Nerve_Net

I just can't do this anymore. My life is falling apart around me. Friends are leaving, and the ones I do have don't think much of me anyway. I won't be loved ever because I'm just undesirable. I won't amount to anything. I'll just end up alone in life because I'm so introverted. I don't even get what there is to do anymore. I'm so useless. I'd like to thank evertyone who's helped me in the past, you've all been fantastic, but I can't do this anymore. I can't pretend I want to live anymore. It's too hard, and I know I'm a coward, but who knows.. I might be too cowardly to take the cowards way out. I just want someone here for me. Someone to care and love for me. Someone who I can share everything with, romance, court, but no, I'm too ugly/attaching/high maintenance/stupid/naive/or whatever, just take your pick. So I spend all my time alone, without any encouragement or hope in my life.

YES. That is it. Concentrating on your artwork is good. Very good. It can be therapeutic to concentrate on artwork, but not to take your mind off it. Try drawing/painting/whatever-ing something depressing. Really depressing, to get the dark colours and feelings out. I've done the same, but I've written poetry to vent my feelings on paper, maybe you could do the same? (Or something similar). How about taking a little sketchbook round with you. If you feel upset, start drawing little things out just to keep it off. If you feel you're going nowhere with your counsellor, you should tell her and try and quit or get alternative help. She'll understand. I also find it useful to keep an occasional journal (but my poetry covers that), so good. And I don't honestly know how to deal/beat depression. I feel like I've been in and out for the past 8 years. There is no easy solution. But I think you're on the right track with artwork and keeping a journal. Maybe in your journal you could set goals for yourself (never mind your counsellor). Don't stifle your tears either, it is good to cry, there's nothing wrong with it. If you feel bad thoughts coming in, read, draw, paint, listen to music... watch a comedy programme... ANYTHING. Or listen to the radio. If something you really hate comes on, take the mick out of them/the song. That usually can get a giggle. But there is no concrete answer. But I can at least try to help... I know how you feel... Good luck again.

I agree that therapy takes time, and over time it can help. I've personally never had it. I just don't believe in it, despite troubles I've had. And yes, petalbud I do agree that there are too many cliches. The same advice, phrases you've pointed out, they all are cliches. I understand, sometimes it feels like it's the same old same old advice and it's too contrived. But there isn't any magical answer to solve things instantly, and it HAS to be a cliched answer. Humans don't have the answer so they make up cliches that have stuck over time. That stands for counsellors. But you have to give your therapy just a little more time. And there are other ways. Therapy isn't just sitting on a chair reciting your life story off by heart. Good luck petalbud, and I agree with you about the cliches. I'm tired of them myself.. Tell your counsellor it's not working. I doubt she would be offended in any way. In fact, I reckon she'll give you alternatives, or do anything to make it better. I won't use a cliche, but good luck. If you hang in there, you can do it, in some way. Good luck.

Well.... I don't know anymore... The thing is, these past few weeks... months have been hard.... And I feel so worthless. I know I sound like a broken record moaning about life. link removed link removed link removed link removed link removed Those are just examples of this past year for me.... just scan through them, you'd get the idea... I feel like nothing is worth it anymore. School seems to have no upside. I go, I learn, I do exams every year. I feel like all I am is an average student, and sometimes I feel I am really not cut out for higher education, and I feel University would be a waste because of that. I don't even know what I want to be when I grow up. It sounds stupid, saying 'when I grow up' at 17, but I don't know what I want to be. I'm just going to be a waste leeching off the country all my life. I'm still bullied in a way.... I take verbal comments at school. I've never told anyone, always tried to put on a good humoured look on it recently. My friend dying... I still can't believe it... I just want him back because he was.. such a good friend. He was a bit of a prankster but it always good fun and he... lifted my spirits after I'd been bullied for 3 years. And he didn't even know. My other friends... they get along, but they don't know any of this, they'd just laugh. They do think of me as too 'sensitive' and I get 'in too deep' with women amongst other things. My love life... well, as you can tell, is non-existent. I sound so... selfish, wanting someone, because there are so many lonely people, and I make myself out to be the only person.... but I just feel like I need affection and love. Because of what's happened to me, I don't know, it might be something that snapped deep inside of me, that I throw myself at the mercy of women. There is one girl... who I reference in this topic > link removed ... And I feel like I've probably lost her as well because I'm too shy and have practically no self-confidence. And now I've lost a close friend (we met on the Internet and we text each other regularly through the day. She once loved me, but she said it wouldn't work out... because she's 21 and we live pretty far from each other, and I do agree with her, but I would have at least tried... so that broke my heart some more).... because I'm too 'moaning' and it gets 'boring'... and I bring her down too.... and she decided not to text me anymore. I've begged her and begged, but her reply to me was *ahem* 'Eff off'. And.... I feel like I'm going to lose more... and I'll just end up truly alone. And something's going to snap inside of me, and I feel like it won't be long before I commit suicide... I've never felt more low and I can't hide my tears anymore.... it's not going to be long... I have nothing to believe in anymore. I'm just going to snap and commit suicide soon and... it's going to come soon, I just know it and... God, I can't believe I'm unloading this on people, I'm so pathetic. I just don't feel like I can cope anymore.

