BlkLagoon

You were right! heh... Luckily the archive thing was disabled anyway, so there's nothing there to look at. I did, however, decide to look at each profile.. only one sort of worried me, the rest, who knows. I think he just doesn't care about deleting the names, as he never is on the service... maybe once in a while on my request. I noticed he took himself off of a meeting site as well after we met... so I guess things are on the level. It's just a scary time right now as things are undefined and up in the air.. I'm grasping for security or a way out to avoid these feelings.

The guy I'm currently involved with lives in another country, and we're trying to make things work. He'll be back next month to visit. My problem is basically that I have too much time on my hands at work-- today I was sitting here and thought, what if I decided to log onto one of his IM services with the password I think it might be- IT WAS the right password, oh no! There I was logged on, and saw he had about 10 names listed- all girl screen names, all signed off. I kind of froze... then thought, if I wanted, I could look at his past conversations in the archives- when this thought crossed my mind, I signed off. I'm an idiot! I don't know why I would want to do this, but there's something in me urging me to try and find out more- to "make sure" there's no one else. But I'd be totall violating his privacy, and if he somehow found out he'd think I was scary- and I know it's terrible! But there's a part of me afraid I might suddenly do it anyway out of some "need" to know. Help! I don't want to be that kind of woman. I know that on my IM archives, there are old conversations with other guys on there I wouldn't want him to see.

Thanks to both of you for this sound advice- it has helped me calm down about it all! I explained a little bit to him how I was feeling and his reply was -I understand about all this hun I really do, it's such a difficult situation though it's hard to judge it - or compare it, or anything it! It's new ground for me so I'm not too sure what's expected, but I know what you mean, I miss you as well.-[/i] I told him I'd take it more by day and keep positive, and that he was doing everything fine.... I think as long as I stay in this frame of mind, it should be alright. I know I can't steer it in any direction if it's not headed there! I have an urge to try and ensure he won't date anyone else, and will keep things up between us, but I guess I should continue to let him decide what he decides without any pushing/questioning/flipping out.

I'm embarking on another LDR- this will be the 1st time for the guy. He lives in another country. We had met online, then he came here for 2 weeks- it was great! There was one strange thing, though- we had a serious talk about how things are in an LDR and I said how hard it is... especially when people have sex- this leads to more emotions. So, he made sure it didn't happen! He explained it was in order to protect my feelings and his own. However, he returned home and had all those feelings anyway, as did I. We decided next time he's here (in two months) we're going to throw caution to the wind (meaning, go ahead with sex... we were physical but just not that). In the meantime, my issue is- he's still not 100% sure of what we're doing- he simply says he takes it day by day. He explained he was depressed when he got home, but now is back to "normal" with life and finds the whole thing a bit weird, but seems to be fine (communicates with me often and listens to me). It just makes me feel a sort of desperation because I feel certain about "us". It scares/worries me that I have to wait for him to really -know-, while I am all gung-ho about it already. I don't want to push him away, and yet it's hard not to get a definite answer... what I'd want to hear is "yes, we will make this work!" Instead I get "Next time we'll give in! and then go from there." Am I just being impatient? Should I relax and try to match his attitude? It's hard enough not knowing the status of a relationship when it's not an LDR...

Ha.. I did date/live with a computer engineer once- he was the one bf that did cheat on me! I'm attracted to men that work in this industry (I'm a make-up artist)- I'm drawn to their creativity, skills/ability... with this guy, it was just an instant attraction and now we're heading forward & giving things a try. I don't want to have to compromise what I'm attracted to. I like everything else about what he does as an actor and really enjoy working with him and seeing his work- I support what he does and he supports me.... but I know there are always going to be times when there's some love scene happening, and this is the one thing I foresee as a problem (for me), but not worth totally giving up over. We get along incredibly! I think it'd be natural for him to sometimes like doing love scenes to some degree, and that would hurt me. However, I'm trying to figure out how to get over that and realize it doesn't mean anything will come of it... it's more important to me to try and overcome that than to decided I -can't- be that type of woman. When the jealousy emerges, I tend to take it out on the guy and not address my weakness. I have had this problem with other men-- musicians. haha Well I probably wouldn't be drawn a guy without an interesting career.... I don't like always being on edge about other women... but I can't go the computer engineer route.

I think it's possible to totally fall out of love with someone you really did love completely... but it's generally not -out of the blue-. Sometimes it can happen very quickly- everyone's different and feels things differently... no matter how it happened or why or how quickly, one thing's for sure- you can't really do much about it!

