OptomisticGirl Posted September 23, 2014 Author Share Posted September 23, 2014 Thank you ladies Link to comment
redrose85 Posted September 23, 2014 Share Posted September 23, 2014 Good luck today OG! Knock 'em dead! Link to comment
zentoCC Posted September 23, 2014 Share Posted September 23, 2014 Good luck! Is it for an Admin job? Link to comment
petite Posted September 23, 2014 Share Posted September 23, 2014 I hate to say this, and it isn't the same as marriage, but one of my ex's said that to me. It was the lamest BS. He actually said "You aren't like all the other ex's, we didn't break up because of cheating or lying and so on, it just didn't work out" I was shocked. I told him to go to hell. I know it isn't that simple when you're married, but damn it's so lame. There are a few things you can do to make your life easier and that is doing what is best for you. Whether that is contacting the INS (I would), getting a good lawyer (again best to let professionals deal with legal paperwork, I wouldn't trust anyone that wanted to divorce me), packing up all your stuff and if that means he goes without a couch or whatever else too bad. It's time to take care of you, and if that means walking over him so be it. We all know it's hard when someone we love hurts us, but if they loved us in the first place they would do everything in their power to help ease our pain and sooner rather than later. That ex I mentioned above, said to me "I still love you and I still care, but I'm not in-love with you". Hey fair enough, but don't say crap like "we don't know one day we can reintroduce ourselves" ?! This is also the perfect time to pamper yourself, I know money must be tight now without a job, but even if you can get box dye, and have your aunt color your hair then do it. Change your image, do something to take care of you. Did you ever want a shorter haircut? Do it, get your nails done, don't have to go to a salon, make a date with friends or just with your aunt, eat chocolate, cry, drink wine and paint your nails. Remember your responsibility is only to yourself right now. Have you read any books lately? There are some great ones books you can read, breakup/divorce or in general just books that can be helpful. It's called a beakup because it's broken The 5 love languages (really good!) the journey from abandonment to healing (this one is great too) Why men love b**ches (LOL) Forgive for love The ancient art of self healing Me before you The girl you left behind The kashmir shawl Things my girlfriend and I have argued about (funny) Room The Help Read, knit, crochet, do other various forms of art to keep your mind sharp and to help you concentrated on something else. Good luck on your interview. Link to comment
annie24 Posted September 23, 2014 Share Posted September 23, 2014 Yes great post. And just to re-iterate, his actions have shown that he is no longer looking out for you, he is looking out for himself. You cannot trust that he has your best interests at heart, which is why we are all telling you to see a lawyer ASAP. I don't know if you know shes2smart on this forum, but she's posted before that she's had to pay off her husband's ex-wife's debts! You can't trust L to do the right thing for you anymore, B. So please see a lawyer and protect yourself before you wind up in some financial or legal mess that will take years to fix. Link to comment
metrogirl Posted September 23, 2014 Share Posted September 23, 2014 I've been lurking and reading but not responding. I want to say I am very sorry this happened and I know there are no magic words to make you feel better but I do hope you will consider the advice given to you, if you haven't done so already. You need time to heal, time to reflect, just time for you. I love Petite's post, she is always so spot on with how to make a girl feel better. Absolutely do something nice for yourself, it doesn't have to be luxurious but it does have to be for you. I wish I could squeeze you tight and tell you that everything will be ok. Sounds so cliché' doesn't it? I do believe eventually you will be okay. You have shown a strength we don't get to see much of around here. I can only hope that one day should I ever find myself in a situation similar, that I have the poise and grace to handle it the way you have handled everything. MamaMet is so proud of you. Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted September 23, 2014 Author Share Posted September 23, 2014 Good luck! Is it for an Admin job? Unfortunately, no. It's for a plant position but it's a job. I'm still applying at admin places though. With 3 cats and an autoimmune disorder that requires medication every day I just can't be picky right now - if it pays, it pays. I hate to say this, and it isn't the same as marriage, but one of my ex's said that to me. It was the lamest BS. He actually said "You aren't like all the other ex's, we didn't break up because of cheating or lying and so on, it just didn't work out" I was shocked. I told him to go to hell. I know it isn't that simple when you're married, but damn it's so lame. There are a few things you can do to make your life easier and that is doing what is best for you. Whether that is contacting the INS (I would), getting a good lawyer (again best to let professionals deal with legal paperwork, I wouldn't trust anyone that wanted to divorce me), packing up all your stuff and if that means he goes without a couch or whatever else too bad. It's time to take care of you, and if that means walking over him so be it. We all know it's hard when someone we love hurts us, but if they loved us in the first place they would do everything in their power to help ease our pain and sooner rather than later. That ex I mentioned above, said to me "I still love you and I still care, but I'm not in-love with you". Hey fair enough, but don't say crap like "we don't know one day we can reintroduce ourselves" ?! This is also the perfect time to pamper yourself, I know money must be tight now without a job, but even if you can get box dye, and have your aunt color your hair then do it. Change your image, do something to take care of you. Did you ever want a shorter haircut? Do it, get your nails done, don't have to go to a salon, make a date with friends or just with your aunt, eat chocolate, cry, drink wine and paint your nails. Remember your responsibility is only to yourself right now. Have you read any books lately? There are some great ones books you can read, breakup/divorce or in general just books that can be helpful. It's called a beakup because it's broken The 5 love languages (really good!) the journey from abandonment to healing (this one is great too) Why men love b**ches (LOL) Forgive for love The ancient art of self healing Me before you The girl you left behind The kashmir shawl Things my girlfriend and I have argued about (funny) Room The Help Read, knit, crochet, do other various forms of art to keep your mind sharp and to help you concentrated on something else. Good luck on your interview. Petite, thank you for such a lovely post. Really. And I do plan on pampering myself soon! My hair is beyond need of a haircut but it's more than that - I'm thinking blonde highlights again. Thankfully my last gel manicure is still holding up through the heart break (haha) but that's next on the list. And I will check out a few of those books you listed. Thank you, again, for the kind words. I've been lurking and reading but not responding. I want to say I am very sorry this happened and I know there are no magic words to make you feel better but I do hope you will consider the advice given to you, if you haven't done so already. You need time to heal, time to reflect, just time for you. I love Petite's post, she is always so spot on with how to make a girl feel better. Absolutely do something nice for yourself, it doesn't have to be luxurious but it does have to be for you. I wish I could squeeze you tight and tell you that everything will be ok. Sounds so cliché' doesn't it? I do believe eventually you will be okay. You have shown a strength we don't get to see much of around here. I can only hope that one day should I ever find myself in a situation similar, that I have the poise and grace to handle it the way you have handled everything. MamaMet is so proud of you. Oh MamaMet... you know how to make a girl teary eyed. Everyone around me is saying I'm showing such strength, poise, grace, and maturity... and all I feel is a hot mess who bursts into tears at the sight of a stuffed elephant, haha. Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted September 23, 2014 Author Share Posted September 23, 2014 I just want my life back. Link to comment
annie24 Posted September 23, 2014 Share Posted September 23, 2014 i know, it's not fair. the upside is that sometimes, things happen for a reason and things may turn out better than if you were still with L. Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted September 23, 2014 Author Share Posted September 23, 2014 It's hard to see that right now. Logically I know that, logically I know I will get through this... but right now I just feel so damn broken. So unloveable, so just like giving up. I think I'll feel better once I get the remainder of my stuff with me, a job... I just learned something about a relative and my first instinct was to want to tell him. Link to comment
renaissancewoman101 Posted September 23, 2014 Share Posted September 23, 2014 Hugs to you again. You are NOT broken and NOT unloveable. L is the "broken" one since he didn't even give the marriage a chance. You have a lot to give to your friends, your family, and even to people on here. There is a very lucky guy out there waiting to meet you when the time is right. Link to comment