Gone through almost the same thing with my best friend, and he died at 17 (through cancer, brain cancer). I really... feel for you and understand what you're going through. If you need anyone, I'm here to talk to. What I'd recommend right now is to see him. Don't say goodbye (well, you can if you feel he doesn't have long left), but just talk to him. If he needs someone there, talk to him about it. Otherwise just talk to him about anything. Don't make a big deal in front of him, and don't make out "Oh, you're dying!" or anything like that. Just be normal around him. He'll appreciate it, since he isn't able to live his life as you do. Letting go? That's harder. When he... does go, just let it all out, don't bottle it up. Cry, talk about it, remember him. I myself aren't truly over my friend dying, even though it was about a month ago. But it can help, thinking of him, maybe write your feelings out (I did it in a poem). The funeral will make things better because you can cry and not feel stupid. One thing though, it'll be okay. You're not alone, you have your family and your friends beside you.

Nice song by Orange Juice, by the way.. Umm anyway... this is hard to describe. I.. don't know how to describe this, but I'll just go on with it: I want love. That is a hugely flawed statement, but I'll go with it. To put everything in a nutshell, I've been bullied from the ages of 9-12, I still have verbal bullying and the occasional physicial jibe now and again, at 17. I've never had a girlfriend, I've never... been hugged or kissed, or even touched by a girl (aside from family, and affection I get from family is... not often). And the truth is, I don't know what screwed up notion I have in my head, but I feel like I want affection. Recently, I've had a lot of turbulence in my life, not telling a girl how I felt before we broke up for Summer Holidays and I've felt bad about that (I'll come onto her later), I've had... something of two nervous breakdowns, almost straight after that my best friend died, then it was the funeral.... y'know. I feel like I'm so... unworthy of anyone. I don't think I'm good enough for any girl, anywhere, anytime. I feel like I'm ugly, pathetic, I'd probably get too attached, I'd be too overtly romantic. I don't go out, I don't go clubbing, I'm not in any clubs (there aren't any around here anywhere, which I know sounds like the 'same-old' excuse, but there isn't). My failure with women is legendary. But I've put my past failures behind me, you know, what's the point in dwelling and all that. But this girl I mentioned earlier, the basic story is, in December I went on a school trip to London, and this girl tried to (seemingly) get close to me. I didn't reciprocate, because I had an online relationship, which fell apart in January ironically. In late February/March I realised I actually did like her. I actually tried to 'hang around' with her on another trip to Belgium, I bought her a drink (as well as her friends, I had a good excuse ).... and... I still couldn't ask her out or anything. We've talked sporadically, but she does look at me and smile and she does the hair thing. It might be just myth, but... y'know, I don't dismiss it, and I'm sure that she likes me. However... In about May, I asked her if she "wanted to do something sometime", since I'm so unaccustomed to asking anyone out. She said she'd "get back to me"... I assumed it was a "No" but polite. But then she still looked at me in the same way. I realised I liked her... a lot, and I wanted to ask her out or tell her or whatever before we broke up for Summer Holidays. I never got the confidence or the chance, and.... as pathetic and overtly romantic as I sound, I feel... lonely without her in my life. I'm just being stupid I guess. But I have no idea what to do when we go back in September... should I just get over it, or try and tell her something, ANYTHING, or just... leave it as it is... I'm just so confused about that. And this is all just combining with my lonely feeling. I am getting so lonely and depressed.... I know a relationship doesn't solve everything in your life, I just want someone here to comfort me and hold me and stuff.... it's not about sex at all (I'm not saying I don't want sex, not at all, I just don't think it's that important in a relationship), I just want some comfort in my life. Preferrably, I'd want it with this girl, but... I'm so confused on that, and I don't want to be alone anymore, I feel so scared of being alone. And these feelings are just tearing me up inside... I feel like I'm nothing worth living anymore.

