pastoralcucumbers

As soon as I realized I was sick, I left so as not to put her at risk, and by her own admission she didn’t realize I was Ill and just thought I was normally like that. In terms of personal space, she was the one that asked me to come a day earlier and planned our entire schedule, while I was the one that insisted on leaving a day early because I felt unwell and on not talking until I was back in town. If you’re suggesting the problem is that she just realized she ultimately didn’t like me in person, there’s nothing I can do about that. However, our past interactions, similar issues in my previous relationships, and the fact that we both recognized that I was acting off suggests there’s more going on here, so I’m going to explore that possibility in a professional setting and if that doesn’t yield any results then it is what it is.

Something like that - kind of like I tried acting my way through a fight or flight response

Thank you to all who responded to this thread. Having spent the past week reflecting, I think ultimately the bigger issue isn’t so much her reaction as it is mine. I think when I started to feel off, my brain went into panic mode for fear that it would ruin the weekend, and my anxiety and stress took over. This is not the first time something like this has happened, and I’ve found that ever since a severely traumatic breakup several years ago, I’ve been unable to appropriately handle/respond to what would normally be nonissues in a developing relationship, eg getting the sniffles. I’ve decided to enter therapy to try to work through any related issues, and I’m meeting with a psychiatrist tomorrow to address any underlying, contributing anxiety disorders to the extent they exist. I have not yet decided how or when I will reach out to her but would like to try reconnecting at some point in the future.

We're all doing the best we can based on the experiences we've had. I've never really been in a long distance relationship before, especially not one that began long distance. I promise you, I am devastated. Had I understood at the time what you just described above, I would have seriously pumped the brakes and tempered expectations, e.g. toned down the discourse and shortened my visit or even put things on hold until I was boots on the ground.

I think it definitely did backfire. It wasn't deliberate. I think both of us were very excited and had such a great time on the first date and in the hours we spent communicating since then that we built it up in our heads. I think those unrealistic expectations so early on coupled with my illness combined to create a perfect storm.

What do you mean?

That's definitely possible. The thing is, leading into this past weekend, our chemistry and communication was the best I've ever experienced, and she shared that sentiment on multiple occasions. It felt like I had found someone who I clicked with and adored me, and by all accounts that seemed to be true. There were no indications before this of any incompatibility, just the opposite. The events of this past weekend were a total 180.

Again, it's not that I acted badly (I regret using the term "bad behavior" above). By her own admission and my own recollection of what happened, it's more like I was just being aloof. We had built up this expectation of an intimate, romantic weekend together. However, when the weekend finally arrived, I came across as distant, tense, anxious, and awkward, most likely because my brain and body were trying to multitask being sick and being with her.

The visit was originally intended to just be for a couple days - Friday evening to Sunday morning. She relayed beforehand how stressed the distance was making her, even though I would be moving there in the near future. To help, I offered to fly in a day early and extend my visit the following month. This solution made her happy, but, in hindsight, it didn't help for two reasons: (1) by Friday afternoon I would have realized I was sick and probably would have cancelled my flight, and (2) it masked a bigger problem - the anxiety and pressure created by a fast moving, long distance relationship. I genuinely think that had I been feeling well, I would have been able to ease some of her concerns by just being my normal, fun, relaxed self. I think my anxiety fed into whatever anxiety she was already feeling, creating a positive feedback loop. Ultimately, however, it may not have done much to change the outcome, as we would still be long distance for at least a few more months, during which time things could have come to a head for a different reason. Hopefully, the damage isn't so great that I can't try to salvage things when I move. The question is, what communication, if any, should I initiate before then? Most of the responses above seem to suggest that I should hold off until I fully relocate.

Would you say I should reach out when I'm in town looking at apartments next month or hold off until I'm fully moved and settled in a few months? When she and I spoke after I got back, she mentioned grabbing coffee the next time I'm in town to see if we could try again with a clean slate. However, I'm reluctant to reach out so soon because if the experience turned her raw, one month does not seem like enough time for us to be able to look back and laugh about it. I'm not in a place where I feel can laugh about it. Inasmuch as I would like to start over fresh in a month, she made some comments over the weekend that rubbed me the wrong way, including that maybe I could find someone in my current city. When I say she seemed put off, I mean a complete emotional 180. Even if someone assumes that the anxiousness I experienced as a result of the cold/cold meds was my actual emotional baseline, that comment was disrespectful and condescending, and I am going back and forth over whether that should be a non-starter for me.

Thanks, Cherylyn. I think that's probably the best way to go about it.

I understand wanting to limit contact before I'm back next month. I was the one that suggested it and she agreed. From her perspective, the me that she saw on date #1 and in our long-distance communications since then was the manicured version, while this past weekend was the real version. Even if I think that's not the case, she doesn't know me well enough to believe otherwise. Personally, I've had the wool pulled over my eyes more than a few times. If we were to continue talking as we had been, it wouldn't do anything to disprove that skepticism or ease that concern.

It's funny, I actually have a family friend with a similar story. They had only been on a few dates when she got a bad case of appendicitis. He took her to the hospital and stayed there all night while she was having surgery and recovering. She says that was the moment she knew he was the one. In this case, I was getting progressively sicker as the weekend went on. For most of that time, I don't think it was clear to her that I was sick / hopped up on cold meds. As soon as I realized what was happening, I left so that I wouldn't risk exposing her anymore than I already had. However, by that time, we had already spent hours and hours together.

Thanks, Jaunty. I'm not aware of any specific things other than acting anxious. We discussed it at length while I was there - it wasn't anything specific, more like awkward energy. The best way I can describe it is like I was pretending to be fine and the result just came off as tense and kind of strange. I think she was already a little bit anxious and I wasn't in a position mentally because of the illness and the meds to assuage that anxiety - those things can make you feel WEIRD. Your timeline is mostly right - the first date was just one day. Just to be clear, I'm not moving there for her. The move has been planned for about 8 months now. I think you're right in that it probably is a lot of pressure for this early on. I agree about the value of "normal" dates early on. I think part of the problem, which I now realize was a mistake, is that I felt the need to keep going even though I wasn't feeling great because I was just there for the weekend; under normal circumstances I would have just cancelled and not risked it, but I didn't want to offend her by cancelling when I was already there.

Possibly... in the moment it felt like the lack of interest was coming from her end. At the very least, I wasn't planning to reach out until I'm back to 100%.