pacopaco

hmmm... I guess my situation is a bit different. The last time I spoke with my ex girlfriend, that's what she told me, that she needed a friend. She cheated on me, and her affair didn't work out for her. I told her that we could be friends, but we'd end up talking about the same things i.e. what caused her to cheat, and why she treated me badly. At one point in the conversation, she said she trusted me to know what was best for us both, but she didn't want a relationship. I also feel that I don't want to get into a relationship right now, but we still do love each other. She said so, and so did I. because it was her boss she cheated with, who still says to her that he's a friend, I opted out of the "friend" deal. If he's a friend of hers ( a lying, cheating SOB who knew about me, and was looking to get into her pants, and another girl that works there), I really don't want to be put into that category. It feels a lot like being used. She wants advice from me, and she wants support, fine, but what am I going to get? I told her I couldn't do that, that I deserve more. I may have made a mistake, as I did tell that I wanted to friends and take things slow, start over, and rediscover ourselves, and deal with the pain together, but with the thought in mind of being together.She messed herself up pretty good in doing what she did, but I can't be this sideline guy, and that's what it feels like to me. I'm no one's Dr. Phil! I asked her to not call me again. here she was talking about how we should take a road trip, and do things. In my mind i'm thinking "HUH?" I don't know where it's going, because we did have a very beautiful friendship before we got together.

I mean, really. what is up with that, and why does it seem to be a universal cop-out? I don't get it. I've been through too much pain to be friends with my ex, but that's what she says she wants. She wants to be how we were before we were together. Though I see the beauty in that, I have also been through too much to be put into this pool of people she calls friends, mainly co-workers. Why cannot a person either let go of you, or try and work on the issues of the breakup/cheating/ rift in your connection? I'm open to being friends, but not "Just Friends." it seems childish and silly to me, so why do people want it?

hi, I don't know if this will help, but my ex and I split in Febuary of 2006. She left, I stayed. All year I was lonley, and I held on more for myself. We split, I was unemplyed, and I wasn't about to lose my apartment without trying to find work. I found work, and I was able to stay all year long. Now, however, I think that I have done whatever I needed to do in that apartment. She found herself a place in late November,and I feel that I need to leave all the memories, where they happened. For me, moving out is moving on. This time I am leaving on my own terms, and no one can say anything to me about that. I'm going to my parents home, who offered me my old room back, even. This will be a good time for me to save money and really aquaint myself with who I was before I met my ex-girlfriend. It's the best thing for me to do, I feel.

My ex and I broke up in February of 2006. I stayed in the apartment, but I want to leave. I am moving out, and I'm leaving the memories where they happened. I have a lot of photos, and letters, though, that I don't know what to do with. they're stored right now in the dark part of the closet. I don't look at them, or think about them now. I just don't know what to do with that stuff. suggestions?

Hi. I have "friend-girls" from high school. nothing weird or sexual has ever happened with them. They're more like sisters I can drink with. I'm 33. yeah, a man can be friends with someone they've known that long, but that doesn't seem to be your real issue, or his.

It makes me so sad that she wasnt strong enough to try for me.. the way I did for her. sometimes that's the saddest thing, but keep in mind that you are strong, all you need do now is be strong for you. Some people aren't even strong enough for themselves.

Hi, i feel you man. I'm going through the same thing. NC has nothing to do with not wanting her. it has to do with you. I think you and i need to be selfish for our own sakes. It's tough because you want to tell her to not contact you, but that would be breaking contact. Don't respond to the email. write it all out, and throw it away. it is hard, i know. I feel the same way, where I don't even know my ex anymore, and though I still love her, and she claims to love me, I feel I don't know who she is anymore, only who she was and I can't be friends with her. I have also changed.

thank you hope, what you say is true. deep inside myself I was thinking of using this girl as a bargaining chip. She's done no wrong to me, and has only been sincere with me, telling me she likes me and finds me attractive. I'd be so wrong to go tell the ex any of this for wanting to force her hand. that would so much put me in the realm with the A-Hole Guy crowd. And you are right. It's been since February, and my ex has exhibited a pattern and wanting to work things out and then backing out once she hears something she doesn't like. It's gone on long enough. If this new girl wants to stick around, it could be as friends. I don't think I want a friend with benefits, but I'm not ready for a relationship either, no way.

