Seriously, i'm not selfish and materialistic but......

[FortunateOne]

Great assessment and send him the text. You can always start a thread for us single folks to compare our Law & Order viewing club notes.

[Daligal83]

I think you should send him the text. It's not fair to keep him hanging like that. If he was doing it to you, I don't think you'd be very happy about it.

 

And honestly, if you have to think this hard about whether or not you want to see him again...then you don't really like him all that much. Which is fine and I think you have good reason for it. But if you have to go over it in your head so much, then the interest just isn't there.

[JeckyllNHyde]

agreed. i definitly think you should send a text.

if you feel like it tell him "you said you'd call and didn't." but i think it's a bit too blunt. he may think "we aren't even dating properly and already she seems demanding. (which your not! lol but he could interpret it that way, especially if something came up.)

i think you should just look elsewhere since you said you are looking for a certain type of guy, and so far he doesn't seem to fit the mold.

 

annie. to be honest if i weren't in a relationship at the moment.. i think i would also not really want to waste time with a guy unless i was really digging him and saw something in it for us. so i get what you mean.

 

p.s. is that a pic of barbie? lol.

[itsallgrand]

 

p.s. is that a pic of barbie? lol.

 

LOL. I was wondering the same thing, what the heck is that about?

 

It made me laugh anyways.

[annie24]

lol, just a little experiment on the avatar.......

 

and yes, i did send the guy the text, i said, 'thanks, but upon further thought, i don't think we are a match.' he texted me back 'thanks for your honesty, hope you find what you are looking for.'

[grymoire]

lol, just a little experiment on the avatar.......

 

and yes, i did send the guy the text, i said, 'thanks, but upon further thought, i don't think we are a match.' he texted me back 'thanks for your honesty, hope you find what you are looking for.'

 

did u see how decent he was in his reply?

 

that's why it is always good to just be honest to the man if you are not interested instead of not replying in the name of being nice and not wanting to hurt his feelings...

[Batya33]

did u see how decent he was in his reply?

 

that's why it is always good to just be honest to the man if you are not interested instead of not replying in the name of being nice and not wanting to hurt his feelings...

I think it depends on the situation - it often shows more compassion to not respond because I've always interpreted silence after an early date as disinterest, and if it's someone I don't know well I really don't care what the reason for the disinterest is unless I strongly believe I did something to offend inadvertently.

[Pegasus]

I think it depends on the situation - it often shows more compassion to not respond because I've always interpreted silence after an early date as disinterest, and if it's someone I don't know well I really don't care what the reason for the disinterest is unless I strongly believe I did something to offend inadvertently.

 

Maybe from a female standpoint but from my personal standpoint it's just disrespectful and cowardish. Silence is sign of disrespect (at least I was thought so by my parents), not disinterest but anyway - I live in another part of the world so things are probably different in US.

 

Oh wait, I dated a girl in US and she was very polite and mature so....NO it isn't THAT different.

[Daligal83]

I think that since he sent her a text, silence would have been rude. If he had never done that, it would be a different situation and silence would have been an option.

[Batya33]

I think that since he sent her a text, silence would have been rude. If he had never done that, it would be a different situation and silence would have been an option.

 

We can agree to disagree. After only one date if someone leaves me a voice mail or e-mail asking me out again, depending on the situation I found it sometimes more appropriate not to return the call and send the message of disinterest through silence. I always preferred silence if I wrote to someone after a first date and he wasn't interested in seeing me again. Also, texts are casual, the one who sends them knows they may or may not be received - not like he made a big effort to get in touch with her. If I read this wrong and he texted her twice, then perhaps she needed to respond to one so he didn't keep contacting her.

[Batya33]

Maybe from a female standpoint but from my personal standpoint it's just disrespectful and cowardish. Silence is sign of disrespect (at least I was thought so by my parents), not disinterest but anyway - I live in another part of the world so things are probably different in US.

 

Oh wait, I dated a girl in US and she was very polite and mature so....NO it isn't THAT different.

 

Like I wrote below, after only one date I prefer silence rather than an email or call explaining "why I am not asking you out again" especially the self-serving presumptuous "wow you are so great - the best! - but I'm just not feeling it". Same thing if I asked the person out or contacted him with a transparent "thank you" email.

