toughtime

Yes, it was a break UP. It officially ended yesterday. I went out Saturday night with some friends and found out that he had been at the same place earlier. He left early b/c he had a plane to catch early the next morning. I talked to his friends and they had found out that we were on a break. Their advice to me was to talk to him and let him know how and what I felt. He had told them that he was trying to focus on school at the moment. That sort of gave me some hope. So, the next morning I called him to see what he was thinking. He said that he just does not want to do long distance. I told him that it seemed as if he is giving up before even trying. He said that he just does not want to do long distance, cant do it and that it is not fair to him. I said fine. He said that we can talk more when he comes back next week since I have to pick up my stuff anyways. He was quite frank and blunt when he told me and that kind of stung. But I guess he had been prepping himself for at least 2-3 weeks. There seemed to be not a whole lot of emotion in his voice. I was the opposite. There was definite emotion in my voice but I stood semi-strong. Initially, it hurt inside knowing that we were officially done. But as the day went on I felt better. I think I overlooked certain parts of the relationship just because he treated me so nice. Yes, he did treat me like a princess, I was never sad. We only had great times..so I dont regret anything that happened. He is a great person and so am I. But just because two people are great does not mean that we are meant to be together....forever. I also realized that our personalities did not complement each other as well as we could have. He is a pretty quiet guy and then there is me who is quite outgoing. Not that is a bad thing but sometimes I felt as if we did not have a lot of common things to talk about...and sometimes it felt as if we barely talked. We just enjoyed each others presense..(not a bad thing either but I think I want someone who I can laugh and smile a good chunk of the time.) When you find your true match I feel as if you should be half lovers/couple and half best friends. In our relationship we were more lovers (or a couple) than friends. We only dated for 5 months and that did not give us enough time to develop our friendship... I have only dated a few guys..my first bf was a horrible bf but a great person.We dated for 5 years so we became good friends in the process. We are still good friends.However, in that realtionship I learned how I did NOT want to be treated. The second who I did not really date but talked to...had an amazing personality. He made me smile and laugh all the time. He kept our relationship spicy and fun. I dont know if he would have treated me well b/c we never got that far...we just kind of ended it b/c of circumstances. The third guy is the last guy...our relationship taught me how to be treated--with respect. He treated me the same way I treated him. He set the "standard bar" on how I want to be treated. What I realize from all three...that I want a guy like the second guy (to have a fun relationship with our personalities clicking more..) plus I want a guy who has the characteristics of the third guy (who can treat me well). Today is the second day after the breakup. I feel sad at times but then I remember that our personalities did not match as well as they could have.

Skippy, You are right. I knew what I was getting myself into when I started dating him. A resident..a surgery resident means many long hours in the hospital working on cases, on call days, rounds..etc. I dont think I demand too much though. A call for about 5 mins, a text..something so that we are communicating at least. But the thing is that he is not a phone person so our phone calls are usually only 5 mins anyways. Plus he is super independent meaning that he does not feel that we have to talk everyday. Let me recap you a bit on what has happened lately. About one month ago we realized that we were spending way too much time together. So we kind of did our own things but still saw each other every other day or two days or so. His calls got worst as he was at a different hospital. I understood that. Then about 1 week ago I sent him a card letting him know that I knew that the next month was going to be hard for him so he should use me as a support. I let him know that he could use me to talk to when things got bad. The day after I sent him the card I went over there to talk to him. That is when he brought up the card and said that he wanted to talk to me about some things. He said that the next month is going to be VERY hard for him. Exams, on call, end of residency, and moving. He said that he felt that he could not devote the time I needed and deserved so he thought we should take a break. I said that was fine. Then he brought up some other issues that had been bothering him. He was upset that I never introduced him to my parents. (We are from different cultures.) I explained that I never knew that it bothered him but had I known then I would have maybe tried. (After our "break" I talked to my parents and they would actually LIKE to meet him..but I have not told him this yet.) He wants kids soon..I have at least 4 more years before I can have children due to me pursuing my prof. degree. Then I asked what it was about me that bothered him. he said there is nothing..that I was the most lovable gf he had ever had. ...maybe that i would be more independent. He is not the person that needs to see or even talk to someone everyday. (now, that is not mee..but i can compromise with that one...) Then i asked if i should take my stuff..he said I could but he was hoping that we could see each other again. He said that I need to think about if I think this is good for me. On this break he does not know what he will finalize of it..whether he wants to be with me or not. He told me that I dont have to wait around. But I told him that I would--it is only a few weeks. Plus, I am just not that kind of girl anyways. It ended with me asking him one more time...is this a break or a break up? He said a BREAK. Then I asked him..is there a difference? and he said yes. So that was that...now it is about a week later..and we have not talked. I was wondering...do you think all of this came out b/c of his frustrations with work/school? When times get rough dont people tned to look at everything in a neg. manner? Maybe this is just me rationalizing and hoping for the best. I am trying to take this as a break up. Nothing said that day seemed to optimistic but at the same time it seems as if our relationship itself does not have issues..but that our issues are more cirumstantial. He has not called. The thing is that he seems to be the kind of person that would end it right then and there w/o making me wait. I dont' know though...

