eimono

I know, And every time I start to look back and think of all the good times... my mind starts to make excuses for the bad. But then I force myself to repeat the bad things she did. The hate, the anger, the pain she caused me. That helps me a little, to see what she had become. And that I don't need or want that kind of person in my life. It seems so common to focus on the good, ignore the bad, and want what we had. But the more time apart from her, the more I see that the bad was really worse then I had admitted to myself. I remember more then one day, being at work and dreading going HOME because I knew she was in or going to be in a bad mood. How do we let things get so far out of hand? I guess if I could learn that it would save me from this again. I want to take some time to make sure that I don't do this again. That I fix my issues and get my self respect and worth back. Then I will have something to offer another in a relationship. Yet that little voice in my head keeps screaming... Maybe this will make her go and get help and change. Maybe she will do ........ I just have to let go of this hope and assume that she will never change. That I will never be with her again. Then all I really have left is to fix myself and worry that I will change for the better. I need to learn to be happy with who I am and the things I have. Then, and only then, will people want to be with and around me. Then I will have the power to say I won't be treated like dirt by anyone. Someday, I will be better. Someday, I will be great!

Very often what happens is that the other person has moved on and convinced theirselves in their mind that breaking up was the right thing to do long before the actually did it. But of course, they don't tell the other person until that day. It very sad, I think often if things were talked about more openly it would be better for both sides. But instead, they come up with all these reasons to break up and sometimes it's just wrong. But hey, you can't control another person. If that's what they do then you just have to accept it. So really, nothing changes quickly, it changed over time and you just didn't see it happening and/or he hid it from you. It does hurt, and nothing people say is really going to make it better. I just broke up this weekend, and I'm trying so hard to do NC right now. I can't help but remember all the good times and that just makes me want to ignore the bad. But this is where I think the problem is. We often want to expect the best out of others. We want to think they will change for the better and we ignore bad times. We try and focus on the good and then the bad is not so bad anymore. Then you start to question why you don't give it another chance. So I say, remember the good, but remember the bad just as much. Accept that while you had good times, there were problems and bad times.

Hi all, Well I wanted to give you guys an update on my life. It's been a long road and I haven't reached the end yet, but it is in sight. Things came to a end this weekend. I talked to her on Sat and asked if she wanted to go to church with me on Sunday. She said, "sure that was fine" and "I'll call you tomorrow and let you know." Well she called and went over to pick her up. Right off the bat she was in a bad mood. I just tried to keep calm and didn't let things get to me. She got upset enough to start cussing about things and I was ready to leave but just tried to give it some time to cool off. As I was pulling up I asked her if we were seeing each other and she said yes. I said so then I should introduce you to people as my GF? She said no, she didn't feel that way and we were just "seeing each other." I said ok, if that's what you want. We never did meet anyone and after church we went to lunch. It was nice so we ate outside. It turned out that both of us had Monday off work. So I asked if she wanted to go do something on Monday. She said that was fine. I asked how much time would you like to spend, an hour, few, or half the day. She said "that depends on what we are doing." Things were still uncomfortable and I was having real trouble figuring out what we could do tomorrow. And then she said, I'm cold take me home. So I did and she said if you want to come up that's fine. I went up and tried to finish talking about our plans for Monday. That's went things just kept getting worse. She kept bring up problems and was hateful, spiteful, and just had resentment and contempt towards me. I said to her that it was really hard for me right now and I'm working through my issues. But I needed her to help. I said we need to move on from the past or we will never have a future together. And sitting there, looking at her face as she said mean things to me. It hit me like a cold slap in the face. She was showing me nothing but negative feelings. I told her that I'm not strong enough right now to be kicked when I'm down and I can't do this anymore. She said, that's fine, this is the second time you've done this. (Broken up with her) But that wasn't true, when SHE moved out I told her I didn't know how to feel about things but never said it was over. I tried to say that maybe when we work through our issues things could resume but right now I can't do this. She just got more distance and kept saying mean things. She said, "this is 110% your decision, I just want you to know that. I was willing to work through things and I knew that they would be hard like this." So I said I should go. I asked if I could have a hug goodbye and she just laughed in a "you're not worth my time" way, and didn't even get out of her chair. I got up and walked to the door. Then the words that I will never forget were said. She said "Call me when you fix yourself, I may be available." I don't think I can describe how that made me feel, but I said goodbye, and left. I haven't talked to her since, but I have to take a jacket back to her so at some point I know I'll have to at least see her. While I know that this was the right thing to do for me. It still feels like I gave up. I know I tried hard to make us work, and I'm even doing everything I can to fix my issues. Such as reading books, seeing a therapist. But that statement kind of says it all. In her mind everything is my fault. She hasn't taken any kind of responsibility for her actions and issues. And the hate and blame is directed at me. Instead of her facing it, she puts it on me and gets mad at me. I miss her, and I do love her so much. But I hit bottom, and she was only kicking me when I was down. I didn't feel good to be around her anymore. She made things harder for me and I assume I was holding her back as well. While I know these things are true, I don't feel any better about it. I guess they say time heals. I can see it will take a lot of time and help for me to get back to a good place. Thanks for all the kind words and advice everyone here has given me.