redrose85 Posted September 24, 2014 Share Posted September 24, 2014 The right guy too, not someone who is pretending to be the right guy. I’m so sorry this has happened to you OG. I see nothing but good things for you from here on in. Health-wise, job-wise, life-wise. Sending you lots of hugs (and zero stuffed elephants) Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted September 24, 2014 Author Share Posted September 24, 2014 See, that is what worries me Sherry. If everything that happened between me and L was real that means he was one of the good guys. And this still happened. How am I ever suppose to trust myself again? How can I tell the difference between a good guy and a bad guy? Because he was a good guy. He treated me the way I deserved to be treated.... and this still happened. Does that mean he's still a good guy who just didn't communicate? Was he a good guy who was met with an impossible, horrible situation and handled it horribly? Link to comment
redrose85 Posted September 24, 2014 Share Posted September 24, 2014 He didn’t treat you the way you deserve to be treated though, because in some corner of his mind, he saw the marriage as disposable, as impermanent. He wasn’t honest, with himself or with you. Your guy radar is not broken. This is out of the ordinary, completely shocking and I can see why you’d feel worried about your knowledge of “good vs. bad” but I think in time, you’ll see that there were subtle signs. Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted September 24, 2014 Author Share Posted September 24, 2014 The part of that causes me the most worry is when the marriage became disposable to him. He clearly didn't feel that way for a good portion of while he was here (by his own admission, if I can believe that). It was only since about mid-June that those feelings started creeping up on him. So I'm left with again up until mid-June he did right by me and then he had this personality shift. This weekend is going to be hard. My uncle and aunt are going out of town for their wedding anniversary so I'll be alone. That I'm not too worried about. I do tend to get more mopey if I'm not around people. Link to comment
petite Posted September 24, 2014 Share Posted September 24, 2014 It is quite possible he was feeling that way before June. I mean think back to when you've loved before, you don't just fall out of love within a few VERY short months. It is probably in your best interest right now to not believe anything he says. Honestly, if he cared about how this all would affect you he would have handled it differently. There just isn't any excuse to tell your wife you love her more and more with each passing day, then a month later say you don't. That's some really messed up stuff right there. It's always difficult at the beginning of the end, feelings and emotions are all over the place, you don't know what to think or believe. Perhaps once you get to that angry stage is when you will be like 'dude, you screwed up - badly'. I always go back to that awesome quote from Maya Angelou "When someone shows you who they are believe them; the first time." It just seems like he came to the US, with so much support from your family (helping you sponsor from memory - which is major ) and found a job at your work, and basically after a little while pulled the rug from under you. We've all seen you work hard at your job to get that admin role. I'd say this to anyone, if a man had any sort of decent character, he would have quit that job, and made sure to make your life easier. Heck, he'd already be on the first flight back home. He was on your turf and without you he'd have nothing in US. And, you're the one that has to start over. Damn, I'm angry for you. It's like, who does that? Why is he staying? As far as the weekend is concerned, you've got a few options. When you wake up have your coffee, breakfast, tea whatever you like, put your runners on and go for a walk, get some fresh air, being a book with you and enjoy nature. Make a picnic lunch outside or put on your favorite show and do some of your crafting. If you're not feeling up to it, learn a new craft, YouTube is your best friend when it comes to various forms of craft. If you feel like speaking to him ring a friend, post on here or my personal favorite compose emails but do not send. I can't tell you how many times I've composed emails to let things out and never sent. In the evening put on your favorite chic flick make some popcorn and indulge. Heck if all else fails watch The Notebook and cry your eyes out. I think I've seen that movie about 30+ times and cried every single time. It helps heal. Remember there are good guys out there. There are men that won't leave you or fall out of love, or give up on marriage after what seems like a really short amount of time. Marriage isn't disposable. You aren't disposable. You deserve better. You can have better. You will have better. Another thing I love about us humans is the ability to remember. Remember every fight you ever had and let that anger come, get angry and take all the power back. Link to comment
