im sandra dee Posted October 5, 2011 Author Share Posted October 5, 2011 Doesn't matter if he bought the tickets intending to go with his ex - if he's over her he won't be pining for her while he's there with you! It doesn't seem to me that he is pining for her at all. Link to comment
bulletproof Posted October 5, 2011 Share Posted October 5, 2011 The coffee nor the comedy ticket situation would bother me. It's irrelevant. You don't even know this person. Stop overanalyzing it. Link to comment
quantumst8 Posted October 5, 2011 Share Posted October 5, 2011 Oh, this brings back memories of my own over-analyzation when doing online coffee meet-ups. It's kind of awkward if you get there before she does because then you have two awkward options: 1) Not order anything and sit around feeling really awkward because you haven't ordered anything, hands wrapping on the table or maybe looking at your cell phone over and over just to give the impression you have something to do other than stare off into space 2) Order something, in which case she shows up and you've already ordered, so you have to wonder if you should sit and hold the table while she waits in line or whether you should go through the line with her and make a deliberate effort to pay for just her drink, which seems almost too intentional and proactive. Either way, it's freaking awkward. It actually got to the point where I'd just sit and wait in my car until the person I thought was her showed up and then I'd hop out like we both just got there at the same time. Of course I felt stupid doing that as well, but at least I was the only witness to the awkwardness in that case =) Link to comment
22n32 Posted October 5, 2011 Share Posted October 5, 2011 people seem to blow this outa proportaion.. its not about being cheap because u he didnt pay for 5 dollar coffee.. you were late, he didnt buy u one.. and when u went up to the counter he didnt offer because he fig u could buy your own coffee.. this could be flipped.. give u an example.. i once meet a girl for coffee and i offered her to buy her coffee, her respone was i can buy my own, but thank u.. i think he was unsure if he should offer or not.. he would rather avoid any problems that might come from it.. but people on here saying he doesnt offer to buy u coffee means he is cheap.. that is so crazzy way of thinking.. and goes to women thinking the have intiltlement to everything.. i would wait to make a judgement when he takes u to dinner and doesnt offer to pay or split it then.. even splitting it woulnt make him a cheap guy... i swear some women are so money hungry and there the ones cheap that they expect u to pay for dinner or coffee.. Link to comment
guynextdoor Posted October 5, 2011 Share Posted October 5, 2011 You should feel stupid only if you got caught doing it. Otherwise pretty smooth technique. Link to comment
im sandra dee Posted October 5, 2011 Author Share Posted October 5, 2011 Thanks for the input about the coffee thing and the comedy club tickets. I only have one other thing bugging me on my mind about this guy. When we talked on the phone, he asked me "what is your story?" because he wanted to know about my past relationships. I responded that I'm not comfortable talking about it and he immediately backed off, apologized and asked me to please forget that he even asked. Which I did, of course. Then after we met last night, we talked again on the phone. He said that he's intrigued and he hinted that he wants to know about my past but he doesn't want to pry. I don't want to tell him about my past because there is nothing to tell. I have never been in a long term relationship. I don't want to tell him that. If I do, I risk the chance to get to know him. This thing is bothering more than the coffee thing or comedy club tickets thing. Link to comment
im sandra dee Posted October 5, 2011 Author Share Posted October 5, 2011 I loved your post! LOL, you are so funny!! Link to comment
annie24 Posted October 5, 2011 Share Posted October 5, 2011 When we talked on the phone, he asked me "what is your story?" because he wanted to know about my past relationships. I'd just say you haven't found Mr. Right. Link to comment
WindowTo Posted October 5, 2011 Share Posted October 5, 2011 Earlier in the week a woman created a post about how she had to pay for a dinner date because the guy said that he left his wallet in his car... in the parking lot. That was total bs, because he is either incredibly lazy or a liar. This case I find ridiculous however. It doesn't even sound like this was an official date. I don't think getting coffee can even be considered a date so much as it is a getting to know you session to SEE if both parties even want things to get romantic. I have been on coffee dates in fact (and I always do pay) where it seemed like paying might actually make the woman uncomfortable because nobody had conveyed that much romantic intent yet. Women have fought for their rights and their financial earning power enables them to make a life for themselves without the reliance on a male for financial survival. So now,this idea that a man should pay for every stupid little thing that a woman