 

From talking to people I know, they preferred not hearing from someone they barely knew in response to asking the person out for a first or second date rather than going through the awkward rejection call (awkward from the standpoint of the person being rejected). Obviously, if i knew the person before, if the date was unusually long or if I promised to call him after the date (which I wouldn't do if I wasn't interested, but if there was a question about that) then I would call.

 

After a few dates I would definitely call back to reject the person.

 

I don't find it gentlemanly in the least for a man to text a lady after only one date to ask her out again - especially in this case since he said he would call her. That's another reason why it's not necessary to respond - if the guy can't be bothered to pick up the phone and ask the person out again, and risk texts being lost/not received, I don't think it's obligatory to return a text.

[Anonybrit]

i dont ask for much, but i do expect to have my meal paid for when he takes me out. whats the point of taking me out if you dont have any money?

 

Ever heard of going dutch? Let me guess, you don't like women being treated like objects, you don't like women being stereotyped as unable to control their emotions but.. you like the gender role of having your meal paid for!!

[Crovax]

 

I don't find it gentlemanly in the least for a man to text a lady after only one date to ask her out again - especially in this case since he said he would call her. That's another reason why it's not necessary to respond - if the guy can't be bothered to pick up the phone and ask the person out again, and risk texts being lost/not received, I don't think it's obligatory to return a text.

 

I think your generational disconnect is showing here. I was talking to an older co-worker (30s) about this just the other day. He was texting his wife and remarked that he'd actually rather have an actual conversation. Yet for people my age and younger, texting is every bit as valid a form of communication as instant messaging or a phone call.

 

Anyway, I also have to agree with Pegasus that from a male perspective, I find silence as a very disrespectful and cowardly way out. I can understand why women do it, because a lot of men DO react badly to the truth. Personally, I'd rather they'd tell me rather than just disappearing one day. But whatever, I've gotten used to women never actually telling men what they want and expecting us to be mind readers as just something that comes with the territory. Yet we're the ones with the communication problems.

[Pegasus]

Ever heard of going dutch? Let me guess, you don't like women being treated like objects, you don't like women being stereotyped as unable to control their emotions but.. you like the gender role of having your meal paid for!!

 

See, that is true but it's male fault - we allowed them to become like that and now we have to face the consequences. It sucks but it's what we have now while they have best of both worlds.

[Batya33]

Nope - not a generational disconnect at all - my friends in their 30s and 40s also get asked out by text. I personally don't think it's appropriate if a man is sincerely interested in dating a lady. To confirm a plan or change the time, sure, why not - but to ask someone out for a first or second date, especially when you agreed to call? I find that impersonal and a turn off.

[annie24]

Ever heard of going dutch? Let me guess, you don't like women being treated like objects, you don't like women being stereotyped as unable to control their emotions but.. you like the gender role of having your meal paid for!!

 

I was thinking about this today. Equality is for the workplace, for friendships, etc.... I would never consider making a male friend pay for my meal, just because he is a guy. but dating really isn't about equality. in my mind, dating is about seeing if you have a potential future together. more of a spirit of generosity. when i am on a date, i want a guy to make me feel special, like a precious flower. sorry if that sounds corny. i don't want to have to feel like he is just my friend or coworker, by insisting i split the bill. Presumably, he is asking me on a date because he wants me to look at him as more than just a friend or coworker. He wants me to find him interesting above all other men, right?

 

being a PhD student - i'm limited on 2 major things - Time and Money. I only have so many free hours in a week, and i only have so much money. I also have other things going on in my life, like my dance lessons, my friends, exericising, etc.... I guess now, I'm not really willing to part with my time and money for just any old guy. Why should I give up my time to a man i barely know who is going to insist i split the bill? I'd probably be better off spending those 2 hours working on my dissertation, and then getting coffee with a friend afterwards (my treat, of course.)

 

I want to have a husband who will be warm and generous. I'd like to find a really good and loving and reliable man. Some of the questions that come into my mind are - "Will this man love and take care of me when I am at my worst, not just my best?" What if I fall ill with cancer? Will he drive me to chemo, clean the house? Or will he insist that i keep up my 50% share of the household and drive myself? Or when I am in remission, will he say to me, "I've been cleaning the house for the last 6 months, now it's your turn."

