kungfumaster

But SLBG - I'm not trying to get my ex back - I just want to move on with my life - it is hard enough I think. I tried really hard in the relationship - I was in so much pain - I just wanted something, anything - but I got nothing. So- you might be right that I probably scared her off when she recontacted me after 3 weeks of no contact - but I don't know, I never thought she would actually call back - so I never "prepared" myself for it - was I wrong?? but she did, and I was stupid enough to let her back into my life I think, so that she could just dump me again . So, I don't want to put any energy into "preparing" for her to come back - I think I will just be setting myself up for another dumping - and I'm not built to handle too many rejections. Once is enough - two times - ouch but the third time - NO MORE!! I think I would be holding myself back from true healing if I "prepare" for her to come back. IF SHE WANTS ME BACK - SHE HAS TO DO ALL THE WORK - I AM GOING TO DO NOTHING!! This is probably never going to happen, but those are my present views on my situation now. FANTASIA - yeaaaay!! I'm so happy for you - a trip to Europe - ALRIGHT We both sooooooo deserve a vacation!! Yes - we're going to have fun!! We have too or else our ex's will get the better of us - and that will not be the case - BECAUSE WE'RE WORTH IT!! Have a good night everyone

Hi everyone! I haven't posted in a while I guess. Just to recap - I have been no contact for 4 months now - we were together 2 years and 3 months - 2 years in the same city, 3 months ldr - wow - that 4 months really went by quickly - great for me eh? - but I still have periods of depression. I'm surprised I got through my semester. For example, spring is here now, and its so sunny and nice outside - but it just reminds me that I won't be spending the coming summer with my ex - you know - we had so much stuff planned for this summer before we broke up - like I was really looking forward to going to her university graduation ceremony, and we were going to go on vacation to where her mom lives (in an eastern oriental city), and I was going to stay for a whole 4 months with her before I had to go back to the city where I worked. I was soooooooo looking forward to all 3 things - now, its all gone. And there's so much romance in the summer - I just hate it. How do I snap out of it?? Sorry - just venting a bit. I have been taking steps to alleviate this feeling though - I am planning to take a vacation in the east to visit a friend, and travel to to 3-4 cities. But, I don't know - I just feel so blah in the meantime - maybe I just have to wait until my vacation - until then, I just have to suffer. Sorry - just venting.

I would have to agree with Emmylu too - wow - I think that's basically it - people just want the goods, and the only thing you can do is just to improve yourself - well said!! I guess the tough part is - improving yourself continually - its a full time job I guess on top of your full time job Hi yaaaaah!

Wow - listen to Roark1216. I totally agree! I just realized I had just #1 on your list there. I guess maybe that's why my ldr died after 3 months - I wish I knew that list before. I guess I know that I was commited - as for her - she was commited I think before our ldr, and then as soon as we were in it, I think she slowly lost her commitment. I was still commited to her though - but I guess she wasn't - otherwise, she would still be trying right?? (It's been almost 4 months now since she dumped me). As for #2, well, I really tried hard with this one. I really think I tried to communicate well with her, but I guess it takes two to communicate well, and it was just so hard to get her to express her feelings, or to talk - so - I don't know. As for #3 - you're right we should have made a plan - a timeline of what would happen - in a way, there was a timeline - I mean, I asked her if she could wait for maybe 2 years for me - the first year, I would need to get some experience in my career, and then in the second year, I would apply to places that both me and her could live for the rest of our lives - but I guess she couldn't wait. I guess maybe she got burned out, and couldn't continue our relationship based on our 2 years when we were actually together - I don't know - I thought we could make it, actually - she did too initially, but then I still don't know what happened?? Can you give us more insight roark1216 in why maybe your ldr didn't work out - I'm still not sure why mine didn't work out - she said we had a lot of problems - but we had alot of problems when we were together, and she didn't mind them then, and we'd always work them out when we were together - what was different now?? Actually, she would actually avoid our problems when we were together in the same city, but when we were in the ldr, she suddenly would highlight these problems - I don't know - I mean its hard enough to be in an ldr. Okay, enough beatching for tonight I guess. Thanks for listening - great insight roark1216!! I guess so since you've had alot of experience - thanks for sharing your insights!! I'm sure alot of people will agree. Good night As for #3

Ouch - that hurt too.

