Seriously, i'm not selfish and materialistic but......

[annie24]

yes, like the 34 year old who texted me on monday afternoon (labor day), 'hi - how are you?' actually, i wound up having a very long and interesting weekend, and had a lot more to say than just 'good.' i was wondering why he would text me on a holiday instead of calling and asking how i am doing? texting, you are so limited by space, what you can say, you can't really express yourself. just wondering why he would think it was a good idea to text me instead of calling and asking how i am doing. he might have not wanted to interrupt me if i was at a bbq or something, but if i am busy, i put my phone on silent so i don't bother anyone. sigh.

 

i texted with the previous florist bf, but in spanish, because i was practicing my spanish, and it's easier for me to take 5 minutes to compose 1 text, than to try to call him and have a conversation in spanish.

[annie24]

i've been dating guys who have been crappy to me for so long, i've forgotten what it is that i AM really looking for. i've been thinking about that for a few days now.

 

he has to be adventerous, someone who wants to travel the world with me. optimally, he speaks a few languages, or at least wants to learn. he and i would go backpacking through asia together for a few months and see the sights. he's got to be smart, preferably with a formal education. he has to have balls. as in, asking me out directly, being straight with me, none of this too shy to pick up the phone crap. he has to be financially together enough to be able to travel with me. he has to be respectful, kind, and loyal. he should have an appreciation for the arts, whether it be painting, music, or dance. a man who does what he says he will do. he has to be fun and sociable. oh, and he needs to adore me and be affectionate. i'd love it if he was super sexy too. like 6 foot at least, toned, maybe longish black hair, like some argentinian god.... mmmmm.....

 

sigh. i think i'll be single for a while waiting for this guy to pop up......

 

PS - if any of you happen to know this guy ^^^^^, PU-LEASE give him my contact information!

[JadedStar]

Annie i don't really get the feel that you are looking for a rich guy as much as you are just looking for a decent guy who won't expect you to foot all the bills and do all the work.

 

. oh, and he needs to adore me and be affectionate. i'd love it if he was super sexy too. like 6 foot at least, toned, maybe longish black hair, like some argentinian god.... mmmmm.....

 

It's THIS part that makes you superficial.

 

HA HA HA HA! Kidding. LOL

[annie24]

Haha, i swear i am not shallow! just wanted to point out, if my Argentinian god has all of those qualities, i would not care if he has a small penis! (to cross-reference the half a million threads on here asking if women care if their guy has a small penis.)

[Siriana]

Haha, i swear i am not shallow! just wanted to point out, if my Argentinian god has all of those qualities, i would not care if he has a small penis! (to cross-reference the half a million threads on here asking if women care if their guy has a small penis.)

 

looooooooooool

while we're at physical demands I wish i were like 19 and by bf looked like my avatar.

if possible with big penis ;-)

[JadedStar]

looooooooooool

while we're at physical demands I wish i were like 19 and by bf looked like my avatar.

 

Hmm. YOu wish you were "like" 19? I thought you were 19 reading that. LMAO

 

Like Oh my god! LOL

[Siriana]

Hmm. YOu wish you were "like" 19? I thought you were 19 reading that. LMAO

 

Like Oh my god! LOL

 

hehehehehehe

I felt like I was 19 while daydreaming about this lol

And I have a problem - my mom doesn't like my avy bf. What should I do? (goes to make a thread about it titled I hate my mom

[FortunateOne]

Darn! So close and yet so far to being that manly God you all want. I guess I'll just keep on going forward with my great attributes.

[JadedStar]

Darn! So close and yet so far to being that manly God you all want. I guess I'll just keep on going forward with my great attributes.

 

Plough ahead man! Don't look into the light or give into these women looking for the manly God's. LOL

 

Shh, don't tell this secret - some of them actually want a brain!

[Crovax]

Texting to ask someone out on a date is a cop out and generally viewed as lack of real interest. This my friend is ageless. Some girls, young or old, might not mind being asked that way but that doesn't make it less tacky and a show of little effort.

 

An email is even more formal than a text. Texts really should be for very informal messages. It is SO easy to misconstrue meaning with short little texts that also are full of netspeak most of the time. If a girl (or guy) is really worth dating and you really like them there is no sense risking her or he misconstruig a text.

 

It is funny that you should try to use e-mail as your counterexample. It wasn't that long ago that e-mail was considered too informal compared to a written letter or phone call. If anything its widespread adoption in the last decade proves my point. Social mores change with the advancement of technology. It wouldn't surprise me in the least if texting was embraced in the same way as e-mail and the telephone within the next 15 years (have you seen how much today's teenagers text?).

 

It does indeed come down to personal preference. All I am saying is that these "rules" are not as black and white as everyone is trying to make it seem. The very nature of communication evolves alongside the methods of communication people have access to. People's preferences are a function of their level of adaptation to these new methods. Thus, not everyone is on the same page at all times. Some people have wholeheartedly embraced texting, while others haven't yet accepted e-mail. It isn't always a personal affront. Isn't discovering other people's habits part of getting to know them? Or has getting to know a person been totally subverted by wanting to be swept off your feet?

