eimono

Hello All, I am in desperate need of help with my girlfriend's loss of her mother. About 1 and 1/2 years ago my GF's mother passed away due to a sudden heart problem. She had been moving out of the country to go to a school over seas. And as often happens, she blames the fact that she didn't see all the signs or do something about the ones that she did on herself. That the extra stress of her leaving caused her mother to die. She has nightmares almost every night where she wakes screaming and crying because she misses her. Also nightmares where she can't see her mother's face or hear something she is trying to say to her. I've been seeing my GF for about 4 months now. It's been 1.5 years now since her mother passed, and things seem to only be getting a little worse each day. In fact, I see it's starting to effect our relationship. While she won't admit it, she is pushing me away on so many fronts. She is in deep depression and won't/can't seem to allow herself to grieve and heal. Things she says seem to always be provocative and sometimes just cruel to me. She doesn't even see what she does and in talking to her about it, she becomes defensive and angry. I've tried to get her to go get some counseling, but she says she can't talk to anyone about it. She "isn't ready to deal with it now." Everything else between us is great, and as time continues to go on, I'm afraid this will end us because of the fights that seem to be caused by this. I don't know what to do to help her heal. I've tried talking to her, I ignore so many things she does just because I know she really doesn't mean to hurt me. I think she is pushing me away because deep down she doesn't want to lose someone she loves again. I've tried just giving her as much love and support as I can... but it isn't getting better. I've thought about ending things, but I do love her. I don't know if it would help to just set a date in my head... and if she hasn't gotten help or gotten better, leave. Or to tell her, if you don't get help, I will have to leave... I just don't know what to do. Please, how can I help her? BTW: she is 29

azbabyblues, I feel for your current problem. I wanted to reply since I feel somewhat on the side of your man as I struggle with the same problem at times. While I've had to struggle with this addition, it's far less a problem then for some people that I've know or read about. For me, I could go a while without it, sometimes months. Then some sexy ad on TV, or a steamy sex scene in a movie would make me question things. In the end I'd find myself trying to justify things until I turned to porn again. Then after word, I would feel so horrible for not having the self control to stay away from it. I only viewed soft-core porn, and never kept any of it. I never had a desire to do anything but view it, but I know that is different for everyone. Most of the time I had viewed it was outside a relationship. So I can say that not everyone will go around and have sex with others. Don't misunderstand, I'm not trying to say it's okay or harmless. When I was married and my ex-wife cheated on me. So I used it as an excuse went back to viewing it again... Years later now, and I've moved on. Struggling with it on and off. Then a few months ago I met and started dating a wonderful woman. We had both been cheated on in our past marriage. Her ex, however, was cheating and viewing lots of porn. So she was dead set against me viewing it. I can tell you that I've done very well, but sometimes I get too close to the "gray" area. I don't have any porn now, nor do I go out looking for it. But sometimes a movie will have a scene in it and I will keep viewing that. It's been very hard for me because the last thing in the world I want to do is hurt my girlfriend. Reading your post I felt your pain and it just makes me cringe to think that could someday happen to her/us. We've talked about it a few times. I wish that I could just change things. There have been a few times where I was "clean" for months in the past. But in the world we live in it's hard to not see suggestive images and go down that road again. I can't speak for him or try and guess how he feels. But I know that I love my girlfriend so much right now. I know that I hate my past problems with porn and how it scares her now. If it did happen not only would I feel worse that I couldn't control myself, but that I've hurt her. If it is to be overcome, it will take a desire on his part and help from you. There are a ton of sites on the net that deal with porn addiction. There are even support groups for both sides. That would be a good place to start. He sounds like he is somewhat like me in that he does want to quit. Just we need help to overcome it. And I do agree with another poster that church could help too. Good luck, I hope you can find a way to overcome this. P.S. After re-reading my post for errors, I can see how I'm really trying to justify my actions and say it was okay for me because... But it's not. It's not about how you feel or how you can justify it to yourself, but that it effects your partner in a negative way.

