Silentlyfor

Thanks for the advice, everyone! Just letting you all know, I'm a guy but I think this is great advice all the same!

Hi all. The issue is on the tin. Turned 40 a few weeks ago and now I'm depressed about it. After thinking about it, for some reason, I just keep getting thoughts of being young again back to my late teens, my 20s, and my early 30s. I want to feel joy and have the energy again to do the things I want to do but now I'm dragging my feet and it doesn't help that I haven't had any clients for a while. It's gotten so bad I can't even get into my hobbies again; I lack that much energy. Not sure what to do from here.

I'm not sure how to word this but this entire experience is confusing. I'm going through and "unmasking" process of being on the spectrum for almost 40 years and I'm going through the experience of finding out who I am underneath all the masking I've done during those decades. Some of my closest friend came out as trans when one of our closest friends died and have started undergoing transitions and started feeling better after they started. For the last 5 months, I've been considering it as well and started considering it as well as I've been trying to find my "true" identity. I've been a rather masculine(at times overly masculine) guy for years, MANY years and have started reconsidering it. Here's where it gets confusing, I liked some things that were considered "feminine" and but most of what I enjoyed had a masculine bent to things still overall, even in childhood. I wasn't much into sports(unless I was forced into them) but I like things that a lot of boys liked: comics, video games, physical activity like tag, more "masculine cartoons", I even like playing rough and other things that were considered masc. As well, I also had a keen, KEEN sexual interest in women even as early as 8 years old. BUT I also had a "feminine" side where I liked and professed to like animals, flowers and plant-life. Also, as I grew older, I also failed to have a passion in other masc things like cars, working with my hands, working in a physical job and the like. And, later on, I figured I would get a literature degree and sociology degree (double major) which is predominantly studied by females. During those years in college I also started taking to working out ... a lot ... just so I can get laid. Then I went through a period where I was into nothing but masc stuff in my early 30's for a couple of years until about 33 before I slowed that down ... A couple of years passed where nothing notable happened except working and, at 35 I went through a major depression. I struggled but I managed to find work. In those work places, I was mocked for a number things. I sit with my legs crossed under my desk for example and somebody in the 70's was mocking me for sitting like a woman or a girl and I had longer hair as well and was mocked for that too. However, I got offended when I was called a "she" mockingly despite the fact that I do like at least some of my masculine traits such as for example, my voice which sounds deep, expressive and, frankly awesome(in fact, my voice is how I managed to survive for almost 10 years straight since my late 20's). Now, here I am, almost 40 in about 3 weeks and this is where it gets VERY confusing. Since about 38 my breasts have grown rather noticeably and I hate them. I feel my male genatalia is right for me but every one in a while, everyday, since the death of my friend 5 months ago, I've had feminine versions of myself come into my head such as me speaking softy and wearing feminine clothes like dresses or skirts. At first, it felt like an intrusive thought that started making me sick, retch in fact but the thoughts kept forcing their way into my head. Given that they kept coming, I tried think of something else in order to distract myself from them. For a period mid-way, I did for about 2 months while working on a live streaming project ... then, after I took a break from it, the thoughts came back, still uncomfortable with them but less disturbing ... the same as before. Now, they're more dramatic. I'm occasionally now imagining myself with female genatalia which causing me to retch violently ... this happens VERY seldom but it makes me feel gross. I still don't like my moobs and, I did try on a dress once ... and it didn't feel right. Or rather, I just didn't feel anything. Could I be having a crisis of identity or is it possible that I'm non-binary or trans? This experience is kind of tearing me apart and I don't want to start making key decisions in my life that could be irreversible and, on top of that, I'm still going through my unmasking process. I worry because, now I'm finding it's stress to be a man and I have this thing that happens where my wrists and ankles feel hot when I'm conflicted like as though my life fluids are going to burst out of my body. This to me feels like I'm fighting self-harm tendencies and I need to know of other people's experience before I start seeing a gender specialized psychiatrist to explore this further. Any help would be great. Again, I'm just trying to see if there are other experiences out there because I also realize, in case, that being non-binary is an option if behavior can help me. Also ... combine with the stresses of unmasking, I might be going through a mid-life thing that could just pass. I need some input.

My I ask why you asked this? I find it to be quite personal, even a little creepy, and you don't give context.

