k2004myway

IMHO, the best way to get out of the friendzone, if you're in it, is to show her how much she really likes you--by backing way off and hanging out with other people. She'll might actually stop lying to herself and admit that she actually is attracted to you. I've seen this happen many times before.

Man, you two are in entirely different stages of life. You're entering into the age of self-discovery if you're leading a normal life. She's well beyond that and in a stage where she's beginning to think about her legacy. Plus, she's probably at the point in life where she's realized that she really doesn't know all that much. You're still in the age range where you think you know how everything works (I've been there and I now realize that I'm not so smart at 31 years old). I agree with the first response: get older. I bet you're attracted to her maturity, down to earthness (it comes with age) and emotional stability (it comes with age). Those things will come to someone with time and effort, even someone your age.

You know, I had a situation where I had a girl in my life who a couple of years before I would have never thought of considering her in *that way*. We hung out a lot, but I never really thought of her that way. However, one day as I was watching her do some things and hanging out with her, it hit me that this was quite a quality girl and someone I should really consider *that way*. I decided against it for various reasons, but ended up with a far more mature understanding of the kind of woman I want. And a good point--don't ever use the word just when talking about friends. Friends are never a *just*. As for why woman like guy friends--I've been told that guys aren't catty or manipulative (as a guy, I disagree on the manipulative--we just manipulate differently), that they have a certain level of security in having those relationships (always a teddy bear available) and we don't harbor resentment for small offenses--that is after a good fight, we still regard the other party as a friend.

Do I want to be involved romantically with such a girl? Not at this point. This issue is that she is just a really, really fun person when she's normal and I kind of hope that we could just simply go back to that. I may be holding onto a fleeting hope. I believe that part of the problem as well, is that it all started as a professional relationship (I was her boss for a while) and when she transferred, we started hanging out socially. Also, being a friend, and indirect boss (I'm the right hand to our division's head), in the life of her dad, I feel the need help the girl out because I hate to see such a promising person stuck in such a relational rut. I do have experience as am emotional counsellor, so I'm a bit of a sucker for this kind of stuff.

I made a post in the "can men and women be friends" poll regarding this relationship, but here's some more detail. This friend and I used to have a great time together. However, she has issues with closeness with people--she freaks out and moves to other friends when she gets close (male or female). Such is our case--however, our closeness has far exceeded our mutual understanding of how we define our relationship. We both deny to each other and others that there is attraction--but I think we are in denial--at least one of us is anyway. Anyway, she's at this point where she gets uncomfortable with closeness and is tempted to run. However, she wants to overcome this and promised not to run. When she gets uncomfortable, however, she goes into ignore mode for a day or two (sometimes gets downright mean and has to apologize later) and then explains why she was ignoring me and we're still cool. However, this constant repitition of this pattern is really starting to drain on me. My thought is, when I get back from this speaking trip, to explain what I explained above about our closeness/understanding disparity (which I just came to the conclusion of) and that we either need to take our understanding to where our closeness is or vice versa--because this is just driving me crazy. The second option will require significant time off from eachother and things may never return to the same thing--an innocent and fun friendship. The rough part is that we are both part of the same social group and her dad is a friend of mine. A cutoff, even temporary, will require that either she or I find a new social group. Her dad has warned me about this tendency, by the way. Anyway, any thoughts on what to do?

If you spend enough time with someone, you'll fall in love with them. Friendship between the sexes must be kept with stiff boundaries and open communication and avoiding deep emotional connection. That is the only way. I myself am in a situation where a female friend and I have allowed ourselves to be much closer to eachother than our mutual understanding allows. The amount of time together as well as the type of that time reflects a couple in a committed romantic relationship to one another. Both of us deny any attraction to eachother, but I feel we are merely in denial. This has caused numerous relational difficulties and communication problems. What was once a fun and innocent friendship has become quite a chore for both of us. We've been trying to figure this out, and this is the conclusion I've come to. I'm on the road right now, but when I get back, I'll be laying out the situation before her and giving the options available, which in my mind are taking our understanding to where our level of closeness is or moving our level of closeness to the level of our understanding which will mean a significant amount of time off for us--and things won't really ever be the same.

I'm under a lot of stress right now, and I went to the woods behind my office yesterday during lunch and bawled my eyes out. I felt so much better afterwards--and I'm a boy who is called on to do the stuff when a "haws" is needed.

Good relationships, platonic and otherwise, are an emotional risk. Those who don't care about anyone don't take those risks. Such people will get bit in the end. The women who flock to these guys, are generally insecure and not the kind you might want to have a LT relationship with. You need to invest in people and risk being hurt--which is what nice people do. The only problem I see is that you might be too clingy and maybe a bit hesitant in making your intentions known. Be nice, but show confidence in your ability to attract a woman.

As for why women go for the "bad boys". A friend of mine, female, says that girls fall for the wrong type of guy because every girl wants to be the one who "cracks the nut" (fixes them).