[Batya33]

Nothing JS wrote was black and white. Of course personal preference plays a role but in any etiquette situation you also look at what is appropriate generally - in your community, in the world, whatever. You are right that 7 years ago I hated being asked out over e-mail and these days while not preferable it's "Ok". In general, texting these days between adults over 25 to ask for a first or second date - at least in the major city i live in, is too informal and impersonal and doesn't make the lady feel the least bit special. And in this case no matter what it was rude because the man promised to call her at a specific time.

[JadedStar]

I said email is better than text but didn't i still say pick up the phone and call? EMAIL is still not a preferred but is a bit more formal than a text. You can really elaborate more in an email whereas a text is short netspeak and no wants to give or receive a gettysberg address in text format.

 

If a guy's habits is that he can't be courteous enough to call to ask a girl out on a date then he shouldn't be surprised when she says no thanks.

 

One thing I don't think you can argue with that I said is that if the girl is worth asking out she is worth the effort to ask her out in a manner she won't misconstrue or leave her confused, or leave her feeling that she isn't worth any effort. Man why would you risk that even at a small chance? If you don't mind the risk, text your little fingers off. LOL

[flatwater]

If you're wanting a more formal dynamic in dating, more traditional - you have to be a more traditional and formal type of woman.

 

Don't date people who are in your same educational situation, or people who are in lesser positions professionally that you aspire to hold.

 

Don't affiliate with people you don't wish to become like - by association.

 

This offering to help "pay" for dates so that you have a date...is what is doing you in.

 

Ex: the guy that you offered to split the pizza with, that let you pick the restaurant. He could have, probably had, checked the restuarant prices when you picked the location. He didn't call and suggest otherwise. You got there, you are so desperate to be included and dated, that you want him to be able to afford to get with you again - so you're splitting the bill. He tells you that his culture isn't of that sort....and you still persist. so you have set the tone of you're going to be "equal" in contribution in the relationship - in short, there is no bond between you to build. This is two people who when they have nothing better to do will get together, split the dinner bill, and possibly have a round of sex to work off the calories.

 

If you find yourself dating someone who has concerns or issues with the expense - stop dating them. They can't afford to date you in the way you want to be dated.

[Crovax]

If a guy's habits is that he can't be courteous enough to call to ask a girl out on a date then he shouldn't be surprised when she says no thanks.

 

One thing I don't think you can argue with that I said is that if the girl is worth asking out she is worth the effort to ask her out in a manner she won't misconstrue or leave her confused, or leave her feeling that she isn't worth any effort. Man why would you risk that even at a small chance? If you don't mind the risk, text your little fingers out. LOL

 

No need to make this personal JS. I only initially posted because I disagreed with Batya's suggestion that annie's guy didn't merit a response because it was in the form of a text. My goal was to point out that what is acceptable varies from person to person and changes over time. There are no hard and fast rules.

 

For instance, in annie's scenario, I would've taken more offense to the fact that he didn't communicate when he said he would. That kind of unreliability and flakiness really gets on my nerves. Yet, I know a lot of people that would consider that no big deal.

 

It seems that the common theme throughout this thread is that above anything else, women need to be made to feel special. That can take the form of everything from paying for dates to the method of communication chosen. Any other justification is superfluous--at the core that is really all it is ever about.

 

Thanks everyone for the great debate, I enjoyed it.

[JadedStar]

Not sure how I made it personal. I just added one point that probably could be agreed upon by everyone in an attempt to tone down the debate.

[annie24]

Ex: the guy that you offered to split the pizza with, that let you pick the restaurant. He could have, probably had, checked the restuarant prices when you picked the location. He didn't call and suggest otherwise. You got there, you are so desperate to be included and dated, that you want him to be able to afford to get with you again - so you're splitting the bill. He tells you that his culture isn't of that sort....and you still persist. so you have set the tone of you're going to be "equal" in contribution in the relationship - in short, there is no bond between you to build. This is two people who when they have nothing better to do will get together, split the dinner bill, and possibly have a round of sex to work off the calories.

 

definitely food for thought. if i could do it over again, i probably would have handled that different, maybe walking up and down the block, looking at all the menus, and then i probably would have ordered the pasta dish i wanted instead of splitting the tab. and then after his speech on 'men taking care of their gfs' in his country, i wouldn't have offered to split. yeah, hindsight is 20/20...... good things to think about for next time.... so this doesn't happen again!

[SupaflyTNT]

I was reading this post and thinking about all the dates I've asked women on. You know what? I've never, ever had a woman pay for a date. They always ask, of course, but I never accept and I always thought it would just be plain rude of me to ask a woman out and then have her pay. Even if I know the relationship isn't going to progress past that first date or so, I still pay.