Thanks frankee! I want to call him badly. But I feel that he should call me since he is the one that intiated it. It is only a break but it does not seem optimistic.

Skippy, You asked me a lot of questions that I have thought about. You are right..I want someone that does not want or need a break either. I want a fighter..someone that is willing to bend, compromise...be a TEAM with me. That is part of what a marriage is about. Give and take, right? He wants a "break" and I dont like it but I feel that it might be justified in this situation. He is a surgery resident and with the end of the year coming..he has a lot of stuff going on right now. He told me that he cant devote the time I deserve right now b/c of all of these things. In the past, when things got rough with his busy schedule we did not see each other everyday but then he would make time for me on the weekend when he did have some free time. This time though he is on call every other night which means that the day in between is a sleep day. Plus he has some exams coming up. Shouldnt I be okay with a break then? I dunno...I feel that I should be his support and give him space. But it kills me inside since he has not called since friday. We never fight. or we have not fought yet...we dont get angry or yell. There is a lot of mutual respect and he treats me like a princess. Our issues though are that he is older. He is 10 years older than me. He wants kids and marriage soon. I am planning on pursuing my prof. degree first. He is going to start work soon. My heart really does hurt though knowing that he has not called.....it hurts in the morning the most. At night...I feel like I got through the day and I am okay. But in the morning..I remember everything all over again...and it hurts inside.

So we are on a break... I am having such a hard time coping with this. We have not talked since Friday... Should I call? He is the one who called the break... There is a lot of anxiety in calling a relationship a break rather than a break up.

You are right...I need to treat this as a break up. I am trying to do that but I just want to hope for the best. No, we did not set rules for this break. I know for a fact that he wont date anyone else in this time. He just has waaaayyy to much going on with work, school, moving, exams, etc. He told me that I dont have to wait around for him but I told him that I know that this crazy period is going to end soon (in about three weeks) so that is not a problem for me to wait. Plus, I am just not that kind of girl and I do really love him a lot. There have been a few guys that are interested in hanging out but I know my heart just is not ready for anything else until I am over him completely. He needs a good amt of space and I am realizing that more and more now. Intially, we spent everyday together. I totally feel comfy with that but had no idea that it bothered him. When we did have that whole "space" talk, I could tell that he did not want to hurt me. He tried telling me in the nicest way possible and after the talk he wanted to just hold me. (I think that was his way of letting me know that he still loves and cares for me.) Like I said earlier..he is going through a LOT right now and that is a major stress for him. I feel that is part of the reason he brought up all of these issues b/c I might be an extra stress since I always want to spend time, etc. He knows he just can not give that to me...right now at least. We are on separate pages in life but I feel like if there is nothing wrong with the actual relationship then why isnt it possible to work through these tough times? Every relationship has rough times...but it is all about compromise, give and take...work...right? I am young but I would not mind speeding up certain things if I met a man who is willing to give me what I want. I dont know..maybe I am trying to sacrifice too much when he obviously is not.

I agree. You always need to be on the cautious side and have that back up plan. My good friend's paretns are going through a divorce right now. They have been married for 21+ years and now the mom does not have anything to rely on b/c she stopped working after she had kids. It is very important to realize that there are not guarantees in life. Unfort. even in marriage... All we can do is really choose someone as wisely as we can. Make sure that the person we find has the same core values that we have so that they wont stray away even when times get difficult. My culture views marriage very different that the way American culture is. I feel that has caused me to get the "best of both worlds". One thing that is very important as far as marriage is concerned is that we are VERY big on working hard at a relationship and not giving up even when tough times roll by. I sometimes feel that Americans tend to give up too easily and want to move on. (I dont mean this as an insult in anyway.) However, relationships mean that two completely different people are coming together as one...meaning that there needs to be a LOT of give and take.

