toughtime

Should I tell him I got into that school? Long distance is not really there... I think I am still hopeful...

I agree with you Johnny...but soo much easier said than done... I am working on it...kinda... Time also helps...

Okay soo briefly my situation is that I dated a guy for 5 months. Great guy...great relationship. He treated me like a princess...with respect, care, and concern. We never fought. Our issues: he is 10 years older than me. He is starting a job and I am starting Prof. school He wants to start a family soon and get married. He is very independent and does not need to talk to his gf everyday unlike me who likes to see my bf everyday or at least talk to him. We did not have enough time to really get to know each other (only five months). At the time of the break up (he initiated it), he brought up all of the above plus at the time I was going to be going to a school on the west coast while he was going to pursue a job on the east coast. he said that he cant do long distance...that it is not fair to him. I saw him recently to get my stuff from his place. We acted like friends and he asked me if i got into the school on east or west coast. I had said that it was still the one on the west coast but i am still waitlisted for the one in the east coast. After we had our last hug he told me to tell him if i get into the school on the east coast. I just looked at him (inside i was really hopeful) but then he added the comment," I know a lot of people on the east coast". Well, a week ago I found out i got into the school on the east coast and the school is in the SAME state and he will be...only 1.5 hours away. SHOULD I TELL HIM? I know I am going to meet him before he moves....he has some other stuff to give me..but should I mention that i got into that school?

Btw--love the name of this thread... the hole does ALLL the way to China!

Yup, you summed it up pretty well in that last line! If it is meant to be at some point later it will. (When my first bf and I broke up..I had initiated it. He wanted to get back together really badly but I told him that if it is meant to be then it will happen. I told him to meet other people, to date around..and that I should too...and if those relationships dont work then we can come back to each other and see our status..and if the other person is taken..then it is our lost and our risk that we take..but then we REALLY know.) I know what you mean about forgetting him..you want to just erase it all! I DO! And I know what you mean by the weekends...last night I went to this club that we used to go to all the time..it was kind of weird and i was scared that I would bump into him. But nope..I just had a fabulous time like i said. Danced with some hottie hottie guys! ;-) IT GETS BETTER! lol..

I agree with Mr.Mister1... Would you even WANT her back? She lost your trust by doing what she did..and that is something that is not easy to gain back. She could do this to you at any time again..or something similar if you were with her again. Think hard about whether she is really worth it.

I also think that it depends on the relationship too though... My first bf and I dated for 5 years..he was a bad bf but has a good heart and is a good person. In the five years though..we did develop a really strong friendship.. I ended it with him b/c I did not like the way he was treating me as a gf..and when we broke up, we both wanted to be friends. He has moved onto someone else and it does not bother me AT all..I had also moved on. I dunno if it hurt him but he was happy for me. I know he has some issues with the whole thing b/c he would not openly ask me about the current bf like I would ask about his relationship but I knew that he was happy for me.

I COMPLETELY AGREE! The weird thing is that I did not about a week ago! My ex and I broke up one month ago and I thought being friends would be good. I do want good things for him especially since our breakup ended in good terms and we really do respect each other. But then I also realized that we were never really friends to begin with...we did not have enough time to build a friendship (5 months) and we were never friends before we had met. I also realized that to be REAL friends you have to be able to not feel hurt about a lot of stuff..you cant have any expectations out of that person like you did when you were in the relationship. On top of that say that person wanted to go out with his friends to meet another girl..could you handle that? Right now, I dont think I could just b/c it has not been long enough...but you are right..no contact for some time..and then maybe a friendship can develop.

That is good advice Serenity.. focus on the possibilites that lie ahead.. soo true..we need to slowly learn from our mistakes in the past...and just move on to what may lie ahead of us in the future!

Coming on here makes me feel better. I come now occasionally if I am down but I enjoy helping people see that there is a light at the end of the tunnel since I was in that tunnel not too long ago.. But..I do still think of him...just it is not nearly as bad anymore..I can deal with it.. Plus, I am back to acting the way I was..happy..and cheerful.. Back to the routine of life....

