.80 1.00 for women respectively. (at least in the U.S.) Just so you know. (But I'm one who counseled OP to date him.) Link to comment
quantumst8 Posted October 6, 2011 Share Posted October 6, 2011 Still $.80 1.00 for women respectively. (at least in the U.S.) But women are smaller on average so y'all need less food =) Link to comment
MrZod2012 Posted October 6, 2011 Share Posted October 6, 2011 No party has to pay, not even in a business environment, if you disclose upfront you split the bill. In my company we can no longer pay meals to avoid conflict of interests. Similarly, 8 out of 10 women i met via online dating last year likely went out for lunch or dinner in mind. Once i learned thf game now i go for coffee only at anytime of the day. First date is not a date really, it makes no sense pay and sit there watching someone eat for an hour if you have no connection. Some women online refuse to go out once i tell upfront i will not pay dinner, drinks, etc. It is a blessing get rid of that type early in the process. In my case i am financially stable and very generous. Link to comment
petite Posted October 6, 2011 Share Posted October 6, 2011 I don't think there is anything wrong with you paying for your own coffee, but I do find it odd that he asked what type of coffee you wanted, walked up with you to order and didn't offer to pay, that's a little weird. Since you seem to like each other enough to spend hours talking I don't see why you wouldn't go on a date. The comedy show is also fine, I don't really see a problem with him offering a ticket regardless whether he paid for it or not. When my fiance and I started dating he was invited to to the opening night of a restaurant by the owner and he told him he could bring a +1, the dinner, drinks and dessert were free for us. I see nothing wrong with that. I've used my frequent flyer points to buy tickets for him and myself and he has used his too on both of us. Very recently I was invited to a reality game show, we're not huge fans but a colleague is so I gave the tickets to her - she invited the guy she is dating to go with her. Apparently they had a great time, even though the tickets were free. Who cares? Link to comment
sadchick83 Posted October 6, 2011 Share Posted October 6, 2011 Some MENonline refuse to go out once i tell upfront i will not pay dinner, drinks, etc. It is a blessing get rid of that type early in the process. In my case i am financially stable and very generous. Let's insert men where woman once was, shall we? While I would not blatantly tell a man this, I feel the same way. No wonder the world is F'ed up! Oh and if a company was headhunting me for a job and expected me to cover the tab, I would laugh and leave. Link to comment
sophie274 Posted October 6, 2011 Share Posted October 6, 2011 I can't believe I missed this. Since when is "cheap" a horrible thing? have you seen the economy lately? It's going down the toilet? Would you rather have a guy who splurges on big things a lot and gets himself into debt or doesn't have many savings because he's always splurging? Give me a cheap guy ANY DAY. If I found out that he didn't use coupons on a date when he had them just because he wanted to "impress" me, I would think he's a bloody idiot. Newsflash: Financially secure men are that way BECAUSE they know how to manage money! And for many, that means being cheap! I do disagree with this a bit. First of all, there's a whole spectrum between being "cheap" and getting yourself into debt by splurging on big things. I would not want to date someone whom I considered cheap. Cheap doesn't mean that they are careful and judicious as to how they spend their money. Cheap means they have a tight grip on their money and are loath to spend it, and expend a whole lot of effort trying not to spend money - and do not have a generous bone in their body. Cheap means stingy, not financially cautious. For example, these are the habits of cheap people: complaining about prices and money incessantly, often leaving poor tips, not making gifts to charity or to others. My sister dated this guy who was extremely cheap, and he would talk incessantly about the cost of things, and also used tactics to save money that were unethical IMO (ex: refusing to take vacation days, charging his company for expenses that should have been personal), stiffing waiters on tips. It was jarring to hear him rant about the price of a chicken breast when he was making 300K a year. I could never date someone like that. And honestly, I would not want to date someone who was so short on money that every dollar spent was a headache for him - though I still believe cheapness/generosity is a personality trait that exists regardless of how much money one has. For example, I went on a handful of dates with a student when I had a job, and I would pay when we went out, but he came up with a bunch of super fun, low-cost dates that he would organize in a way that made me feel "treated" (making a super cute picnic, for example). Oh, and I don't think this guys seems cheap so far. I think everything he's done has been perfectly normal and fine (though asking what kind of coffee she wanted and then not treating was a bit off, perhaps it was a "what are you getting" kind of curiosity, not a big deal either way). Link to comment
Dusk1983 Posted October 6, 2011 Share Posted October 6, 2011 call me old fashioned[/i], but I prefer to reserve intimacy for someone that the course of time has allowed me to naturally and patiently develop real feelings for. First dates are just two strangers meeting--the desire to romanticize them seems to embody impatience. It's like wanting a college degree after the first semester or expecting a perfect physique after a week at the gym. There's so much good that can be said for patience when it comes to intimacy. If there's a free meal on the table, all of this goes out the window for most women. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted October 6, 2011 Share Posted October 6, 2011 If there's a free meal on the table, all of this goes out the window for most women. I typically didn't enjoy a meal or expect to enjoy a meal on a first date -too nervous. If I wanted to go to a fancy restaurant I either went with friends or by myself so I could enjoy my meal and relax. Often the first date was fun but I was still doing the "work" of getting to know this person and making a good impression - the food was secondary. I think I'm fairly typical on that. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted October 6, 2011 Share Posted October 6, 2011 No party has to pay, not even in a business environment, if you disclose upfront you split the bill. In my company we can no longer pay meals to avoid conflict of interests. Similarly, 8 out of 10 women i met via online dating last year likely went out for lunch or dinner in mind. Once i learned thf game now i go for coffee only at anytime of the day. First date is not a date really, it makes no sense pay and sit there watching someone eat for an hour if you have no connection. Some women online refuse to go out once i tell upfront i will not pay dinner, drinks, etc. It is a blessing get rid of that type early in the process. In my case i am financially stable and very generous. I wouldn't have declined because I wanted the free dinner or drinks but because your sharing that at that point would give me the impression that you were cynical and potentially cheap since I wouldn't have had any reference point or context. It would seem very cold and abrasive to bring that up unless the woman had asked to be taken to a fancy restaurant (which would also be rude/off-putting). I think it's fine to plan to meet for coffee and then not offer to treat and, in the context of getting to know the person, bring up the treating issue when it comes up naturally -if it comes up. Of course if you insist on a woman who is comfortable with that level of bluntness and assumptions about how she is going to behave on a date more power to you. Most people of reasonable sensitivity and who are looking for someone with good social skills likely would be put off whether or not they wanted to be treated. It's also telling the woman that you don't want to treat even if you take turns - is it all going to be splitting the bill for every single thing to avoid anyone spending a penny more than the other? Link to comment
annie24 Posted October 6, 2011 Share Posted October 6, 2011 I typically didn't enjoy a meal or expect to enjoy a meal on a first date -too nervous. If I wanted to go to a fancy restaurant I either went with friends or by myself so I could enjoy my meal and relax. Often the first date was fun but I was still doing the "work" of getting to know this person and making a good impression - the food was secondary. I think I'm fairly typical on that. Agreed - In addition, I want to point out that I have always been able to afford to feed myself. My motivation on dates was to get to know the man, not to get a free dinner. Link to comment
sadchick83 Posted October 6, 2011 Share Posted October 6, 2011 Maybe I'm the freak here (or just older), but if a guy invited me for dinner--his idea and didn't not pay, I would consider this unsexy. If he did treat for dinner, I would certainly treat for drinks at the next bar, or the cabs, etc. I also think this age sensitive issue. If any of you asked your parents (provided they are over 60) they would most likely say the man should pay. My girlfriends and I used to rationalize this by saying women had to buy make-up, clothes, beauty product to look great for a date. Men generally don't have this expense. I don't think anyone is wrong here, I think all of the arguments are based on personal experience and even the posters I disagree with have made some good points. Maybe its the economy that has suppressed the idea of treating someone. I miss the late 1990's when men would walk around bars with a tray of shots happy to pass them out to men or women.....ahh the good old days. Link to comment
im sandra dee Posted October 6, 2011 Author Share Posted October 6, 2011 I also think this age sensitive issue. If any of you asked your parents (provided they are over 60) they would most likely say the man should pay. My girlfriends and I used to rationalize this by saying women had to buy make-up, clothes, beauty product to look great for a date. Men generally don't have this expense. As a woman, sure, I have the expense of buying make-up, clothes and beauty products to look great for a date but I do that for me -- so I can feel good that I am making an effort to make a good impression. Just like I would for a job interview. Or even other events with family or friends. It's important to look great not just for a date. Not because a man pays. I'm not for sale, after all. Link to comment
PhilliesFan001 Posted October 6, 2011 Share Posted October 6, 2011 Not at all - my grandmother (72) would disagree wholeheartedly with all this. Sure, attitudes can be generational, but some people also know how to adapt and change with the times. Link to comment
Ariel85 Posted October 6, 2011 Share Posted October 6, 2011 For me, it's not about a sense of entitlement. It's about the simple manners of whomever invites someone on a date, pays. Period. If I invite a guy to dinner or a concert, then I plan on paying. If he invites me to coffee or Paris for the weekend, then he should pay. The expectation is that whomever arranges a date, plans something they can afford, and doesn't expect a stranger to go dutch at the last minute. It's really bad form and low character. I wouldn't date someone who invited me out, and then stuck me with a bill. Just not the kind of person I'd want around, as I detest cheap. Sandra - if I were you, I'd bring money to the comedy show. If his coupon is denied, you know he'll expect you to chip in. At the least, I'm sure he'll say since he paid for the tickets, you should buy the drinks. Wait for it... Link to comment
twentiesgirl86 Posted October 6, 2011 Share Posted October 6, 2011 I think you should go out again. For me, I've always found with coffee dates that I pay for myself, so that's just me I guess. I've always had a hard time wrapping my mind around letting a guy pay for me though, it's something I need to let happen, because I've blown dates because of it. You were late for your date though, and you're complaining that he wouldn't impress you by buying your coffee for you. Don't you think that you might have made a bad impression by being late? Edit: BTW I haven't read all the posts. I didn't realize there were 15 pages. Link to comment
im sandra dee Posted October 6, 2011 Author Share Posted October 6, 2011 It's no longer an issue for me. I am prepared to pay for my share when I am with him for a chance to get to know him. That way, if something develops I know it was his character not his money that influenced me. I don't need a man to take care of me. My thinking had been influenced by those stupid dating books I read. They aren't always right. Link to comment
im sandra dee Posted October 6, 2011 Author Share Posted October 6, 2011 He knows why I was late. I did not make a bad impression. Link to comment
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