Silentlyfor

Thanks Major. Your perspective brightens my heart.

It's gotten really bad now. I feel so depressed.... I can barely move around. This is so painful.

I'm losing it a little. I thought I would be over her by now. How long can it take? How can I yearn for her after 2 months of NC? What's going on? Why isn't she out of my head. I can't take this anymore. I have a headache and it hurts to breath. Why isn't this over?

I still struggling. I wish I didn't read her blog the other day. It made me cry for an hour and a half. I feel like... crap. I hate myself for doing this. Now I made myself miserable for no reason. I want this yearning and pain to stop. I want my depression to end. I want my old mind, life and confidence back. I DON'T NEED HER!! !

I'm in the same boat right now too. I can't stop thinking about her. I can't stop thinking about her last blog entry and needing to know more. The thing is.... I'm at work and I have no way of distracting myself. What do I do? This is too painful.... I feel like I pissed away nearly 2 months of work for nothing. All that NC down the damn drain.

Hey Didyoumissme. I'm still feeling blue guys.... haven't slept a wink.

52 days. 52 days... of knowing that she's with somebody else that she's happier with. 52 days... of realizing that I failed again. 52 days of thinking that I lost my only chance at real love. I don't know if I'll ever get over that * * * * *. Why do I miss her so much?

I'm having a * * * *ty day as well. All I want to do is know what she's doing or know how much fun she's having without me. I feel so pathetic. I feel everyone that I ever loved in my life has been 10x better without me. Everything seems flavorless.... I don't see the point anymore. And now I've concluded that I will be alone for the rest of my life.

I'm going through a similar time today. I guess this is my mind's way of paying me back for looking at her blog by accident. Oh well.... it does get better... so I've heard. ... I want this to stop.

I've been having a rough patch too. Never had I wanted to know what somebody was doing without me so much. I'm very blue today.

I really need to stay on bored guys. I broke down in front of my best friend yesterday talking about what I miss about her and about the emotional abuse of the relationship. This is one of the hardest days of my grief. I didn't even shower before I came to work today. I'm so depressed.

NC... oh who cares? I'm tired of keeping count. I've been depressed all week. It's gotten really bad now. At least I know life is worth living.

Interactively: We didn't fight. I was afraid to fight with her out of fear of losing the relationship. Again, that was my responsibility. I wanted to be within a relationship so much that I forgot my own feelings. She, as far as I knew, hid her emotions, however. She didn't want to fight and gave me no impression that anything was wrong. She was also very distant and wouldn't tell me that she was angry. Face to face, emotionally anyway, we were wrong for each other.

This is awesome guys!! I love seeing so many people realizing that we don't need the people that left us on a hook and let us dangle. Remember, the pissed us away and they missed out on something good. Let's live out the rest of our lives the best we can and NEVER STOP. AND I still have all those books to read. Man, I have so much to do, I just realized.

I would get a pet... but my landlord doesn't allow them. Writing only goes so far but has help me recover from my identity loss during my last emotional hardship. Hmmm.... I could join a club or a book club... that would actually be pretty cool. Also, I've been very lonely at work. Very few people to talk to right now. Also, I haven't been able to go through my usual channels and social circles the last week. I've been too busy moving and what not. My friend is too depressing while I'm in a state of loneliness. I need one more avenue.

I have a problem being alone. It seems I always feel sad because their is nobody around to share my thoughts or feelings with and I find that I'm very incredibly depondant. Now, I know I can't have a friend around me 24/7, but what tools or whatnot can I use to deal with loneliness and the depression it causes therein?

My own relationship issues: I was a recluse and I think that may have divided us. Granted, she was the only one of us that had any transportation between the two of us, but I was so insecure about asking HER to drive us everywhere. I felt she was the one that spearheaded the relationship and thereforeeee made all the plans. I let her dominate me and, to her, it must have appeared that I shut myself out when in actuality I though she was happy. Her insecurity, or seeming insecurity, made me feel daunted however. My low sex drive also didn't help things.

"I love you so much." ..........