Hey, I know how you feel. But it gets better.... Most people in this forum came here b/c they were dealing with some REALLy toughtimes (hence my name)! We felt lost, hurt, confused, and just plain old SAD. I wrote a thread a few weeks ago entitled "My heart litterally hurts" and now one week ago I wrote another thread entitled "It gets better, I promise"! It is soo weird how all of the sudden you don't care as much especially with someone with whom you wanted it with so badly. It literally bewilders me and at the same time it saddens me. Sometimes I feel like i SHOULD be sad..but I just dont feel it..and it is the weirdest thing ever! Your journey to becoming yourself will happen if : A. you allow the changes and B. with TIME. Time, my friend is the key to many of our answers but you have to be patient. I dunno about how true this is but they say it takes half the time you were with someone to get over them. My last relationship was 5 months and now we have been broken up for 1 month and i am starting to feel much better. Don't get me wrong...i STILL think about him EVERYDAY! But it is not nearly as bad as it was when we first broke up. Your friends on here are right..keep yourself occupied and learn who YOU ARE. GO OUT on a Friday night with JUST THE GIRLS! Mingle like yer single..coz you ARE! So, I went out last night..had a fabulous time, mingled, and met a bunch of nice people but I know I am not ready to MEET meet someone yet. that all comes with ...you guessed it..TIME!

This might help you...it helped me a LOT! ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Love can Never Break your Heart Love can bring you great comfort. In pure love, anxiety is absent. Instead of emotional reaction, there is a calm response. If love doesn't bring comfort, it is not love. Experience of this pain caused by such inner turmoil is called heartbreak. The stronger the selfish attachment, the stronger the heartbreak will be. Intense emotions always have physical effects. When you experience anger, fear, or jealousy, you can feel them in your body. In this society, many mistake selfish attachment as an essential characteristic of love. Because of this, we believe that it is love that "breaks" our hearts. Only selfishness can break the heart, because selfishness is the hook in conditional love. Unconditional love has no such hook; thereforeeee, it cannot break the heart. To get over a heartbreak, you need to find a way to let go of your selfish attachment. Strive to develop unconditional love to replace the selfish attachment that you might have mistaken for love. Let go of attachment and you will find love within you. Love can never break your heart. True love can only heal it. I am going to write one more passage he wrote that I like a lot. It is about Genuine Love. Genuine love has many characteristics. Most important, there is a sincere interest in the happiness and well-being of the other person. When we say "I love you," if it is accompanied by this honest and heartfelt interest in the other's well-being, then it expresses genuine love. Obviously, in a relationship based on such love, hatred and the possibility of hurting the other person are totally nonexistent. Second, there are not strings attached to the love. No returns are expected, only an interest in the other person's happiness and well-being. Love is not an investment. Returns that do happen to come are accepted thankfully as a bonus and not as dues. There is no coercion on the other person to fulfill one's desires and expectations. The common formulas "you should love me because I love you" and "i did that for you, so you do this for me" are not present. Third, in genuine love, self-reliance coexists with sharing. Forth, genuin love undersands, with empathy and compassion, the human condition of the other person, particularly that person's mix of strengths and weaknesses. There is understanding of the uniqueness of the individual and the person's right to that uniquenss. This implies that,while there is the recognition that problems and difficulties exist, there is no blaming. Instead, there is joint action carried out in harmony to solve the problems. Genuine love will make it impossible to cause pain purposely to each other in the pursuit of solutions. Finally, in the case of two people who have those qualities and who feel that they can share their lives for even greater well-being and happiness, they will have the special, genuine love needed for spousal relationship that will blossom and last. Genuine love is.. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The key building blocks of a loving and lasting relationship include absense of selfishness, the presense of caring, self-reliance coexisting with sharing, compassion and understanding, respect for the other's uniqueness, absense of blaming, and a genuine interest in the welfare of each other. It is not love that can cause pain and hurt; rather, it is the absense of the genuine love. --Bhante Y. Wimala If this helped you then I would suggest you buy the book. It is called : Lessons of the Lotus By: Bhante Y. Wimala Another thing he wrote was that if you really love someone then you respect their decision... My ex wanted to break up with me b/c he wants certain things in life that i cant give him.. since i do care about him and want what is best for him..i need to respect that.

I am dealing with the whole trying to come to the conclusion that it is REALLy over too. I think the best way for us to deal with it is to realize that it just was not meant to be. If it is...then it will come at some point later...right? We can not hope for it either.. But I think you also have to realize that you are attached to him..attached to the routine...and that is not a good thing... You need to get attached to other things (like yourself)...find things that make you happy.. Be more independent (I am working on this at the moment! I have been in a relationship for the past 6 years..straight! I am soo used to having someone else and just always giving...).