So an update to this story, due to fortune smiling upon me, I as able to walk away from this job and move on. I figured out much of what I was feeling when I was being bullied. Given the state of my life at time, I was feeling much self-pity and what I was hearing from others was simply feeding it. I'm over this and from now on I'm just going to start looking for work where I don't deal with such nonsense and with the experience I gained from this job and the great references I have, I should be able to.

HR can't really do anything without evidence. Reporting bullying doesn't really do anything. I'm looking for what 'I' can do, not what others can do for me.

So this is has been in my head for a little while as something of a flaw in my character(I mean, I suppose. I don't know what else to call it). For a good long while as I was trying to find work, fighting depression and poverty and generally trying to get my head above water, I had to deal with working a number of office and call center jobs and found that there were a number of people who knew my family and there was a narrative among a few that knew of my situation and had, let's say, "opinions" about me, my character and my way through life. There a number of different thing said: I was laughed at by a manager that was "roasting" me indirectly, of course not using my name, about a physically abusive situation followed by emotional abuse, blame and what have you, I faced from several family members(this was information I did not share voluntarily with that manager, by the way); was mocked senselessly by a number of ex-coworkers who laughed my poverty situation and the deep, DEEP financial struggles I was facing; and, last but not least during a job that stressed me out so much in itself that I now have NAFLD as result, I was relentlessly bullied by a janitor who said "I was too old now to make something of life", and dude that, literally right behind my back, said all sorts of cruel things about me and my job situation while staring at my bald spot and yet another roasting by a group of people with whom I was training. These are some of the more outstanding examples but there are many more. The only saving grace I had in that last job, by the way, was getting to work at home shortly before starting so as to be able to deal with only the one stress which was the job itself. Honestly, I know that office environments can get rather toxic and I know that it's not my business to control who says what about you. What I want to do is get help, because I might to face this in the future, with how to deal with the stress this behavior causes me. I have problem dealing with malicious from others as it brings up feelings of expendability, helplessness and anger and I need to find ways to deal with them so that they don't cause the anxieties or, the case with the latest job I had, medical complications so that I can deal with this sort of passive malice without it affecting my personal life AFTER my shift is over. Does anyone have any tips, techniques or ideas that can help mitigate the negative feelings associated with being confronted with this behavior? I feel if I have the right guidance I can develop the tools necessary to cope with such toxic, ridiculous, BS in the future. Thanks it advance!

Food for thought. I used to work out a lot but found as I got older I had less and less energy for it. As for eating better, after my last visit with my doctor, I don't think I have much of a choice in the matter. Good advice! I'll look into that.

That's very good advice. I suppose a good place to start are with things that 'interest' me rather than dive into something with passion like the depth the meaning of that word would imply. And, yeah, I have been meaning to branch out and do new things. It may just be having to spend so much time indoors that has pushed away some of the fire behind what I used to enjoy. Thank you!

Hi all. It's been a while since I've posted, probably longer than 2 years, but I feel I'm in a good place to start sharing my life again on these forums. As it stands, I was struggling for while with near-poverty and some mental health issues, most of which are well behind me. Now I just want to move forward, the 1 - 2 years of COVID isolation notwithstanding. I'm trying to find my passion and I'm having trouble finding out what it really is. I thought, for example, I had a passion for literature but, somehow, even after years of studying lit at university, it was a passion that didn't hold my interest(which may be due to working an uncreative office job for the last 2 years, but that's another story). I'm trying to found out what I really want to pour my time into and what really makes sense in terms of ... well, I guess I'm new to trying to pursue my passion after losing the fervor my previous passion. I don't know what that means at this point and I don't know if there's a route to find such a thing. Lately, all I've been doing is playing video games and watching youtube and netflix after work and I feel I can do more with my time. Without getting into to much detail, where do you think is a good start to try and add more meaning and more passion to my life without, like before, pursuing an avenue that may not lead anywhere?

When any relationship ends, there is always pain for both parties. Always share any feelings you have with your partner. If your not happy with your partner, tell them and if the relationship ends, it ends. Always be there for your partner first and foremost. If your partner threatens to break up with you on a frequent basis, let them.