Hi, I am new to this forum. I came accross this forum when I googled "break vs. break up". I met this wonderful man 6 months ago. He is adopted and is 10 years older than me. When we met I was interested in just seeing how our date went.. Well, it went great and after that first date he made tons of plans to hang out with me. We NEVER fight or get into arguments even. Our personalties are very laid back and relaxed. Not to mention that he treats me like a princess. I have never felt that I had to change who I am around him. He accepts me for me. He does the "little" things in a relationship which to me goes a long, long way. He treats me like a princess...and I know that sounds silly...but he does. Since the beginning of our relationship the only thing that has caused us to be cautious was the fact that in a few months we would be leading separate lives. He would start work and I would start my professional degree. So we knew that either way , long distance would be in the picture. The only real issue we had recently was that he needed space sometimes. He felt as if we were living together b/c I would always be over. Well, the reason I was always over is b/c he gave me the keys to his place but also b/c I knew that we would not be able to spend as much time together once we were separated. Well, when the issue of space came up, I was very respectful and understood what he was saying. So it was not really a problem. From that day on, I was more cautious about just going over when I felt like it. About 2 weeks ago, he went on vacation to visit his family. (His adopted parents are no longer alive, he just has his biological brother who was also adopted with him.) While he was on vacation, I noticed he was a bit quieter on the phone but was unsure why. When I picked him up from the airport he mentioned that the next month was going to be very hectic and rough for him. I wrote him a letter letting him know that if he needed anything then I would be there for him as support. I went to see him after that when he mentioned that that was something he wanted to talk about. This is where things got kind of bad... He told me that the next few weeks will be rough and he does not know if he can dedicate time for me. He said that I deserve some things but does not know if he can give that to me due to his crazy schedule before he leaves. He then went on to say that he needs a break to think about if he wants to continue this relationship. He said that he thought he could do long distance but thinks he cant now. He said while visiting his family on vacation they brought up a point that bothered him and them. The fact that I have not introduced him to my family. That is important to him since he does not have a family and wants to be embraced by his future wifes family. Now the reason i never introduced him to my family is b/c of my culture. The way my culture is set up is kind of conservative and meeting the parents is a HUGE deal. However, had I known it bothered him so much, then I would have changed that and talked to my family about meeting him. Anyways, the other problem that bothered him was that he wants to have kids very soon. He is 34 and is ready to start that next chapter. I am only 24 and still have certain goals that I have to meet before having kids. That is something that is not in my control to change. When I asked him what it was about me that bothered him. He said nothing, absolutely nothing. I was the most kindest, loving girlfriend he had ever had. He then went on to say that I was the most kindest loving person he had ever met. He did say that maybe I could be more independent. He does not see a need to talk to his girlfriend every day. (Now this is something I dont think is very normal..I want to talk to my bf everyday..but if we did not talk everyday then I think a text or short email is sufficient. I feel that once you past the "love" stage then communication is an important component of a relationship. But at the same time, if he is the kind of guy that needs space then I can be willing to compromise a bit...) I told him that the only thing about him that bothered me was the fact that he is not very vocal about his feelings. He shows me that he loves me by his actions but never really says it. He said that is just kind of how he is. He also said that had we met 2 years ago then this might be different. Our love might be strong enough to overcome some of our barriers. He does not thinke he would sacrifice something for me right now since we have only known each other for 6 months. Well, before I left I asked him again if we were on a break or a break-up. He said a break. Then I said a break is different than a break up, right? He said yes. I dont understand why he would even want a break if nothing seems optimistic. What is the point? Why not just end it right then and there? I told him I was willing to take all of my stuff but he said that he was hoping he would get to see me again. Now someone told me that maybe he wanted some action before he left and just waned to keep me hanging around. No, I know for sure that is not the case. It is not like we fool around that much anyways. But I really dont understand what he might be thinking about to want to call this a break. Some of the issues I am dealing with right now is A)how to cope with this break...there is a lot of anxiety. B) I feel like I will never meet someone as good as him, as sweet and caring as him, someone who I never get in arguments about. I mean we have only been in a few heated discussions and all of those seemed to end right after we talked about it. I love that about him. So now what happens? He has not called and I have not called either. I know he is super busy so I dont want to bother him. Oh, the other thing was that I did talk to my parents about bringing over future bf's over and to my surprise they were okay with it. I was thinking that the next time I talk to him then I would tell him that that was possible. He could meet my family if he was interested. I dont know what happens next...what to think next.I just know that it hurts a lot inside that most of our issues are based on circumstance and not about our personalities or issues. What do you all think?