Ouch - that hurt. Where did that come from??

Hi guys - I totally agree with jkn260!! Yah - it is COMPLETELY normal to have feelings of anger - if you don't actually, you might be at a risk of having severe depression. Alot of people (well, not all but a fair amount) who are depressed cannot constructively express their feelings of anger, so bottle it up, and so get more depressed. It is better to let it out! What helps me get my feelings of anger: 1) running for 30 minutes 2) doing weights (and grunting) 3) there is a punching bag at my gym - oh, that has been quite a life savor at times 4) screaming in my car with the volume on full blast 5) cleaning up my apartment 6) humor 7) saying hi yaaaah! 8) beaatching to my friends and family (oh, that's what good friends and family are for - but you have to distribute your beaatching equally to everyone of your friends and family members, because if you lay too much on one of them, they will get tired of you and start avoiding you ) I'm sure you guys can add to this list, but those are just some of the ways I "burn my anger to ashes" so I can start anew! (cheesy - sorry ) Anyways, have a good night everyone - and thanks for sharing again! Hi yaaaah!

Hey mscprog, I know how you feel - don't feel bad - we're only human. My situation and yours are similar in that we both had an incidence where we basically fell back to square one in our healing process. In both our cases, we decided to do something and it backfired on us. You decided to see if you could meet up with your ex before she leaves, and I decided to give my ex "one last try". You see, my ex let me go too, and so for 2 weeks, I was doing good with the no contact rule in place - it was so hard, but it was good for me - I actually started healing and letting go in that period. And then she contacted me, and then I broke down basically, and decided to take her back - my mistake - the next day, she changed her mind again, and decided to dump me again, and I was back to square one. NEVER AGAIN!! I am on 3.5 months of no contact since then, and it is getting easier by the day. Hopefully, she will just be a good memory in my mind one day and that's it - no "I miss you" feelings, or "I wonder how she is doing" or "what she is doing now" thoughts, i.e., thoughts and feelings that beckon me to contact her. But, those thoughts are slowly being replaced by "I have to invest in myself" thoughts now, and they will push out those "I want to contact her" thoughts. So - thanks for your sharing mscprog - it is a good warning for me to NEVER CONTACT MY EX AGAIN - or else I risk throwing away all the healing I've done in these past 3.5 months. It is okay mscprog - the healing process always has ups and downs -more downs rather than up, but there will come a point where you will only be going up - and when you reach the top of the mountain and look down on what you have survived and gone through, the view will be breathtaking and you be stronger than you were, and you will say to yourself - hey - if I can survive that, I can do anything - and you will have confidence oozing out of every pore of your body - you'll have to beat women off with sticks at that point Best of luck Mr. mscprog - I hope you will not let this incident get you too down - we've all been there - and I can tell you, you will heal again and be the loving, confident man you were before this! Time is all we need. Hi yaaaah!

Hey longrun, I know how you feel. I was in the same position as you the summer of lasy year. Its has been the toughest decision I've ever had to make in my life so far - every other decision was easy compared to the one I made when I decided to take the job in a different city than my (then) girlfriend - now ex. For myself, when I chose to go, I knew there could be a big chance I'd lose my love relationship - that's why it was sooo hard - obviously I guess. Right now, I still don't know whether I've made the right decision. Although I feel 1000000 times better now than when she dumped me 3.5 months ago, I still don't know whether it was the right decision FOR ME (independent of the past love relationship). Because now, I am thinking twice about whether all the effort I've put in my career is worth it if I am not really happy with my life. I mean, I put so much time, energy, tears, work, and basically my life into my career - now that I've got a good position, I'm not happy - I mean, I am happy I have the job I've always wanted, but now that I have it, I'm questioning whether it was worth it if I don't have anyone to enjoy it with? Ahhhh! To quote you long run: "career??--relationship??--education???" - man, I should know by now, since I am almost 30. I guess I just had a really bad day since one of my colleagues today treated me like *bad word goes here*, and actually, there are alot of people like him in my line of work, so, I just got to asking myself - what kind of career have I chosen where there are people like this - do I really want to be here and take this *bad word goes here*? Then, I started thinking about the above. Sorry - just needed to vent. Hi yaaaah!