Kpow, Do you see the pattern? You're drawn to the things in your personality that you don't have. You are very accomplished, you have goals, you strive to be better. Yet you're drawn to people who don't have these qualities. Maybe it's your bad side, the one that sometimes resents working so hard to get the things you have. They are drawn to you since you give them the things they don't have. They are not willing to improve their lives so they depend on you to do it for them. It seems like you are taking on the mother role for them and they then resent you for being the parent and leave. Very common, I did somewhat the same things. This is important, so next time, you don't repeat the same mistake. You may be attracted so that type of person. But really, is it because we feel safe that we give them something they don't have? For me, I have a low self-esteem. The fact I have something that they need makes me feel good about myself. So I'm attracted to people who have a deficit of some type. In my marriage, my ex needed me to take care of her. Do the bills, make the money, fix the house, and figure things out. She depended on me. And in the end, I resented her for it. So with my (ex)GF I picked someone who was independent and intelligent. However, I failed to see I picked someone who wasn't dealing with issues in her life. I tried to fix her, help her grow. And I became the parent and she grew up and left. (well sorta...) Look back at your own story, are you finding people who you can do something for and have no value to you? Next time, find someone who has goals and can grow with you in life. Then, I think, you will truly be happy.

Kpow, I found and read your post today. I too am having such a hard time with things. Before I was married and my ex left the state. It took me a little longer, but I did recover. Now, my (ex)GF still wants to work on things. Yet she moved out and needed some space. So many people here, and others in my life have told me to do NC. But it is just so hard for me as well. I see the many things I did wrong, and how much I wish I could fix them. The what if's just haunt me all day long. And before I go to bed, the place where I used to feel so close to her, I am forced to be alone with my own thoughts. Everyone tells me I need to move on, but it's so hard for me because I need her to not leave me. I need her to see me as something that is worth a dang. I need her to give me a chance. And as much as that is true, I know that I tried very hard to make things better between us. I searched back through some posts on here and found where I asked for help 5 MONTHS before this happened. That I DID do things. It was very little, but it at least helped me to not feel like I was such a failure. I know that I made lots of mistakes. I know that I could have done better. But I also know that I put myself aside for her. That I moved my boundaries of what I would allow someone to do for me. Just because I thought she would change for the better. Maybe you could look back at the things you did for him. See that you gave yourself to him and the relationship. And from your post, he didn't grow with you. He refused to overcome his character limitations and was holding you back. I wanted so much for my (ex)GF to grow emotionally, to overcome her issues. But they never happened. In most cases, it takes great emotional pain to make someone change. So when we provide a safe place for them, they don't feel a need to change. Right now, I would be so much better if I could just come to a decision about moving on or staying. I see her try, and then I see her not. I think I know in my heart that this is and has been over for some time. But I haven't let go yet. So I'm making things harder on myself. You can pick up where I can't. Allow yourself to grow as the person you are supposed to be. I too have been told to just focus on the bad. I don't think that is really going to help. We had good times with them, we love them still. Accept that, and see what we want from another in a relationship. People always say, "there are so many others out there, you will find another one." Right now I don't feel that way. And from what you have said, you don't either. And the truth of the matter is we may never find someone else. But I know that letting this hold me down and feeling I want to diei is not going to attract the type of person I need and want. I have to learn to be happy with myself and what gifts God has given me. Remember back when you met your ex, were you happy at that time in your life? Were things good? No one wants to be around us when were down. That's the one thing we feel like being too. Lets pretend to be happy. Just one day at a time. I'll keep you in my prayers.

