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pacopaco

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Everything posted by pacopaco

  1. pacopaco
    ah. I see. i hope so. I feel powerless right now, except for my one ounce of strength. I guess I want it now, but I must be patient, no?
  2. pacopaco
    I don't understand. I will what?
  3. pacopaco
    I think my feeling also come from the fact that I gave my power. I never got a shift in that power. Whenever we'd see each other, it was for her, while I was thinking that we'd start to work on our issues. I never got that sense of a power shift, and I wanted it. I wanted to hear her say she wanted me back, and that she'd do anything to have me back after her betrayal, but it never came to that. It was always "I'm confused." she'd have sex with me one day, and then say a few days later, that she's confused, she'd go away, then come back. I feel like a fool, and I so wanted to have that power shift back to me.
  4. pacopaco
  5. pacopaco
    it's true, it does feel there is a void. I don't want to be with her anymore. she cheated on me, but I guess it is still the emotional detachment that I am needing, and it hasn't taken place yet, one year later. I sometimes think that I'll be in this rut forever, and I don't want to be.
  6. pacopaco
    thanks for this. I guess I feel weird about it all because I'm asking myself "It's been a year (in FEb) why am I still going through this?" could be because I didn't really go through it last year? I'm tired of feeling drained and weak in spirit.
  7. pacopaco
    that's the thing, though. it's been a month. She didn't let go all year, and I wonder, has she let go now? I think I have a fear of letting go too, though I haven't actually tried. I'm afraid of the "what if she calls again?" All of my friends and family are telling me to expect her to still call. they say "She's been calling you all year,and you've told her to stop, you think she's going to stop just because it's a new year?" I'm kind of scared of this. She drained my strength last year, and I have just found an ounce of it inside myself after this total month of NC. I'm just feeling really scared right now. it's almost like it's all hitting me again for the first time. I feel scared, nervous, anger, and sadness.
  8. pacopaco
    hi all, I have been in NC for a month. it's weird, as we broke up last Feb. but kept in touch periodically throughout the year. The day before this last new year's eve, I asked her not to contact me anymore. She had this pattern of calling about every other month or month and a half. well it's been a month now, and it is hard. I don't want to call or email. I won't. My thoughts have gone onto things like "Is she thinking of me, does she miss me, and who is she seeing, if anyone." I know none of this should be anything to me, as I am trying to let go. I just thought it would be easier to do than this, after a year.
  9. pacopaco
    Hi, I posted earlier in the thread, and have been following. Cyp, I went through all this last year. My ex cheated on me in Feb. we stayed in contact periodically all year long. If your ex calls, do not answer. I made the biggest mistake in staying in contact with her. It brought me pain on top of pain. We'd meet, talk a little, have sex, maybe go out to dinner and then end up in the same sad confused state. To be honest, it's only been a month of total NC, and it hurts now, a year later. I felt like you. "She lost her way, she didn't mean this." But the truth was that she got what she wanted (whatever that is,) and it wasn't me. I knew her for ten years, seven of which we were together for. Don't contact her, don't let her contact you. It hurts. it really does. it hurts me now, and i think "how much would I have healed, if I hadn't spoken to that woman all year?" I may have been able to speak to her now. Who knows. As it is, though, I am angry. I feel that she was calling me for her own reasons that have nothing to do with loving me, or caring. Be it her guilt, shame, whatever, it had nothing to do with me, even the sex had nothing to do with me. Don't put yourself there. Heal. Heal well, and expect nothing from a person with the lowest potential.
  10. pacopaco
    WOW! this is really good. I was having the same problem all last year.. She'd call, saod she "missed" me, etc. we'd end up sleeping together only to hear from her "I'm confused," after we'd do it. All the while here I was thinking "We're having sex, we must be reconnecting, it must be real," but it never was. it is tough because you're left empty and used, and again your hopes are dashed. This was a pattern she had all last year. She'd leave me alone for about a month and a half, and then call again. same thing. I asked her a month ago to please stop contacting me. I had said it before, and she wouldn't do it. This time I said, though, I don't think she will. I haven't seen her in all of 2007!
  11. pacopaco
    Hi Joe, ten years? man, I new my ex for that long, too, though we weren't together for the first three years we knew each other. It is difficult. are you still in contact with your ex? why did you guys end?
  12. pacopaco
    Hi Ellen, i think you're right. I also had a lot of contact last year with my ex. in fact, the last time I saw her was the day before New Year's Eve where i asked her not to contact me anymore, so in reality it's only been a month of NC, so maybe that's why I feel like it's happeing all over again. I also had the hope all last year of reconciling, but it didn't happen. I think what I am finally going through is the loss. she hasn't contacted me, and I have not contacted her.
  13. pacopaco
    I feel like i'm degenerating. I posted about this yesterday. I went to her house (she's two blocks from where I work) and rang the buzzer, like an idiot not expecting to hear anyone, but she answered. I took off. in the year that all this has happened, I haven't done anything like this. I wasn't stalking, or calling or anything, and now it seems like i'm starting to do those things, like becoming obsessive. I don't like it, and I don't like it about myself. I don't know what is happeneing with me. Actually, it could be that anger is just running with the emotion of leaving the apartment we shared.
  14. pacopaco
    I feel angry. I guess it's all just coming out. I feel that she had the audacity to cheat on me, and not even try to try hard to get me back. I feel as though I was just clutter to be removed. I'm reall angry. I've been for about a week now.