Wow, you're in for a lot more questions like this- of which aren't even answerable. If I were you, I'd ask myself what the heck I was doing with a married man, that's the real issue! Do you really want to always keep on your toes about hiding? And worrying? If you want to know if his wife knows, ask him.

"he was scared if he started being around me a lot that he'd want to get back together even though right now he doesnt want that at this time." You answered your own question! So now I think you're just analyzing it too much. Maybe after he feels like there's no possibilty spending time/talking will lead to emotions, he'll be able to go back to hanging out. But I don't think it's any more complicated than that. He probably thought that day together and the communication afterwards felt like you two were getting back together rather than just being friends so he decided to cool it down. All you can do is respect his space, and maybe he'll come back around- but you can't expect anything more from him on a "just friend" level.

I've met a genuinely caring, sweet guy who I don't think would really be the cheating type. However, he works as an actor, and this causes me to have a lot of issues with jealousy. The last boyfriend I had was also an actor for a living, and my jealousy with him and women became so crazy that the relationship went fast down the drain because of it. The new guy is a lot more open to communication, and I feel like he's more trustworthy than any guy I've met so far... but the same issues are coming back. He occasionally has roles where there's kissing involved with an actress- and it's very hard for me to put it in my head that it's only acting. I find it a threat automatically. If I don't figure out a way to squash this reaction in my head, I just know it will lead to major problems that he shouldn't have to deal with. How can I stop the irrational thoughts from coming back? I hide them now, so he has no idea.... it's too early on in the relationship to have a talk with him, and I don't want to scare him away.

I'm currently working on a project with a team of people. There's two men involved of which I have a personal issue with, and it's hard to deal with, with the fact that there's work to be done. One guy I am friends with, and the other I am interested in (and the feeling's mutual)- he doesn't live here, and we've been carrying on through emails so nothing has happened between us yet- but I suspect it will when he arrives to work with us in a few weeks. He will be staying with me for 2 weeks, and we'll see how it goes. The complication is that guy who is the friend has recently explained to me that he has strong feelings towards me, wants to become involved with me beyond the friendship, and would be crushed if he found out I was with anyone else. It's not very possible to come out and say what's happening with me and the other guy at this time- because we're all trying to work together on the same project, and must all get along well the entire time. I know if he found out about us, he might end up ruining the project, or cause a ton of tension otherwise- and it would effect everyone else on the project. I can't jeopardize that. I also don't want to lie and feel like I'm "sneaking around" with the guy I'm interested in during his visit. The friend is a very emotional person, nearly unstable, and admittedly doesn't handle rejection well. I want to be honest, but I don't know how to say the right words that won't make things worse... and when to even say them. Any idea where to begin?

Thank you to everyone for your words- this does help even though it's very early in the process of taking care of the situation. I still am not letting go enough at this point, and know it will take a while. What is making it especially difficult to do so now is the fact that he was the one to initiate silence, he won't talk to me, he left things totally open-ended- not knowing when or if he will say anything makes me feel desperate and I start to question myself. It's a whole cycle. His ignoring me makes me need answers. Irrational as it may be.

I wish I had a problem this minor! You really shouldn't even worry about it and dwell on it so much. If a guy who watches porn (most of them) is someone you cannot be with for moral reasons or religious reasons- then maybe decided to get out of the relationship. Only under those circumstances do I think it's worth it. Otherwise- if it's because you feel jealous or unable to cope with the fact that he's able to get turned on by some porn actress (who is NOT even a threat to a relationship in reality)- then you are the one with a problem, not him. Yeah, he may be telling the truth, and he may be lying- you'll never know. Either way, he wants you to not worry about it. It's not something he did (if he was watching it) to hurt you! It's just a normal thing for a person, male or female, to occasionally indulge in. Some guys don't like it, most girls don't care for it- but you have to compromise sometimes about things that are not really ruining the relationship. He didn't cheat. There's no "other" woman. He tried to protect your feelings. I think he would appreciate it more if you wouldn't lay any rules on him that are so trivial. You're making porn a forbidden act- and this might make him want to watch it rather than not! hehe Really, think about your priorities here. If his watching something steamy on TV because you were not there at the time REALLY, REALLY hurts you for serious reasons, then think about who it is you're looking for. And good luck because it's kind of hard to find someone who fits a perfect mold.