Well, I haven't called her in the last two days. She works nights and I told her not to call me after 10pm. Not sure if she worked late or not, but I did noticed once that she logged into Yahoo IM at 10:06 on Wed. Either way, I haven't called her. But two things really bothered me. 1) On Tue just before she came over we were talking on the phone and I said I had missed her that day. She said "thanks." THANKS!? Does that mean she didn't miss me, even enough to pretend to say it as a default reply? She was always the one in the past to say she had missed me. 2) On Tue night we watched a movie when she came over, when it was over, at 11pm, she almost ran out of the door to leave. Gave me a hug and said goodbye. I know I have a serious problem with feeling that she doesn't want me. But it just seems like there is something else going on here. I do often read too much into nothing. I'm not going to call her, and going to try to focus on my life and doing other things. Just so hard when I love her and wonder what's going on between us.

Hi all, Need some help trying to get better from my (ex)GF. I say it like that because we haven't stopped seeing each other, but just took a major step back. You can read some of my prior posts for more info. But basically I tried NC for about a week after she moved out. She came over one night at 2:30am, after having a few drinks, she was crying and said she wanted to keep working on things even if we didn't work out but that she did the right thing to leave. I'll leave the "right thing" part to time... I've realized that I need a lot of help to get over my co-dependency problems, and been seeing a counselor. I've been reading tons on this site and books to try to fix my own problems. It's going to take time, I know, but I'm working on it. My counselor, many people on here, have told me I just need to stop seeing her and do NC. That it would be the best thing for me to heal. But I see that she is working on a few of her issues as well. I'm not perfect and I don't expect her to be either. I've made so many excuses for her too, and moved my boundaries when she crossed them. So I don't want to go back into that hole, and she doesn't either. (she said anyway) Right now we are just taking it slow. Just have spent some time watching movies and going out to eat. And just hugs goodbye. It kills me since we were living together and everything was so intimate. I feel as if we can't talk about things anymore, that I can't reach out and touch her etc. It really hurts, and part of me just wants to know either in or out of this relationship. Monday and Tuesday she came over and we had pizza and watched movies. Last night she didn't come by or call. I know she works nights, but that voice in my head it just driving me nuts. I can't help but feel as if I'm too much into this and she isn't. I'm supposed to go spend time with my guy friends, but honestly I can't seem to enjoy it. I'm always thinking about her. I know that this will only push her away since she needed space of her own to "find herself again." So if I keep trying to hold on it will only drive her away... and that's not what I want... I think. How can I let go a little without totally letting go? I really do love her, she has so much that I value in a person... as well as things I hate. The easy way I can see is just tell her goodbye and do NC. Then I can fix myself without anything holding me back. But I don't want to do that... I want my cake and eat it too. I want to work on fixing me, but I also don't want to give up what we have(had). Is this just too romantic an idea, and am I fooling myself to think I can pull it off? Thanks