 

By the way, I'm tall, dark and handsome, I have a great job and I'm single....bring it on ladies.

 

Lol, no but seriously, sometimes I wonder about these stories I read on eNA and I can't believe there are people like this out there.

[JadedStar]

I was reading this post and thinking about all the dates I've asked women on. You know what? I've never, ever had a woman pay for a date. They always ask, of course, but I never accept and I always thought it would just be plain rude of me to ask a woman out and then have her pay. Even if I know the relationship isn't going to progress past that first date or so, I still pay.

 

By the way, I'm tall, dark and handsome, I have a great job and I'm single....bring it on ladies.

 

Lol, no but seriously, sometimes I wonder about these stories I read on eNA and I can't believe there are people like this out there.

 

To be honest i have never run accross a guy who didn't insist on paying either. Now granted i have not been on hundreds of dates. I have been married more than i haven't, but i have been on several other dates too but never has the guy seemed to allude that i should pay.

[annie24]

To be honest i have never run accross a guy who didn't insist on paying either. Now granted i have not been on hundreds of dates. I have been married more than i haven't, but i have been on several other dates too but never has the guy seemed to allude that i should pay.

 

some of the guys i've dated have been like that, while others definitely don't mind me splitting half the time. hm. how do i get these guys? i dunno. i am very used to having to be 'equal and competent' in my field, maybe i forget to let the more 'traditional gender roles' part of me show? also, something that i haven't mentioned earlier, i did inherit some money and i bought a condo with that money. i dunno - maybe some guys just think i am rich. and in fairness, i guess i am not all that destitute for a grad student, but still.... i don't typically bring up that i bought my own place, unless they ask me if i rent or own. i can see how if a guy thinks i'm rich, he'll just let me split.

[SupaflyTNT]

To be honest i have never run accross a guy who didn't insist on paying either. Now granted i have not been on hundreds of dates. I have been married more than i haven't, but i have been on several other dates too but never has the guy seemed to allude that i should pay.

 

I like how he saw the bill and his eyes bulged out of his head. I can't believe he did that. I would have had the willpower to suck it up and slam my credit card down with authority. Then I would have looked up at annie and said, "Why is this restaurant so cheap? I thought you said we were going to a nice place."

 

Lol

[SupaflyTNT]

some of the guys i've dated have been like that, while others definitely don't mind me splitting half the time. hm. how do i get these guys? i dunno. i am very used to having to be 'equal and competent' in my field, maybe i forget to let the more 'traditional gender roles' part of me show? also, something that i haven't mentioned earlier, i did inherit some money and i bought a condo with that money. i dunno - maybe some guys just think i am rich. and in fairness, i guess i am not all that destitute for a grad student, but still.... i don't typically bring up that i bought my own place, unless they ask me if i rent or own. i can see how if a guy thinks i'm rich, he'll just let me split.

 

I don't care if she's rich or poor, she's not paying. I think my mother burned these damn habits into my brain, I can't get rid of them, heh.

[annie24]

I don't care if she's rich or poor, she's not paying. I think my mother burned these damn habits into my brain, I can't get rid of them, heh.

 

you know, my mother always used to tell me that men expect sex if you let them pay for dinner, so you should always pay your own way.

 

even growing up, i knew my mother was full of crap like this. sigh. though i always knew that she was lying, i wonder if somehow it subconsciously sunk in?!?!?

 

nah.... it's really i just feel badly if i think i am making a guy broke by taking me out..... but i need to cut that thinking out. obviously, if he asked me out, he should be prepared to pay the cost of the date he asked me out on.....

[SupaflyTNT]

you know, my mother always used to tell me that men expect sex if you let them pay for dinner, so you should always pay your own way.

 

even growing up, i knew my mother was full of crap like this. sigh. though i always knew that she was lying, i wonder if somehow it subconsciously sunk in?!?!?

 

nah.... it's really i just feel badly if i think i am making a guy broke by taking me out..... but i need to cut that thinking out. obviously, if he asked me out, he should be prepared to pay the cost of the date he asked me out on.....

 

Christ, it's a date. It's not like he's got another monthly car bill or something. I always plan dates so I know I can afford what we're doing. If I can afford an expensive date then that's what I'll do. I mean, I want her to enjoy herself but I like enjoying myself also.

[Batya33]

On a first meet I went on we met for coffee and dessert. The bill was about $25. I offered to pay my share since it was a first meet. He "misheard" me and said "oh that's great, I LOVE to be pampered!" Um, no way. I said "I meant my share, not treat". That was the last date (yes, he asked me out again).

[karvala]

On a first meet I went on we met for coffee and dessert. The bill was about $25. I offered to pay my share since it was a first meet. He "misheard" me and said "oh that's great, I LOVE to be pampered!" Um, no way. I said "I meant my share, not treat". That was the last date (yes, he asked me out again).

 

LMAO. I think that guy deserves a medal.