  15. pacopaco
    actually, it'll be in Februaury that it'll be a year. for a 7 year relationship, is this still fresh?Is it fresh for her? I ask because I have a lot of anger right now. all last year she wouldn't not leave me alone, which was partly my mistake. I've had NC (so has she) for a little over a month now. is it because we saw each other periodically last year, that things still seem raw? I still feel pain, and anger. when does it go away?
  16. pacopaco
    thanks for this. I know i was hurting myself. I think all this anger is coiming out of me as I am getting ready to leave the apartment we once shared. I'm feeling anger, loss, and well, cheated. I know that these feelings have nothing to do with her, and that they are mine. I guess i'm just going through another phase in healing. I have had NC for a month now, and she hasn't called or emailed either after my request to not speak anymore, but still I wonder if she's going through similar emotions etc. I'm just angry!
  17. pacopaco
    Hi. I was with a girl 7 years and she cheated on me too. what you posted above, I can so understand from you, but you'll probably find that she wasn't lost. I know it hurts to read, but it may be true. She wasn't lost, and she meant to do what she did.
  18. pacopaco
    when I started working where I do, I started going out for walks. It turned out the ex moved two blocks from where i work. Now seeing that I had already been walking those blocks, and she'd be at work anyway, I didn't stop my walking. It's not like I'd see her, and I didn't, but I did something so so stupid to myself. I was walking,and decided to "chime" in her apartment. I went up to the metal box and punched the code-SHE ANSWERED! I didn't even hang up, I just ran. now maybe she wasn't home, as I figure you can link up those dialer boxes to a cell phone. Maybe she was at work, i don't know, but i don't think that's the point. but then I got to thinking stupid thoughts. if she is home, then who's car is this and such and such. How could she have lied to me and is now naked with her boss inside there for a lunch quickie. i was thinking these things. There are so many cars on the block, it's a ridiculous thought. I can't wait to move out of here on the 15th, but why now am I starting to deteriorate? I have access to phone records, and I see they call each other at weird times of the night for a long time. He calls during the day while they're working, which seems pretty obssesive and lame to me. Some of the calls occur after she called me! Booty Call? Sure, or who cares, i know. Everytime I spoke with her she said it was strictly work after her affair with him, and that she satys clear away from him out of the office-YEAH RIGHT! In all of last year, though, I didn't do anything like this, why now? I feel bad, I hurt myself today and what a waste it all is for so much time invested. I guess i just need for someone to tell me something, or at least (so that I'll listen) beat me on the side of the head with a cell phone!
  19. pacopaco
    ha! thanks for the compliment, N2BM. I'm not sure what I mean by "change" feelings. it's part transfer, part moving them to where I want them to be. For example, I know you miss lying next to her. I did too, but immediately after she left the apartment, I was sleeping like a baby. I missed her too, but it really tripped me out that I could sleep. I had to ask myself. "Shouldn't I be more messed up than this? Why can I sleep?" So i took that and began to look, slowly, at not only how I feel about other things, but even how I DON'T feel about some things. Look at how you don't feel about some things. Ask yourself sincerely "Why am I sad/angry/feeling helpless...etc." are you feeling this because you really miss the snoring, or is it something else? Of course it's something else. It's her. Why is it her, and so on. if it something else, focus on that until you find it. That's how I work anyway. I'll take a thing and dig deper into it, like the layers of an onion, you find out, and peel away, find out, peel away. soon, you'll get to where there is nothing to peel, and just a small core. the small core is you.
  20. pacopaco
    Uh, thanks for putting this on me. I know what your saying, but you may want to work on your delivery.
  21. pacopaco
    this says a lot.
  22. pacopaco
    WOW! N2BM. This is partly why I'm angry. She'd have guy frinds, or maybe her sister was going out with some guy and it was always "Man, he's the smartest guy I know," or some other BS. This was even an issue I'd address. After we broke up, all last year she was coming around saying "I know I lost a good thing," and " I still need you as a friend. I respect your opinions and advice." That fires me up. She didn't respect me, and whatever advice I have to give is no longer for her. The whole time last year it was "I love you," and then back to some stupid confusion state. It makes me angry, like i was being used, or trying to be used, even for sex! She'd lead me on, and in my mind i was thinking "Well, we're getting intimate again, maybe these things are just baby steps in the right direction." i don't think that now.,. I just think she wanted back the familiarity of me. I do believe she has regret, but only in terms of what she did to herself, not to me. She has no shame, either. She still there at the same job with her boss. I don't ever want her back, and I don't want to be friends with her. We had a beautiful friendship even before we were together, she ruined that, and it's a damned shame.
  23. pacopaco
    well my friend is a good friend, and he knows my situation. It is true, though, that I made up excuses for her behavior. I don't like that. I do hold her accountable for her actions, and I do blame her for hurting me, the blame is all hers. I was looking back and asked myself "gee I must have done something to make her cheat on me." In college, she never did. there were men there. She's always had guy friends, I was one. she never cheated then, either, so I was thinking "why now?" and then come up with some excuse. "oh she's a dysfunctional person, she would never have done that if she wasn't," that kind of thing; not blaming me, mind you, but not really putting blame where is goes.
  24. pacopaco
    funny that I basically posted the same thing. I don't know if the anger is forward or backwards either.
  25. pacopaco
    I agree with Orlander. DON'T DO IT! you read the letters, put them back away or burn them, BUT DO NOT COMMUNICATE WITH THAT PERSON! Let it go.
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