First off, to be pedantic, I'm a very introspective poet, my poetry is quite dark and sometimes unclear (and not in a good way). Though, my English Literature teacher has said my poetry is good, and I should consider it as a career.. well not a proper career, but like a main occupation. (I figured more side-career, but we'll see). Umm... these are 3 of (in my opinion) best poems. The first was my teacher's favourite she said out of the first 'batch' I showed her, and is a kind of homage to Bryan Ferry. The next two are poems that I wrote just tonight, and I consider them pretty good, not perfect mind. So I just wanted to get a few more opinions on my poetry, please. Loneliness (Homage to BF) - 15/2/2005 Walking down an empty street My soul on low again I walk down the old cinéma A pastiche of black and white White tuxedo by the pool The roué supreme I dream of the life Oh, the vintage life Mon Amour My love I sit and watch the lovers Oh those pretty petty lovers Inside of themselves A kiss Tender and true "Nothing but me and you" Resonating in my head Those words I once heard now gone From my aural pleasure Walking up the gravel An inviting home The e'er so fair living room Upholstered leather French lace draped accross your vinyl tanned skin My only friend On those lonely nights Old standards flicker in and out of thought A fading record My breath inside you Grainy walls mark out The blood stained teardrops Cried over you My mind is blown Your vinyl body Perfect to all pleasures Oh, the thrill of it all Alone From the Sun shining in the daylight sky, To the moon looming in the nightmare sky, I lay alone. With my curtains shut and my room dark, Nothing to do, Nothing to wear, Nothing to feel, And my heart feels bare. Desktop surfaces dust-worn, Rags torn Upon my bedroom floor. Aztec Camera blaring, As I grow more over-bearing. Self-consciousness of self-abuse, And self-comfort, what my soul will be wearing. The Sun meets my eyeline, My shopping bag eyeline, It's like working in a coalmine. Fading words, raspy throat, Upon her I did and still do dote. I lost my way, And for the sins I've pulled There was a price to pay. And the price is done and I end up alone. Like forever in my life, alone. Why don't I learn? When all life does is burn, Why do I deserve this? Time after time, No reason or rhyme, But still I try. But tell me, what is life without love? Single happiness, No comparison to double togetherness. And still I cry. Uncouched skin, untouched, cursed to be untouched. Misunderstood mind, misunderstood, doomed to be misunderstood. Broken heart, broken, made to be broken. Like a lonely train leaving from the lonely station, Lack of admiration, Adoration. And if I could I'd be free, So break off my shackles, And tenderly and comfortingly hold me. It might sound soppy, and might be taken for free, But remains to me a mystery. Lost is a cost, My heart sent back, stamped 'VOID', in the post. It's a heartbreak and a heartache, For Gods sake, I need to be loves as time grows short. My time is done, and I'm still alone, Love a mystery, please see, what I hold in my heart, For you, I dote on you, special one, I don't want to be alone. Morning Campers! From the lands of the high To the bustle of the streets, From the Norfolk coast to the Anglesey, From the Welsh warble to the Celtic tongue, To the English done to lives won, Many lost but at least few are won. Morning campers, the world's awake, Pack in the bull for Gods sake, The selfish roots of hypocrisy, The world is going for the buying rate. Morning campers, the TV's gone, What will you do when technology's done, Your reliance on the petroleum. Oil is fit for paying, Asylum, it's fit for staying in, And on goes the xenophobia. Waste not, want not, Morning campers, the world is turning And the Northern soul it just keeps on burning. Adoration for the media, The country's on its crutches, Good morning campers.