Hey all, I've been in my first LDR for the last 1-2 months. I've been doing a lot of reading, and trying to find things to make things go smooth. On a few of the sites, I found that some people found it useful to keep a love journal of their feelings. So I had this idea... Why not make a on-line version, where both of you could post your feelings and thoughts? You could go back and read some of the good and bad times and be reminded of why you are with that person. Might make those lonley times a little less painful. Of course, both people would need to keep it up to date, but wouldn't take much time. And you could do it from anywhere with a internet connect and web browser. (big plus) So, my question here would be has anyone seen something like this? I looked at some blog software, and that could be made to work... but I wanted something easy to use. I'm a hard core computer geek so it's not a problem for me, but my GF isn't (yet Want something simple, but still allows us to post pictures, and maybe even sound clips. If you guys don't think that's out there, I'm going to write it. Just didn't want to re-invent the wheel. I also did a "virtual date" where I took a bunch of pictures of things and made up a virutal fantasy date. It was basically just a webpage with me telling her what I would do if we could spend time. Add some nice pictures and you've got a virtual memory. Kind of fun, maybe that could be linked into the love journal... I wanted to see what you all thought of the idea.... Thanks for the input!

Wow, could you make a more sexist generalistic statement? You are not being fair to anyone by saying that. I know women who can't have a friendship either. Both sides can have that level where you are just friends. It isn't always about sex. And for the record, I have several woman that I'm JUST FRIENDS WITH! I can say that because while they are good people, I've never felt anything towards them in a sexual way. I have zero interest in them for anything other then a friend. And no, I didn't used to date them, they were either co-workers or from my church. And they are not ulgy either, just I need to have an emotional connection to someone before I would persue them. But maybe that's just me... I would agree here, it's not a good sign when your SO is going out of their way to spend time with someone of the other sex that's a red flag. I've been cheated on by more then one woman too, so just remember it works both ways. If my GF started to go out with a guy friend alone I would be worried. If she went out with a group of friends, some male/female then I would have no problems. I realize that there are many people of both sexes who cheat, but don't assume that everyone is like that.

Look around on the net, there are a ton of good sites. Check this out to start: link removed Also watch chick flicks. You will see what women find romantic and can start thinking like that. Most men just are not exposed to it so they don't think that way. If you expose yourself, you will see things that make women happy. EDIT: Yeah, might have been good to find out if you're male or female... Just more often then not it's us guys who need help.

No, not at all. I just have those dang voices from my past. I think she is very honest with me. It is just my mind is listening to the voices and not what she says. She could tell me she wanted to come see me, and five minutes later I would be thinking she may not so I'll ask again because I put that out of my mind so fast I forgot what she said... So I understand why she gets upset, I don't blame her. Just that I can't seem to get over this quickly enough and don't want it to continue to be a problem for us.

Hello everyone, I've got a problem that I can't seem to fix. I've been dating this great woman (long distance) for about two months now. We have a wonderful connection and talk on the phone every night for at least three hours. We have met in person twice, and have a great time together. We both have a past and have been cheated on, etc. I noticed somewhat early on we still have those "thoughts" that something may be wrong when it really isn't. I expect this is normal and will pass over time. Time heals all, and we are both open and honest about things. The problem comes that sometimes she will tell me something, I will hear it, but not believe it in my heart, and like five minutes later I ask her to repeat what she said. This makes her mad and she starts saying things like "why do I even bother to tell you things if you don't listen." I of course, try to tell her I'm sorry and didn't hear her, but that seems to make it worse. Then for the rest of the night she is "upset" but not that she would admit. Key point, I asked her something last night and she said "no I'm not upset" but her voice said otherwise. I asked her what was really wrong and she then said "well now I am since you think I lied to you." I know that my own insecurity is causing me to do things, but not on purpose. I've talked to her and asked that she work with me when this happens. That sometimes I just need to hear her say it again, and that it will improve over time. I'm not sure if I'm doing it more then I realize or she just isn't able to see why I really do it. I don't want to sound as if I'm making excuses for her, but she does have a lot of stress in her life right now. I try to understand and just let things go that she says because I know she really is just upset at other things in her life. But I can't control when she gets upset with me. Is there anything I can do to help this? I'm trying really hard to believe what she says, but sometimes those voices in my head get me question things that I shouldn't. Thanks for any help.

