Jibralta

That kind of self-reinforcement is what got me thinking about this ex. I don't want to hijack this thread, though. I may post about it in my journal.

I think I dated a guy like this once. I don't know if he'd been "burned" by women expecting him to pay (I think he actually preferred to pay). But he definitely had a bug in his bonnet about something. I've thought about him lately, as I read more and more about men feeling slighted by women. It's interesting to look at him through this lens.

It doesn't sound to me like you committed any major offense. Why do you think you're having so much trouble forgiving yourself?

I'm sorry to say this, but I think you should focus all of your energy on moving on. Somebody like this will not make a good partner.

This is what I thought you meant. My opinion: if you feel more attracted, more connected, to the less-conventionally-attractive guy, continue in this direction. Maybe. But that's part of dating. Either option could be a crapshoot. Either could be a potential success. It's only been a few months. You're going to be making more decisions down the line, as you get to know him more.

No. You do you. Don't worry about perceived societal pressure.

All you have to do is tell her the truth!

This song is on loop in my head.

This person is a liar. They actually don't accept your apology. They won't put it in the past. They won't move on from it. They have proven that they lied. Why do you believe what they say?

We watched Big Trouble in Little China last night. Definitely one of my all-time favorites. The night before that, we watched Ip Man. That was a great movie. I'd heard of Ip Man because I studied Wing Chun. But aside from him being Bruce Lee's teacher, I didn't know much about his story. It was really cool.

Same here. If the response is time-critical, it's a different story. But if it's just back-and-forth banter, I don't see a reason to impose a time-window for responding. I don't know what 'reply buddies' are, but I wouldn't impose a time-window on that, either.

I think it means he never cared about you. I don't think he'll ever 'come around' to caring. It's not you; it's him.

The boat doesn't have to capsize. You just have to lean over the side 🙂

Not true. Some people need to run through a whole gamut of experiences before coming to a conclusion about their behavior. That's not a fool; that's a person who suspends their judgment until they collect enough evidence to make a decision. Now, there's this absolutely ridiculous quote that's been around for years, "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.” It's usually attributed to Einstein, I guess so that nobody ever questions it. I think that saying is a load of crap. Even eighth graders know that the Scientific Method demands that you test your hypothesis several times through experimentation to confirm your results. You can't just expect the same thing is going to happen over and over again. Can you imagine if the FDA tested drugs that way? We ran the experiment on one person and it was fine. Why would we do the same thing over and over again. We're not insane. Anyway, what I'm saying is that it often takes time to recognize that you might be making a mistake, and then it takes even more time to stop making that mistake. For example, you minimized the situation in 2018 , you minimized it again in 2019, you minimized it again in 2020, again in 2021, and finally proof in 2022.... but you're still here well into 2023. He's been unfaithful, lied to your face repeatedly, made you feel insane, but you're still on the fence about leaving. I think that's because you're trying to understand the situation. I think that a couple years down the line, you will probably look back on all of this and see that you've made the same mistake over and over again--minimizing. And that you wasted a lot of time minimizing. The first time, you were naïve. But what about the second, third, fourth, and fifth times? I don't know what your excuse would be for not learning after (at least) four more repeats of the same behavior. Frankly, I don't see any reason to make an excuse at all. These things happen. Live and learn. C'est la vie. What matters is that you don't make things even harder for yourself by calling yourself a "fool" for not learning the first time. Just make sure you do learn and that you move on to better things.

Bump? That's the understatement of the year. Or did you mean to say "bomb," which is the more appropriate categorization? No. "Better" is just an act that he maintains until you stop complaining. The only thing that bugs me is the male friend who is acting as a confidant. It's your life, but if you're looking to monkey branch your way out of this relationship, I think it's a bad idea. I don't expect you to admit to the monkey-branch thing; you have a hard enough time admitting to the actual state of your marriage (remember 'bump'?). Just keep in mind that monkey branching is not going to help you. It'll just make muddy waters even muddier. But maybe that's what you want. We all have our preferences.

Maybe you need something to worry about! Or you feel like you need something to worry about. So when everything in your life is going well, and you have nothing specific to worry about, your anxiety can't focus and becomes a free-floating cloud all around you.

Well, that sucks. But I know you're right. It's surprising how many people with addictions and disorders become therapists. They assume a position of authority to disguise their addiction/disorder. Unfortunately, many people do not question authority. People simplistically think that because someone has a certain occupation, they are free from certain defects. But subpar, mediocre, and terrible people exist in every occupation (they're not just blue collar workers, you judgers!). They are (gasp) medical doctors, lawyers, accountants, teachers, psychiatrists, therapists, biologists, etc. Whenever I see someone on here say "get therapy," or "why haven't you gotten therapy yet?" I just want to smack them upside their heads. Sometimes talking to a friend--or to strangers on a forum--is better than talking to a therapist. Therapists aren't gods. I am a big supporter of therapy, too. I have embraced it and benefitted from it greatly. But I know how hard it is to find the right therapist. You just can't settle. It would suck for you to lose your good therapist over a stupid person. Still keep the video, though. You never know--you may be able to use it to help someone else who has a run-in with this person.

You should send them the video you took. This made me laugh. I don't know if you've ever watched Seinfeld, but your statement reminded me of this episode. I misremembered it, though. I thought it was a "jerk machine" storyline (tanning beds!). But the storyline was "jerk store."

That's what I was thinking. Do you have a washer/dryer in your home, or do you need to use an outside facility?

That is awesome! Well, don't spend too much time, effort, or money on people who are indifferent to it. Send a store-bought greeting card, instead! Or don't send anything at all. Focus on things that bring you happiness, not sadness. Your relatives will be ok without cards and gifts!

It was similar with me growing up. My mom didn't pencil the lines in for us, but my sister and I had to sit at the table and write thank you notes when we got presents. We had to address the envelopes, too. I didn't enjoy it, especially after Christmas and birthdays when it was practically my mom's whole phone book. But I'm glad she gave us this habit. I think it helped teach us to take a moment to recognize and appreciate generosity. And I think it's very important to show gratitude, and for other people to know that they made me feel grateful. I still write thank you notes to this day. If someone doesn't send me a thank you note, I can't say that I get mad about it. But I do wonder what it's like to be somebody like that. Ha. That made me laugh. It probably is a 17th century custom--like calling cards and dance cards!

My biological aunt homeschooled her four children. They all seem extremely well-rounded. Very, very, religious, though. The eldest daughter now has six kids, all of whom she homeschools. There's a whole support system for it.

Anyone? I don't know about that. Who would actually ask to have a liar for a boyfriend?

Not if you insist on believing the "Three Loves Theory!" I really hope you abandon that idea--You're setting yourself up for failure before you even begin!

Awesome.