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Also, I think that there is no benefit in trying to convince her of not wanting a divorce, as right now she is likely in an emotionally charged state and intent on justifying her thoughts and behaviors, which means that ANYTHING you do will be put into a negative light. I know it will be hard, but you must just give her space, separate yourself from her life, and disappear, thus limiting any potential emotional ammunition against you to justify her immediate, selfish needs.

Unfortunately, it seems her conception of love is seriously distorted and totally unrealistic. Not wanting to spend every second together is actually healthy for any relationship. I almost have a sense that her reasons for wanting a divorce are less than genuine and she is masking the real reason(s). Also, people don't get divorced becuase the other party is boring. I just think that her conceptions of marriage and relationships are born from fiction, not a thorough and healthy understanding of what it takes to be in a committed relationship. I am almost willing to bet that most people who get married and later want a divorce are those people who go into a marriage thinking the wrong things and have almost a dilusional approach to the realities of love. I hope everything works out.

Good job, sit back and let him come to you. He still feels comfortable with you. Just relax.

woops, apparently I printed twice on here.. I did not mean to do that.

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CVL, First off, I'm tired of people thinking that they need to hide how they feel. Part of being human is showing emotion and being sad or hurt is part of the process of life. In essense, there is no need to ACT anything! People like to say that you should act cool and don't drive him away further. In my opinion, however, there is nothing destructive than pretending to be something for the sake of another person because of how he/she might react. That was one of my many lessons with my ex-girlfriend after she broke up with me. I accommodated her feelings in the hopes that I didn't drive her away and it ended up destroying me in the process worse than the breakup. I lost myself and it was my fault. Look, CVL, if he is truly the one for you at this time, he would not be with his ex, nor would you feel the need to hid how you truly feel. Plain and simple, if he misses you he would do something about it. He hasn't. The reason that it is confusing is because you are allowing your fear to drive your choices regarding how you act around him, which with combined with your feelings towards him, makes the whole process worse. If you are confused, in other words, only you can stop it by asking him straight up what you want and how you believe you can get there. Ask him, without any inhibition, what he wants as well. Then, decide on a course of action between the two of you. If you feel that your needs aren't being met, both of you need to disappear from each other's lives for a bit until you can come back to the table a bit more clearheaded. Of course, that all sounds so rational and I know it is difficult to implement, but one other thing I learned from my breakup is that if someone isn't willing to really engage the other person and discuss what each of you is feeling, then they are not the one for you. Wish you the best.

CVL, Simple question. Do you want to have him in your life or not? Period. If you want to know why he is doing this, just ask! I'm so sick of people who are ambivalent whether they want their ex in their life or not, so as a result people play games which only leads to confusion and resentment.

Never, It is clear you are not in a loving, trusting relationship. You do not trust your boyfriend, or else you wouldn't be hounding him, emailing him, expressing yourself ad infinitum, even when you know it is making it worse. YOU need to back off, focus on yourself! DO NOT KEEP EMAILING HIM!! Do not keep saying sorry, do not keep trying to reassure yourself that he is there still. I can already tell you have a severe dependency on him whichi is straining the relationship. Trust him, or else what is worth saving?

Hi all, It has been almost 1 year since my ex and I broke up. We attempted to be friends for about 7 months afterwards, but unfortunately it just did not feel at all good and I found myself getting frustrated and heartbroken over and over again, building to the point where I just finally had to end the "friendship" since it didn't feel like one at all. My expectations were not met, mostly beause I was still heartbroken. It has been alittle over four months since we last talked to each other. However, while I am over her and have moved on with a phenomenal girlfriend in my life, I still find myself thinking about my ex-girlfriend. It isn't the feeling I had after we broke up, but rather that I genuinely just miss the idea of her being in my life. My question is one that has been bothering me for about 2 months now. I feel that I am ready to be friends with her and rebuild, albeit slowly and gradually, a friendship, but I'm not sure what approach I should take. She lives halfway accross the country, so I can't readily see her, but I would like to initiate contact with her and see if a friendship, without the emotional torture, can exist. She broke up with me by the way, so that may influence your opinion, but I'd like to hear them. Should I initiate contact by phone or email? How much should I express what I have been thinking? Thanks!

