Daligal83

Does he love me back? Should I say it first? What if I tell him and he's not there yet? What if I tell him and it completely freaks him out?

I think it was great advice to get the number of the child's doctor and inform him of what is going on. If you call CPS based just off of him crying, I doubt much will happen. If, however, a doctor calls and has a medical reason for concern it carries much more weight. It seems like the mother is not responding to this child's need, which causes attachment problems. Maybe he has attached to you because he has learned that you respond to his needs. This could be why he freaks out if you put him down. How does he react when his mother comes to get him? Does he seem happy to see her? Also related to the lack of his needs being met, that can cause developmental delays. When an infant cries because of a need, it blocks out all other sensory information that comes in. So when the child is constantly crying and stressed because it needs are not being met, it is not learning and developing because of that blocking of information. It could explain why he won't hold his cup and his other problems.

Maybe she wouldn't feel obligated to come to you first. To me, that's not what you're asking. You just want what you give to the friendship reciprocated, which is totally reasonable. Maybe if/when you talk to her, you shouldn't even mention this other friend. Just explain to you that you feel like you tell her everything and it hurts that you don't get that back. It's always a good idea to use "I feel" statements instead of "You don't do this" statements, it comes accross better. I'm worried though about how hard you are on yourself. You seem like a very caring person and you shouldn't put yourself down like that. Would you tolerate anyone in your life speaking to you in that way? I hope not. So don't accept it from yourself either. You are not being selfish for wanting to be closer to your friend. You always have a right to your feelings.

So I'm feeling kinda down lately for a couple reasons. One, this is my second year in grad school and I still don't have a reliable group of friends. Most people in my program have families, jobs, or live far away. The people who are my age are just not my type of people. I've connected with some of the girls my age, but they either have full time jobs, are married, live with a boyfriend or hang out with their boyfriends every weekend. Doesn't leave much for my social life. I had a good friend that I made last year, but she's decided that since I have a boyfriend now (long distance) that I'm going to disappear on the weekends so she's made herself insanely busy. She's just assuming this because I said it's how it was in my last relationship, but she doesn't seem to understand that my ex boyfriend was controlling and basically emotionally abusive. It's not like that now, plus I haven't even seen my boyfriend since August 20th! So basically I'm very lonely here and can't wait to leave...and it makes it worse that when I talk to my boyfriend he's always going out with his friends. I mean I'm glad he's having fun, but it makes me miss when my life was like that. The other thing that's bugging me recently is this girl back at college where my boyfriend is. We're both friends with her, although they've always been closer. She's had a huge crush on my guy for a couple years now, to the point of being obsessive, and he's always made it very clear that he's not interested. Unfortuntely she's extremely immature and doesn't totally understand. She kinda flipped out when she found out we were dating and I'm pretty sure she hates me now, but still talks to my boyfriend. Anyway, on her facebook profile she's always had up a picture of her, my guy, and another friend of ours. She recently changed it to a new pic of the three of them, and wrote on her friend's wall, "it's 3 am and I just wanted to let you know that I changed my picture. He's so dreamy!!! I love him!!! hehehe" I know she's not a threat, it's not even a question. But it's still really bothering me!! I feel that it's so disrespectful to do that, especially on such a public forum. I think what's really bothering me though is that there is a girl who is in love with my boyfriend and she gets to see him while I don't. Again, relates to the lonliness. I have no time to join any clubs or take any classes or get a job...I have classes and an internship. It's just on the weekends that it gets to me. I just don't know what to do with myself...

I think what everyone has suggested is great and extremely helpful. I would like to add on that you check out local Al-Anon meetings to help you and your son deal with his drug and alcohol abuse. While you may not be able to make him stop his behavior, these groups can help you deal with how it affects you.

Don't be so hard on yourself!! That's a perfectly natural reaction. I would feel the same way. I think you should sit down with your friend and explain to her that it hurts you that you tell her everything and she tells you nothing. There could be so many reasons why this is happening, and you won't work through it until you talk to her.

It's all about the bonding process that children and caretakers go through. There's this thing called the arousal/relaxation cycle where the infant cries because it needs something, the caretaker responds and meets that need, and then the infant is peaceful again. This is how the infant learns to trust and build relationships. It doesn't have to be with someone related through blood. Although when this cycle is disrupted, that's when you form attachment issues which is what you deal with often when you have older child adoption. You essentially have to go back and reparent the child with that arousal/relaxation cycle. You have to teach them that their needs can be met and through that they start to trust again.

Can you get the restraining order reinstated? Since the police said they can't do anything without it, maybe that'd be the next big step. Also, maybe you should find a women's shelter where you can talk to a counselor. They've helped many women through this kind of situation and would be able to help keep you and your children safe. If you would like help finding one, please let me know.

I try to be supportive of him and do little things to make him happy. We're in an LDR so I sent him a care package with something for his apartment and cookies. I leave him voicemails, messages on facebook, etc. I tell him how much I miss him. I listen to him when he has a bad day. I tell him how happy he makes me. He tells me how happy he is with me and how much he misses me. When we're actually together in person, just the way he holds my hand, cuddles with me and looks at me. When he worries about me walking around the city late at night. When he talks to me to ease my PMS. When he makes time to talk to me even though I know he's exhausted. I can't really think of anything he doesn't do. Maybe just say I love you...cause we haven't done that yet. I'm waiting until we're in person

I understand what you're saying. It's hard to feel like you're putting your all into a friendship and feeling like you're not getting that back. One thing that really stands out to me though from what you said is that you're afraid that if you tell your friend your secrets, she'll go tell the other girl. Are you really afraid of that or is it what you said at the end, that you don't want to confide in her if she isn't confiding in you? If it's that you think she'll tell your secrets, I'd advise you to look carefully at this friendship. Do you really want a best friend that you can't trust? Also, have you thought of trying to connect with the other girl in this group? The other girl that isn't let in on all the secrets. All I can say is, you should never question your best friend's loyalty to you. A best friend should be someone you trust completely.