I wrote a post about 3 weeks ago regarding my break ...and then break up with my bf. It hurt, I was upset..i had SOO many different emotions running through my head. Our relationship was not bad at all...which is why it was harder for me b/c we did not really have "relationship problems"..rather our problems were circumstantial.. (he is older(35), starting a job, wants kids, I am 24, starting prof. school, can't have kids for another 3-4 years, plus we will be on opposite sides of the states once we start our paths)... Anyways, after the breakup I felt alone, missed him..missed the relationship, the routine... I felt like I did not know WHAT to do with my spare time! we did not talk for a week and then he said he could not do long distance so he wanted to call it quits. we did not see each other for another two weeks until i went over there this past weekend to get my stuff. I saw him and it was not bad...we treated each other like friends. It ended very nicely...and I have no regrets about our relationship. My first relationship the guy is a great person but horrible bf. This second guy..he was a GREAT bf..and treated me really well. I learned a lot--how to be treated with respect. I guess the weirdest thing for me now is the fact of knowing that it is over for good. someone who i got soooo incredibly close to is now completely out of my life. I have only dated one other guy (for 5 years), we got to know each other soo well that we became best friends..and still are friends. But with the last guy we dated for 5 months only so our friendship did not have enough time to really build. All in all, I guess I just want to let you all know that it does get better. Everyone says that time is the key..right? Well, they are right. Each day you get a bit stronger, your heart beats a bit harder, you forget slowly..and you start focusing on YOURSELF! How to improve yourself as an individual..work on your weaknesses..find hobbies...keep in touch with your friends better. You realize the people that are always there for you...(FAMILY and close friends..) I did not know what to do right after the breakup but now I can find a billion things to do in my spare time that I have missed out on! For me one big thing was the fact that I have not really been single in the past six years! Because of that I kind of lost sight on MYSELF..and just focused more on "us" (the guy I was with and me). For all of you that are hurt, confused..and upset..trust me..it does get better. You will soon find out that it is just a matter of time... Initially, you might have to push yourself a tad bit to get out and keep yourself engaged in other activities. But then after some time you will want to do them on your own! I have noticed that I am slowly forgeting about my ex..my heart does not hurt in the morning anymore....I The WEIRD thing is that sometimes I wonder how I can forget so quickly..how it leaves my mind so quickly..but it just does!

At the end of the day...it is just you dealing with your issues. You can talk to friends about it endlessly (like I have been doing..) and that can temporarily keep you happy but at the end of the day, you have to learn how to deal with it on your own. I know how you feel. I have not been with a lot of guys but there was a guy who I was talking to forever. He and I became really close. We never dated but he would talk about his future and would insinuate that I was in it. Anyways...all of the sudden on day just out of the blue he was like I can't talk to you like I used to. I was like...ughh okay?! Then he told me that he had to "think about things" ect. No real reason...we were doing finnne just talking.. Anyways, I personally felt really hurt inside. I would not have felt so hurt had he not made all of these future plans... It took me some time to get over him but what I realized through the whole experience was that ultimately I had to get over him on my own. I had to make closure on my own which I did.

I think the best thing you wrote in there was : the third one: Try not to take the break up personally. Yes, your ex is also human.. I think that is what I am trying to do. My ex and I broke up due to circumstance...he wants certain things in life that i cant give due to us leading our separate professional lives. He called the break up b/c he wants kids soon, marriage, and can not do long distance. When we broke up..I had encouraged long distance. I told him not to give up before trying but he said that it is not fair to him. He is human too and has certain needs and wants. I should not be selfish in trying to make him do what he does not want to do.