yeah. I figured as much. throughout this breakup, I have been kind to her, not played games, and have just been myself. I feel that now, after meeting someone new, is the test of that person I saw myself being after all these things happened to me. I'm not going to play mind games. not this late in the state of things. for what? The new girl? I don't think I'm ready for her. If she doesn't want to be friends with me, I guess I'll have to let her go too, because I'm just not ready, i feel. i'm still afraid, and seeing that her approaching me and telling me she liked me was shocking, all i can basically say is "thank you for the compliments," but I'm not ready. I'm glad I haven't "done anything" with her. it would have become messy, indeed. I feel I can still be friends and walk away from it all with my dignity, and self respect intact.

good advice. I'm not telling the ex anything. and I'm going to keep it on a friend level with the new girl. I also am going back to NC, I think. Now that this situation has presented itself ( i wasn't looking for anyone to be interested in me just yet,) I think it's a good test for me. the last thing I want to do is A) Use New Girl as a kind of bargaining chip, and B) become exactly what the guy my ex cheated in. A selfish jerk without any feeling of accountability. Yes, I still have feelings for my ex, but it isn't working for me. and this new girl that has just appeared, i think appeared too soon. My timing is off, emotionally. I think back to NC with the ex is the best thing for me right now.

I did let her go. i was forced to. I didn't ask for the infidelity. I did let her go, asn I did get angry, and in my head I called her every name in the book. After I was done letting go, I realised that I still love her. I love her person. i don't want to manipulate her into making any kind of decision, I just want her to know that I am a good man for her. that I care for her, and though I know she made a mistake, mistakes are there to be made, but I can't hold on to nothing. all year I've been dealing with intangibles, and I can't anymore.

this is a very very good point, rosie. very good indeed, hell, I guess deep down i was thinking that New Girl is a sort of bargaining chip, I can use to say "step up, or step out." that would be so wrong of me to do, and believe me, that last thing i want to do to anyone is put them through the pain I went through. Also, it would put me right in there with the jerks of the world. I don't want to become that. I don't wish it on my enemies. you're right I do still love my ex, and she loves me still. she said it and it shows, but I guess in the end, it all comes from this feeling that I don't know what to do about her. Time? take time? thank you for this post rosie, it's eye opening.

cruel? see, that's the thing here. I haven't done anything with this new girl, as a matter of fact, I wasn't even looking for her, she introduced herself to me, and came on to me. It felt good that a woman was so forward with me, but I've kept the new girl on a "friend" status so far until she said to me "I like you, and I'm very comfortable with you, and I think you're an attractive man." That's when I said to myself "Ok, this can go someplace." New Girl has not said she wants a relationshiop, or is just looking to have fun times, and I have not pushed it. I guess what I really wanted to tell the ex is something along the lines of "look, I know you messed up, you know I forgive you, and we love each other, but I've been getting some serious attention from someone else, and I need to know what you want to do about us. Love me or let me go." Right now New Girl, I don't hink is in any place where I will hurt her. I've been a gentleman, but I've been treading very slowly, because I don't want to hurt her. I think her attraction to me is sincere, and I'd hate to come off as a player on account of someone else who messed up. So what do you mean by cruel?

absolutely. I don't want to mislead the new girl. that would put me right into jerk status with the guy my ex cheated on. no, the new girl is not being mislead. She isn't a rebound, as I feel a year has passed since my breakup. She's a nice girl too, sweet, and funny. No, I'm not manipulating her, or misleading her. I would rather not see her, because cheating cheaters, players, and infidelity all hurt no matter what side of it you're on, unless you fall into jerk status.

