Cindersam

thelonelydoll, who re-established contact? the dumper or the dumpee? how long were you apart?

I have that same question. My ex dumped me after 6 years saying he no longer had the "in love" feelings. He had other feelings for me just not the "in love" ones. He said it had been up and down for a while. I thought after 6 years that was normal????????

I TOTALLY understand you wanting to talk to her for closure. My ex dumped me over the phone after a 6 year relationship and I too would like to speak wtih him to get closure but as of yet it has not happened (it has been 3 months). I agree with the others. Simply send her pictures back - no note. Be the mature one and you will keep your dignity and seft respect. If she should happen to call you to thank you you can then ask to have a final conversation for closure. I suggest if you do talk to her don't be angry. She is not likely to be honest with you or even want to talk to you if you come at her angry and hostile (even though you may be feeling that way). Just talk to her in a metter of fact tone without showing much emotion. Why let her know how much she hurt you???? You DO deserve an answer and some closure. I hope you get it.

For the sake of your sanity (and health) and that of your new girlfriend you need to let go of the anger. I know it is not easy but it will eat away at you and at your new relationship if you don't. I dated a man for 6 years who hated his ex. She did all the things to him that yours did to you so I could understand why he was angry. I supported him and listened while he would rant or rave about one thing or another. But I can tell you it gets old after a while. After 6 years he was still as angry as he was when I met him. The stress it caused him and us went too far. It is normal to be angry after someone hurts you like that. But get it out and move on or it will destroy you and all those around you. Are you willing to give her that power over you now? THe best revenge is to be happy with your new life and move on.

I agree with Parsley. I was in a relationahip for 6 years. THe first 5 were great but during the last one he would act just like yours is, off and on. I also thought he was depressed and stressed at work and with his kids (he has 3). I asked him several times if there was something wrong and he always claimed it was work or his kids (or wacko ex-wife). He never hinted it was me. But he stopped calling as much and made excuses not to see me. I thought he was depressed and stressed so I stuck it out with him. That's what you do when you love someone right? One day he calls me and says he isn't in love anymore. It struck me like a ton of bricks! I was in total shock! I didn't know I was the problem. Now looking back I think I can see where things started going wrong and maybe if we had talked about it then we may have been able to work it out. I haven't seen him in three months and we are finally getting together this week to talk. My point is that if we would have talked while we were still together before it got as bad as it did we might have been able to talk it though then. I totally understand how you are feeling about how he is treating you. I held on for way too long also not being treated very nicely because I kept making excuses for him. You need to talk to your guy and stop makeing excuses for him. Do not allow him to treat you the way he has been. Loving someone else does not mean you stop loving yourself and allow them to treat you badly. I don't think you need to get angry just yet. First see what he has to say. But you need to lay it on the line. Have repsect for yourself and not let him treat you this way but at the same time if you talk about it before it's too late you might be able to work it out. Good luck!

My ex finally returned my phone call and has agreed to meet with me next week. I have not seen him in 3 months and have only spoken to him twice since the break up so there has been plenty of NC and time to heal. Of course like most of you I am hopng that at some point in time there may be a reconciliation. If nothing less I think it will provide closure but as I said I would prefer a second chance. What is the best way for me to handle this so it might lead in the direction I am hoping?

I also realized that I had taken him for granted a lot in the last year. I just felt so secure in our relationship that I felt he would always be there. I guess I was wrong. Should I tell him all these things????

When he broke up with me he told me it was because he wasn't in love with me anymore. He said he had other feelings just not the "in love" ones. After 6 years I thought it was normal for love to develop into somethng else and the "in love" feelngs that you have at the beginning change. I also think that when I went through the probelms with my son and I moved, I shut him out, I didn't discuss my decision to move or much of anythign else with him at that point, and I can see now that he may have wondered about what I was feeling for him. He made a comment to his neice that I had shown him in many ways that I was losing interest in him. This was about a year ago. I really feel that he put up emotional walls when he thought I was losing interest in him (which I wasn't) and in doing so by trying to protect himself from gettng hurt by me he slowly lost feelngs for me. Does that make any sense? If so is there any way to get the feelings back or to see if there is a chance of getting them back??????

