Jibralta

Pound for pound, I think she's the bigger ***. But is this really important? I know you don't want anyone to analyze the critical piece of evidence where you've made a 14-year choice to put up with fair-weather fatherhood, dismal partnership, infidelity, betrayal, and a polyamorous relationship that made you feel like a sick and terrified piece of garbage. But your complicity in this ongoing shtshow is the only reason why you're sitting here asking yourself if your a/an ***, instead of enjoying life as a self-assured, proud and happy mother and wife. Her being a bigger *** than you doesn't fix any of this. You have to cut these people out of your life--both her and your 'boyfriend'--or they're just going to continue to drag you down into hell. They're pigs. Mistakes happen. We all make them. Time to acknowledge that your continued acceptance of this ugly situation has ben a 14-year mistake. Oops. Dust yourself off, forgive yourself, cut these creeps out and move on before your 14-year mistake becomes a 30-year mistake, or a 50-year mistake.

I'd go for it. I'd ask for the extra week, too. I've not taken the 'decompression week' in the past and regretted it. But I wouldn't tell the new employer that it was to decompress. I'd just say that my current company asked me to stay on a little bit longer to tie up some loose ends.

Wow, this is so surprising! And how dismal!

I went horseback riding last Sunday. After my ride, I had the horse, Prim, on crossties to untack and brush her. Two little girls were running around the stable, and one paused by Prim with a stuffed rainbow unicorn horn in her hand. "You're going to be a unicorn," she told Prim (who happens to be a white horse). She reached up towards Prim's face to put the horn on her head. Prim wanted nothing to do with the horn, and lifted her head high and away in response. That surprised me, because she wasn't a very skittish horse. "Here," I said to the little girl, "Let's see if we can convince her to be a unicorn." I took the horn and brought it towards Prim's face. As before, she shield away. I coaxed Prim until she let me bring the horn close to her nose, where she could smell it. Then I was able to put it on top of her nose. "Well," I said to the little girl, "she's agreed to become a rhinoceros!" It didn't take very long at all before I was able to slide the horn up to the center of Prim's forehead and make her a unicorn.

I understand. I guess I just feel like I'm a very giving, caring person. I love doing for others. Can you be caring and giving without keeping score?

Guy Winch makes a very similar point to yours and explains that some of the 'stigma' has to do with the intangible nature of psychology. A physical wound can be observed with our eyes. But a psychological wound is invisible to the eye and observation of it is also intangible. My own personal observation is that people on forums don't listen to others as much as they used to. There's a lot of reaction, but very little thought goes into it. I think that's the root of bias. The tricky thing about bias (and prejudice) is that biased people don't believe they are biased. It's a form of stupidity. Stupidity is a choice. It's what happens when you stop thinking.

I'm sorry to hear that. Loneliness is a very difficult thing to deal with. Don't take this the wrong way, but I notice that you share a lot of the same judgmental tendencies and rigid beliefs as a lot of the men that visit this site and post about their own loneliness. I think that's what's killing you (and them). I can't give you advice on how to stop, but I think you must stop if you don't want to be lonely. You're actually setting yourself apart from others by being this way. You're making yourself lonely.

It's the person with the iphone 27!

I don't think there are any rules or "best practices" (lol) for contacting an ex. It's totally up to you!

He should give you space.... But how much space are you planning to take? It's been over a week. Are you planning to make a decision any time soon? Or is this just going to be a long, drawn-out, repetitive cycle of you demanding time, him ignoring what you want, and you complaining about it but never actually taking action (rinse, repeat)? My personal advice: Put an end to this thing with him and get on with your life.

Nothing worth doing is easy.

He sounds interested. No telling about his intentions, though. Might be good, might be bad *shrug*

Do you mean a Second Amendment? 😁😉 The First Amendment is nice and all... but it doesn't give anyone the right to bear arms!

Great videos from my childhood. Great songs, too. But the videos.... man. Jeffrey Tambor.... god, he is funny. And all the cameos and the play on the cameos... really charming. And Paul McCartney manages to hold his own next to Michael Jackson, who dances and sings like he is water! Paul's not trying to compete (fortunately), he just does a solid job with his own part.

If it's preventing you from moving forward, it's no longer a healthy level of curiosity.

You weren't the one in charge of that. She was.

To you, it's just the common cold. To her, it's a matter of personal hygiene. Or maybe it's a matter of personal space (as in, she needs more of it). Matters of hygiene and personal space are quite..... personal. Maybe the problem she has with the distance that's between you is that it's decreasing...

I wouldn't want to reinvest in an untrusting relationship that I did not feel secure in financially, either. Should anyone?

I'd say that's definitely game over. Sorry.

I don't think anything is wrong with you. I think your poor self esteem is creating a lot of unnecessary interference for you. It seems like a simple problem to solve (just build confidence, duh!), but it's really very tricky. What do you do when your poor self esteem causes you to second-guess yourself, behave awkwardly, and alienate other people? It's an ingrained, subconscious habit that is tough to break. The interesting thing about this is that when you second-guess yourself, you actually alienate yourself from yourself. So you don't even know who you are, and of course everyone else feels weird and alienated around you. You react without thinking. So, my recommendation is that for each new experience and introduction, pause for a beat. Don't just automatically react. Make it a new habit to take a moment, to take your time. It won't be long before you start to develop a sense of yourself and what you want. Once that starts to happen, your communication and interaction will flow more naturally and these problems will disappear.

I finished The Mirror and the Light last night, the last book in a great trilogy of historical fiction. The books tell the tale of Thomas Cromwell, one of the chief councilors to Henry VIII. I've seen this series referred to as a 'sympathetic portrayal' of Cromwell. Apparently, history has cast him as a villain. Before reading these books, I had no idea who Thomas Cromwell was, let alone whether he was a 'good guy' or a 'bad guy.' I love the fact that Hilary Mantel took the same facts and managed to tell a different side of the story--like what Wicked did for the Wicked Witch of the West. I love when people do that for people. Explore. Ask questions. See both sides of the story. Hilary Mantel said, "As soon as we die, we enter into fiction....Once we can no longer speak for ourselves, we are interpreted." That interpretation can be by historians or by historical novelists. I like that this is the story that I learned about him, instead of 'history.'

Maybe you should just stop talking to him.

Live and learn, right? Don't beat yourself up about it. That's good of you. 👍

I'm really sorry it turned out this way. But I could see it coming a mile a way. That's just plain wrong. She told you in the very beginning that she didn't see a future in this. You really should have taken her at her word. But instead you chalked it up to everything from hormone changes to her not knowing her own mind and being frightened of her own feelings. I wonder why you had such a difficult time taking her at face value? She was completely above board and up front with you. Speaking from my own experience: My guess it's the opposite. She's not catching feelings and isn't going to catch feelings. She likes you as a person and as a man, but she doesn't want this to go beyond friendship. I think her making you breakfast was a gesture of appreciation and gratitude that you are down with that. She's affectionate and cuddly towards you because she's an affectionate and cuddly person. Now that she's announced up front that she has no romantic intentions toward you, she feels she can be as affectionate and flirty as she wants because you know better than to allow yourself to interpret it as more than it is.

Yeah. I think he always planned to leave. I don't necessarily think you're irrational, but you are obviously self-conscious about the trauma you've suffered. Which is completely understandable.