purchases in his presence is related to one thing: a woman's emotional desire for a man to provide for her. The fact is that many men are perfectly happy to pay for things once it is clear where things are going. But at the end of the day there seems to be a real double standard on what women are allowed to demand of men vs. what men are allowed to demand of women. According to this standard, its perfectly fine for a woman to assume a man is cheap and not think that just maybe he is not sure how romantic things are or if it would make you uncomfortable or insult you or if it would just make it seem like he was trying too hard to impress you if he payed. Nope, without hearing really any detail beyond he didn't pay for my coffee "certain types" of users on enotalone flood the thread to rage at the man who did not pay for your 3.50$ coffee to chat over for the woman that was late to the date. If it sounds petty it probably is. God forbid that a man doesn't display his complete ability to inconvenience himself for the comfort and well being of the woman during their first chat over coffee. I guess if there were no double standard, then we would rage about a woman who turned down a man for sex after she ate the batch of chocolate covered strawberries that he made for her. For any of you that don't see the connection between sex to a man and money to a woman you are kidding yourself. It is simple: both are things that the other person wants that we are worried they could be using or abusing us for, therefore our behavior towards these things in a relationship are often compared. In reality I think the relationship is really commitment vs sex not money. Which is really why at the end of the day I find a woman judging a man for not paying for her 3.50 coffee after she was late and he had already bought his own is ridiculous. At least wait until he takes you out on a real date. Link to comment
im sandra dee Posted October 5, 2011 Author Share Posted October 5, 2011 I'd just say you haven't found Mr. Right. Are you saying that I should say that to him? I'm 42. Link to comment
Ariel85 Posted October 5, 2011 Share Posted October 5, 2011 Awesome. So, he didn't buy you a $3 cup of coffee on the first date, and now your second date involves him using a coupon. Link to comment
annie24 Posted October 5, 2011 Share Posted October 5, 2011 Are you saying that I should say that to him? I'm 42. well, what i mean is when a guy asks you that early on, i'd be more vague as opposed to giving more details. i don't think that the 'ex' conversations need to take place so early on. Link to comment
im sandra dee Posted October 5, 2011 Author Share Posted October 5, 2011 well, what i mean is when a guy asks you that early on, i'd be more vague as opposed to giving more details. i don't think that the 'ex' conversations need to take place so early on. agreed but I don't have an ex's Link to comment
CatsMeeoow Posted October 5, 2011 Share Posted October 5, 2011 I'm very active in paying my share when dating - I don't enjoy being so petty as to split 50/50 but if he bought dinner last time I'd buy dinner next time or I'd invite him out to a concert with tix on me or he buys dinner and I buy the theater tix, etc. But what sticks out in my mind is that "he invited you out" - I think that right there I would assume he was inviting me out to buy me a coffee and chat to get to know me. I would have been put off being expected to buy my own late or not due to traffic. This would bother me enough to probably not meet up again. Good luck with whatever you decided. Link to comment
tiredofvampires Posted October 5, 2011 Share Posted October 5, 2011 I realize that he could be cheap which is surprising because he told me that he is financially secure. Some of the cheapest people I know are the most financially secure. And the inverse. I'm sorry I've not read through the whole thread yet, but just so far, I'd say that nothing in his behavior yet would have offended me. The only thing I find weird is that he actually asked you what kind of coffee you'd like, went up with you to get it, then what -- just stood there? That's very strange. THAT is off-putting. Having ordered before you (since you weren't there) and just keeping a table while you get yours, fine. (I almost feel that coming late, I forfeit my being on the same tab.) Nice touch if he were to ask you what you'd like and offering to pay (that does impress me for generosity -- and then when [not if] I refuse, I hope that'll impress him for my not taking it for granted.) Saying he has comedy club tickets that are about to expire, fine. It shouldn't matter how he got them or why. Why shouldn't someone use a perfectly fine set of tickets for a good occasion? It remains to be seen if he's a tightwad. He may be, he may not be. And to what extent this asserts itself over time requires more interaction. My vote would be to give this more of a chance until you have a better sense of his overall orientation, attitudes, and how everything is balancing out. Link to comment
im sandra dee Posted October 5, 2011 Author Share Posted October 5, 2011 using air miles is not the same as a coupon. people!! Link to comment