Hey Awrey88, I know exactly how you feel. I was in that position 3 months ago (LDR too). She was too busy and didn't have the time anymore. One of the mistakes I had done in my past relationship was that all the good friends I had before I met my ex I had somewhat lost touch with. So when my partner wasn't there for me, I didn't have anyone to talk to. I mean, I didn't lose complete touch with them, but I wasn't as close to them like I use too. But, thankfully, when I did start contacting them again - they were there for me - as good friends should. So I recommend Awrey - get in contact with your friends again - go out with them, have fun - don't worry about your g/f so much. She has her stuff to do, so go do your own stuff!. Even family is good too - do you have siblings? Go hang out with them - talk to them about your situation-I don't think its healthy to completely rely on our partners to make us happy or comforted all the time (especially in a LDR) - we have to rely on ourselves, or the friends around us. I know how you are feeling, and what I've said above is probably hard to do - but just try - and I think you'll feel better. Good luck and best wishes, Kungfu

I'm back!! I've been thinking more about the career vs. relationship choices. I think there has to come a point in my life where I have to choose relationship over career. So far, I have always chosen career - and as my previous post already says, these decisions for career have been the demise of my long term relationships. Should I blame my career, or the long distance which my career caused (because I had to move to a different city because of my career)?

Hey Colls, I was recently in a LDR, and you know what I would have loved from her -a letter. If you write your poem in a letter and send it to him, that's something he can have for the rest of his life - and it tells him that you took the time and the effort to sit down, think about him, write it, package it, go to the post office and send it away, i.e., you spent time on him to make him feel like you really love him and cherish him. I know if my ex gave sent me a letter, I would have just loved it - and if the letter contained a poem - well, I would just die - literally. Anyways - good luck Colls - man - your bf is one lucky dude. Hi yaaah!

I AM ON 3.5 MONTHS OF NO CONTACT - yeaaaay! Fantasia!! I'm so glad you are starting to think of yourself more these days! Keep strong! Your doing fantastic! February, thanks for that story - and yes!- Never take them back. If they have any doubts and decide to leave because they don't want to put in the effort, then it was never meant to be. That's what I should have done too after 2 weeks of no contact, and then she contacted me - but I decided to take her back, and then she dumps me again - NEVER AGAIN!! Zretila, I believe (and one of the moderators said this too - in the post "what if both have no contact" - or something like that) that no contact rule only applies to the dumpee, i.e., the one who got dumped. The no contact rule doesn't apply to the dumper, i.e., the one who decides to leave the relationship. The no contact rule is ONLY for the dumpee - and 1) gives his/her time to heal after their partner drops the bomb on them, and 2) gives their partner time to miss them and possibly want to get back together with them. I think either way, you come out ahead because in case 1), you probably feel like a ten ton truck has just run over you, and so need that "no contact" time to pull yourself together and in case 2) if they do miss you, and feel they've made a wrong decision, then when they come back - YOU CAN LAUGH AT THEM!! But seriously, no, its up to you. I personally, from now on, will not take anyone back who has dumped me - as February said - they had their chance - and they blew it! Hi yaaaaah!

Carlos, This is a really good question. I have pondered it for a long time now. So, forgive me if I am going to spill out my thoughts, and if I don't give such an eloquent answer as Athena and Mar above. But, I'd have to agree mostly with Athena and Mar. For myself, I have always put my career first, and relationships second because I am a very practical person. If I can't earn a good living, I will NOT 1) be happy with myself, 2) be able to provide for my partner (or share in the cost) 3) be able to provide for my family if we get married and decide to have kids 4) have a comfortable standard of living. So, all those things are important to me, so I have put my career first. You see this question really is important to me because my only two major long term relationships ended partly because of my career. In both, I had to move away to a different city because of my career. And both relationships weren't strong enough to handle the LDR (the first we didn't even try, the second one died after 3 months). So please stop reading if you think this is a LDR problem and not a career problem (combination of both probably though). I agree with Mar in that I shouldn't be selfish enough to expect someone to wait for me while I try to find a job back in the same city where my partner is. In my line of work, the more talented and smart you are, the more likely you can choose the place where you can work. In my situation, I have talent, but not of "star" quality to get the job I want in any city - hence, I've had to move from city to city. But I have finally landed a permanent position, although in a city that is not that interesting to me. But a colleague of mine has a long distance relationship for 3 years!, and they are still going strong - mainly because the girlfriend is in our field too (but 3 years behind), and so she understands how hard it is to get a job in a city you want. So this comes to what Athena has said -the partners priorities must match up(at least to some extent) for it to work. If the priorities match up pretty well (in the case of my colleagues relationship), then career actually becomes part of the "relationship". So, that's all I have to say for now I guess. Actually, now I question my decision to leave my ex in city X to move to city Y for my job/career. It's been 3 months now. However, I am one of those mediocre, but still talented enough people toanyplace in the world where I can work