aero, I understand your point of view and I do apologize if it appears we are attacking you. However, that is exactly what he has gone through when you dumped him. You MUST try to understand his position and why it might be difficult to trust you or even talk to you any longer. Being thrown away, which is exactly what breaking up with someone is, is one of the worst feelings a person can go through. Of course, I can acknowledge that you have felt guilt and slight depression, which is unfortunate. However, he must know that you are FIRM in your belief that you love him. To be honest, after nine months, my suggestion is that you write him a sincere, 1 page (not more than one page) letter illustrating your exact feelings and intentions. That will allow him to read it, analyze it, and reflect on it. Give him time without any attempts to contact him. If he makes contact, wonderful. Take it slow and be accepting, because that will be when the challenge begins. Since you basically gained all of the power when you broke up, he has to have some way of regaining a sense of balance in his own mind, however superficial that may seem. If he doesn't respond, unfortunately the only medicine is to drive yourself through the hell that going through a breakup is. Using this site is a nice start. When is the last time you talked to him by phone or face to face?

Extra, Do you want to be friends with him or not? I'm sorry, but if he is not accomodating your needs, it sounds like the feeling is mutual on his end. That is mostly due to the fact that you both are still highly emotionally invested in one another, which naturally will cause tension and misunderstanding. Regardless of how you perceive him, the only option you have is to be TOTALLY HONEST AND OPEN with how you feel. Statements like, "he will be lucky if he gets me as a friend at all" wreaks of condescension and vindictiveness, which can in itself ruin any chances of a friendship. It basically puts the two of you not in any kind of loving, caring relationship but one built on competition and resentment. Is that the kind of friendship or relationship you want? I had the same experience that your boyfriend is going through now. After 6-7 months of trying to be friends with my girlfriend, she suddenly stopped answering my calls and emails, basically breaking up with me again. So, I can imagine what your ex is going through. Unfortunately, at this stage of the relationship, extra, both of you have a MAJOR responsibility towards one another, even though the both of you are not in a relationship. If the two of you still care for one another, you MUST be honest with your respective needs and ideals for what the friendship will entail. DO NOT HOLD BACK YOUR FEELINGS!! Do not restrict yourself and urge each other to be honest and straightforward. I cannot stress that enough. Right now, I can assure you that unless you talk to each other by AT LEAST the phone, your relationship will be plagued by misunderstanding and resentment. I have first hand experience how emails and texts, etc. can RUIN a relationship. You two must engage one another in a real conversation, where emotions play a role, but you MUST NOT let the other person feel attacked. Clear and caring conversation is what the two of you need, but unfortunately I do not get the impression that you two are capable of that yet. I think that if you want to be friends, you must have one last conversation and tell him EXACTLY why you need time off, and not just state "I need time off to collect myself." That is vague and misleading, because chances are from his perspective is that you won't ever come back. I know, I know, why should you have any regard for his feelings. BECAUSE YOU STILL CARE FOR HIM! Both of you need to respect each other's feelings and needs. So, again, you must explain CLEARLY and DIRECTLY to HIM why you need what you need and to assure him that you still want him in your life, even if you have to say it a dozen times. If you get tired of reaffirming him, that is your choice and you can bail anytime. However, if you want to see this through, for the nth time, you both MUST be direct with one another because there cannot be ANY room for second guessing. That only builds resentment and suspicion. Strangely, there are so many people on here who say that because you break up, you no longer have any reason to care about the other person's feelings. In effect, breaking up somehow justifies being cold and vague regarding your own life. Basically, it is difficult to not see how destructive a defense mechanism can actually be if you want to keep that person in your life. Once you put up a defense mechanism, the relationship becomes game playing and misunderstanding. Just talk to one another. It is really that simple. If one of you wants more than the other person can give, maybe both of you can take a few months off from one another and come back to it. Rest assured, DO NOT just leave the other hanging wondering what happened. Decide on a time to come back into each other's lives. If you still aren't ready at that point, decide on another term. Selfishness is praised on here after a person breaks up. For me, that is a perfect storm because that means that all has been given up. If you want to work together at being friends, give each other the respect to work with one another and not just throw them aside because after a break up it is supposed to be "selfish" time. Good luck.

aero, First off, as the dumper, you have very little room to complain about the immaturity and inability to "sit down and have a civilized conversation." As one who broke up with him, you basically said him that he is not important enough to keep in your life and that you were incapable of dealing with whatever stresses that were in the relationship, thus you broke it off. As the dumper, you cannot blaim him for any reaction to the breakup he went through, as he is no longer obligated to care at all how you perceive him. While some of the breakup might have been his fault, YOU and ONLY YOU were the one who broke it off. You can blame him for the breakup, but he did not give up on the relationship. Now, that is not to say that he is right when he puts the blame on you. Putting blame on someone you love is a sure way to sabotage any relationship, as it denotes a level of competition and vindictiveness. In essense, what may be immature to you could be a defense mechanism and justified reaction given the torture that being a dumpee must endure. As the dumper, you have an obligation to put away all of your critiques of the other person if you are intent on being back together with him, plain and simple. If you are telling him he is immature or believe that is the case, that does not bode well for any relationship you have in the future. I do not feel good being so blunt, but the reality is there. Good luck.