[annie24]

I think your generational disconnect is showing here. I was talking to an older co-worker (30s) about this just the other day. He was texting his wife and remarked that he'd actually rather have an actual conversation. Yet for people my age and younger, texting is every bit as valid a form of communication as instant messaging or a phone call.

 

For me, it's really not. I think texting is great for, "stuck in traffic, i'll be 20 minutes late to dinner." not really an appropriate way to conduct dating though, at least, not in my view. guys who rely on texting with me just don't get very far. Is it that much harder just to call?

[Daligal83]

I think people text in relationships because it's more comfortable. You take the time to think and type it out, edit it, etc. You don't have to hear their voices and they way they react, or see how they react. But that also leads to A LOT of miscommunications. Flirty texts are fun. But they cannot be the majority of the communication in a relationship. Any guys who texts me more than he calls me is going to lose my interest fast.

[Batya33]

I think people text in relationships because it's more comfortable. You take the time to think and type it out, edit it, etc. You don't have to hear their voices and they way they react, or see how they react. But that also leads to A LOT of miscommunications. Flirty texts are fun. But they cannot be the majority of the communication in a relationship. Any guys who texts me more than he calls me is going to lose my interest fast.

 

But they weren't in a relationship - he was trying to get a second date with her, who he just met and said he would call.

[Daligal83]

Oh yea I know. People had just brought up the concept of texting in relationships though, so I was adding to that. But I think the same applies to people just starting to talk or date. I see it all the time. People get nervous and it's easier to send a text and read the response than actually hear it.

[Batya33]

Oh yea I know. People had just brought up the concept of texting in relationships though, so I was adding to that. But I think the same applies to people just starting to talk or date. I see it all the time. People get nervous and it's easier to send a text and read the response than actually hear it.

 

Too bad. I got nervous too about calling in the dark ages, pre-e-mail but I managed to do it.

[Daligal83]

I completely agree. I always tell my friends to call rather than text. Texting is good for casual flirting or quick little messages...not whole conversations.

[Crovax]

Nope - not a generational disconnect at all - my friends in their 30s and 40s also get asked out by text. I personally don't think it's appropriate if a man is sincerely interested in dating a lady. To confirm a plan or change the time, sure, why not - but to ask someone out for a first or second date, especially when you agreed to call? I find that impersonal and a turn off.

 

Ok, then this is your personal preference. Please don't act like it is some universal truth that comes from on high. I was merely pointing out that different people prefer to communicate in different ways. I still stand by that. I chose age because it is most visible when dealing with the adoption of new technologies. the main point of my argument was that using "it was a text," as an excuse not to reply is a cop out.

 

I truly think that people would be better served by being honest with their desires. Just acknowledge that you're doing X because you want to, rather than coming up with some elaborate justification. But, whatever helps you sleep at night-- and that's all this is, a way of justifying your actions to yourself.

 

This whole discussion makes me think about when the telephone was first widely introduced. I wonder if back then there were women who felt that a guy had to talk to a woman in person if he was sincerely interested in courting her, and that the telephone was impersonal.

[annie24]

yes, not texting is my personal preference. i think it shows no real effort, and i'd expect a man in his 30s to be able to pick up the phone and call if he has something to say. but, yes, that is me. hahaha, back in my day, not everyone had cell phones in high school or college, so texting wasn't an issue until now.

 

This whole discussion makes me think about when the telephone was first widely introduced. I wonder if back then there were women who felt that a guy had to talk to a woman in person if he was sincerely interested in courting her, and that the telephone was impersonal.

 

hahaha, yah probably! though if a guy randomly showed up at my door now, i'd probably think he was a stalker!

[JadedStar]

Texting to ask someone out on a date is a cop out and generally viewed as lack of real interest. This my friend is ageless. Some girls, young or old, might not mind being asked that way but that doesn't make it less tacky and a show of little effort.

 

An email is even more formal than a text. Texts really should be for very informal messages. It is SO easy to misconstrue meaning with short little texts that also are full of netspeak most of the time. If a girl (or guy) is really worth dating and you really like them there is no sense risking her or he misconstruig a text.

 

You think i am not correct, then read the hundreds of threads on these forums from people just starting to go out with someone and how confused they are with the meaning of some texts, asking "what did this mean" or "did he just ask me out on a date". Why risk confusing the girl if you really like her. Pick up the damn phone i say.