I recently met another girl who is laying the attention thick. She's said to me she likes me, and is very comfortable with me, and that she enjoys my personality. I broke up with my ex in February. She cheated on me, but has admitted all year what a big mistake she made. She knows she lost someone very special. She's told me she still loves me, and regrets this whole year. She also has said that she doesn't know where she is at, and that she feels loast, floating. I believe all these things, and I have forgiven a lot of what has happened. we have been intimate, and we still see each other once in a while, but not always to be intimate. I still love her, and I truly believe that people make mistakes. she has a good heart, and we know each other like no one else does. Anyway, I was thinking of telling her about this girl I met. I have not been intimate with the girl, but with how she flatters me and all, I know something is going to happen. As far as telling my ex, it is not for fear of guilt, or like i'm doing wrong, but it's more like saying "I have kept your seat warm next to me, and now someone new has asked me to sit." I'm not torn by this, as I know there is nothing I can do to get my ex to start thinking about us again, but I also want to let her know that I am moving on, without making it sound like an ultimatum. or is an ultimatum what some people really need? I don't think that is t he case. One friend told me. "Look, your ex, still loves you, look at the things she says and does. Her head isn't clear right now, so you just sit back and ejnoy your own ride, because she (the ex) isn't goig anywhere because she still wants you in her life." So should I tell her? I'm a living man, and the attention i'm getting from this new girl is starting to break me down. The new girl doesn't know about my breakup, as we've only known each other since a little before thanksgiving, and I didn't think it was her business, but she said she'd like to get to know me better. what to do, what to do...

that's the thing. i'm not "trying" to get her back. It just all feels weird. like she's trying to get me back, and i think we just have an agreement that despite her mess up, we're good friends, and we're good together. i don't know.

what do you mean?

I broke up with my ex in Feb. due to an infidelity on her part. recently she just got her own place, and is seemingly doing well. we have been speaking. sometimes about things in general, but a lot about us. I told her I was happy for her in her new place. She invited me over on Sunday, and I went just to wish her well. While there, we talked a lot, and she recognizes what she gave up. She admitted to having a good life with me, and her mistake was a big one full of regrets. While we both acknowledged that we still had feelings for each other, I told her that she needs to live on her own and be by herself and figure things out. She said to me that she is thinking about who this "other person" was that hurt me, that she didn't think she was capable of having an affair. I told her that these are good things to think about. She said she is afraid to face them. She is selfish, knows it, and apologized. we talked and had a good time, just talking about our feelings. I expressed to her the insecurity she put on me, she apoligized again and again. what is bugging me though, is that she was very touchy with me, and wanted hugs, and wanted to hug and kiss me. She asked me to stay the night with her, and I politely declined, but gave in later. did I mess up? The next day, I bought her a can of pepper spray because her siter was almost raped right outside of her new apartment. Her sister does not live with her but sometimes stays weekends and goes for morning jogs, yes this attempted rape happened in broad daylight! what nerve. I told my ex that what heppened between us has nothing to do with my concern for she and her sister being safe. So I bought the pepper spray, and called her to pick it up after work. well, what happened was that I forgot the pepper spray at work. She lives two blocks from where I work, and so I offered to pick it up and drive to her place once she was home. She called and said "why don't I pick you up, get the spray, and take you home?" I said ok. when she showed up, I got in the car, and she said "you left your light on." i replied "well, I'm coming back." she said "you are?" we kidded and I said "are you kidnapping me?" She said "kind of, i can bring you home in the morning." I said ok. we went to trader joe's and took a little drive before going to her place. again we talked, and again we had sex. I felt good. both of these days didn't feel bad. I think it was the talking and sharing and not just the jumping into bed that made it feel as it should. Come yesterday, a piece of mail from the IRS, that looked important came for her to my house (we used to live together) and so I called her again to come and pick it up, or i can drop it off once she is inside her home and safe. My intent was just to drop it off. She said she'd come over and pick it up. She came, and I invited her to stay. we talked again. she told me she had ben thinking about "us" all week, and said that she believes there are people who just met, and there are people who are meant to be. I asked her where we fall in, She said "I think we're meant to be." We then talked about how we both need time to think and sort out, and figure things out. all this time, our conversations are going really well. very expressive, and honest. when it's time to go to bed, I tried initiating sex with her. it was about three in the morning, my bad. She said "no," which is ok, but she further went to say "I don't want to be confused, I don't feel sexual." i was like "huh? what about Sunday and Monday night? you were feeling sexual then." A "no, I'm tired" would have been ok with me, or a "how about later?" anything but what she told me because I felt it contradicted her recent behavior, and now I felt used. I told her I felt she used me those two days. out of lonliness, fear of being alone in her place in a bad neighborhood, what ever. She then changed her tune and said "look, i'm just so tired, I work so much and i'm burned out." which is true. she works 12+ days six days a week. I can respect that. but why bring up another reason? I fel bummed out, because I was happy for her that she got a new place, and I was happy that she was realising what she lost, and I was happy that she is thinking about things to better herself and figure out who she is. This morning I get this email, which I don't understand: i know that sometimes i can be just into my own feelings...what else is new. but i don't want to do things i don't feel like doing anymore. i helped a lot in your insecurities, for that i am very sorry. i take full responsibility. i want to change things. i do. not just with you and i, but with my lifestyle. i think it's just the beginning of my career...and yours will soon begin as well. i am not sure of a lot of things, but i can deal with that. i don't want to deal with confusion. or anger. or resentment. or guilt. i need to let go of a lot of things. you're right about that. thanks for being understanding. and just know, that not a lot of things are personal. it's just something that i'm going through. I don't know what to do. go back to NC, or not do NC and if she calls she calls. I'm fine in my own life now, and I do things I want to do. Any serious advice would help, not just "forget about her," kind of talk. This isn't hurting me more than it is confusiing me.