It had to happen, Last night I had to give her some mail from the hospital that was marked important... that and a few other things. So last night, for the for the first time since sunday I talked to her. We talked for about an hour. She seemed so different last night, I didn't seem to know here anymore. She cut/changed her hair. She looked like she was doing well too. I know, my therapist told me not to explain myself and just cut things off. That it would be better for me and help me heal my problems. But I just couldn't do that. I needed to let her know why I couldn't see her. I just cannot stand being anything but completely honest. So I told her I was getting help, that I had to take care of myself and I didn't know how I felt about us anymore. She said that was okay. She said if I wanted to break it off, just be friends, or start over and work slowly it was my call. She said that she had always wanted to work on us and what were were doing (living together and fighting) was not working. She left because she had lost herself and we were beating a dead horse. She said she still loved me, and I asked are you still in love with me. I had to explain that was different from just loving someone. I told her to think about it and didn't need an answer. But she said right away she knew it and her answer wouldn't change. But she never gave it to me, and I didn't really want to know right then. She asked me back and I said I didn't want to answer that right now but I did know how I felt. I wanted so much to just ask her if she was going to go get help for herself but I knew that wouldn't be a good thing so I didn't. At one point I asked her what she was going to do to "take care of herself." She said that she was going to start doing things that she stopped and had liked, try to find out who she really was, and face some issues she had. I asked like what, she said about her mother's death. I didn't ask any further, but I know that she needs help with that and she is going to have to seek it on her own free will. About an 1 to 1.5 hours she said I can't keep thinking about this right now. I said I should leave, she said no I just need to do something else it's too painful right now. I said I just need to go. So she said well if you want to see me you know where I'm at. I said I don't want that responsibility right now. And furthermore, I'm going to be very busy next week packing, cleaning, and moving into my house. She did offer to help me move but I said I'll be fine. She said if you need or want my help "I want to help you." So then I told her I have to go, you know where I'm going to be so if you want to talk or see me you can stop by. And I walked out the door, she said she had missed me and I replied I had missed her to and we said good-night. It could have been worse, it could have been better. I'm just so confused right now about how I feel and what to do about us. Since I stopped by last night, I feel strongly that she needs to stop by and see me on her own. She moved out for her space and finding herself. I feel if she wants to really work on us that I need to feel that. So right now I won't go see her and wait for her to see me. Is that a good idea? I'm still working on me through all this. I've been to the therapist twice now and have a weekly visit scheduled. And I've been reading boundary and relationship books. What else should I do?

shes2smart, Thank you for the wonderful advice. I really think you have a lot of truth that I'm going to take to heart. I've started to fix myself, been to a therapist twice now and have a weekly visist scheduled. I'm reading tons on these forums and have two books about relationships and boundaries. Which I let my boundary of what I would allow be moved, I see that now. And I'm trying to deal with having a codepentancy problem that made me refuse to have her leave me. Do you think there is any chance that if I give her time and space that things could turn out like they did for Hope in this post? link removed I know I need time, and I know she does too. I'm thinking we both lost who we really are and tried to be someone else. She has other issues and I know that is going to take HER wanting to fix them on her own. So if I don't put pressure on her and make her stay maybe things could get better? My therapist said it would be best for me to let her go and work on me. My one remaining friend said maybe I should too. While I am going to do what it takes for me, I just don't want to give up on her. Deep down there is the good person I love, just has a lot of layers that need to get help first. Thanks again for your advice.

Be careful sibling, I all hear in your messages is anger, pain, and revenge. While it's ok to feel that for a while, don't let it consume you. You need to feel the other emotions to heal as well. Don't forgot the good times you had, and don't forgive/forget the bad ones either. Look at your actions, where did you let him do things that you wouldn't let a friend to do you. Find out where you let yourself down. Learn from the past... Healing is important to *you*, do it for yourself. You have to heal if you ever want to be in a loving relationship down the road. Trust me on this, I'm speaking from experience. I didn't heal, I didn't allow myself to feel anything but hate and anger. And it's ended up hurting me and the person I tried to get involved with. Good luck, and please read more on the forums for more advice.

Congratulations on ending a bad relationship. It's the first step towards healing and finding a good person! It can be so hard for us to come to the point when we see the light. Just remember to be strong and stay committed to yourself and your boundaries. If you feel weak come back here or get a friend to spend time and support you. I know for myself, I'm still in the danger zone where I can't make up my mind if I've had enough abuse from my GF. I see the light but I'm afraid of it right now. Redefine who you are, get your boundaries (things you need and won't take in a relationship) back up. Work on yourself then find the right person who matches it. Good luck, this is a great time for you!