Well he finally called tonight. We are geting together next week to talk. He wanted to know what I wanted to talk about and I told him that I had some things I wanted to say to him and that ending a 6 year relationship over the phone n 2 minutes just didn't work for me. He said he doesn't really want to talk about what went wrong and why because as he puts it "nobody did anything wrong which is what makes this that much more difficult." I think he is afriad I am going to blame him which I don't. He said he didn't want to end up angry because he isn't angray now and I told him that I don't want to either. I still want to see if there is a chance for us although I don't think he thinks there is. What is the best way for me to approach this? If all I can get out of this is closure then that is what I need but that is not what I want. What is the best way for me to see if there is any spark left or anything there?

THanks to all of you who responded. I think I know in my head that you are right but in my heart it's a different thing.

DO you think that maybe if I E-Mailed him instead of calling him he would feel less put on the spot and possibly repsond? I could suggest a couple of day/times that would work for me and see what he says. If he really doesn't want to talk to me then maybe it would be easier for him to tell me through E-Mail than over the phone. Both times I talked to him he seemed very willikng to get together with me to talk so that I why I am so confused. If he really doesn't want to then maybe he can tell me that in an E-Mail and if that is the case I will leave him alone. Any thoughts??? Thanks!!!!!!

I didn't do anything "bad" to him but I do think I was the cause of him losing his feelings for me. I was going through a difficult time with my son a little over a year ago and I shut my ex out. I decided to move and did not discuss it with him. I can see now that that may have caused him to question my feelings for him and the extent of a future with him. After we broke up I remembered that last Thanksgiving he made a commment to his neice that I had been showing him in many ways that I had been losing interest in him. I said that wasn't true and just sort of brushed it off. I completely forgot he had said it until a year later. Now I realize I should have talked to him about it then but with what I was going through I didn't. THere were a lot of things I should have discussed with him but I didn't. We had been very good at communicating up until this point so I can see why he might have thought I was losing feelings for him but it wasn't true. I think maybe in trying to protect himself from getting hurt he put up walls and ended up pushing me away and losing feelings for me. I didn't see any of this until after we broke up. I think I just felt so secure in our relationship that I took him for granted during this time. It was almost a year later that we broke up but he seemed just as confused as I was as to why his feelings had changed. I know it is probably way past the point of being able to reconcile but I still feel a need to apologize to him and explain some things to him.

I don't really want to hear all of the reasons why he broke up with me. I feel there are some things I want to say to him, not necessarily what he will say to me. I realized some things during the NC time that I feel I may be responsible for that I didn't realize before. No I do not expect it to bring him back I just really feel a need to say these things to him. Maybe it's because he broke up with me over the phone I feel I need to do it in person. I know it won't be easy but I sitll want to do it.

I understand that but what I don't understand is why he keeps agreeing to talk to me if he really doesn't want to.

It's been almost 3 moths since my ex and I split up. After a week I sent him a letter saying I didn't see it coming and I wish he would have talked to me about what he was feeling before it got to the point of breaking up. I also said I would really like to talk things over with him to try and understand what happened. He did not respond to the letter so I went NC for 2 months. This time helped me heal and to put things into persepctive. However, I still felt I wanted to talk to him since we never really did discuss what happened. Part of me want to reconcile and part of me just wanted closure. After 2 months I called him and asked him if we could talk. He said o.k. but he had his kids for Christmas break so we agreed to get together some time after the break was over. He said he would call me. He never did. So three weeks later I called him again and asked if we could get together some time next week to talk. He said "sure!" I asked him when and he said he didn't have his work schedule and could he call me back. I said o.k. That was 4 days ago and I still haven't heard from him. He was friendly on the phone and seemed fine with getting together to talk so I don't understand why I am getting the brush off. I just don't get it. Our break up was not a bad one (I was pretty much in shock so I didn't way much of anything). So I can't understand why he won't talk to me. Twice he has said he would talk to me and he would call but he doesn't. I don't understand why he agrees to talk to me if he doesn't want to. I didn't have to talk him into it either time so I really don't understand why he is acting this way. It is way out of character for him. We were together for 6 years and I just don't see why it has to end on a bad note. We loved and cared aout eachother for 6 years so for him to keep brushing me off like this is very difficult to understand. The odd thing is I wasn't angry when he broke up with me. I was upset and sad and confused but not angry. Now I'm getting angry. I don't want to feel this way. THat's not how I want to remember him.

So you were together since she was 18? Even more so I think you need to give her the time to figure out what she wants. Show her you respect her enough to give her the time and space to figure it out and she will probably end up respecting you for doing that. You mentioned that there were things you felt needed to be worked on or resolved before you could have moved on with her. Also in her letter she mentioned something about trust. Have these issues been resolved? If not, take this time apart to try and figure out how to resolve them if the opportunity for reconciliation comes up.