I met my boyfriend (who lives in another state) when I was 23. He is about twice my age. For 4 years things went from exciting and fun to miserable and boring. I blew up at him one day and he disappeared, stopped contacting me- for months. We didn't talk for 9 months, then last year we got back "together". It started out a lot better- he finally started to talk about us living together, about his feelings for me, about how much he wanted things to work this time. It did for a while. But this month, I had to stop and think and sort of stopped communicating for a couple weeks. Not entirely, but I was feeling differently and he knew it. So, I finally asked him when he wanted to take the next step... I told him how tired I felt with waiting.. I told him I just needed a plan of action and I'd feel better- it didn't have to be immediate, but I did need to know. He said he would be moving closer to me this year (for his work) and maybe that would help with us. Then he stopped talking. I asked why and he sent an angry email on Saturday telling me that I expected him to answer me right away after not talking for a couple weeks very much. That's the last I've heard from him. He has shut off before without bothering to say why or for how long he plans to be absent. Anyway... I feel like it's not my fault and that he is very scared about taking the next step- even just talking about it seriously. He didn't want to even conceptualize it yet, and was surprised I even asked. So... I -know- that this isn't going to work. He's stubborn, stuck in his ways, and cannot move forward with me after all these years. Being 28 now, I'm not feeling very patient anymore. When I'm in my 40's and 50's, the guy will be in Depends. There's always been a lot of problems, he's very controlling, very unsupportive, very self-absorbed, very guarded of his emotions. I need to get out- but I am scared and I love this man very much. I'm sort of addicted to the relationship. But it's incredibly unhealthy. I've had anxiety attacks, I've felt suicidal, he makes me feel like nothing. I need to find the strength to leave when I emotionally don't want to. My mind is so conflicted with my heart. Can someone help boost me in the right direction? I know there's no hope to save the relationship and that I've wasted so much time.

I'm 28, met my boyfriend(?) 5 years ago. He is 23 years older than me. We live in separate states- had a long distance relationship for 4 years, then there was an argument (I was jealous over nothing) and he completely stopped communicating with me for about 2 months!! By then, I gave up and moved on. 9 months later, I decided to email him to see how he was. We got back together (this was in June of this year). He said he'd been trying to reach me for a long time. I had changed my email and phone after that 2 month period of not hearing from him. We've seen eachother since then, but that meeting was difficult - too many emotional issues to deal with. But we worked through it and came out of that even stronger. Everything was going great. Then last weekend, I was in this crappy mood and being difficult in a few emails. It made him angry. I didn't think much of it, and asked him something like "well are you just going to give up on everything" and he replied "Yes, based on everything you wrote here I'm giving up." What I wrote wasn't rude, but it was arguing my point about the issue we were discussing. It wasn't anything -huge- but he said it reminded him of the argument we'd had the last time we saw eachother (3 months prior!). He wrote me a couple times the next day and I figured we were going to get past it, he told his side of the story. So I apologized, changed my tone, made sure to say reassuring things... figured it would be ok. However, the last I heard from him was on Saturday- 5 days of no word from him. He knows how much it hurt me the last time he just disappeared, I had to go through counselling to try and fight that confusion. He's left everything up in the air, as far as I can tell. I've asked him in messages "Are we through? Does this mean the relationship is definitely over?", and no reply. Why would someone do this after so many years, and reconcilation, without even a good bye? And if I still don't hear anything from him in a week or so, how do I cope with this? I know I'll need to "move on", but it seems impossible without any closure. More info: he's been married 3 times and was the petitioner for divorce each time. He has a very busy schedule, but we used to talk every single day before this. He's always been very dominant within the relationship and likes for me to be very submissive. Thanks, and hope to hear back from anyone who might have advice. PS- does anyone think he could be bipolar?? This shutting off thing is just bizarre!

It's complicated as to who did the breaking up-- we got in an argument, it was a bad time in his life, he felt like he wasn't sure about us anymore and needed time to think. Well the time turned into months and I couldn't stand waiting anymore so I moved on. After several months I thought I would contact him just to see how he was doing and to my surprise that time apart had really changed his heart. He had missed me, and was trying to contact me for a while (I changed my email/phone/address during that time so he wasn't successful). It was amazing how time had healed everything. He realized that he missed what was out of his life and wanted it back - and so did I. So that whole thing about letting someone go and seeing if they come back is true. He did say that he would tell her to stop, and that she would be ashamed and embarrassed about it. So then he thought he better just wait and see because he doesn't think she'd try it again or is even serious about it. He understands how I feel, and thinks he's doing the right thing by waiting before he embarrasses her.... but in the meantime it's been difficult blocking that whole phone message out of my head and pretending I didn't hear it. It makes me mad. Knowing that they talk now and then about business makes me feel irritated. I don't like that she's gonna be someone he has to talk to, and I'll never know if she really says something smarmy again. It's hard to focus on the fact that nothing's going to happen, when there's this irrational voice in my head that wants to just wring her neck. It's a tough situation because I do have jealousy problems. I suspect it will fade into something that isn't on my mind in time... but for now I'm having a hard time accepting the whole situation.