Marks888, I know how you are feeling. You want some answers - it just ended so abruptly - and there simply was no good reason to end it. Its been 3 months for me, and I'm still trying to understand. I have gone from periods where I've thought I wasn't good enough for her, to "she was just messed up and no one can be with her without breaking up eventually", to "she probably found someone else" (I just posted on this yesterday ). And you know what, I'll never get to know!! I must admit though marks888 that one thing I remember that helped me a bit, was that I wrote a letter to her, a good bye letter, but I never sent it. It helped me poor out all my feelings and thoughts, and even today, when I feel really bad, I read that letter and it makes me feel a bit better. In that letter, I told her that I loved her and missed her, but I couldn't deal with her issues anymore. It just came up too much. You see marks888 - you have to ask yourself why you love her?? I know in your post you mentioned she might be a bit unstable and a little bipolar - why was she unstable? What caused her to be unstable? You have to find out these things, and how they affect your relationship. You see in my case, my ex- had a lot of abandonment issues with the divorce of her parents, and father issues too (her father was never there basically), and you see, all that played into our relationship because she projected those unmet needs onto me - and it was stressful for me to make up for all those things she never got from her dad, or a loving family. And these also made her "unstable". One minute, she would be the most loving person in the world, and the next minute, I was the worst person in the world after I'd make a mistake (which my family and friends agree, she did have a right to be mad, but not to the level she took it to). So you see marks888, do you know why I loved my ex? Its because I thought I could "fix her" - help her out with these issues, help her heal - be the "knight in shining armour" and save her from her darkness. At first, I did help her, she was making some progress I though - and as one poster Athena said, I broke down that wall of distrust she had built around her, and it felt incredible - she was the most loving person in the world when her guard was down. I felt like I was in heaven. I felt so good to be receiving this love from her, and giving her love and helping her heal from her past issues. I felt like a real man, who was able to help someone that I loved. I felt great. But you know what marks888 - as soon as I moved away and we had an LDR, it all just went down the tubes. She put the wall of distrust back up again. You see marks888, we have to realize we cannot change our partners. As some people say, it is harder to move a mountain than change someone. It is true I think. They have to heal and change themselves. I realize that now. And so back to the question I ask you marks888 - why do you love her? From the sounds of your post, she's got at least one issue still - the ending a 3yr - relationship 5 months before you. Maybe she's still healing from that - and if you dig deeper, there might be somemore "wounds" that need healing - what kind of a family background does she have, etc? I know how you feel marks888 - I'm still disappointed as you are (I play that song by radiohead over and over again "Let down"), and I go through tons of cycles. Hang in there. Don't contact her. Just try to work on yourself. I have been working out like a mad man since I broke up - but it helps me get rid of all that anger inside me. Keep posting whenever you feel bad and just let it all out. Hey, look at what I just did. Anyways, try to think of numero uno - remember - you are worth it! Hi yaaaah!!

Well, you might be right Para - I apologize if my post above sounded a bit cynical/pessimistic. You are right - business and tiredness does not equal a attempt to blow off someone. And there's probably a lot more going on than I'll know, but I'll never know because she avoided me and we never got to talk at the end. I am happy for you and all those people however who can manage LDR - I'm jelous of you guys actually Well, I actually finished college and got a job in a different city so I moved, and she had one more year to go in college. I guess she might have changed you are right. I however, didn't change much because I was just busy with work in my new city, and there was nothing to do in this small town too. She was in a bigger city, with more friends, etc. I know before I left, she was worried that she couldn't make it without me. But I told her she would be fine and that I would come and visit her every month. So I visited her every month from Sept to Nov, and then after Nov., that's when she started avoiding me. I guess we had a big fight the last time we were together but I thought we had made up before I got back. Then she started avoiding me. I guess something changed in her after the fight. I have an idea what changed her, and if that's the case, then that's fine. I just wished she would just tell me instead of avoiding me. In the end, all I am left with in a "maybe this is what happened", instead of "this is what happened" and it just sucks. Keep on doing what you're doing, whatever you're doing Para - I'll probably need you guy's help if I ever have an LDR again.