I am not very religious but I like to read and learn about different religions. I read this quote in a book about Buddhism. When I was in my last relationship, I would read the quote often to remind myself of what true love really is. I hope this helps you.. The key building blocks of a loving and lasting relationship include absense of selfishness, the presense of caring, self-reliance coexisting with sharing, compassion and understanding, respect for the other's uniqueness, absense of blaming, and a genuine interest in the welfare of each other. It is not love that can cause pain and hurt; rather, it is the absense of the genuine love. --Bhante Y. Wimala He also wrote this: In this society, many mistake selfish attachment as an essential characteristic of love. Because of this, we believe that it is love that "breaks" our hearts. Only selfishness can break the heart, because selfishness is the hook in conditional love. Unconditional love has no such hook; thereforeeee, it cannot break the heart. To get over a heartbreak, you need to find a way to let go of your selfish attachment. Strive to develop unconditional love to replace the selfish attachment that you might have mistaken for love. Let go of attachment and you will find love within you. Love can never break your heart. True love can only heal it. I am going to write one more passage he wrote that I like a lot. It is about Genuine Love. Genuine love has many characteristics. Most important, there is a sincere interest in the happiness and well-being of the other person. When we say "I love you," if it is accompanied by this honest and heartfelt interest in the other's well-being, then it expresses genuine love. Obviously, in a relationship based on such love, hatred and the possibility of hurting the other person are totally nonexistent. Second, there are not strings attached to the love. No returns are expected, only an interest in the other person's happiness and well-being. Love is not an investment. Returns that do happen to come are accepted thankfully as a bonus and not as dues. There is no coercion on the other person to fulfill one's desires and expectations. The common formulas "you should love me because I love you" and "i did that for you, so you do this for me" are not present. Third, in genuine love, self-reliance coexists with sharing. Forth, genuin love undersands, with empathy and compassion, the human condition of the other person, particularly that person's mix of strengths and weaknesses. There is understanding of the uniqueness of the individual and the person's right to that uniquenss. This implies that,while there is the recognition that problems and difficulties exist, there is no blaming. Instead, there is joint action carried out in harmony to solve the problems. Genuine love will make it impossible to cause pain purposely to each other in the pursuit of solutions. Finally, in the case of two people who have those qualities and who feel that they can share their lives for even greater well-being and happiness, they will have the special, genuine love needed for spousal relationship that will blossom and last. Love can Never Break your Heart Love can bring you great comfort. In pure love, anxiety is absent. Instead of emotional reaction, there is a calm response. If love doesn't bring comfort, it is not love. Experience of this pain caused by such inner turmoil is called heartbreak. The stronger the selfish attachment, the stronger the heartbreak will be. Intense emotions always have physical effects. When you experience anger, fear, or jealousy, you can feel them in your body. If this helped you then I would suggest you buy the book. It is called : Lessons of the Lotus By: Bhante Y. Wimala

I am not very religious but I like to read and learn about different religions. I read this quote in a book about Buddhism. When I was in my last relationship, I would read the quote often to remind myself of what true love really is. I hope this helps you.. The key building blocks of a loving and lasting relationship include absense of selfishness, the presense of caring, self-reliance coexisting with sharing, compassion and understanding, respect for the other's uniqueness, absense of blaming, and a genuine interest in the welfare of each other. It is not love that can cause pain and hurt; rather, it is the absense of the genuine love. --Bhante Y. Wimala He also wrote this: In this society, many mistake selfish attachment as an essential characteristic of love. Because of this, we believe that it is love that "breaks" our hearts. Only selfishness can break the heart, because selfishness is the hook in conditional love. Unconditional love has no such hook; thereforeeee, it cannot break the heart. To get over a heartbreak, you need to find a way to let go of your selfish attachment. Strive to develop unconditional love to replace the selfish attachment that you might have mistaken for love. Let go of attachment and you will find love within you. Love can never break your heart. True love can only heal it. I am going to write one more passage he wrote that I like a lot. It is about Genuine Love. Genuine love has many characteristics. Most important, there is a sincere interest in the happiness and well-being of the other person. When we say "I love you," if it is accompanied by this honest and heartfelt interest in the other's well-being, then it expresses genuine love. Obviously, in a relationship based on such love, hatred and the possibility of hurting the other person are totally nonexistent. Second, there are not strings attached to the love. No returns are expected, only an interest in the other person's happiness and well-being. Love is not an investment. Returns that do happen to come are accepted thankfully as a bonus and not as dues. There is no coercion on the other person to fulfill one's desires and expectations. The common formulas "you should love me because I love you" and "i did that for you, so you do this for me" are not present. Third, in genuine love, self-reliance coexists with sharing. Forth, genuin love undersands, with empathy and compassion, the human condition of the other person, particularly that person's mix of strengths and weaknesses. There is understanding of the uniqueness of the individual and the person's right to that uniquenss. This implies that,while there is the recognition that problems and difficulties exist, there is no blaming. Instead, there is joint action carried out in harmony to solve the problems. Genuine love will make it impossible to cause pain purposely to each other in the pursuit of solutions. Finally, in the case of two people who have those qualities and who feel that they can share their lives for even greater well-being and happiness, they will have the special, genuine love needed for spousal relationship that will blossom and last. Love can Never Break your Heart Love can bring you great comfort. In pure love, anxiety is absent. Instead of emotional reaction, there is a calm response. If love doesn't bring comfort, it is not love. Experience of this pain caused by such inner turmoil is called heartbreak. The stronger the selfish attachment, the stronger the heartbreak will be. Intense emotions always have physical effects. When you experience anger, fear, or jealousy, you can feel them in your body. If this helped you then I would suggest you buy the book. It is called : Lessons of the Lotus By: Bhante Y. Wimala

