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Me and myself

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  • Birthday 09/24/1966

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  1. That is called anxiety (a symptom of)... stay calm, relaxed. Talk about that to the girl you're with, she will know what to do.
  2. Hi boston 23 It seems when you are down, I'm up, and vice versa...we are desynchronized regarding this. But I think it works this way, insn't it? Those who feel good help those who feel bad. I believe, as soon as time goes by, we will post more in the Dating and flirting forum section and, who knows, in the families and parenting, at last. As you probably already noticed, today I'm feeling ok. I went to buy some books, drink a coffee, took a walk with my daughter by the sea side, watching the big waves crashing against the rocks...what an amazing show it was. I've found very tranquilizing to be watching the furious see, it seems I was watching my own mind from the outside. Tonight I'm planning to go out with a great friend of mine, dine out, go to a new bar where he might know some girls...just for the purpose to know someone new 'cause I don't feel to start any relationship right now. Yesterday I was not feeling good...the other friend of mine, the one who I was thinking that was going out with my ex (see the initial post of this thread), call me to go out at night to watch some live music. We talked about relationships but I never talked about what was bothering me but I believe he already understood what I was feeling 'cause he start to tell me that he didn't never have made any move to a male friend's girlfriend. I don't know if the reason why he was telling that was the one I was thinking too...but anyway, now my ex is my ex and he's single so... He asked me if my ex and her friend would accept to go on vacations with us next summer. He told me that he does't have any problem with that, that I might have a problem since I stoped talking to her. I din't said much about it but he is thinking that I might be angry with her, which I'm not. My answer to him was: "Did you talked to her?" but he didn't. At last, he told me he was feeling me very strange, that it seems I was not feeling happy as I usually am, not talking that much. "It seems you're carrying all the world's problems on your back!", he said. "It will go away!" I've said. Anyway, today I'm in a "Let time brings what he has to bring!" mood. Thanks for "listening".
  3. I've been trying to cope with it the best way I can, or at least, the best way I think I can. I recognize that now I'm starting to have some "not so bad days", when I can fix my mind in things other than my ex. I'm greatfull for this. I've been posting a lot here, reading a lot, cry when I feel to. I was able to do things differently when this break up occurred since I analized my relationship mainly from my side, my own issues. I know she had some issues too, and I know they made me feel insecure. So, instead of trying to understand why she was acting like that, I focused in my reactions only. I could identify them, tried to understand why I acted that way and how can I change it for the future. This leads me to become "obcessed" about relationships psycology, reading a lot of articles and methods to improve myself (self-esteem and all that). I'm now reading a well known book from John Gray that talks about the ways how men and women comunnicate differently (onething I was never been able to learn was how to interpretate correctly women's behaviours and words). I've joined a band to play with but we still need a bassist and a guitar player so it doesn't have the activity levels I need. I'm planning some country trips at the weekends. Planning to start jogging again....basically all this alone which I think will be good so that I canlearn how to stay alone a feel plesure with it (I've always been dependent on the company of others when I plan many of my activities). But, in spite of that, I'm not shure if I'm doing things correctly to improve myself...I have the feeling I'm doing something wrong that is not allowing me to change as I want. Maybe I'm doing this only to forget her, or maybe, deeply in my mind, to gain her back. Maybe I still have some hopes (I know I do even if I know I'm wrong) and I don't know how to finish them. Maybe I need some more evidences...hurt a little more. This is my self pity talking but I've been immersed in it for so many years that it's been difficult to make it go away...one thing is to move on, another is to move on and grow as a person.