You know, after having my GF leave me on saturday I've struggled with this. Do I love her? I asked myself well, what is love. Is "things I love about her" mean I love? No, because I can just as easy list things I hate. Is "the way she makes me feel" love? No, because there are bad times just as much/if not more then good feelings. Is "the fact she loves me too" love? No, love cannot depend on another to be true. Is "being willing to do anything to show you love them" real love? Not really, you can be infatuated with someone and still not really "love" who they are. They say love is blind, but I think we are in fact blind to love. Is it "accepting her for who she is and still wanting to be with her" love? This sounded like a winner, however, truth of the matter is I wanted her to changes some bad things about herself. Plus my fear of being alone doesn't mean I won't leave even if she has problems. None of these things alone can be a test for true love. So the best I can come up with is this... Love is acceptance of who the other person is, desire for the other's company no matter what you do, and most of all love is not dependent on reciprocation by the other party. If you know you want to be with that other person, and it doesn't matter what they think or feel about you, then I think you truly love them. This goes without saying if they hurt/abuse you that you should not be with them. Only that you love them regardless of what happens. This said, all to often I've found myself loving another person only to find that I didn't really know them. And what I loved about them was something I had projected. Or feelings I had wanted to be there so I made them up. I think true love takes a long time to acquire and know if it truly is love. I only hope, someday, to have a better answer for this question. Sorry if I am down about love right now. Just wanted to make sure it was said that love isn't aways fun and happy.

I brought that up once and it didn't matter. She just wanted out. She said "we both know that won't solve anything." Which is true, don't just get engaged because. We needed to solve the problems and she had her mind made up.

Hi all, I'm back writing again because I need more advice. As some of you already know my (ex)GF moved out on Saturday. It has totally devastated me and I'm trying to work through my issues on all this. Been reading a lot on here, and have a visit to a consoler this afternoon about my issues. Where I need some advice is what I should do about my GF. Looking back through the forums, I found where I posted 5 months ago about issues she has with the death of her mother. This was causing problems back then and I was afraid it would end the relationship. As time went on, I guess I made her problems my own and blamed myself for the relationship failing. May have never saw that if it wasn't for the old post(s). Anyway, here are some things that she has that I know need to be fixed: 1) She has no tolerance for things, one mistaken word and she gets mad. 2) She has a control issue, I'm guessing since she doesn't want to get hurt again. She was in an abusive marriage before too. By controlling I say this because she interrupts me when we try to talk about things. Then she moves to raising her voice to the point of yelling. And if I try to walk away she says "Don't you walk away from me I'm not done" then gets in my face. 3) I think she feels as a victim all the time. If she even thinks I'm saying something that may hurt her, she lashes out and ties to hurt me. And all to often it wasn't meant to hurt her or be mean she just thought it was. 4) It seems that unless she feels I'm doing what she expects, she doesn't seem to put an effort into us/me. Haven't figured that one out just yet and it may be wrong.. Now that's the stuff that I see is being very wrong. Now the stuff that I think may be worth the effort. 1) We have a lot of common interests, more then I've found with anyone else. 2) We have very similar religious beliefs 3) I consider us to be an intellectual equal and can have good stimulating conversations with her 4) We can relate to many things in our pasts since we both shared a very similar bad past. (Except I didn't lose my mother) I never found anyone else like her before. That is one of the reasons I became so in love with her. However, her (and mine) issues have kept us from having a really great relationship. Do you think that her issues could be solved? How much time should I give her? Is there too many things wrong now, should I just walk away? How could I tell what her level of commitment to us is? What should I ask (maybe demand) she do before we continue? Thank you all for your advice. This has been so hard on me and I have been so blinded by love that I didn't see how bad things had gotten.