I dont know how true this is..but I believe in this statement: If you truly love someone then when the relationship ends, you want nothing but good things for them. You want them to be happy, successful, and find love even if it is not you. I have not been in many relationships and each one was different. My first one was for five years. He is a great person, a good friends, but a horrible bf. I went through hell and back trying to deal with the way he treated me. But when it ended (on my terms) I still wanted him to be happy. We have been broken up for 7 months now and he has moved on and it does not bother me one bit. My second bf and I JUST broke up...about a week ago. It was like he came out of a dream. He was just such a great man and really treated me with care and respect. Well that relationship ended also (on his terms). Even with him...I still want good things for him. It would hurt initially seeing him with someone else but i think that is only going to be temporarily as it is soo new to me. But eventually I can see myself being 100% okay seeing him with someone else. I think if you really love this girl...with all of your heart...then you should try to be happy for her if she does come with someone. I know that it is MUCH easier said than done. And I know how your heart is fluttering with that deep feeling. But like I said..if you REALLy DO LOVE her, then you have to let her be happy and be content with that.

Yes, you are right...I am feeling different emotions..sometimes happy and sometimes I just dont feel like doing anything. Sleep seems to help b/c then I can forget what happens..at least temporarily. I know i have to get out... but I just dont feel like doing it.

I just cant get over the fact that we are broken up. I know I just wrote "fact" but in my head it still seems like fiction. I mean only a few weeks ago we were planning a trip...today we were supposed to go to a wedding together.. He went alone...and I am here.. I want to change what happened..change our circumstances.

Thank you all for your responses...It really does help to know that others are on the same boat and have felt the same way. Like I wrote before, I have no complaints about my ex. After the breakup though I tried to find flaws in him..but I just dont have any. It is very unfort. that we have to break up without having actual relationship problems. Our issues were all due to him and I having to lead separate lives in the near future. We did not have enough time (5 months) to develop a strong love but the love that we did have means a lot to me. Last night I woke up numerous times and would remember the reality--that we are broken up..and again..it hurts inside. You all are right..it does get easier with time... I just want to be "me" again though. I am in general a VERY happy and outgoing girl. But whenever I have issues with people that I love (friends, family, bf) then I am very sensitive and I feel really hurt inside. Deep breathing does help to get rid of some of that heart pain. Also just getting out helps..but I am still in that "mopey" kind of mode.

I dont know about you all...but I get that feeling in the morning..when it just hurts. It might sound silly but my heart literally hurts, aches, and feels pain. My bf and I broke up recently (within the last week). Our relationship ended primarily due to cirumstance..he is moving somewhere..i am going somewhere else..he is older and wants certain things soon..etc. Our actual relationship did not have many problems itself. we never fought and he treated me like a princess. with respect, care, concern. he is a sincere and genuine man. i think that is why it hurts even more. if he had been bad to me then i could say that i need to move on to find someone better. but i dont believe i can get better than him. i am scared i wont find someone that will take as good care of me as he did. but the feelings i am going through these days is just ridiculous. for the most part i am strong but then i just break. i have not cried as much..it is just that i cant get it out of my mind. i keep on thinking about it. I wonder if he is thinking of me or if he has moved on mentally.. when does it get better? how does it get better? I feel alone..i want to see him. i miss him.

nope. it just happens.. i broke up with my 1st bf by phone (at the time we were long distance) but we dated for 5 years! He did not like the way we had ended esp since we are good friends so he came down and we did it in person. Which was nicer... But when you break up with someone you dont always plan it. somtimes it just happens. my last bf and i broke up over the phone too. we were on a "break" and had not talked in a week..i called him and he told me that things were just not going to work b/c we were going to be long distance. we are going to talk in person one more time when we give our things back. but i think sometimes it just happens...

My first bf sounds a LOT like your ex. He too was judgemental and I hated that. He would always talk about others and when I would tell him that he was wrong to say such things he would just get mad at me and tell me that I was not defending him. He also was interested in politics and would read a lot about different issues. I liked that b/c he taught me a lot but I also felt like I did not have much to contribute. But I also realized that he was VERY VERY insecure about himself and that caused a lot of our problems. I think you are doing the right thing by not being with him. If you dont feel comfortable talking to him about stuff then you dont want to be stuck in that kind of relationship forever. You need to go out and meet new people. Make a few friends and then branch out from there. Once you met good friends and branch out you will eventually meet someone great. I feel like the best way to meet someone is through someone else (usually a close friend). That is beyond the point..I dont think you should look to meet someone already even though that might seem like an easy way out. Trust me ..I know..I am on the same boat right now.. But I realize that we need to learn more about ourselves..grow...get into our hobbies again, develop hobbies...try to better ourselves. Hope this helps.