I'm not sure if this is in the right place, by the way. I feel so selfish talking about all this anyway, what I'm going through is nothing important to anyone, why should anyone care... Well... what can I say.... this links into my fear of loneliness, and being on my own... and maybe this is best to get out instead of keeping it in. Before I knew him, when he was 9/10, my best friend had a brain tumor, he took therapy to treat it, and beat it. He spent 6 years in remission (I met him when I was 13, him being 4 months younger than me) until he was diagnosed with a brain tumor in December 2003 (Boxing Day). He went through more therapy, this time, radiotherapy, and more intense chemotherapy. In that time, the rest of our group of friends did a sponsored walk for him (7 and a 1/2 mile walk round the highest peak in Yorkshire, Whernside) and raised just more than £1220 for him. He had it beat in October/November 2004. Then, in early 2005, it turned out that the tumor had come back and was spreading down his spine. There was nothing that could be done (being that he'd had enough therapy pumped into him, and the tumor had spread too much) He passed away last Friday morning at 17. He was my best friend, and was the strongest and bravest person I've known. I hate to think what his family's going through. I know what I'm going through means nothing in comparison to them, but... I don't know... like I said, it'd be best to get this out. I don't mean to sound selfish, but.... well, I mean, I miss him and my life feels so.... empty. I feel so.... dead inside, I can't describe it. It's like I lost a part of me when he died. I told my parents, and... they did comfort me, but I put a brave face over it all (My parents and I have had strained relationships). I've had trouble sleeping, and I can't really concentrate anymore. It's just the thought that he's gone.... and he won't come back. The funeral will help (if I go, I'm not sure if it would be a family matter, and I would respect that), but to be a pedant... in my past, I've never been hugged or touched by a girl. And the thing is, through this sad time in my life (even before my friend died I was going through a depressed time in my life, and had something of a nervous breakdown a few days beforehand), I need someone there to hold me and comfort me. I wish i did, but I don't. I know having a girlfriend wouldn't change my life completely for the better and turn my life around, but I just feel like I need someone to hold me tightly and kiss me and hug me, because... I've never had that, and I'm really... brooding for that at this time. There is a girl who I would like this with, who I know likes me (Signs like brushing my hand, always looking and smiling, but too shy). BUT I never told her how I felt about her before we broke up for Summer Holidays, so I don't have her in my life right now (And I don't know where she lives or her phone number or anything). And I just want her here to... comfort and hold me. Missing her has contributed to my 'nervous breakdown'. And all this is just tearing me apart, my best friend dying, this girl, my recent 'nervous breakdown', and self-esteem issues/depression.... all this is just crumbling down around me, and I don't know if I can deal with it... it gets harder every second to put on a brave face.

First of all, I'm sorry about... all that (I know you wouldn't want to get into it here). These things happen in life. Your boyfriend I'm not sure on to be honest (Having never experienced it. Never had a girlfriend of myself. w00t. well, take as long as you want to grieve, it's not unusual. You never know he could be going through this too, losing you (Depending on the cirumstances, but like I said, I won't pry). You haven't talked to him since I guess? This... happened for a reason. Either, A) Hold on for the possibility you could get back together, or B) Realise (Like everyone else in your position, as far as the boyfriend thing goes) that it just wasn't... meant to be and that their IS someone out there for you. Take as long as you want to grieve over him, I'm not criticising you for it. The two... deaths? First of all condolences. Well, as far as the brain haemorrage I kind of know how you feel. My best friend has a brain tumor, pretty much different thing, but he's dying and... eventually he will. I'm not sure how I'll handle it so I can't say (and he isn't as close as 'stepbrother's wife')... but... these things happen in life. It can't be helped. You shouldn't feel guilty for it, and don't do anything stuupid, referring to the "I don't think I can take anymore." comment. I honestly don't know why these things happen to good people. I've tried to figure it out myself but.... I don't know... all I know is, and I'm going to share this with you, so here goes: At least when you're down, the only place you can go is up. Imagine you on a string, you're on a downward swing right now. I bet in a bit of time, be it a month or whatever, you'll be back on the upward swing, you'll have accepted the deaths and you'll be over your boyfriend (unless you're back with him), or even have someone new. It'll all turn out right, even if it takes awhile. Just don't do anything stupid in the meantime, OK?