After 3 months now of no contact, I still feel stuck. I know it takes a long time to heal, especially after a 2 year and 3 month relationship. I just have a nagging feeling that she dropped me for another person. Why am I thinking this now, and not when she dumped me initially 3 months ago. I don't know. I guess I'm still trying to ask myself what went wrong. I have resigned myself most of the time to thinking that I wasn't good enough for her (but then if I wasn't, I'm thinking no one will, so its her loss). But, as I think about it more, I remember these things that happened right before the break up that tells me that there might have been someone else in the picture, but I wasn't really sure. Here are the 3 things that made me suspicious (in chronological order): 1) After one of our big fights, she spends some time with an old guy friend, who in the past, just helped her out with her homework, and he would always call her, but she was never interested, just as a friend only. They would only talk on the phone and never went out. 2) One night, she went out to a movie with her friends - and usually she tells me who she's going out with, but this time, she doesn't. 3) She gets a text message on her cell the two days later saying "hey baby, i'm bored - what are you doing?" She tells me this and says she doens't recognize the sender and asks me "isn't it only boyfriends who call their girlfriends baby?". She says she texted the person back and asks "who are you, I don't know you?". Then she tells me that the sender sends her 3 other text messages (without identifying himself) and that she never responded. Well, I trusted her at that time, and thought nothing of the three points above. In fact, as to point 1) I actually encouraged her to talk to this other old guy friend because I know it helped me to talk things out with my girl-friends when something is troubling me. As to point 2), actually, to be honest, I thought it was kind of shady - I know I have no control over how other men hit on my ex - but wouldn't my ex have to give this guy her cell number (and she just got a cell number 2 weeks before)? Shouldn't she know ALL THE people who has her cell number? But at that time, I trusted her and just shoved these shady things out of my mind. Should I be asking these questions? I know I shouldn't but its just driving me mad!! Maybe I think if she cheated, it would give me more ammunition to hate her, and so get over her quicker, i.e., sever the emotional attachment I have with her. What do you guys think??

I agree with everything that Para_Pryncess says BUT, but there might be another side to that. You see, I was in a LDR too, and my girlfriend was busy and tired when she got home (she was in school too, and had lots of friends), and so we didn't have the best of conversations every night. Fine. No problem. I understand that she is tired, and so we can have "better" talks later on. But, it never got better. It just got worse. She emailed me less and less, and at the end, pretty much avoided me. So, it turned out that her "busy-ness" and tiredness was just a gentle way of slowly letting me go. So my advise, just be careful when "busy-ness" and "tired-ness" comes into the picture. In the case of Para_Pryncess above, these are legitimate reasons, and from the sounds of it, Para_pryncess and her partner have worked these things out by setting concrete times to talk to each other, etc. Good for them. In my case, it was just an excuse, and it was cruel. If she still wants to be in the relationship, she WILL MAKE THAT TIME to talk to you even when she's tired or busy, even if its just a one minute phone call to say hi and how you are doing, or just a quick email to say they love you. Sorry - I don't mean to put these "doubts" in your mind. Just a cautionary tale. The key is communication. Hi yaaa!

Jarhead, Although I am a pessimist now because my LDR did not work out, I'd have to agree with faeriechyld - go for it. But, the pessimist is still in me - so I'll have to warn you - oh my goodness I sound like an old fart - get ready for heart ache if it doesn't work out, even after only a few months together - if you are willing to put your heart on the line buddy - then go for it. This will most probably result in the best feelings in the world you'll ever experience, and also result in the worst feelings in the world if it doesn't work out. May the force be with you.