I was thinking a point by point itemization of our ex's might help some of us understand why we miss them and, obversely, why we can do without them. Such an exercise is in fact for those, I would think, can't stop thinking about their ex. Respectively explain anything that you would like to explore. I would suggest remaining objective and to allow the healing to process naturally. You can express each point under any heading you would like as I will illustrate. Vocationally: Being that we were thinking about spending the rest of our lives together, our respective careers came into question quite often. She was a profession craft designer which was a career I didn't vouch much respect for. I'm a writer and I wanted to go back to school. This made me upset... and respectfully, I didn't think it was a career choice that would have contributed to the overall income of a household. It did cause problems. To her credit, she did find a good job teaching kids through the environment through pupputeering. Hurt me that she didn't trust me enough to watch one of her shows... made me very sad. Emotionally: She was unfortuneately quiet and distant. In hindsight, I was dismayed how I thought she was too quiet and rather boring. It also FELT like my ex was using my apparent sensitivity to will her way. And on so many occasions, she did threaten to break up with me and thought at any given moment I would break up with her. It was fortuneate that we did say "I love you" every time we say each other and parted for the night. That was always a good memory. I can now see why she might not have considered me a commited boyfriend though. However, her lack of independance, or seemingly so, did put me off somewhat. She never did consider moving out without me. Famlial: The closeness to her family was a concern of mine, always saying that her family would have to be there, always, if we ever moved together. Admittedly, her family was close. However... there were signs of things that weren't necessary healthy in that house and home. It did bother me as well that she was never independent without her parents or someone else to depend on. And, from my point of view, she spent her whole life with her parents in addition to being homeschooled, her social skills proved to be a difficulty to deal with. It came to the point where we were running out of good places to hang out, from my point of view, because she feared people and crowds. I did like her family, however, until I began to realize her mother holds on to the past too much, in my opinion. However, I am allowed to make mistakes. Physically: I thought I was a man that like bigger women. I was wrong. My responsibility however. Unfortuneately, the fact she didn't shower everday was a bit of a bother but I tolerated. I did want her to do something about her teeth, as they were crooked and rather unattractive to me (politely, of course and not in so many words). However, her face was beautiful. I will give that her. I should have done something sooner, however. Sexually... things were not moving in a direction I liked... As we slept together at her parents home... while her parents were downstairs. Apparently... that was the only place we were allowed to have sex. Again... my responsibility for not saying anything.

1. I'm a very handsome guy 2. I am unwilling to take crap 3. I'm a survivor. 4. I'm highly intelligent even if I don't show it. 5. I have a very cute pet; a siamese cat. 6. I love nature. 7. I'm VERY willing to try new things. 8. I'm sensitive and emotional. A rare quality in many people. 9. I have a grand lot of potential 10. I know what I want out of life.

Ya know... something similar happened in the last couple of days with me. I came accross her blog by accident and couldn't help read a couple of entries. It hurt... A lot of things were forced down my throat. I can and will agree. I am happy I did have a lot of fun times with my ex and I did enjoy the intimacy and learning about her when we were together. I did appreciate all the gift she gave me through out the relationship and fulfilling her need for sensitive guy. I am happy because I was always there for her when I thought that was the right thing to do. I was happy I had my first Christmas with her and a family... for the first time in my life. I'm happy... well... because I gave chocolates and roses to a women for the first time in my life as well as an astounding valentine card. Ya know.... you're right. Mabey that wasn't a waste of a year after all... I did what I could, right? And I obviously had enought joy with the relationship to stick with it, didn't I? How can I feel bad about doing what I though was right out of love? thanks man. You saved me a lot more grief. I think something a bit more objective is a great way of looking at this.

Welcome to the club. My ex was the same way. However, don't look at it as a COMPLETE waste. Their is so much you can learn about yourself from this as well. I know I learned a grand lot from my last(and first) relationship. It was hell.... still is. But it's something we all can use as tools for later in our lives. Oh, and I sympathize with the wasted time thing. Coupled with a lot of a lot of emotional abuse, this is one thing in my life that I DO truly regret. Yep... the moment I told my friends, "Fine. I'll call her."

Good for you man. I was still at a point where I wondered what she was doing, why she did what she did and why all the emotional abuse. But.. man..... I'm only 23. I Have books to read, things to write and new friends to make. I've already pissed away a whole summer because of this... how much longer do I have to go one like this before I realized what you just did; 'she pissed away the best thing in her life and I'm better off." And I am better off for a number of reasons that I expressed on these boards, more often than not. It's time to get a move on. I have a book I still need to get started on. I still have a HUGE collection of books to read. I have to find a way to ameliorate my IQ. And I still have to go to school. Her life is not part of mine anymore (and thanks to my friends... we're going to keep it that way). There's no more I can do than just... move on.. Thanks! You've inspired the right decision in many of us!!

I've been wrestling with this for quite some time. I find myself to be a belated intellectual. I started learning at the age of 17/18 reading everything that I could to ameliorate my mind in ways that I thought would... well raise my intelligence. I found that through my early 20's, I can internalize a lot of information. But.. did I do this too late? And is it too late for me to learn more? I ask this because I fear that I will not be able to learn any more than I already have. I'm afriad that I'm waddled into the realm of "old dog" and my mind has lost it's ability to learn any more. Was it too late to try my hand at intellectualism? You see I love to learn... but should I stop learning because it's too late? I just want to know if biology and brain chemistry is a factor here.

"Don't worry. We'll connect again" She said that after we broke up. No we didn't... and no we won't.