  4. Where am I today? After 27 days of NC...I'm felling a bit better...but that's just it...My last two days went more or less ok, I started to focus on my work and took the leadership in some issues...Anyway, I'm always thinking about the fact that my best male friend could be hanging out with her (just friends, I suppose). Today is friday and this is the day when I used to call him to go out at night. But now I don't feel like doing that again...I will try to know if he did it or not, trying to control what I can't and, at the same time, I'm feeling affraid that he might say that he's going out with her and that she really doesn't want anything from me more than friendship (which is stupid because I think she already made that clear - in these 27 NC days, she never called me). I think I should talk to him about it... but no, I'm stucked here without knowing what to do and wanting to run away from him. He's the person with whom I used to spend the most time of my weekends and now I feel I can't do it. Also this is making me angry because I know if this was not happening I would move on quickly. What would you do if you were in my shoes? By other hand, even I feel more or less ok sometimes, when I read the post in this forum, I start to feel very sad and start to cry. Sometimes I think I'm strong enough to cope with this but suddenly I realise that I'm really far from that. Thanks
  5. Now you're talking!!! That's the way to go. I'm also taking this opportunity to look more for myself...in a certain way I'm thankfull to my ex for breaking up with me. I like her so much that it made me think carefully why things didn't worked out and I've found a lot of things about me I had never though before. I'm also taking this opportunity...
  6. Well, the time it takes it's on his hands now and you cannot do nothing to change it. Keep what you're doing and you'll be fine!
  7. Hi I think blender say it all...I know it's hard to accept this kind of thinking but, as an exercise, put yourself in his position and imagine that he wants to go back to you. What would you do? That's right, just like blender said. If you need any help you might want to read the story bellow...it helped me a lot through my life (another issues) when I had to let go. _______________________________________ One night a man had a dream. He dreamed he was walking along the beach with the LORD. accross the sky flashed scenes from his life. For each scene he noticed two sets of footprints in the sand: one belonging to him, and the other to the LORD. When the last scene of his life flashed before him, he looked back at the footprints in the sand. He noticed that many times along the path of his life there was only one set of footprints. He also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times in his life. This really bothered him and he questioned the LORD about it: "LORD, you said that once I decided to follow you, you'd walk with me all the way. But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life, there is only one set of footprints. I don't understand why when I needed you most you would leave me." The LORD replied: "My son, my precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you." _______________________________________ Enjoy your vacations (while I'm working )
  8. Hi Stephz I don't know the details of your break up but I have the same doubts of you. My ex broke up with me, I started NC 25 days ago, , deleted her contacts from MSN, I've been avoiding to go the places where she might be, etc. During these 25 days she never made an attemp to contact me. So, just like you, I'm wondering what does this means. Is she helping me in my NC? Is she also doing NC to forget me? Does she even care about what I've been doing? Just like you, I also think that if she used the break up to see if I was going after her and if she really love me, sooner or later she would contact me. But she didn't... My position now is to keep NC as long as I can, day by day (it's been hard, really hard) and later, if she later wants to do a "intentional sincere effort", just like blender said, she will know where to find me. In the meantime, I will continue to look for myself and accepting, each day a bit more, that it's really over.
  9. Kate, I'm a strong defensor of "treat them as they have treated you." I'm not telling you to take a revenge on him. I'm telling you to show him you just don't care as much as he thinks (even if that's not true). You would like to get some answers, that's ok, but that's only that. Show him there's nothing to worry about it. My sugestion is to keep your NC, stick to it for some time (one month or until you feel confortable enough), contact him to deal only about the apartment and take that oportunity to show him what I've told you before (the answers you are trying to get are not that important to you, don't talk about it to him, lat him do the talking). This is a hell of a strategy but I think it will give you the time to look for yourself, your relationship and will make him feel that his actions didn't caused you any major wounds. Probably he will conclude that and the next time will treat you (or any other girl) more respectfully. And the most important of all: DON'T CREATE ANY EXPECTATIONS. Think that a "NO" is guaranted. All the rest that might come, if they come. are the bonuses.