Fantasia, I hope you are doing alright. Please - cry all you want - it really helps - and actually, if you have some advise on how to let those feelings come that make you cry, please tell them to me because I'm having a hard time crying - I try to, but it just doesn't come - I've done it sometimes, and afterwards, it feels great, but I haven't done it enough I think. As to only dumpees that have rebounds - is not true. Dumpers have rebounds too. You see, dumpers go through the same sort of feelings as dumpees do - except that dumpers feel more guilt, and dumpees feel more rejection. But dumpees and dumpers feel the other stuff too after the ending of a love relationship, i.e., grief, anger, sadness, low-self esteem, etc. However, dumpers just get a head start on these feelings while THEY ARE STILL IN THE RELATIONSHIP - and dumpees unfortunately have no clue until they drop the bomb. It sucks eh But, the point is, dumpers also need time to heal, and sometimes, they don't want to take the time to feel that pain of grief, and so they try to jump into another love relationship so that they don't have to. But if/when their rebound relationship ends, it hurts twice as much as when the first relationship ended (to quote from a marriage therapist Bruce Fischer - he noticed that people didn't start enrolling in his course "How to heal from the ending of a love relationship" until after their rebound relationship ended, not after their first relationship ended). So, I hope this helps Fantasia. And to be honest, I don't care a smidgin about my ex's boyfriend right now - I hope their tires blow on their way to vacation in Niagara falls Anyways, hang in there Fantastic!! Haha

Try the same sort of treatment but after 2 years 3 months together - the last three months were long distance. All I can say is, ouch - it hurts. It still hurts after 3 months now. I am in a sort of daze still - trying to snap out of it, but its hard. As to what type of people do this - well, my ex - I don't want to be the guy "who can't see the log in his own eye", but my ex had some issues (so do I to some extent for dating her). That's all I can say - and I hope for her own sake (I might still be in denial and holding back anger, but...) she will heal from her wounds from the past (hence her issues) so it won't hurt her anymore. Mark - one more piece of advise - run away fast, don't look back (easier said than done I know).

Fantasia, I think you are exactly right - your ex's relationship now is just a rebound. (That is, assuming it is an intimate relationship - if its just a friendship, then it is probably healthy for him). I think when a person jumps into another (intimate) relationship relatively fast after the break up, then he/she is not doing him/herself any good because they haven't fully healed from their "love wound" - although they think they have - they are just in denial. They are just running away from the hurt that comes naturally with any ending to a love relationship - they don't want to experience it, so they pretend like they are healed and happy already by being in another relationship. What they don't realize is that if they don't let themselves feel the grief and pain that comes naturally from the ending of a love relationship, they'll never grow within themselves; they'll never learn what went wrong in the last relationship, and what they need to fix within themselves. They are doomed to repeat the same mistakes that ended their previous relationship - and hence the term "rebound" relationship - they don't last (well, most of them anyways). Many people are so afraid of the grief and pain that they should experience after an ending of a love relationship that they jump from rebound to rebound relationship just to runaway from the pain - they never really fully heal, and hence they just experience break up after break up. That is what I think anyways. So Fantasia, don't let your ex fool you with his current relationship - he is in denial - you are doing better - you are dealing with the reality of the ending of your love relationship - you are grieving, which means all the emotions like anger, depression, frustration, confusion, loneliness, etc. You are doing fine by yourself for now - you don't need another love relationship now because you have to heal yourself first before you can even consider another love relationship - friends is the key word here - we'll need them now. And you see, some of these friend might turn out to be a lover in the future - but only after we've healed. We are not ready yet for another love relationship because we need to love ourselves now, and heal ourselves, before we can give love again. Have a good night - may your angel keep you safe always

Well, this happened with my first ex-girlfriend - but I'm not sure what's going to happen with my most recent second ex-girlfriend (broken up 3 months now). So, my first dumped me in Dec 1997 after a 1.5 year relationship. No contact until I emailed her in Apr 1998 to wish her happy birthday, she responded and said thanks and told me what was going on in her life. Nothing again for about 2 years after that, when out of no where, she emails me and apologizes to me because she has "leftover guilt" at how bad she treated me during our breakup. She basically got the same treatment from her then boyfriend, as she gave me in Dec 1997, i.e., her boyfriend dumped her in the same way she dumped me (by finding someone else). So when I got an apology from her (2 YEARS AFTER THE FACT), I didn't feel anything - I was actually more glad to hear about what was going on in her life then her apology (she wrote about what she was up to after she apologized). I didn't say well - hah - now you know how I felt. I just felt bad for her, and I was glad I wasn't in her situation. But, no, in all honesty, I did feel a small "haha" - the boomerang has come back to hit you. So that's my revenge story - if it is at all, but not as classic as the one above by Michael2.

