Jibralta

Do you think you will always be chasing? Maybe you like the chase.

^I never finished that movie. Forgot all about it, actually. That's good 🙂 I've just watched a documentary on Max about Hillsong Church. It was really interesting. At this point, the story is not as sordid a tale as NXIVM, but seems like it could easily sink to that level if they maintain their current leadership model. The ingredients are all there. I find it interesting because where I live in the US, we have always been sheltered from religion, evangelism in particular. Until very recently, you didn't hit bible stations on TV or the radio until you were 200 or 300+ miles south, west, or north of here. In certain of those areas, they were (probably still are) the only thing on the radio. On long drives through religious lands, we do sometimes listen a little bit to the religious broadcast, just to get a flavor of what's being said. But generally, the tapes and CDs go in and don't come back out until we are back within our normal operating radius. (More recently, it is MP3s, XM, Spotify, and/or Pandora that carry us through). Anyway, back to what I find interesting: In the last five to ten years or so, one or two bible stations has made it onto our local mainstream airwaves. Their music sounds a lot like the other music that is on the radio, and it is often better. I was very surprised the first time I realized I was listening to a religious broadcast. I turned it off immediately. I'll be whatever you want, just do and think whatever I say.... No thanks. The music isn't that good. From this documentary I learned that it has been Hillsong-esque music that I've been hearing on the airwaves. This catchy, chameleonlike music has been a huge part of the church's appeal. Not surprising. Probably the most valuable takeaway for me is that the 'fallen' leaders of these types of organizations don't lose their following. There is always a sympathetic ear for them. So, I don't think this problem will ever go away. People just have to get smart and stay smart. ^By far the best version, in my opinion. Certainly not a Hillsong production, in any case.

I wouldn't even do a lunch catchup, tbh. Even regular phone conversations is too much (in my opinion).

I would keep it to texts, frankly. I have a situation a little like this. For me, asking the guy to go for a drink would be way out of bounds unless there is a good reason for it. And if there's a good reason for it, everything would be above board and it would be something I discussed and agreed upon with my partner beforehand.

It's not harmless if you're with someone who (for whatever reason) feels slighted by it. Why continue to do battle with her over this? She is who she is. She doesn't have to change, even if you and everyone else on the planet feels that she is not entitled to have the insecurities that she has. You are who you are, and you don't have to change, either. You can either continue to engage in a constant right-fight battle, or you can have peace. If you want peace, you have two choices: 1) find another partner, or 2) exercise discretion and stop 'blindly' following people back on social media.

Good questions to ask yourself. Are you chasing other people's idea or your own?

I just have general advice. This is moving very fast, you're going against your own rules, she's right out of a divorce. I don't see a lot of potential for clear thinking. I think you should put the brakes on. She'll either get it and go along, or she won't. If she doesn't want to slow down, you'll have your answer.

How did your resignation go? Have you started your new job yet?

I don't have an opinion on the birthday issue either way, but I agree that MrMan has invested more than a 'casual' level mental energy on planning their next date. 'Casual' is spur of the moment, serendipitous. No intention. If you're intending to have a casual relationship, you're already kind of trying too hard. For your own peace of mind, MrMan, I encourage you to take her at her word that she is not looking for anything serious. She's got a lot on her plate, being young and in demand. She may not yet know what she wants, and (inconvenient though it may be for men in general) she has a right to take her time to decide. And she should. In all likelihood, the heavy male attention will continue well into her 30s. There is no rush for her, unless she has a drive to be married or have children. She may break a lot of eggs to make her omelet. Some of those eggs might be yours. I think that if you continue to plan 'casual' dates, you will set yourself up for a situation like this:

Why don't you reach out to the new management company?

Are you interested in being part of a relationship?

I think the best thing for you would be to excise him from your life. Don't wait for him to get his sht together. Go, be free.