  10. Well, that happened to me also, with this girl. Since the break up with my ex wife, in 2002, I had only two relatioships, one in 2004 and this last one, both very short (4 and 1 month respectively). Maybe I'm seeing the time passing by, me growing older, finding a girl only every 3 years...you see the picture. I'm really affraid of getting too old to find a girl that could be with me for a long time. By other hand, I don't have many friends where I live, they are all married and don't have any single female friends. Also I'm taking care alone of my kids (from my marriage) since they are 1 and 4 years old (they are now 7 and 10) so, as you can imagine, I don't have many possibilities to go out at night to meet new people. Well, the problem here is that I'm not confident enough and, as you know, other people know that from my body language. I'm trying to improve that but I'm not shure if I'm doing it in the proper way. Any sugestions? Thanks for the replies
  11. Hi boston23 To solve them it would be helpfull to have a civilized and open-minded talk with your ex about the break up. But since he sent you a last e-mail making accusations, I believe this conversation is not possible, at least now. Keep your NC, do your things, think about you only and think that the future sometimes gives us a surprise. Maybe in a few months you might have this conversation with him. A good way to keep in touch with your inner self is by writing. That might help you finding those unsolved issues. Good luck on your journey in this new world.
  12. Hi all I really don't know what's happening with my feelings. I've been following NC for 24 days now and have been reading a lot of literature about break ups and relationships, trying to deal with this in such a way that I may take some advantage for me, as a person. I've been affraid that my best male friend ask my ex to go out, for a coffee (he said he might do it), and I start imagining they together, knowing each other better....That's something that is constantly in my mind. I'm aware I won't get her back (she never contacted me) and, frankly speaking, after reading all the posts about those who get their ex back, I think it might be better if that won't happen to me. But you know how it feels... It seems I'm going back to the early days of the break up, I'm feeling really sad, I don't feel the motivation I had to carry-on with my self help, I feel my whole world is going to blow. I want to throw my cell phone far away 'cause everytime I receive a txt and see it's not from her, I go a step back in my fellings. I'm affraid to use my computer...'cause everytime I open the e-mail a there's not any msg from her I feel like dying a litle bit more. I don't even feel good near some of my friends 'cause they might have some news about her and I'm always thinking they might be hiding something about her which I wouldn't like to hear. I really don't know what's happening...I knew this girl in April '06, we start our relationship last November and finished it on Xmas. It was only a month but I'm feeling so hurt as when I broke up with my ex wife 6 years ago when I knew she was cheating on me. Only a month is causing one of the hardest times of the latest years!!! Now I find myself crying at night like I used to 3 weeks ago. I believe it was easier if I had done anything wrong to cause the break up. I wish I had never met her... I'm at risk of developing some kind of selfish numbness regarding future relationships, as if I don't care about what might happen as long as I feel good, even if that implies to hurt someone. I believe this romantic guy is not romantic anymore....
  13. Hi I'm in a position similar to the one of your ex. I was in a relationship that was very short and she broke it up, among other issues, due to the fact that we could not spend too much time together. In our case it was related with different life styles and not to work issues. First of all, from a dumpee point of view, I think that one of the most intense cause for the bad feelings is when the dumpee thinks that the dumper isn't being honest about the reasons to finish the relationship. So, I think you should have a final conversation with him and tell him what you've said in your first post. Say it in a way that he can understand that things were not going to work in the future and, most of all, make him fell loved. Show him that, in spite that things have no future as a bf/gf relationship, you love him enough to be around him but as a friend only. I think you should also explain him that the same reasons for the break up will force you to be away for a while (you have a lot of work and so on). I think you both know where to find each other so, even if you go to NC, you'll always know where to meet the other in the future. As a final note, and I'm sorry if I may seem hard on you, but I think you shouldn't have entered in this relationship because you are still emotionally attached to your ex and that is not fair to your bf. I'm in his position too regarding this issue and it hurts badly 'cause I feel I was somehow used and I smyself as a second choice that was not good enough as her ex. I know feelings can be tricky sometimes and, probably, you didn't noticed that at start. You're only human and people make mistakes. You should work on your person so that you can solve your past issues and be free from all the insecurities. That's another reason why you should go NC and, please, make him understand that too.
  14. Thanks for the hug HDD. It felt really good...another to you too. So, as you can see, guys do feel hurt too...and they don't need to be dreaming.
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