It is just so hard because I wanted to be able to help her. I feel like I failed and I did so many things wrong... That I could have done something better, or tried harder. Then I start down the road of how much I hate myself for the fact his always happens to me. How I've been left or cheated on and then left every time. Makes me wonder what is so wrong with me... So I started doing some reading on the forums and found a old post of mine from 5 months ago. Yeah, Back in may.. link removed It's a post where I was trying to find my current (ex?)GF some help to get over issues. And I even felt back then that it could cost the relationship. But something happened in those five months. That made me lose all concept of what she was doing and what I needed to do for her and us. Reading that post almost makes me speachless... yet I don't feel any better. I still feel as if I failed some how. I've got a session with a counselor tomorrow. It's just for me to try and help with these issues. But do you guys have any other advice? How do I keep myself from crawling back to her and letting her problems become mine? I haven't talked to her since sunday morning, so that's a start I know. Just not sure I have what it takes to stay away until at least I heal.

kellbell, Yes, it is... I just had hoped that we could find a way to work throught her troubled past. She came by asking to use my phone yesterday, we ended up talking for a few seconds and before I could finish a sentence about how I felt she interrupted me and said I see you're being grumpy today too so I'll leave you alone. And left. I haven't heard from her since then. I have a feeling she might stop by tonight, but I just don't know. I know I want her to, even though I don't know how to fix us or if she will every get help.... BellaDonna, no she moved out, not in... so that's much better. I'm just looking back at things that happened now and wondering what to do about all of it. Why do our hearts have to love people whom they shouldn't?

Hello all, Can you tell me if you think this is the start of abusive behavior? My GF (just moved out on Saturday by the way) was previously in a very abusive relationship. While she doesn't think she is abusive, here is some of what she does: Interrupts anything I say when we get into even a disagreement. I've asked her to stop but she can't seem to control herself. She raises her voice, to the point I say she is yelling if she thinks I'm not listening to her. She says "I'm not yelling, you're just not listening to me and I'm trying to make sure you hear me." When things get very heated she gets up into my face, I try to leave the room and she blocks the doors. If I try and walk away she tries to make it where I can't get away from her. One time when she was very angry I tried to leave and close myself in the bathroom and she kept trying to follow me. Yelling I'm not done talking to you. I tried to close the door but she threw her weight into it and broke the door off the hinges. It was a cheap door but still... She said it was just as much my fault since I pushed it from the inside. One time she got upset when yelling at me and threw her elbow into my side as she walked out of the room. She claims she didn't do it on purpose and she was sorry. But I remember that she just forced her self out of the room and seem to try to push me out of the way. Is this the start of some very bad signs of thinks to come? If we stay together, how should I handle this?

well, she left me... here is an update, I don't know what else to do, please continue any advice you may have....

Hello all, I'm sorry if this is long just have a lot on my mind. Here is a little more background if you want the reading link removed Basically, my GF of 9 months moved out yesterday. She claimed that she needed a place of her own to feel secure since she moved with me we kept saying "maybe we shouldn't be together." And she would have to always worry about if she was going to have to leave today or not. As with most things, she makes them into something bigger then they needed to be. In any event, I've begged her to stay and work on things. I asked her to go to counseling, both together and individually as we both have some past relationship issues. She said she would, but only after she left. I asked her to read book, everything to try to get us to stay together. She refused and left. I told her that I felt that this was an act of giving up or running from our problems. You see, I feel that too many people quit when the relationship gets hard. They run away hoping to find a Hollywood Mr/Ms Perfect happy ever after. Life is almost never that way, and I feel that you have to work hard for something good. Then I think she lied to me too... The night before she left, she got home at 2:15am. She had to close at work and would normally get home around 12-1. So I asked her if she had to work late. She said yes, and went on about how the manager made them stay. I asked her what time she clocked out, she said 1:45am. We live 1/4 mile away, takes 3 mins to get from her work to home. So I asked her why did you just get her at 2:15. She said, oh I went to Josh's birthday party for 5 minutes. I said there is a 30 minute difference there and he was supposed to be just accross the street. She said, well I don't know exactly what time I clocked out. Already worried about the truth, I asked her for her clock-out receipt for that night. She said, "oh, they had to do something different with the tips and I don't have one tonight." When she left in the morning to go get her new place, I looked and found a clock-out receipt. It said 1:15am. So when she got home I confronted her about it and she said that wasn't the "real" one. They just clocked her out to do her tips and then clocked her back in, and "they do that all the time." I want to believe that so much, but it just doesn't seem right... I feel that she is lying to me here... Could this be true? She has insisted on getting her own place. Every time we "talked" she always said "I'm moving." She didn't consider anything from what I can tell. Even though she told me the whole time we would talk and she would decide for sure. Well as I said, she is gone. I'm heartbroken and feel as I've been lied to, that she has someone else. This new place would allow her to see someone and I would never know. Why would you move out and then continue to pretend to want to have a serious relationship? We were planning on moving into a house I just bought two weeks from now. And this happens... I'm so hurt that I haven't really eat or slept in the last 5 days. Losing a lot of weight so that's a good think I guess... but I'm a total wreck. She then comes over today to get some more things and has the nerve to tell me that I'm the one who is breaking up with her. I try to talk to her right now but I'm just so hurt I can't say anything but how she has hurt me. She then just interrupts me and walks of saying It's all my fault. I haven't said that I want us over, just that I don't know what to do or feel about us right now. I do love her so much, but I'm not sure I can be with someone who is going to run if things get difficult again. I know part of me wants to make her feel bad since she has hurt me, part of me just wants to be with her, and part of me is so afraid if I let her back into my life she will hurt me again. Please, give me any advice on this.