I'm not in my career yet, but I'm finishing my last year of school studying social work, with a concentration in child welfare. Obviously, I'm not in it for the money lol. I honestly do have a passion for the field, especially children. I believe that the at risk kids for the most part are just doing what they've learned to do to survive, and unless someone intervenes they'll pass those coping methods onto their children. I got a degree in psychology, so I also enjoy studying people and why they act in certain ways, which definitely goes along with my career path.

Can I ask why you dropped the restraining order on him?

Hey DeviantOne, I'm sorry that you have been put in this situation. I think that you should just flat out say something when they start to do this again. Maybe something like, I completely respect the fact that you don't want to share this personal information with me, but since that is the case could we talk about something else when we all hang out together? Then change the subject to something that everyone can talk about. That way this girl doesn't feel forced to tell you her secrets and the conversation naturally moves onto something else.

Hahaha! That's amazing timing You know, my friends told me to speak up if they're doing things like that and it's bothering me. Maybe you should say something to your friend. Like when she's going on about how it could be worse you could stop her and say, "I know this isn't the worst situation in the world, but it's still frustrating for me and I'd appreciate you understanding that." She may not even realize what she's doing. I bet she thinks she's helping you by making you think you don't have it so bad.

Yea it's hard when everyone seems negative about what you say and is always contradicting you. Sometimes it's like, can you just agree with me for once? I know they care about me and love me, but it's hard to have a ton of friends who really do get me but they're so far away. But I guess we have to look at it like it takes more of their energy to disagree with everything we say than to just be ok with what we say and what we do, so it sucks more for them lol. And thanks for the cleaning situation compliment

Nope, but I wish I was lol! I'm from Western NY, but currently live in PA for school. I just have to finish this year and I get to go back to WNY!

I don't think you're being fair here. She's saying that after hours of conversation each day, she's looking for ways to find more to say. That means that everyday they have a couple of hours of great conversation. She never said she was unhappy, she just misses her boyfriend and wants to talk to him for as long as possible. Nothing is wrong with that.

Well you can combine that with some of the other suggestions of not talking as long or as often. You can also just talk about everything that happened that day, that takes up a lot of time. Another suggestion, have a phone date. You can rent the same movie or watch a TV show together while you're on the phone. That way you don't have to talk, just make comments here and there, and it's less pressure. I know you want to talk to him for hours everyday, but maybe if you cut down that time and went out and did some fun things, it'd be another thing you can talk about!

Those are great! I'm trying to think of ones we've done.. What would you do with your life if your current choice in career/education wasn't an option? What do you like best/least about yourself? What moment in your life are you most proud of? What's your favorite thing about your relationship with each other? If you could change one thing in your life that you've done, what is it and why? I actually have played this game for years with my best friend, she's a pro at it. It made my day when my boyfriend suggested it because I knew they'd get along when they eventually meet. Yvette, do you think your boyfriend would be open to playing with those types of questions? It might spark some thought in him and he'll come up with some of his own.

I don't think you can judge by pant size. Each store tailors things differently, and you have to take into account vanity sizing. Plus, there is no size that you "should" be. You should just be healthy.

Use it! Send him a copy of it. I have trouble coming up with questions too, but when I do it's a really good one. Most of the time my boyfriend asks three or four questions before I come up with one. Maybe once you get the ball rolling by asking him a few questions, he'll get into it.

It's great because you can find out the little things about the person that you wouldn't through a typical conversation. My boyfriend and I had been friends for years, but we still learned so much through the game because we didn't know the little, personal things. And now that we're far apart, it can still work too since we're not around for all the little things. Honey Pumpkin, we do all those questions too. I once asked him how many times he's been in love, and his next question was like, what's your favorite ice cream haha. And he loves the hypotheticals!

Actually we've been friends for a year. I'm in grad school and this is my second (and last thank god!) year, after which I'll be going back to either my hometown or where I went to college (only an hour apart, boyfriend is in the college city). I've felt disconnected from them in a lot of ways through the whole friendship, but in other ways we do connect great and they are great friends so it's worth it. It's just those times that they come down on me that it gets rough. Apparently they don't think they're being harsh, but again, it's just personality differences. If they do it again, I'm definitely going to speak up. Still...if they could tell when I left that I was upset..then they should have been able to tell earlier and stopped. It wasn't weird that I left, I told them ahead of time I'd be leaving early, so they must have been able to tell by my reaction. Oh well...

My situation is like El ricko's. We talk everyday but it's not for hours, not really becuase we run out of things to say but we're both very busy and just don't have the time to be on the phone for that long. One thing that could help though is something we do when we're actually with each other in person. We play this question game. You take turns asking a question, but you have to answer it yourself first. It can be serious, something you've always wanted to know about the person, or fun. We've literally played this game for hours, it's fun!

On my part or theirs?