bulletproof Posted October 5, 2011 Share Posted October 5, 2011 Again, enough with the overanalysis. He asked a question, realized it was rude and backed off. There is no reason to be talking about exes at this point. Completely pointless. And if the relationship does go far enough, just do as Annie suggested and say that you never met anyone you wanted to be with long-term. That's the truth, isn't it? Link to comment
Stay_home Posted October 5, 2011 Share Posted October 5, 2011 I thought that if a man is interested' date=' he would want to pay to impress a lady. Am I wrong? I got that from the dating books. [/quote'] This is the problem with the dating books, not everybody follows them. Link to comment
oldenoughtoknow Posted October 5, 2011 Share Posted October 5, 2011 Regardless of who asked who, it's becoming more and more common to split the check. Back in my dating days, I've had women become indignant when I tried to pay for everything. It's really tough to determine what's right in that arena, nowadays. Some people go out for drinks or dinner for a first date - that would be an amount worth talking about. Maybe he thought he might insult or demean you by offering to pay a few lousy bucks. Or maybe he is a cheapskate. I wouldn't make that determination based on a cup of coffee. Link to comment
CMS Posted October 5, 2011 Share Posted October 5, 2011 Ahhhh, he is cheap because he did not pay for coffee? hahahahaha. I never pay for my coffee date's coffee, and majority of the girls I went to coffee with loved that part of me because I assumed they are independent enough to pay for their own coffee. Regarding the part of "if a man likes you, he should try hard to impress you", that's anr antiquated notion, I feel secure enough that I dont need to impress you because I know I am impressive, I invite you to coffee so that I can see if you meet MY standards, my companionship and time worth more than what that cup of coffee. Link to comment
sadchick83 Posted October 5, 2011 Share Posted October 5, 2011 Wow, The opinions are really flying on this thread. This is hilarious. I agree with TiredofVampires. The most finically secure people sometime are secure because they mooch off others to get ahead. This so reminds me of getting headhunted for a job. I am more impressed by a company that takes the candidate for lunch rather than the company that "meets for a coffee." Coffee is only appropriate if you are meeting n the morning. Personally, if a guy wants to meet for a coffee on a first date, its already a bad sign. It's funny because the guys who make less money will often be the ones who insist on dinner. Some executive guy who I met in a park called me to meet for coffee some night- WHo drinks coffee before bed??? I was sitting on the fence with this guy, but that blew it. No thanks. I've gone out with labourers who suggest dinner--which is nicer IMO. SHould you go out with this guy again? Yes, I would give him one more chance. He might have been nervous, or whatever. Only go to the comedy night if you actually like comedy. Fora all we know he will "expect" you to pay for drinks/cabs, since he is covering the tickets. If you don't even like comedy, do something else. If he cheeps out on you again- Dunzo! I think the person who suggests and choses the outing is the one who should pay--male or female. Link to comment
Fringe Posted October 5, 2011 Share Posted October 5, 2011 If all he did wrong was not pay for your coffee, then I'd say that was a good date. If you do like this guy, then a small thing like not paying for coffee shouldn't stop you from going on a second date. Link to comment
quantumst8 Posted October 5, 2011 Share Posted October 5, 2011 In response to sadchick83, I'd say dinner is a good first date if you already know the other person IRL. But if you're meeting someone online that you've never met before, dinner is not a very good idea. Something quick and easy to see if there is real chemistry is best, and coffee fits the bill pretty well. Link to comment
Ariel85 Posted October 5, 2011 Share Posted October 5, 2011 using air miles is not the same as a coupon. people!! It's the same thing, hon. He has a freebie, coupon, award, reward - whatever you want to call it - he wants to use it up before it expires, rather than plan something fresh he thinks you would like. Would be different if he cashed in miles to take you to a show you said you wanted to see and he was otherwise broke, but this is you filling in so his tickets don't go to waste. Wouldn't impress me. Much. Link to comment
bulletproof Posted October 5, 2011 Share Posted October 5, 2011 In response to sadchick83, I'd say dinner is a good first date if you already know the other person IRL. But if you're meeting someone online that you've never met before, dinner is not a very good idea. Something quick and easy to see if there is real chemistry is best, and coffee fits the bill pretty well. I agree. Some people don't want to sit at dinner for an hour and a half with a stranger, and I can't say I blame them. Coffee can be ten minutes or 3 hours. Link to comment
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