My bf & I recently got back together after a 9 month split. We had been together 4 yrs. before that break-up. I saw him for the first time in over a year a couple weeks ago and there was a big problem. We live in different states so we met in a city neither of us lives in- he was doing work there. He's a minor celebrity so he unplugged the phone so no one would call up. I checked for messages the 2nd day there and heard a woman saying something sexual to him- I recognized her name. When I confronted him about it he explained it was someone he was with a long time ago who occasionally says things like that. He chose to ignore the comments rather than hurt her feelings, because she does help him professionally. He didn't think it was a big deal because there's no way he'd do anything with her again, and took her comments lightly. To me, the comment was very offensive. We'll never see eye-to-eye on it, and I made the mistake of taking my anger out on him verbally. He's been very hurt about it and is having a hard time recovering from the things I said. I'm having a hard time just forgetting about what happened, knowing he has to remain friends with her for all the work she does for him. He's the kind of man that doesn't like to cause conflict and thought if I never knew about her occasional comments there would be no harm done. He thinks she's going to eventually stop all together because he doesn't encourage her. In the meantime, I'm bothered by it and don't really know how to just blow it off. I know that he's not interested in her, but it irritates me nevertheless. What should I do?

Here's a general question. I'm a 27 yr. old female , almost 28, and I'm interested in a guy who's 23, almost 24. I felt a little weird about being older, because I've never really seen anyone younger by over a year. He is more mature and has more in common with me than most guys I've met who are the same age as me or older.... so I'm thinking this isn't a big deal. But what's the opinon on this? Thanks!

I have been seeing this guy since January, and it's gone from really amazing to totally horrible. The main reasons were lack of communication, living a couple hours apart, and because he put the brakes on things 3 different times now. I don't know if he's afraid, unwillingly, confused or what. But I keep wanting to give him one more try. This past Sat. night he told me he didn't feel right about "us", that his heart wasn't in it, that he didn't know what was wrong but something was, and that he wanted to go another direction. Sunday night he emailed me and said he wished things could work out, that he likes talking to me, being around me, and pretty much everything, but that maybe it was just fear and we could end up together if I was still talking to him. Last night he admitted he wasn't 100% sure of what he said on Saturday night. He said he missed me and that he didn't think that he and I were a mistake, but that he just needed to feel it. He is planning to move within a year. I worry that he's thinking about this and trying to end things based on that... fear of getting hurt if we don't stay together when he moves. He had a bad break up last year with someone he nearly married. I know that continuing to try with him is going to be very painful, and he knows it's unfair to keep me hanging on to hope over and over. But I don't want to quit when it feels like he might just need some understanding... and I was starting to fall for him. I just feel stuck and not sure what to do that will be the best decision. Please let me know what you all think.... and how to go about whatever is best.

Nothing is "official" with me and this guy, but we've planned to work on a relationship as soon as he's established with work and financially comfortable (he just moved). Last night we were talking and he mentioned he had an interview on Friday. The problem is- it's for the position as an escort driver. And when I say "escort", yes I mean women who get paid to do different favors for men. I know he'd be picking up these women, waiting for them while they're on their dates, and then driving them back. It concerns me to think about him with these various women, who are likely very attractive and dressed provocatively. My dilemma is- I don't agree with it morally and I don't like it on the jealous side. But on the other hand I think it would just be a temporary job to gather some decent money quickly. He's had a hard time finding a job and this may be easy for him to get. Since we aren't actually "together" right now, should I express my concerns? Or try to not let it bother me? I don't think he would be interested in any of the women because he's more of a jealous person that I am. But it still bothers me.