Well, I feel for all you guys. I went through the same thing. She gave me the cold war too. She wouldn't answer any of my emails, or if I did catch her on the phone, she said she was busy to talk, or just heading out, etc. She was just avoiding me. We had gotten into a big fight about 2 weeks earlier (when I visited her in city X) before she started the cold war and avoided me. I thought we had made up though before I had to leave her again to my city Y - but apparently, she did not think so. I kept asking her if she was still thinking about our fight, but she wouldn't answer. One of her second to last emails just said that we had a lot of problems, and that we were growing apart - well duh?? I know we have some problems - and if you would talk to me, maybe we could try to work them out, and if you did talk to me, then we wouldn't be growing apart - I guess it was just her way of saying I don't want you anymore - I want to leave. Yah, it really hurt. Isn't it the most painful thing to have someone love you for so long (for us, it was 2 years and 3 months) and then all of a sudden, she shows NOTHING anymore - it still hurts after 3 months now. I regret now that I was so civilized and nice to her during the break up. I am glad though that I didn't beg and plead. I just got a little bit peeved in maybe one email, but the rest of it I was really nice - too nice I think. I even said one time that it was probably for the best that we break up (even though in my heart, I was not thinking this - but I just wanted to sound strong, and not weak about her dumping me). I just keep thinking I should have just let her have it - tell her all the bad things about her, and just go nuts - I don't know. Now, I am paying for my niceness because I'm really angry these days - I'm mostly angry at her and how she treated me at the end. It was just plain cold. Fine, I know when you break up with someone, it is better to cut it off straight away and not let them hang - and yes, it is probably really hard for them. But I think its harder for us dumpees who have to live with rejection, live with the "what happened" and "what's wrong with me" questions. It is probably easier to live with guilt then with feelings of doub within oneself. Hey, half of my life is run by guilt, just a bit more guilt won't do any harm. Okay, now I am rambling. I hope all you guys are okay. I am doing okay I guess. I have just busied myself with my work since the break up. It still hurts after 3 months but I'm slowly healing. I am planning a trip to the Far East to maybe get away for a while, clear my head, spend quality time with myself, and just not think about all this relationship stuff. Goodnight all, and may your angels keep you safe.

I have been reading a good book about why relationships fail - this is more or less from Bruce Fisher's "How to Rebuild after your love relationship fails". A love relationship is like a bridge with the two pillars supporting the bridge at the ends representing the two people in the relationship. The bridge (relationship) is only as strong as the two pillars that support the bridge. When change occurs in one or both of the people in the relationship, it strains the bridge itself. Some changes are too great for the bridge to handle, and it falls apart into the river. In people, such changes maybe a result of personal growth, reallocation, education, religious experiences, attitude change, anger, anxiety or reaction to stress or trauma from a death in the family or an accident, etc. For myself, in my first serious relationship - I didn't give enough - I wasn't keeping my end of the bridge. I would always take and let her support the bridge. So she broke it off with me - and that was fine. For my second and most recent serious relationship - I learned from my first - I gave alot more - but then I didn't take very much (I trained her not to support the bridge). So that didn't work too. I got too tired of giving all the time at the end (supporting the bridge) - I was hurting myself in the process (carrying the bridge alone was hurting my health and my mental state - I was an emotional wreck). So I just couldn't handle it anymore - the bridge was too heavy so I just gave up and let it fall into the river. On a less abstract level, I had to reallocate too, and that put a major strain on the bridge. I guess both of us weren't strong enough to adapt to this change, so on top of that, and the above, it just failed miserably. I think I have learned alot about what it takes to build and maintain a good relationship. I hope in my next relationship (crossing my fingers), I will be able to give and take in equal quantities. I will know to pick an individual who will know what it takes to maintain a bridge (communication, ownership and boundaries). I hope I can find someone who is knows herself well enough, and is strong and sure enough in herself to be ready to put in that effort in maintaining a good relationship. I know now, I will be ready, after I've healed from my recent break up, which will take I'm not sure how long. You know, its funny - no one really teaches us the two most important things in our lives: 1) how to build and maintain a good relationship and 2)how to raise up children. I guess we ultimately learned from our parents, but how many people can say that they want a relationship like their parents?? I know my parents relationship is okay, but it could be better. That's what I want. Anyways, have a good night everyone - actually -everyones probably asleep by now, except for me