Well... where do I begin.. A few months ago, I went on a school trip, and this girl sort've stared to get close, seemingly, physically with me. At the time I was in a (seemingly) long term Internet relationship with someone (as well documented here , so if it was physical closeness, I didn't bite. However, that relationship broke down a month or two later, so... I 'drifted' for awhile and then I sorta started to notice that girl again, but was worried that if she was interested before, she may not be now. I look at her a lot, and she seems to look back quite a bit so, anyway... Last week, we went on this school trip together (again), and I haven't taken my eyes off her a lot, and she's looked back quite a bit. I bought her (and two of her friends as well) a drink, which she reacted as "Aww thankyou, that's so sweet with the same reaction to me hanging round with her when we had a shopping day when I said I'd buy my grandma something, I tried to hang around near her and talk to her properly though I was too shy, I wanted to give her a bag of chocolates too to 'break the ice' a little, and I couldn't do that because I was too shy, I've written a poem about her etc etc.. y'know... We haven't talked that much, but we're acquaintances, and I really want to get to know her, and ask her out, eventually. (Unless she has a boyfriend already, though I don't think she does). I'm just really so unsure as to where to go from here, I feel too shy to say anything to her about me liking her, or asking her out, or getting to know her better, or whatever, but I really want to very badly I just... don't know what to do or where to go from this point be honest. Which is why I posted this I guess, I need advice (again... again... again) Please..

I can't talk to her, all I get is her Voicemail on her phone.. Yes my friends know about her, her friends know about me. She said herself her feelings for me, they were exactly the same as me. "Now I know you, I need you.", "Life without you isn't worth living", and now she just flip-turns, and I can't understand.. you're right, I am lost in her, she's the most perfect person, nd my perfect partner, means more to me than life, and is so specia to me, more than anyone... And I can't let her go, we're special, I can't let go.

Posted 2 months ago I'd guess to give backstory "Well.... first off, where do I start. I didn't really know where to put this, as I consider it a LDR now, rather than a Cyber Relationship. Anyway... I'm 17. I met this girl over the Internet, probably 4 months ago, and she's 13. At first, we were extremely good friends. We were there for each other through each other's bad times. We swapped mobile phone numbers. At the time we had different people we were interested in. As time went on, we discovered we had a lot of things in common, to the point as to where we're almost the same person. We are very similar to each other. We discovered we had the same tastes in almost everything, we had the same ideals, it was really a meeting of the minds. We fell in love with each other, cast aside the other people we were interested in (we were never "with" these other people) and we both believe that we are soulmates and that we're going to be together forever. We've talked on the phone a lot (to the point where we spend nearly all our credit), and our relationship grows stronger everyday. Our love blossoms more all the time. She means more than anything to me, more than life, and I love her more than anything, and I always will. She feels the same way about me. I live in England and she lives in Ireland. In Summer, we're going to meet up (by which time she will be 14), I'm going over to Ireland to stay for a week perhaps. At least, that's the plan. The problem really is my parents. I wouldn't be able to go without telling my parents obviously. My parents.... aren't at all keen on the Internet for a start, they hardly know that I talk on MSN, etc etc. Secondly, my parents still think that I'm "with" a girl, who I haven't talked to for 3 months because things didn't work out well at all. I never was "with" her. I never told my parents about my problems with this other girl because I thought they'd be disappointed, they didn't ask etc. I really want to tell my parents about her (perhaps not the age difference yet), but I don't know how to. I wouldn't know where to start, since they keep asking about the other girl who I'm "with" and I just keep my mouth shut about it, as I wouldn't know what to say. I really wouldn't know where to start. They can be extremely ignorant and I'm scared they wouldn't let me go to meet her, and I don't want to let her down. I'm scared they'd cut off Internet and all my points of contact with her. Not they'd necessarily do that, but I am extremely worried about telling them. I really want to, but one, I wouldn't know how to, and two, I'm worried of the consequences." Since then I haven't told my parents, but now something cropped up, we believe we're soulmates and we love each other so much, do anything for each other. Sent Valentines cards and letters to each other, but today she sent me a text message telling me we couldn't talk anymore (Something to do with her parents she wouldn't or couldn't explain), we went back and forth I asked her if she was dumping me and she said ""i dont know if im 'dumping' you we'll see"... And I am so heartbroken, I'm so... I truly believe I can't live without her love, she is my soulmate, we're meant to be together and.. I don't want to lose her, I need her. Things were going so well and now... honestly, in all seriousness, I can't live if living is without her. I... beat myself up with the hell of a shoe accross the head and face and cut myself open on the forehead with a pair of scissors. I left a long voicemail message on her phone, crying and pleading and begging, but... I am so scared that I'm going to lose her, and I don't know what to do...