Hi, I was at one time in my life 128 lbs and went down to 110 (I'm 5'2") and have never looked back. Let me tell you how I did it. First off, DON'T WORRY ABOUT LOSING IT QUICKLY. PLEASE! You are more at risk to regain the weight, and it's very unhealthy for you to go about it in a rushed way. I lost my weight over the course of several months. No matter what special event is coming up that may make you believe you need to lose the weight quick, it is not worth it. You want to make health, fitness and eating properly (NOT DIETING), your new lifestyle. You didn't mention your height, but your current weight isn't bad. Remember that. What you want to do is focus on improving yourself so that you feel comfortable. Here are the things you should do to lose the pounds: 1. Educate yourself. Get some fitness magazines, read things online about fitness and eating right. Get to where you're an expert on a healthy lifestyle. You should make sure you know what you're doing. 2. Don't diet, just eat right. Learn about calories and fat but don't obsess over them. Diets are a waste of time and energy. Just eat good things like whole grains, fruits, vegetables, chicken breast, tuna, etc. and eat small meals 5-6 times a day. You'll always feel well-fed and you won't be getting an excess of calories. Remember that eating right is 50% of the equations. 3. Exercise about 5 days a week. This is the other 50% really. And if you hate to work out, don't worry... just like eating well, exercise is something that grows on you. Figure out what works best for you. For some it's joining a gym, for others it's a fitness trainer, and for people like me- I prefer to work out at home. Invest in a few work out videos, some kind of inexpensive equipment like jump ropes, a stepper, or a stationary bike (garage sales!) and don't forget the free weights! You need to not only do 30-45 minutes of cardio 5 days a week, but tone those muscles to look even better. Muscle definition is really going to keep you trim. That's it! You can do it, but get it in your mind it will take some time. The quick fixes (like this low carb trend! booooo!) aren't going to do anything for you but set you back. S.

The beginning of a relationship can be really confusing. You're both sort of teeter tottering with new emotions that have developed, and don't know what to do with them. I think that he probably gets hot and cold to get reactions out of you. I wouldn't let his behavior control what you do, though. Don't worry about him not calling, and base things more on his actions. You wrote that you had a date on Friday night. I would try to relax and just enjoy the times you spend with him, and try not to think about anything else that's more trivial. Not calling when he said he would is pretty typical (from both sexes) when you're still not at a serious point with the person you're just dating. You don't really want them to think you have nothing else going on and that you're always going to be predictable. Things could go either way at this point, but don't get anxious. Let things go whichever way they will. Frequent calling is bound to die down after you start getting confused emotionally, and you need to step back and think if you want to start a whole new risk in life again like a relationship, or if you want to remain single. It just takes time to know the outcome...

I'm confused and need some advice or insight. I met a guy who I have a lot in common with online a few months ago. He was moving to a city nearby so we got to know eachother. Lots of talking online and on the phone. Of course, we were very excited to meet eachother after a couple months of this and we finally met on New Years. I drove to the city he moved to (2 hrs away) to spend a few days with him. Everything went great. We got along so well, and everything just felt natural (physically and personality-wise). We agreed we'd see what happened since the visit was good. He said everything was perfect and just how he imagined. In the meantime, he needed to get situated in his new home and find work, etc. I came up the following weekend and we had another awesome weekend. Then he calls me and explains that he's not sure he wants a relationship at this time because of all the stress of not finding work yet, and settling into a new place, as well as other small things bothering him. He just was unable to focus all his attention on building a relationship, so he thought we should take things easy. I said fine and I understood, that we'd take it slow and asked if he still wanted to see me. He said yes, but I gave him a little time (2 weeks) before I came up there again. He called me every night during this time, and he was getting more depressed about not having money right now and being confused as to where his life was headed. I came up there because he wanted to hang out again this past weekend, and it was a normal night. Our relationship stayed physical if you know what I mean, so I didn't see it coming when the next morning he tells me he thinks we should "just be friends for now". He had even planned to tell me this before I came up! I was really hurt and disappointed, and his reasons were the same-- he's having a hard time coping with stress in his life right now and doesn't want to start anything serious. The fact that he wanted to take a huge step back (especially after we had been sleeping together) made me really uncertain this was true, but he says that's all it is and that he likes me a lot and hopes that things will be really good for us in the near future when he's got his life together. I told him I would not be able to see him as just friends, and have backed off almost completely. He seems concerned about this and said he just meant for this to be a break and not the end. But I feel like I can't trust him, and I'm afraid of getting hurt again. I basically want to know- should I continue contact with him while he sorts his life out? Do you think his reasons for wanting to pause the progress of the relationship are legitimate? Should I forget about the whole thing? Argh! Any help is appreciated.