Jibralta

I'm sorry. I don't mean to make you feel worse. I've just seen this sort of cowardly behavior before, with one of my sister's boyfriends. She was blindsided when he broke up with her so abruptly, but I knew exactly why he did it--I had overheard something about him the night before and he was afraid I'd tell her. There's never not a reason for something like that.

Hmmmm.... I wonder if she didn't 'support' him for the same reasons that have caused you to find it impossible? Something I learned when I was dating was to avoid guys who badmouthed or blamed their exes. They invariably tried to manipulate me with guilt trips or through comparison with their so-called 'evil' exes. I know it's a little late for you to run the other way, but keep in mind that some people avoid taking responsibility for their own actions by pinning the blame on other people. With him, it's too much heat or too much cold or too much walking or too much driving or too much standing. You're remembering the story with the ex because you don't want him to blame you for this relationship not working out--just as he blamed his ex. But you have to absolve yourself of that guilt. Think about her side of things, now that you find yourself struggling to support him. How can you possibly support someone who blames everything else but himself for giving up?

Listen to him!! When someone tells you that he is bad, BELIEVE him. You know what I think happened? He hooked up with someone else. It might have been the girl he brought to the sauna. It might have been a completely different person. But after you spent that awesome day together, I think he went from your arms straight into someone else's. Why? Because he's self-destructive. When something good comes along, he shoots it out of the sky. This is someone to avoid!! You are beating yourself up. I agree with wiseman: this is a character thing, not a race thing!

For me, it can go either way, and I just have to be aware of what is working and if/when it stops working. Writing has often helped me process through challenges, but sometimes I go through things and I don't feel a need to write about them at all. Or, sometimes writing (or talking) is initially helpful, but then stops being helpful.

I agree. I think these red flags (lovebombing and oversharing) are more of a character issue than a circumstance issue. I don't think they will go away because they are both the result of messy boundaries.

I feel similarly. I didn't seriously consider settling down when I was younger. I enjoyed the adventure of having a crush, but found that after a certain point I'd feel stifled and want solitude. As I got into my 30s, my preferences changed. The dating process became tiresome, no longer worth the thrill of falling in love. I agree. I know quite a few people in my old apartment building who were solitary. They were perfectly nice, normal people. They just didn't have a partner.

I think it's fine to be the way that you are. We all have preferences, plain and simple.

You may be right. If I were in your shoes, I might have the same worries. Difficult position to be in.

If he's this way when he's 50 years old, he will always be this way.

I disagree. Some people lack the self-awareness to recognize that they are being manipulative. Sometimes it's the result of a personality disorder. Sometimes it's the result of their upbringing and to them it is normal behavior. Sometimes people are in denial about it--white lies, omitting facts, passive aggressive behavior, silent treatment, etc... the list goes on and on. It's not even remotely victim blaming. If you want to do better next time, you should be asking yourself what you could have done better. Hard truth: Nobody is responsible for you but you.

I'm glad you're starting to chip away at that pedestal you've put him on. You want more than an attractive façade. That's not difficult to find. It's just not going to be handed to you on a platter. You need to develop the skill and patience to weed out the ones whose good qualities are only skin-deep. Yes, you were misled and manipulated, but that doesn't necessarily mean that he consciously set out to trick you and that it's all his fault. Just like you've been lazy in your selection process, he may have been lazy in his communication process. Take note of how you feel right now, so that you don't let it happen again in the future!

Nostalgia is whitewashing a lot of the negative qualities that this guy had. Don't forget, this is the guy that sent you a text of him jacking off and didn't make time for you--particularly after you shared a sexual experience. He put effort in until he got what he wanted, then he stopped making an effort. You felt used! The sadness and nostalgia that you feel is very common following a break up, and it's easy to fall into the belief that you've lost something great. But in reality, he was kind of a dck. There are way better guys out there. Don't worry.

I think you are correct. He doesn't value your relationship.

No need to move him in. Simply don't gossip, say horrible things, or make snide comments about his situation and you will show yourself to be a true friend.

You are starting to cheat right here. It doesn't matter whether it's 'crossed your mind to cheat.' You're doing it. I don't know how. Maybe it will take a few weeks to figure that out. But you need to break it off with your gf because you aren't committed to her. It's not fair to her to pretend that you are just for your own comfort.

You should go. Their business is definitely not finished. It doesn't matter what excuses he gives, whether he admits he is attracted to her or not, etc.

I think that moving away (unfair though it is) is a great start. Anything you can do to put distance between yourself, her, and all the other people who took her side, will help. Forget them. Focus on the future, and on the creation of better relationships with better people.

You guys are already bickering!!

This is not a good sign, in my opinion. There is usually some truth in humor. She may have a very bitter attitude towards romantic relationships and sex.

((((((((((((HUG)))))))))))))

If you want to date him, I strongly suggest you get a different financial advisor.

Yes. It is individual and unique to each relationship. I see it as a gesture of trust on my part: My personal stuff is an open book to him. If my boyfriend wanted to read my journals, he's allowed (I won't apologize if he gets upset though lol). When I first joined this site years ago, I accidentally left the webpage open on our shared computer. When he saw it, he called me at work and asked, "Why are you posting on a site called 'enotalone?'" I totally understood how that looked bad and why he was upset. I explained what I was posting and why. I sent him my login info, so that he could see for himself. He didn't use it. But I wouldn't have cared if he did. If something upsets him, I want to know. I want to talk it out or at least try. When we first started dating, he gave me the key to his apartment and said, "Come over any time you want. Surprise me." Granted, we knew each other for 20 years before we started dating, but it's that same theme: "I'm an open book. Go ahead and read me." Why are we both like this? I have no idea. Maybe it's because we're both the product of divorce? Maybe because we've had the same mutual friends for so long that it feels natural to trust each other? We both grew up in the same town--maybe it's in the water lol.

I don't think I would be be offended. But even if I was, I'd want to keep the lines of communication open. If there's an issue that needs to be addressed, I want to be able to listen to what he says and talk about it. He feels the same way as I do about this.