I see what you are saying, it sounds a lot like what she has said too... I'm sure part of the problem here is that I'm afraid. Things haven't been going as well as they could lately. I'm afraid that this will turn out to be the end. Since we won't be together very often she could just start to get involved with someone else. Since it's not convenient for us, all the there people around her are easy. Yeah, I know, I'm not trusting her right now. How can I trust her that she wants to move out/leave. She even said she isn't sure about us in the future. But at the same time she says she is not quitting on us and she loves me and wants to be with me. I'm so confused, and afraid. It wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't for such a long term. 13 months, and the time we won't be able to spend together. I see so many couples these days give up when things get hard. I don't want that to be us. I feel having a relationship is about work, about growing and learning to love each other as life changes you. Everything in me is fighting this and doesn't want to let it happen... Am I just too involved and wrong in feeling this way?

sonjam, Good idea, I brought that up about renting to her, or just being roommates. And that I wouldn't throw her out. But she refused that, I didn't think about a lease and having that be a legally binding contract. Who knows, it might be just another thing, to help. I really do understand why she feels that way, and I'm very sympathetic to that. I just know, that if we really commit to it that things will get fixed and we will overcome the problems. She isn't so sure right now. Just a little more info, if it helps at all. She moved in with me from a LDR 220miles away. At the time, she didn't have enough money for food, and we had been seeing each other for 4 months. I helpped her out when I could, but I could only do so much. After she moved in, I supported her for the last 4 months until she finnally got a job as a waitress. Although she denys it, I wonder if she didn't leave before because she couldn't. Now that she has a little money, she sees it as an option. On the few occasions that we got into one of those "you should leave fights", she was yelling and screaming at me. That just makes me shut down because of my past. One time she became simi violent and I just told her I won't have that in my home. I'm not trying to make excuses for me telling her to go, just that I didn't know what else to do. She needs help, and so do I for some of my issues. There has to be a way to fix this without moving apart. I just feel that is a mistake that we may never recover from.

I know it feels impossible to prove it, but I have to try. Am I wrong for feeling this way? Lets say, for example, she just moved 1 mile away. That we could see each more often. Now, even with that happening I have two real huge problems. 1) She left, and while she didn't want to end the relationship right now, she "ran" instead of staying and working through the problems we have. So next time, when things get tough, is she going to run again? 2) oh, I can't even remember now that I got here. I worked a 10 hour day today, and it's after midnight and still awake reading help forums and website looking for that magic set of word... that may not exist. I just know in my heart this is wrong for us. I don't have a right to speak for her, but I do know that it is for me. And when we work, it is such a wonderful thing. We have so much in common, but yet so much that isn't. But what I've known from the start is we have something I've never had before with anyone. I just can't stand by and let this happen without doing everything. If I do, at least I can live with the fact I did what I could.......

