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Silentlyfor

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Everything posted by Silentlyfor

  1. Silentlyfor
    "I love you and you're too good to give up." yeah... right... * * * * *.
  2. Silentlyfor
    Here here!! I feel the same way about my past relationship. I think I've become a infinitely stronger man after my ex and I part ways. It was glorious to grow and to learn from the, albiet painful, experience... but I've learned so much... in 3 months because of it. It's astounding what can happen.... in such a short time.... Anyway... you're right everything does happen for a reason..
  3. Silentlyfor
    Agreed. I remember when I left a lot of myself behind in my later teen years. I didn't know if I changed, grew up, or what. Now I'm realizing a few things about myself and a lot of who I was BACK THEN came back. Losing yourself however, well that depends. I do believe we all go through transformations throughout our lives early OR late. However... if a part of you is gone, a belief, moral, or close interest, that's not a weakness. However... you are making the choice of letting a part of you die... and no matter the reason... it feels horrible no matter what.
  4. Silentlyfor
    I hear ya man... I hear ya.
  5. Silentlyfor
    The dichotomy of good and evil was something I thought was farcical and simply a label by those who favor or disfavor actions, ideas, or beliefs. Now... I don't know... I feel evil describes the baseness of our nature. The dark pit in ourselves that we can act upon. To me, evil is not how we act, but what we inherently act upon whether greed, anger, jealousy(person experience, here), fear or otherwise. Controlling or understanding evil that's... that's harder.
  6. Silentlyfor
    So for those of you that know me, I was drawn to the boards mainly to deal with my year long relationship that ended. With that coming to a close, my grief nearly gone, and my confindence coming back in full, I'm still at ends a little bit. For the past 2 months, even during my grief, I was writing quite a bit to somewhat... channel my pain. I've now taken to writing 1000 words a day to practice and too season myself toward a writing career. I've also undertaken a new faith, Wicca, just a month a go... I've just started my dedication to this religion and already I feel spiritually fullfilled... So now I'm outside of my own selfish head. I'm 23. I'm now on my own for the first time. I've SEEMED to find myself... so I have to ask... What next? what directions should I take in terms of maturing myself? Should I just focus on writing... I don't know... I just feel I could get more from my life right now... but I don't know what it is I'm missing? Has anyone had this feeling before and do you have any suggestions and what I might be feeling right now?
  7. Silentlyfor
    Extraversion |||||||||||| 43% Stability |||||||||||| 46% Orderliness |||||| 23% Accommodation |||||| 30% Interdependence |||||||||||||| 56% Intellectual |||||||||||||||| 70% Mystical |||||||||||||||||||| 90% Artistic |||||||||||| 43% Religious |||||||||||||| 56% Hedonism || 10% Materialism |||||||||||| 43% Narcissism |||||||||||||| 56% Adventurousness |||||||||||| 50% Work ethic |||||||||||| 43% Self absorbed |||||||||||||||||||| 90% Conflict seeking |||||||||||| 43% Need to dominate |||||||||||||||| 63% Romantic || 10% Avoidant |||||||||||||||||||| 90% Anti-authority |||||||||||||||||||| 83% Wealth |||||| 23% Dependency |||||||||||||||| 63% Change averse |||||||||||| 50% Cautiousness |||||||||||||||||||| 83% Individuality |||||||||||||| 56% Sexuality |||||||||||| 50% Peter pan complex |||||||||||||||| 70% Physical security |||||||||||||||| 63% Physical Fitness |||||||||||| 44% Histrionic |||||| 30% Paranoia |||||||||||||| 56% Vanity |||||||||||||||||| 76% Hypersensitivity |||||||||||||||||||| 90% Female cliche |||||||||||| 43% Yeah... this test frightens me a bit. But essentially, that's me.
  8. Silentlyfor
    This is what she said when we were lost in a forest somewhere when we were hiking AFTER we were found. "Oh honey. I though you were going to break up with me after that." During that whole escapade... I didn't say a gods damn thing.
  9. Silentlyfor
    It means he's starting NC... I'm sorry Didyoumissme. He wants nothing to do with you. I know.. because my ex said the same exact thing to me. And that's pretty much what they are saying. He, like my ex with myself, wants nothing to do with you. And trust me.... even though you want to contact them and tell them how much you care.... it is the most painful thing in the world.
  10. Silentlyfor
    Wish I followed that advice. GOD!! I FEEL SO FREAKIN' DENSE!! JEEZ!!
  11. Silentlyfor
    I HATE having dreams about my ex. They always reopen my wounds when I wake up. But this dream... it scared me.... This dream... well... In this dream I created a new MSN chat name to talk to her and we did.... Jesus... That scared me. I woke up thinking I was still in that dream... In that dream... I stalked her.... This is scaring me. Anyway, very jarred today. And it's not cool that my mind dwells on this. Oh well. Grief and loss, right?
  12. Silentlyfor
    Oh didyoumissme. That's the withdrawal and he's the drug. I know you WANT him back. I know you think he's the best thing that's ever happened to you and you don't want to let him go. I know because I have that urge. Now the only urge I have now is not to tell my ex that I love her(oh god. even typing that turns my stomache). The only thing left is my want to tell her off for how much I gave to her and then her just turning my back on me. But hey, don't get me wrong. This experience has changed me. It's made me realize that I can change and I can grow and I can fight my way through the worst pain in the world. Now, next time it happens, I can at least find the techniques to force my way past it. I'm a change man because of this and you have to realize you can't change if you yearn for him back. Lest we let one of the worst people in our lives back into our lives. And, if you've seen what I've typed about Chloe... well.. you know how horrible she is.