renaissancewoman101 Posted September 24, 2014 Share Posted September 24, 2014 I love Petite's suggestions. They are really spot on. A bit of self-pampering is always good. Do you have any friends who live nearby to your pseudo-family?? If so and they know about the situation, maybe meet up with them for some hangout time. Going for a walk or jog is a good idea. If your uncle is leaving behind the dogs while they go on their getaway, maybe you can take the dog for a walk. Good way to decompress and get some exercise in which will raise your endorphin levels. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted September 24, 2014 Share Posted September 24, 2014 Awwww honey as Petite said his thoughts are more than a few months old. I think when he moved to the US that is when it blew everything for him. And he couldn't take the difference between the fantasy in the reality. And the American South is completely and utterly different than Britain. I think the culture shock was too much for him. So these thoughts are more than a few months old. And he will lie and scream and say it's not true but really I think that's where it lays. And as petite said he saw you busting your biscuit to get that new job and then he screwed you over knowing all the while what he was going to do. I know you're still in love with him but please don't pander to him in this divorce. He had no qualms about giving you the big screw job. And he had no qualms about endangering your health when you had no insurance. I say screw em. You also collected most of the stuff even before he got there. He is getting the first boat he can back home so what the hell does he need anyway? Link to comment
hers Posted September 24, 2014 Share Posted September 24, 2014 B, use some of those mileage points you have saved up and come fly down and visit me for the weekend. Seriously. Link to comment
zentoCC Posted September 24, 2014 Share Posted September 24, 2014 ^^ That sounds like a great idea. I bet hers wouldn't let you mope all weekend. Link to comment
annie24 Posted September 24, 2014 Share Posted September 24, 2014 Great suggestions again by petite. I hope you can do some things you enjoy this weekend. And visiting hers would be a great idea as well, enjoy a fun girls' weekend. HUGS. You are very lovable and smart and warm and funny and nice, you will find love again. L did something very selfish, I'm just sorry that you have to deal with the consequences. Link to comment
Firiel Posted September 24, 2014 Share Posted September 24, 2014 I'm so sorry to hear this. Link to comment
annie24 Posted September 24, 2014 Share Posted September 24, 2014 The part of that causes me the most worry is when the marriage became disposable to him. He clearly didn't feel that way for a good portion of while he was here (by his own admission, if I can believe that). It was only since about mid-June that those feelings started creeping up on him. So I'm left with again up until mid-June he did right by me and then he had this personality shift. This weekend is going to be hard. My uncle and aunt are going out of town for their wedding anniversary so I'll be alone. That I'm not too worried about. I do tend to get more mopey if I'm not around people. Is that when you guys started seriously talking about getting pregnant? Some guys flip. Because a marriage you can escape, but not fatherhood. Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted September 24, 2014 Author Share Posted September 24, 2014 No, I completely agree with you on that Petite. And that is just what makes the entire situation so damn strange. I have tried going back in my head so I don't have to rely on his timeline 100%. I even went back through our text messages (which for some reason only go back to like Sept 3rd, before NY) and we weren't signing off our texts messages with an x, which we always did. But yes, he should have handled this differently. He has expressed regret for handling it the way he did but wudda cudda shoulda, ya know? I do know he screwed up badly... I just don't know why I can't get angry at him. I've tried, I've had little bursts of anger here and there but prolonged rage... nothing. Honestly, yesterday I had the longest bought of rage at him while I was applying for jobs because I loved my old job. I don't regret leaving because I know I would be no were near were I am now healing if I had lived and worked with him. There's just no way. And I am angry at him for the way he handled this which lead to me having to start over. I've told him, him staying is the only thing that makes logical sense in this whole situation. He has a job and house here - not a home as my aunt said, because a home is were you have someone you love at - and he doesn't have either of those back in the UK. I can understand why he would want to stay. I don't know if he will long term though. He texted me Sunday saying he had royally screwed up in how he handled the situation and that he wasn't sure of anything right now. I'll do just that this weekend, Petite. I admit I have been staying away from all romance things. I love the Sex and the City movie (the first one) and while I think that is an awesome example of how to handle a break up, the whole Hollywood happy-ending would just make me depressed. Or get my hopes up. Link to comment
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