Smith, I do not agree with your idea of she cares for him, but chooses not to have him in her life. That is plain crap. If she cares for him, she will be straight up with not only her feelings, but at least try to accommodate his. Ignoring someone and making up fantasies about her still caring about him only makes us feel better because it justifies it!!

Correction: "All too often being a dumper or dumpee means that you must cut all contact to further pain, humiliation, etc." I meant "to stop further pain, humiliation, etc."

Mease, your questions are valid and appropriate. However, that is exactly my point. There are so many people out there who assume they must carry the burden of uncertainty while their partner is "out there" not knowing what you think. My post applied to both dumpers and dumpees. All too often being a dumper or dumpee means that you must cut all contact to further pain, humiliation, etc. However, my point is that people get all caught up in those "oh my god, what will happen" instead of finding out what ACTUALLY does happen! We are so predisposed in today's society to ignore what is difficult and find the easiest way out. If someone truly cares for you, they do not just phase you out nor do they keep secrets about how they feel. Keeping secrets is so devastating. But then, someone may ask me, "Well, if you reveal yourself too soon, to heavily, etc. that person will just be turned off." In effect, that person would be turned off to you because you are no longer a secret or "mysterious" as I've seen on this board. That is game playing to the nth degree! It is all so simple. You reveal yourself is step one. Now that may take a few weeks or so to get to a point of clarity, not necessarily unemotional. All too often, people assume that having a clear head and being unemotional are the same thing. It is NOT the case. For me, being human means you are emotional!! If the other person is not capable or does not want to deal with your emotions and claims that they care for you, then that is a contradiction in terms. People who care for each other feel a great deal of obligation in not only DEALING with each other's emotions, but also attempts to UNDERSTAND them. My ex-girlfriend once said to me after we broke up that she was uncertain if she would ever talk to me again. Then, one day she called me. After a few weeks of remaining in LC, I felt that my needs weren't being met and that she was distant and uncommunicative. Over time, it became worse from my perceptive, though from hers it was perceived as needy or annoying, I'm not sure which since she never revealed herself too much. In effect, she was merely keeping in contact and DEALING with my emotional state, while not really engaging it in order to UNDERSTAND it. She basically gave up the relationship because it was too hard, which ended up driving me away since I was incapable of dealing with my needs not being met. The problem, ultimately, was that our understanding of each other's needs was not being clearly expressed by either side. When I broached the topic of my feelings, or going through the process of trying to accept the breakup while remaining in touch, she would always start pulling away. For instance, I would remember some nice moments in our relationship. Instead of letting me vent and deal with the breakup in my own way, she would pull back. Why? Most likely because she didn't want to hurt me further or felt guilty or both. In essense, she pulled back without asking WHY I was remembering those moments. She would never match my sentiments because she was afraid of what it meant. Instead of asking what my ramblings meant, she ASSUMED that I wanted to be back together. She ASSUMED my state was something negative, so she retreated instead of trying to understand! So you see all, some people are not built for emotional maturity at the time that it is most needed. I suppose that is what growing up is all about. People who genuinely care for one another do not abandon someone else when things get difficult or challenging. All too often, we like to rationalize our behavior as justified because it makes us feel good without any conscious attempt to understand its impact on someone else. My biggest lesson after I broke up was how incredibly painful and agonizing caring about my ex-girlfriend's feelings to the degree that it put me into a mild depression. I would constantly care so much that I put myself into a secondary position and restricted my thoughts and feelings for the sake of her. Never again. I feel as if I have rambled, but I hope my words give at least some understanding to what I truly mean. Rest assured, if someone wants to be in your life because they care for you, that necessarily entails that they are also someone to understand and empathize with you. It does not mean they run when things get difficult emotionally. Of course, if abuse and drugs, etc. get in the way, then that is another matter all together and for another posting. Good night.