  13. Silentlyfor
    Guys... despite my last few days of depression and bawling episodes, I've been doing so good lately. I've barely thought of anything that happened and when I do, I don't emotionally react to it. I still have some depressing days, however, those are far and few in between. In the last 2 months, I've really found out who I am. A passionate, intellectual and faithful person that can take things a little too personally. I admit I didn't act terribly adult when I can into these boards, but I think I've learned to work past this kind of selfishness. I've grown several years in two months. I would not take this back for anything in the world, even if it was one of the most grievous pains in my life. As for my ex, I hope I never see or hear of her again. If your new to the boards, read my posts. You'd know why I can't even consider her a friend, let alone a person worthy of respect. I want to move on guys and now, when I say it, I mean it. I'm not saying it's truly over, but time moves on and the wound is closing. It's time to say good bye to the past... and get real. Thank you everyone. This has been one of the best growing experiences of my life.
  14. Silentlyfor
    Allie, no worries. You've given a lot to me. More than you know. I would like to say you are one of the crucial sources I drew from here that pulled me from a shadowy pit of fire. Trust me, nobody here is going to begrudge you 2 weeks for a some vacation time. Great advice btw. A worthy read(another sticky inmo). EVERYONE that visits this forum should read this.
  15. Silentlyfor
    Good girl! The hardest fact to face is that you don't need them. They don't care about you right now but you have a future without them. You don't need to be kept on a leash because they want you there. I know... I almost cringed and came back. Now I'm wondering why I wanted a friendship... *shudder* didyoumissme, you're making the right choice. And if you need someone to talk to instead, send me a msg or anyone else here. WE will help you.
  16. Silentlyfor
    Thank you. You're right. I"m feeling pretty good right now (despite being sick and crying once in a while). And it's coming to the point where it's not a matter of 'IF' but a matter of 'WHEN'. I've converted to Wicca just yesterday, so religion is going to be a part of my daily life from now on. I've a year and a half of study as well before I become a full fledged Witch, however. Exercise is something I don't usually have the motivation to do, but I do like to walk once in a while and it does help me think and mode my thinking into something constructive and palatable. I must thank everyone on these boards. I hope you guys have been helped by myself as much as I helped all of you.
  17. Silentlyfor
    K... Stop contacting him. He sounds like he doesn't care for you. Just let him go inmo.
  18. Silentlyfor
    Nc day 19... This is tough. I'm bawling my eyes out for that horrible women. evey time I cry, though, I let something else go.
  19. Silentlyfor
    Personally... I refused to believe that my first gf(now ex) was my first love. I acknowledge the experience more as a trial relationship. One where you make all the mistakes you are probably going to make and a time to realize that the person you 'DATE' is not the one. Yes, I naively loved her like a little school boy. So? Pain, unfortuneately is a normal part of a first relationship. And what I did was I gave everything back to her that she ever gave to me which were gifts, pictures and mementos. I need to start anew with an ACTUAL love. Where I feel I can learn from what I did 'wrong' in my last relationshop and start anew. The first love, however is never the one. I don't pretend like it is and I never will. And, when I let her go completely, new bf and all, I will go one with my life, single or otherwise.
  20. Silentlyfor
    Please tell me I didn't actually type that *groan* *shudders* Very wrong....
  21. Silentlyfor
    - She lied to me although now I forgive her - She made me think she was happy when she clearly wasn't - She has a very annoying laugh - She is very arrogant. - She doesn't have much of a personality - She takes what she wants out of every situation and doesn't give back - She makes you feel less than her by saying nasty and degrading things - She took things way too fast and has no real grasp of reality. - She was kinda fat and her teeth were crooked. - She lacked confidence in herself without a man in her life. - She was not simple enough.
  22. Silentlyfor
    Thank you so much for saying that. It's true. I can't focus on her. What I have to do is IMPROVE, CHANGE, and GROW. I realized I was being a little selfish for a little while there letting my pride take charge. I wanted control and it was that control that started my grief. But she doesn't matter anymore. I have to realize, although she wasn't really that good to me(I still believe that), I have my part to play in the end of the relationship as well. I was a little reclusive and I did not pay enough attention to her when I could have. On top of that, the jealousy thing, although was a normal reaction, was a result of my perception of her and my pride. I guess the real problem here is letting my pride go sometimes. Sure she was a bad gf(I will STILL stick by that), but I have my part to play as well. I think we can all learn from that.
  23. Silentlyfor
    When I was in my talk group, btw, they said it would mabey help if I tried, like REALLY tried, to see what my part in the relationship's end might be. Turns out I was suppressing a lot of guilt over what I did. I'm no longer angry with her and... well... I realized my part to play including the breakup. That doesn't, by any means, conclude this but at least I'm reading for the next step.
  24. Silentlyfor
    I hope so. Even I'm getting worried about myself. But the Shrink says "Nope. You just stlll have ALL those emotions about the whole thing." So the emotions I've been displaying here... have been relatively normal.
  25. Silentlyfor
    Nevermind. The shrink says just to take it easy and not work so much at work. I don't think I can handle the OT at work right now. He says the anger I'm feeling is normal. He just tells me NOT TO ACT ON IT except to make it past my grief. This depression was due to stress, not manic depression.. (although eveyone in some form suffers this when the go through tough times).
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