Jibralta

Let's pretend that you actually do possess the power to hit the Reset button and make his past irrelevant. How many times do you plan to hit that button for him? Are you going to erase his past every time: you're disappointed by his lack of affection towards you? he neglects to spend time with you? he chooses not to communicate with you? he proves that he doesn't want to make things better? he blames you for his unhappiness? you catch him secretly talking to others? he makes you uncomfortable? you switch jobs and turn your life upside down to make him happy? What you've actually done is turn a blind eye to your boyfriend's past. And you're turning a blind eye to his present. And your own. Stop doing that. Pay attention.

That's such a great movie. Yes, it would be censored now lol!

You would think that would encourage more testing! But apparently the test isn't very accurate and results in a lot of false positives.

I guess you'll find out one way or another! It sucks when people misrepresent themselves like that. But I think a big clue is when they are reluctant to meet. It doesn't necessarily mean that they don't look like their pictures, but it usually means that something is off.

Another thing: I made a habit of getting screened for STDs before becoming sexually active with someone. I made him do it, too. The last time I got screened was about 10 years ago. That was the first time I was told that they weren't going to do a screening for herpes. I asked why, and the doctor told me that they stopped screening for herpes unless someone is showing symptoms. She said that most people that have herpes are asymptomatic and that if you don't have symptoms, the tests are unreliable. I just googled it and it's true: https://www.cdc.gov/std/herpes/screening.htm I think this is why we felt comfortable believing that herpes couldn't be transmitted if there were no symptoms. I can almost remember a teacher saying that if there are no sores, the virus has no way to be transmitted. The doctor also said that most people have herpes and don't even know it (yikes!). I don't know if that's true or not, but I do know that if you've ever gotten a cold sore, you have a form of herpes. Herpes Simplex 2 is the one associated with STDs, but I think you can get either version anywhere.

In defense of your girlfriend, I was also under the same impression--that herpes isn't transmittable unless you have symptoms. I don't know how old you guys are, but that's what they taught us in Sex Eed. For me, that was the 1990s--I went to a good high school, too. At that time, it was a Blue Ribbon school that was ranked second in the U.S. So, l they weren't teaching crap. However, I just googled it and (unfortunately) what I learned is wrong--you can be infected by a person without symptoms. Incidentally, the school also taught us that condoms with nonoxynol‑9 are 98% effective in preventing HIV transmission--also untrue. Nonoxynol‑9 actually damages tissue and makes you more vulnerable to HIV! But we were taught the opposite, and that's what we believed for a long time! My point is, there's misinformation and disinformation everywhere. It really could have been an honest mistake on her part. That's why it's so important to talk about STDs before you reach that level of physical intimacy. You know your girlfriend best. Is she a good person? Has this relationship been a good experience up to this point? If yes, then why take that away from her now? Why cast her as the villain when you both could have asked these questions up front? One of my close friends contracted herpes when we were still teenagers. Like your girlfriend, she waited to inform her partners until she felt comfortable doing so. She had the same understanding as your girlfriend, that it's not contagious if there are no symptoms. I know it was tough for her because she talked to me about it. It's a tough situation to be in, especially when you are so young. But she got through it. She's been married now for 15 years, has three kids. Her husband knows, of course.

Speaking of the kind of memories that can be cringeworthy for one person but not for the other person: I remember a situation from when I was 17 or 18 that had to have resulted in embarrassment for the guy involved. But it had the opposite effect on me. The guy's name was George. I hardly knew him--he was friends with the older brother of one of my friends. I'd hung out with him a couple of times, but always with a lot of other people. I honestly don't think we ever exchanged two words between us. I didn't think he even knew that I was alive. At the time, I was dating a guy named Steve.* One day, Steve and I were in my mom's basement when the doorbell rang. I heard my mom say, "She's downstairs." And down the stairs came George! When he saw me and Steve sitting on the couch, he was totally surprised. I was surprised. Steve was surprised. I said, "Hi George," and tried to make him feel welcome, but he apologized and left. I don't think I ever saw George after that. Like, never. I'm guessing he showed up at my house like that because he liked me. I don't know what he had in mind. Maybe he was going to ask me out? I wished that he did, even as I was sitting on the couch with Steve lol. I was just so impressed by his boldness. I can only imagine that that was pretty embarrassing for George. If I were in his shoes I would have been completely mortified. For him, this is a memory that he'd probably rather forget--perhaps he's managed to! But for me, it's a good memory. I cringe a little for him, out of sympathy. But I give him a lot of credit even to this day. He has no idea, of course 😄 _____________________ *Speaking of that thread about attraction and chemistry vs healthy relationship and self-awareness: Steve was someone I dated purely for looks! He was nice enough, but we had nothing in common. Needless to say, that relationship did not last terribly long.