She actually apologized last week and gave me some explanations. She grew up moving around a lot and has issues with close relationships--male or female. If her dad wasn't a good friend of mine, I might have just cut it all off. However, her having said that, I've got a mission now--to help her overcome this fear of close relationships. However, she got weird again yesterday when she told me she had a dream about me buying her some gifts that a husband would buy a wife and didn't know what to do with that. I told her it was only a dream and not to worry--I couldn't afford that stuff right now anyway

I've known girls who use teasing to communicate interest and at the same time as a defense mechanism (to protect themselves from hurt by staying lighthearted). I've also known girls who use it as a defense mechanism when guys cross boundaries and they feel uncomfortable. I've also known girls who do both--as is my current relationship (lucky for me, she just tells me when I've crossed a line). I agree with the body language comment, though.

Enjoy the moment without worrying about the what ifs. That's worked wonders for me in my relationships. When you're ready to move on, try moving on with her.

I have found that if I am natural and myself with a lady in such a situation, she is natural. If I am awkward and weird, she gets the same way. When you see her, just be yourself, say hi, but don't force yourself upon her.

He is into you.

We guys can be pretty thick-skinned on seeing subtleness. However, if you don't want to ask him out (I'd suggest you don't, we guys like to take the initiative), I'd share with him some things that are important to you. Family history, stories from you past, etc. You can also introduce him to your close friends. Casual taps and frequent eye contact may communicat interest to him as well. I'd just continue spending time with him and let him get to know you. You might try what someone I know did with me, bring up the subject subtly, for example, "I wonder what people are thinking of us."

So, I've had this acquaintence for a while. She's actually a friend, platonic. However, recently, she always brings out her concerns about rumours about us dating, or that she's uncomfortable with how well I know her and how well she knows me. I tell her I want to meet her where she's at, and she wants to keep hanging out. Lately she's said she feels too dependent upon me. However, she's brought this up 4 times in the last 6 weeks! What is she doing, and how should I respond? I'm usually pretty cool about this stuff, but this is one too many conversations of this type!

So I'm in a low-level (entry level) relationship with a girl and a friend (another guy) asks me if I want to go to a coffee shop to do some reading. She's near me when he asked. I say yes as long as I can be back by 9:00. She hears and then gets on me about why by 9:00 and not later since I hadn't said anything about 9:00 earlier. We live in the same apartment building. I said that I wanted to spend some time with a family in the neighbourhood, which didn't work out since his wife was sick anyway. She said as long as I don't go off watching the favorite show without her. I told her I'd invite her if we did. I then jokingly told her, "no doing that without me either." She took it seriously, sighed and said maybe my friend and I should go rent a movie and bring it back and we all could watch. I said, it depends on how I feel at the time and she responded, don't just do it because I asked you. Anyway, I was quite frustrated by that time and she said she was starting to feel kind of sick. She'd been pretty emotional all day--much more so than normal--so I suspect certain biological things since it's been about 4 weeks (we went to the store about that time and she bought the stuff right in front of me). Anyway, upon getting back without a movie, she was quite cold and distant. I went to my computer and MSN'd with her dad, who lives many, many miles away, for a while (we get along great--didn't bring that up though) and went to bed. I suspect I should bring it up next time we talk to see if any conflict resolution is needed or if it was just because we were both pretty exhausted. Any thoughts, should I bring the whole incident up, or leave it alone, or let her bring it up.

That's a tough call there. She's probably a bit awkward/shy and wondering what your intentions are. I'd see if she would like to hang out again sometime. I'd also let her know why you'd like to hang out. For example, "Hey, do you want to hang out again. I'm asking because I think there's some chemistry and I'd like to get to know you better." Women like that kind of honesty--and she will greatly appreciate it. I'd also say that with this kind of girl (and because you work together), you've got to take it one small step at a time.

6 years isn't that bad. I know people who are happily married with 10.5 years difference (31 and 20 is when they got married). I'd allow yourself to get into conversations with him and see what happens. Let him get to know who you are.

Next time he's writing a paper, see if you can sit with him while he writes it. A married couple I know does this, and she just sits and reads and is in his presense. After a little while, he says, hey, guess what I discovered and lets her in on his work.

I did turn her down, and yes, it was part of a conversation about how we know how to get under eachother's skin. I responded to her with a hmph and a thoughtful nod (to her statement). It was said in a joking tone. We actually had a really good talk the other night (after this event) about boundaries and being open and honest about thoughts and feelings.

So she says to me: "We spend way too much time together" and then in no less than a minute: "Let's go for a ride on the golf cart". How in the world does that work?

There is a simple answer to your questions--as named in the title. Ask her!

I've also learned very recently, a girl likes a guy who will gently, yet firmly, stand his ground in a conflict. That's a guy she can respect and not manipulate. And yes, you want to attract that kind of girl--the kind that doesn't like the idea of manipulating a man.

Casually. You can do something like this--I think you're pretty cool and want to get to know you better, you want to go do _________________ on __________ day/night. Keep it casual and don't make it like a proposal. Also, have a definite plan in mind and don't be a waffle on it.