You don't know how common this problem is for everyone. And in fact, too many people don't seem to ever figure out that is the cause of their problems. I just started a my first *real* relationship in years a little over a month ago. I found a wonderful woman and we started talking and connected like no one has in my life. We talk every night on average of 3 hours and sometimes as long as 8! Things were going perfect and then something strange started to happen a few days ago with us. We both started to get a very strange feeling, and it kind of effected our conversations. Since we are both completely honest and open with each other we talked through it. It turns out that since everything was so perfect we both started to get scared from our insecurities from our past. Both of us had been married and had a cheating spouse, among other problems. After we talked through it, things go so much better. What we did is admit to one another that we had some scars left from our past. I asked for her help to reassure me when I start to have doubts. For example, when I ask her if she wants to spend time with me, I'm really asking "tell me you want to spend time with me." This helps me get over the fact I find it hard that someone really wants to be with me and not use me. This has really started to make a difference for us and things continue to get better every day. It is a slow process, but with their help and time, it will change!

Update: Well I had my first meeting with her this weekend. Everything went perfect. We were both a little nervous at first, but got over that very quickly. Spent the entire weekend together doing everything and sometimes nothing at all. We both agree, we want to continue this no matter what. In fact, we already have our next meeting setup in a few weeks. I think I'll be investing in some webcams for us to use. Phone time isn't an issue, but still would be nice to see each other as you guys have suggested. From what we have talked about, it may very well work out that in a year she will be moving to only an hour or so away. (instead of 4+) Thanks again for all the great comments!

Thanks for the good advice. I think a webcam would be great idea. I can also see how it would add some trust as well. Don't think talking much will be a problem, right now we talk every day. Last night we talked for 4 1/2 hours. I agree this seems fast in a lot of ways, but maybe I didn't give enough detail. We've been talking for over a month now and had some very honest and up-front conversations. It is amazing how much a like we are and how similar we think. As I've said, I've never met/talked to anyone like her before. We even seem to know what each other is thinking just from a giggle, laugh, or humpf. Unfortunately, I've had more then my share of bad matches and have just been blown away how good a match we are. It does seem strange as we've never met in person yet... And we both agree that that will be the "final" test of what will become of us. I just have that feeling that everything is right and not even thinking something will go wrong. In any event, I feel such a strong connection that I'm willing to make it work, even if it is hard. It is possible that my feelings are premature at this point. I just want to make sure and do what I can now to lay the foundation of a strong relationship so that it can survive the trails of distance. Thanks again for advice and comments.

Hello all, I've been reading the forums and there is a lot of advice out there... It seems some of it is just general, other is specific. Anyway, wanted to know if you guys could help me out as I'm just starting my first LDR. Not so unique story: I met this woman on a dating website (eharmony) and after going through the entire personality process sent our first few emails. On our second email she asked some detailed and personal questions. I asked if I could call her and give an answer as I didn't want to email it. This was very unusual for me and I honestly didn't expect an answer. Well as it turns out she emailed me back with her number and of course, I called. We talked for about a half hour and we got some good questions out of the way. With the basics established, I gave her a call a few days later... This time the conversation lasted for over two hours. I have to admit that it was after that phone call that I had this feeling that this might be the "one" someday... We continued to talk and talk more over the next month and this last weekend had my longest conversation every, 8 hours long! I'm very luck as I have a cell phone with unlimited minutes from 7-7 and weekends. Anyway, I've never felt a connection like this with anyone before. I have plans to drive and go see her for this weekend. We both are very excited about it! Now on to the advice part, she has decided to go "back" to college and get her masters. She just started this and looks like she will have a few more years of this. I completely admire and support her decision to do this. Problem is that she is at least a 4 hour drive away. Neither one of us has had a LDR before and don't know what to expect but have open minds. What advice can you give me so I will know to do things right from the start? One last bit of info, we are both 28 and have been married before so have some understanding of relationships, just no idea about a LDR one. Thanks in advance.