basscheck

I don't disagree. I've had to disclose once when I had something temporary so I just always assumed people would do the same. Seems like that's not the case here though. I've had a number of partners through short lived relationships over the years and not once has either party brought up STDs which I now find odd. Not sure what other people's experiences are in this category. I did ask her if she would have told me if I had asked about her status and she said yes. I don't think she would have lied about it at the time. She was open about another life long disease she has that's not contagious so it seems like that would have been a good time to have dropped this as well

I've seen how people can be a drain on other people like this. Sometimes it's easier to stay together, but I feel like in the long run you'll be better off leaving as it gets harder to leave mentally as time goes on. It may be worth bringing up the topic of a divorce and voicing your reasoning. Perhaps he just needs the shock to get things back in order. Couples counseling could be another option as well. The sending other women money thing feels like the biggest deal breaker of all to me. I hope you can find peace in whatever path you choose

Honestly I think it's a pretty big life decision for me and not something that I would freak out over. I definitely have invested a good chunk of time in this relationship, but it's hard to say if I would have, had I known upfront. Alternate realities are hard to predict I suppose. Outside of this event I do truly believe she would make a good life partner for me which is the thing that hurts the most. My test results came back negative today so at some point I need to make a decision in all of this. She's been very patient with me and understands my point of view. I change my mind on things every few hours it feels. Love hurts as they say

In my experience it is almost always is better to just suggest a single date/time. Women on average like a man who knows what they want and can be decisive. If they can't make it or don't like the idea they'll usually tell you and you can work out an alternative. For first dates suggest something with an easy out such as drinks, ice cream, or a walk in the park.

Appreciate you sharing the story! It seems crazy to me how many doctors don't really care about it/are uninformed about it

Yea totally agree. For now we're just talking here and there until I get my tests results back. I think I'll have a better idea of how I feel long term once I have that knowledge

My doctor said that he only typically prescribes them to patients with 3-5+ outbreaks per year. Didn't really follow up any more than that though. A lot of people in the medical community don't really see herpes as a big deal. It's more the stigma around it. While I don't necessarily disagree, I'd also like to not have genital sores if I can avoid them

Your comment is basically all the thoughts going through my mind the past week. It's definitely a decision I'll have to make for the rest of my life either way so I don't want to rush in to it and she's been very understanding of that. Yea the antivirals are an absolute requirement for me should things proceed and I'm negative. She's currently only taking them during outbreaks which my doctor tells me is pretty normal for people with infrequent outbreaks.

@Jibralta appreciate the anecdotes. I'm planning to get tested soon so that I can understand where I'm at. Given that I've never had a herpes test it would be good to know. Perhaps I've just been asymptomatic all these years. Fwiw even with no sores you can still asymptomatically shed and infect people. It's probably the most common way people get it since a lot of people don't know they have it because it's never tested for.

You ask some great questions. I'm not really sure how I feel about contracting herpes. If the relationship lasts for life then it's not really a huge deal. If not, then I do think it would be harder to have relationships in the future which would be a major impact to my life. I am definitely bothered by the fact that I wasn't told upfront. When we first talked about it she said she didn't plan to disclose it to her future partners because she felt condoms were enough to keep us safe. After talking with her about removing my ability to consent to the risk, she thought on it for awhile and came back with a heartfelt apology and promising she'd never do it again. I feel like it's possible to trust here again, but it's really hard to predict the future

My girlfriend and I have been dating for about a year now and she just disclosed she's had genital herpes the whole time. Only disclosed because she was having an outbreak and didn't want to infect me. We've always used condoms (except for oral) and unfortunately hadn't talked about our sexual statuses before this. I would have expected to have been told before we ever had sex about this, but she was under the impression she only had to bring it up when an outbreak was going on to stay safe. Other than this, things were going great. Not really sure what to do from here. I'm a mixed bag of emotions right now