I'm sorry you are in such pain. I understand how hard this is. My relationship lasted 6 years and I also thought we would always be together. I think the best thing you can do right now is give her the space and time she needs to figure out what she wants. Don't push her or you may push her away. Show her how much you care about her by giving her what she wants. Then go out and do something for yourself. If you don't mind me asking, how old is she?

It does not sound to me like it is hopeless but then again I don't know her. Give her some time and space and see what happens. No more begging and pleading. She has told you she needs to work on herself so give her the respect of letting her do it. Also have respect for yourself and do some things for you. Sometimes spending some time apart is a good thing. How long is she going to be gone? Also, for #2 - how did you hurt her? Has the problem been resolved? Can it be resolved?

There is a difference between ADD and ADHD. ADHD has the hyperactivity attached to it so not only is it difficult to concentrate it is difficult to sit still. I have been a teacher for 11 years and have seen several kids who have been diagnosed with ADHD. Not all kids who are "energetic" or don't want to pay attention are AHDH. I have watched kids who are truly trying to concentrate and actually get very upset with themselves when they can't. This is not being lazy. Of course there are just as many if not more where it is lack of motivation or laziness. I have also seen kids who are so hyperactive that they have little control over what they do - they NEED to move around. They literally cannot sit still for long periods of time. In contrast ADD just affects your level of concentration. It affects different people differently. My son was diagnosed with ADD but not until he was 21 years old. He was not hyperactive in school and always got good grades. He now tells me how hard it was for him to concentrate and that he would actually see the words jumping around on the page at times. He didn't realize at the time that this wasn't normal. If you can't concentrate on things you are interested in then you should think about being tested by a psychologist. If it is mainly things that you are not that interested in then that is another story. Being a troublemaker in school does not mean you are ADHD. It could be a number of things. You said you live with an uncle. If there are family problems that cause you not to live at home then that can cause you to be a troublemaker at school and also cause you to not be able to concentrate very well. Your best bet would be to see a psychologist. There are many that work on a sliding scale if you cannot afford it. Are you still in school? If so they may be able to refer you to someone without charge. There could be many different reasons for why you feel the way you do. Don't try and diagnose it yourself. Good luck!

I have seen it happen several times and all for different reasons. A lot depends on why the break up occurred in the first place and how each person handled it. I know you want hope but you can't really predict what will happen with you by what has happened with others. Each situation is unique. How long was your relationship and what happened to break it up?

I am sorry you are going through such pain. Nothing I can say will make it any better. Only time can do that and it will happen. But I can tell you that even though it doesn't seem like it now you are probably much better off that this happened. I was married at 18 and it was a very big misktake. We were married for 11 years but I was only really happy for 1 of those years. You may think you know what you want right now but believe me you will be going through some very dramatic changes in the next 5 - 10 years and what you want now may be very different than what you are going to want then. Right now you should be concentrating on you. What do you want out of life? Go out with friends. Have fun. Travel and do things that will be difficult to do once you are married with children. I wish I would have done all of those things. I know you feel alone and unsure of what to do now but honestly do you really want the rest of your life planned out already???? Take the time you need to get to know yourself and what you want before you plan out your entire life. You have plenty of time to figure it out.

This is the quoe I was referring to.

How is it different for guys as far as being able to turn it around?

If he really wants you to trust him again he should have no problem with these "boundaries". Unfortunately you still do not trust him and that is a major sign. You are driving yourself crazy wondering if he can be trusted and chances are that he can't. Even if he is being faithful to you, you have been through so much with him that you will probably never be able to trust him. You will always wonder about little things. It's not worth it. Several years ago I dated a man that I found out was cheating on me. We broke up and got back together several times. Each time I tried to trust him but questioned everything he said and did. It was too stressful. I finally broke up with him and vowed not to give him another chance. He started sending me flowers at least once a week. SOme to my home some to my work. THis went on for a few months. I did not respond but I felt it was his way of trying to get me back again. I found out later that while he was sending me the flowers he was engaged to someone else!!! I never should have given him all the chances that I did. I wasted a lot of time and energy on him. Not to mention driving myself nuts questioning everything. My next relationship was a very honest one. I totally trusted him and never questioned what he said or did. WHAT A DIFFERENCE!!!!! It was so nice to just be able to trust someone and believe everything he told me. You deserve that type of relationship. Don't waste your time with a cheater. There are plenty of good ones out there.