It's probably a fond memory for him, then. Even if his girlfriend wasn't too thrilled about it.

In that case, probably not. At least not now. When I was younger, I would have been more open to it because most of my break ups were amicable. But the older I get, the more I suspect that 'amicable' was often a disguise for ulterior motives.

I feel the same way.

Would you date someone who is friend with their ex? Probably not. For me to even consider it, I would have to have known them and their ex for years, know what their relationship was like, how it ended, what kind of people they both were. And they'd have to have been spilt up for a really long time. And if all of those conditions were met, I probably still wouldn't date them because it would mean that both of them were my friends. And (unless you're a teenager) it's a little weird to date your friend's ex. Even if you are a teenager, it's frowned upon. My answer would be different if I were in my teens or early 20s.

The good news is, your initial gut feeling about him was correct. I wonder what made you ignore it?

I was (am) similar. Not that 10/10 guys can't be stable. Of course they can. But I have dated for looks alone and it's unrewarding. I need more than that.

Actually, even if you totally misinterpreted the situation and inadvertently hit on an innocent man, he probably doesn't remember it as unpleasant. I mean, maybe you did blow up his relationship (haha), but the flirtation is probably a pleasant memory for him (unless you were creepy about liking him, which I highly doubt!)

Oh, I have those kinds of memories too.... 😅 Well, maybe you did her a favor!

Oh yes it will. Whichever way it goes, you will be free of an abuser. That's a major win.

Yesterday, I had this flash of memory from back when I was 16 or 17: I was walking back to my seat in history class when this guy I had a HUGE crush on said, "Pssst," to get my attention. I looked up and he pointed to my shoe--there was a strip of toilet paper stuck to it! I waved thanks and pulled it off with my foot. Once back at my seat, I looked back at him and he mouthed, "At least it wasn't stuck in your pants!" I smiled and nodded in agreement, then turned back to my notebook, elated. I wasn't embarrassed at all. Truth be told, I would have covered myself in strips toilet paper if it meant that he and I could banter back and forth some more. I used to have the most intense crushes on people. In retrospect, I think I was addicted to having a crush. When this Fergie song came out in 2006, I completely related to it. I was practically 30 and still in love with being 'in love.' But within a few years, I did finally grow tired of that roller coaster (or maybe 'merry-go-round' is a more apt description!).

Just checking. I saw he had a son--had to ask.

Is he married?

If someone isn't smart enough to see that you're not a 'low-value guy,' I say good riddance. Why waste your time trying to convince an idiot? You'll get stuck with an idiot.

I think it's time to outgrow this friendship. It's for kids and/or immature adults. Also, I think you should end your relationship with your girlfriend.

Be careful not to let your boyfriend and his family come between you and your own family. If, down the line, something goes wrong in your relationship with him and/or his family, it will leave you isolated from your own support system.

Personally, I wouldn't chase this. He is so flaky so early on.

Oh wow. They filtered that lol.

You're following in the illustrious footprints of Vincent Van Goh, Emily ***enson, Franz Kafka, Edgar Allen Poe, Johannes Vermeer, and many others. In the immortal words of another little-known artist: You're Famous When You're Dead, Edited to add: I remember this being a lot harder. It's so tame now!! Some hard stuff doesn't age well, I guess.