I'd also like to chime in about this because societal pressure is a strange and surprising thing. I am a 46-year old childless woman, and I'm happy that way. But I went through most of my life expecting to get married and have a family. I even had a hazy image of two towheaded daughters in my future. It wasn't until I was 35 that it finally dawned on me that I didn't want children. What caused me to realize that wasn't the fact that I kept pushing 'marriage and children' off as all of my friends took the plunge. The realization came when I connected with someone who didn't want children. Before him, I imagined marrying every guy I dated (and I pretty much ran screaming from all of those relationships). I've since realized that I'd been mildly brainwashed. Lulled into complacency. The pressure to marry and have children is ubiquitous. It comes from everywhere: Books, TV, classmates, colleagues, clients, friends, relatives, random strangers: This is your next step. This is your future. Graduate high school, go to college, get a job, get married, have children, send them to college, marry them off, have grandchildren. I think lots of people who unsure about wanting children wander into parenthood through the channels of social pressure. Of course they fall in love with their children. I know I would have fallen in love with mine. But I don't think I would feel as happy and as fulfilled as I do now, if I were a parent. I don't know how to instruct you on how to get in touch with what you really want, because my own self discovery on this matter was a lucky accident. But I heartily encourage you to do so. The best advice I can give you is to observe your own feelings around kids. For example, here are two things that I've noticed about myself and others over the years: When someone brings their toddler into the office, I am not one of the people who gets up out of their seat to fawn over the child. My friends who wanted kids looked for reasons to take care of children. They often volunteered to take care of and/or entertain their friends' children, or their family members' children, etc. I never, ever did this. Finding a partner who had so much clarity about his own feelings was a lucky break for me. It removed pressure that I wasn't even aware of feeling, pressure that I only recognized in retrospect. I really think I could be married with children right now, if I had not started a relationship with him. So, I know how tricky it is for you if both of you are uncertain, or if you are uncertain and he wants kids.

But you have crossed boundaries: Chatting every day when your communication feels like << more >>, is crossing a boundary. There's no reason to do that except that you want to feel the << more >>. Meeting up when your communication feels like << more >>, is also crossing a boundary for the same reasons. If you're seeking opportunities to feel more << more >> with him, your in danger of doing <<more>> with him.

Similarly, when my sister and I were 16 and 17 years old, we went on a 2- or 3-night "cruise to nowhere" with our mom and shared one of those tiny inside cabins with her. I think it was literally just bunkbeds with drawers built into them. I don't think there was even furniture. Naturally, my sister and I stayed out til all hours of the night. We just used the cabin to change clothes and sleep. But, again, we were kids not 30-somethings.

Although the fact that he is going on a cruise makes the fact that that he is staying in the same room with his parents a little more believable. They have super-small "inside cabins" that are set up with bunk beds. They are great for families that want to save money. The rationale is that they only sleep there. It is kind of odd that he is going on a cruise with his parents, though.

She would have to publish the list on a regular basis, so that we could see when (and what) things shift from the "Bad" column to the "Good" column and from the "Good" column to the "Bad" column. A fascinating pattern might emerge.... 🤔

Alex has a knack for shifting things over from the "Good" column to the "Bad" column and vice versa. I'm sure it's to maintain some sort of balance.... but I wonder, what exactly is the fulcrum of that scale? or where is the fulcrum along the beam? What account, or what value, is being balanced?

Oops... just noticed this was posted on the "Dating Advice" board 😅😂😁 But I definitely think that it is warranted in some dating situations, like the one I described above, and in situations where the person isn't necessarily threatening, but won't take "no" for an answer.

Kawhi didn't specify the situation, though. I didn't assume that he or she was specifically referring to dating (although that may be the case). In the situation you describe above, I agree it's better to be direct and up front. But in my opinion, there are absolutely times in a relationship (romantic or friendship) where certain people won't take no for an answer. In these cases, it is a mature and adult and intelligent decision. For example, I found myself in a situation where a guy got more and more controlling and irrational over the course of the two months that we dated. There was no working this out through conversation. Ghosting would have provoked him too much. Slow fading was the only way because it kept his ego stroked until he finally took it upon himself to lose interest. Another example, I had a friend with a terrible drinking problem. It got to a point where I actually had to drag her up off of the bar floor at the end of the night. Her family had an intervention for her, but she remained staunchly in denial about the severity of her problem. So, I backed off gently. A third example is the generally irritating person who isn't necessarily doing anything wrong, but is extremely annoying for one reason or another. These people don't deserve to be told to eff off; they are decent, well-meaning people. But I take my space from them as I need to (slow fade).

Agree. I think you handled the disappointment perfectly. It's hard to say what went wrong though. I think that ultimately, you moved to fast in this relationship. You had a false sense of security about how well you actually knew this person. It turns out you didn't really know him at all.

That's interesting. I wouldn't have thought so.

True! Good point. I don't do that a lot, but I have done it and will do it if I think it's justifiable. For example: relationships that have no value, or relationships in which the costs outweigh the benefits--high maintenance relationships, emotional vampires, jerks, etc. It's an absolute last-resort course of action though. I only do it if I think that further communication is completely pointless.

But surely there's more to female companionship than getting your rocks off? (Although.... I've gotten reprimanded before for believing this lol)

Yick. He sounds like a Madonna-wh*re whackadoo.