I learned that it isn't until after a breakup that you truly know the other person. all the warts do come out. I learned that I am the man I thought I was. I stayed dignified, and a gentleman throughout my breakup. It killed her that I wasn't mean. I learned that NC is the way to go, as tough as it is. It isn't about them it's about you (me) healing. I learned that when a person is so messed up they can't decide "what they want." you have to make the decision for them, and just leave. I learned that I have power over my thought, emotion, and action. I learned I have no power over someone's thought, emotion, and action. Letting go feels pretty good.

hi stunned, I can relate, man. really. My ex took forever to take her things from our apartment after we broke up. I hated it. It's very irritating to think that thet left you and still want to leave "something." My still has not taken my name off of the car we bought together. It's funny what people will hold on to. sometimes it's the dumbest thing, just to keep a connection. As if the car we bought together defined our relationship. What you need to do is tell her to come get her things. don't threaten to throw anything away, that'll just make you look like a jerk. Just be stern, and tell how things are going to be. I had to, and boy, did I feel better for it. I just said "Look, I want to move forward, and I need you to get your things out of here. This not about you, it's about me. come get your things." that did the trick.

hi, i got two emails yesterday from the ex. one asking if I had paid her car resgistration, and that he'd mail me a check if I had. the next email, immediately after, said "disregard the last email. I checked my back account, and I did pay it." well, I disregarded both emails. first of all, why would i pay for her vehicle registration, and second, if i had paid it, I'd have told her. The emails were nothing more than a BS ploy, i feel to get me to respond. why would she want me to respond to that? I don't know, but i've stopped asking why. games, my friend, games. sometimes people play them, and don't even know they're doing it. sometimes a person knows full well. my speculation is that she sent the second email asking to disregard because she saw her error. that it's dumb. why she sent the first one, who knows. fishing.

right on! it'll all get better. I used to drive around and go into the bar where she'd meet up with her boss, saying "what an ugly dive, whay would she come here with him, this was better than me? bla bla bla..." until I said to myself "there is nothing for me here, nothing at all. I can get a beer elsewhere." what I am saying is that there's nothing for you on that dating site. don't go there.

yeah, just ride the wave. We've all had to. My girlfriend of 7 years (whom I lived with) had an affair with her boss. for a while, I was going nuts. you'll find posts about me here too. let the pain move in you until it moves out of you. it will. don't text, email, call. just know that "I'll be ok." say it to yourself, until it's true. "I'll be ok, i'll be ok." it is hard, believe me, but things do get better. what happened to me happened in Februaay, and i didn't know how i was going to make it. I'm here, I'm still working through my feelings, but you know, I'm ok, and I will be ok. you will too, just please don't text him. he isn't worth the charge to your cell phone.