No I don't know any Elvidges, but it's nice you have relatives here. Still, if you haven't been to Bradford in ages it's changed Yeah, I am gonna tell them the truth about everything, but I just don't know how to. We don't often talk, and I don't know how to tell them, I'm so confused on that. How do I tell them?

Well.... first off, where do I start. I didn't really know where to put this, as I consider it a LDR now, rather than a Cyber Relationship. Anyway... I'm 17. I met this girl over the Internet, probably 4 months ago, and she's 13. At first, we were extremely good friends. We were there for each other through each other's bad times. We swapped mobile phone numbers. At the time we had different people we were interested in. As time went on, we discovered we had a lot of things in common, to the point as to where we're almost the same person. We are very similar to each other. We discovered we had the same tastes in almost everything, we had the same ideals, it was really a meeting of the minds. We fell in love with each other, cast aside the other people we were interested in (we were never "with" these other people) and we both believe that we are soulmates and that we're going to be together forever. We've talked on the phone a lot (to the point where we spend nearly all our credit), and our relationship grows stronger everyday. Our love blossoms more all the time. She means more than anything to me, more than life, and I love her more than anything, and I always will. She feels the same way about me. I live in England and she lives in Ireland. In Summer, we're going to meet up (by which time she will be 14), I'm going over to Ireland to stay for a week perhaps. At least, that's the plan. The problem really is my parents. I wouldn't be able to go without telling my parents obviously. My parents.... aren't at all keen on the Internet for a start, they hardly know that I talk on MSN, etc etc. Secondly, my parents still think that I'm "with" a girl, who I haven't talked to for 3 months because things didn't work out well at all. I never was "with" her. I never told my parents about my problems with this other girl because I thought they'd be disappointed, they didn't ask etc. I really want to tell my parents about her (perhaps not the age difference yet), but I don't know how to. I wouldn't know where to start, since they keep asking about the other girl who I'm "with" and I just keep my mouth shut about it, as I wouldn't know what to say. I really wouldn't know where to start. They can be extremely ignorant and I'm scared they wouldn't let me go to meet her, and I don't want to let her down. I'm scared they'd cut off Internet and all my points of contact with her. Not they'd necessarily do that, but I am extremely worried about telling them. I really want to, but one, I wouldn't know how to, and two, I'm worried of the consequences.

Well, I have got through my depression and I have to thank all you guys for it so thanks first of all And now comes the dilemma.... a bit complicated but... please, I need some advice. Right then, where to start... First off, I started school in September, and my school is joined with another school for joint A-Level Studies, which means I go up to another school for at least half the week (I think anyway...). It was the first day of term I had to go to this school, and there was this girl who was the first from that school to talk to me, or make the effort to know me. I thought nothing of it, cos y'know POLITENESS and everything. The next day, she came over and talked to me. Just pleasantries like "Hi, how are you?", stuff like that. Of course, in comes politeness and friendliness again obviously. Then the day after that, the day after that, the same thing. I thought nothing of it, she's just being friendly. I did start to fancy her though. Then last week, she told my mate (apparently) that she fancies me and thinks I'm "cute". And she does talk to me a lot, but I'm too shy to say anything past pleasantries I do want to talk more, but I just go all shy. The thing is, I don't know whether my mate was pranking cos I fancy her, or not. She does seem to talk to me a lot and smile and wave and stuff like that, but that could just be polite/friendliness. On the one hand, I don't know her all that well, and I want to get to know her better before anything else . On the other hand, I want to get there before anybody else (Which has almost always happened in my love life cos I've been too shy)