I'm sure this seems like a lost cause, but I won't give up until the end. And the only reason it's so urgent is that she got the deadline of tomorrow to move out. So I'm left proving to her, that things can and will get better with work or else she is gone. And I love her so much I just won't let that happen if there is anything I can do about it.

I wish that were possible, this place was one of the only ones she could get with her bad credit. They only allowed her to get a 13mo lease. I understand her point to, but I feel so strongly that we haven't tried enough things, and I know we can make it work. If she really does love me as much as she claims, and I do love her so much, we can make this work. We just have our own issues getting in the way. I suggested the counseling log ago, but she has been afraid of that before. She has so many issues about the death of her mother a few years ago. And she just isn't ready to face that yet. We did agree, once, not to bring up the leaving fact... didn't take too long and it happened again. But I know that isn't what either of us want, we just didn't know what else to say or do. She feels as if there is nothing else, but yet she still is telling me, just prove it to me and I will stay. I want to stay but I don't know anything else... I feel like if I can just say the right thing, we can work form there. But unless I say it, she is gone. There has to be some way to at least give her hope enough to give it a chance. I asked her to give me two months to prove it to her, but she wouldn't let me do that. This is so important to me because I just feel that this will be the end because it's running from the problems instead of facing and fixing them.

Hello All, Forgive me for posting in here but I don't know where else to put it. My GF and I have been dating for 9 months now. We have been living together for 5. We have had our problems from past relationships and trying to learn to be with each other. We both love one another very much and want more then anything to be together. However, things have just not been going well. We seem to get into fights a lot because we are failing to communicate. Often times we get frustrated and end up saying things we don't mean. For example, maybe we shouldn't be together. I will freely admit that I've said it a time or two just because I wanted to get a reaction out of her and I was hurt by something she said. I didn't mean it, and I always told her that soon after. She too has said the same thing, I assume for similar reasons. Again, lack of proper communication. Well, as it turns out I just got a house and we have been planning on moving into together to make it a home. However, a month ago things starting getting bad again. So we got a little bit further down the "We should not live together anymore" road. She actually got most of the paper work done on finding a place. And it turned out she went for a 13month lease. I just buying the house am stuck there. I convinced her to talk it over with me before signing the lease two weeks ago. But for whatever reason, she has it in her mind again that this is the right thing to do. Don't miss-understand, she still wants us to "work" on us, just not live together anymore. So what's so wrong with that... well I think it's due to problems and not what we really want. We both love being to be with each other and it's totally tearing me apart that I won't be with her, and she and I couldn't even be together for 13months even if things got better. Her main problem is is tired of going back and forth from staying, to leaving. She said she wants to feel secure and is afraid to move in with me for fear of having the "I'm leaving" conversations again. I want so much for us to work this out and don't want this time issue to make the next 13 months of our relationship (or end of it) to be done on a correctable issue. She told me tonight, unless I can prove to her somehow that she could not feel that way then she is leaving tomorrow. Of course, I don't know how to prove it. I told her how I feel, told her that I'm willing to do whatever it takes to make her feel safe and secure in us and where she is. But she wants proof. I've signed up for couple counseling, got 6 sessions lined up, told her I want to do that. She said great, lets do that and if I feel better then later I may move back in. I said that we can read books, talk to others to find out the things we were doing wrong. Same answer, she says it's not good enough for now. I don't want her to make a choice now based off a fear that we could fix together. Sure, I don't know for a fact we will be over if she leaves, but I know where she will and I live and that it will be almost impossible for us to spend time together. And for the next 13 months! PLEASE, help me find the words or things to do. I really do mean I want to do whatever I can to make her feel good about staying. She says she loves me and she wants to, just she feels this is the right thing to do. I feel like we didn't try enough things, and those we did we didn't try hard enough. I'm not asking her to try harder, I will be happy put the effort in myself. She can see for herself that I'm telling the truth. But if she doesn't give me the chance I can't prove it to her. I've spent the last 5 hours crying, she went to a birthday party. I've only got a few hours left to convince her. What can I do or say??? Help, please...