I've just turned 24 and I suffer bouts of having a loss of indentity. There are times where I have no idea who I am, where I want to go or what I want to do. It makes me very miserable at times. But hey, we all go through things like this at some point. Some of us later than others. I think the trick is choosing something and sticking with it. That's the best advice I can give.

Thank you. I did go through all the greiving stages, Depression being the worst. You wouldn't believe how much I cried. It was horrible. I thought after so many months of that I would be over her. I don't know if I am. I guess I'm not. But you're right. One day at a time and I will be fine. It just sucks is all.

The one and only gf that I've had so far I chose not to be friends because of the fact that I wouldn't be able to be as close to her as I wanted to be when we were lovers. It's up to you whether you want to her friend or not. However, don't do what I did and change your mind 2 months after if you choose not to be her friend. My ex went to town on me when I did. I mean... they get really arrogant with you when you go back on your word. REALLY arrogant. Make whatever choice you think will make you happy. Weigh the pros and cons and make your choice. Don't do what I did and change your mind. Make your choice and stick by it.

That's just it. This is why I think I'm unhealthy. It's been about 8 months since I last has any contact with her. I mean, we were very VERY close to each other in that year(turns my stomache as I typed that) but it's nearing another year since I even saw her. I still think something is wrong with me.

I have a problem. I'm obessed with my ex. Or rather it's coming to the point, again, that I'm thinking about her so much that I've started reading her blog and checking up on what she is doing. I even felt a twinge of pain when I was mentioned amoungst her new years resolutions when I discovered that dumping me was something she was proud of. I don't think I'm a healthy person. I think this one person that I have once fallen in love with is something that I'm always obsessed with. I don't know what's wrong with me. Hell, I don't even feel heart broken anymore. I don't even feel pain when I hear her name or think about her any more. But the fact remains that I do ruminate about what she's doing, what I did wrong, why she broke up with me(she didn't express any real reason) or why the hell she chose someone else over me. This isn't right. I think I'm mentally sick. I need help. Like, I mean, we were only together for a year. I should be happy too. She was abusive and emotionally distant with me. So why am I thinking about her? Why am I constantly hoping that her life turns to * * * * and she fails? Why do I * * * *ing keep reading her blog when she basically told me to * * * * off by telling me she wanted NC? WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME!!??

What is love?

Valentines day is reminding so much of the love I used to have for my ex. Now, I feel miserable. I want to contact her and just talk to her, but after 8 months of NC I don't want to concede to her. I don't know why, but after so long, I miss her. It's so painful. And learning that she's living with her current finance is not helping me(I didn't find out myself. My 'best friend' told me arbitrarily.) I don't like dealing with this, but I don't even want to THINK of contacting my ex. Especially after the relationship that we had in which I was emtionally abused. What should I do?

No. This is my fault. I should have been checking the bills myself to see what I've been paying each month. For * * * *s sake, I'm Co-leased to the place. I feel like a freakin' idiot. I depended on him.

- My health - My youth - My ability to climb out of the darkest corners of my existence. - My intelligence. - My love of nature - My inherent Narcissim (j/k) - My love of snacks. - Kittens and puppies and other assorts of baby animals.

I've found out that my friend has taken money from me. That my friend, who takes care of the bills, took an extra $100 from me for what he claimed as my share of the rent to pay his own bills. This guy is my best friend. ... My best friend. I feel hurt and used.... and I'm feel so betrayed and I can't confront him about it because I found out by looking through is MSN chat history which is a violation of his privacy. I don't know what to do. I.. I feel so shut down.

My life doesn't suck per se. It's more just a disorganized patchwork of arduous circumstances filled with people that make my life arduous because they think THEIR life sucks.

I've just turned 24 today and I'm starting to realize where my life has gone so far. I want to go back to school and find a career that I can be proud of, but I get this nagging feeling in the back of skull that it is too late to move on and receive a better education. I just don't know if it is or not or if what I'm feeling is normal. All I do know is I don't like working to part time jobs to pay the bills (well... when I get a second job) and struggling all the time. I've had dreams and goals and I feel I'm too late to fullfill them because of age. Is it normal to feel like this when I'm so young?

Start small... good idea. I agree with you point about a women, btw. Besides which, you shouldn't become involved in a relationship to change yourself as you are relying on another human being to initiate changes. Besides which, women like men that take initiative anyway.