deliriousdentrite

Sorry if "explosions of anger" seemed a bit dramatic, but I just meant when he does something wrong towards me I tend to get upset, even if it was something he didn't mean to hurt me. And the trust issues come from an incident in the past where he legitimately broke my trust. I really don't think I have any serious mental health issues. But I would appreciate more clarity on what you meant by me mentioning "a lot of mental health symptoms". What exactly did I say to make you think there was something mentally wrong with me?

Everything you said is not news to me of course. I know that I am responsible for my own emotions. I did not include it in my post, but he has a huge habit of lying to me when he thinks I will react negatively. I've given him many chances to be more honest, but he still would lie here and there. This is what prevented me from actually healing from my trust issues (that he caused btw, as mentioned in the post). This is also why I reacted that way and hung up on him during the first argument mentioned. There have been many times when I thought of ending things with him because he couldn't just be honest with me, but I kept holding on because I believe he can change for the better. The source of his lies are not because he's necessarily doing anything wrong, but moreso just behavior he's use to and has done ever since he was young to avoid trouble. I am extremely self aware of my own flaws and I have put myself through *** for this man because I never wanted to give up on him. I lost my own self respect, I let myself be stepped on, let so many things slide, then berated myself for not trusting him. I questioned myself countless times in my head, "Why can't you just trust him?" and would speak to myself the same way you are speaking to me now. But in the end, trust must be earned, right? Yes, I am responsible for my own actions but tell me, how do I feel safe and secure with a man who lies? Yes, I blame myself for everything. You seem to as well. But there's that small part of me that sometimes thinks this isn't my fault.

TLDR: I begged my bf of 4 years to stay with me and he agreed, but now I can't help but feel anxious and unstable. I feel worthless that he was able to drop me so easily since it was out of the blue. Idk how to move on from this situation since things now feel weird and awkward between us. I'm overthinking what I should do or say or text. Please help lol. (please read the context if possible) CONTEXT BELOW: My boyfriend of 4 years and I got into a disagreement the other day. Basically, I got upset about something and he tried to explain himself, but in that explanation I felt he was lying, so I hung up on him. He tried to text me but I was just rlly upset and wanted some space so I didn't respond. The next day I was feeling a little better, and decided that I wasn't going to throw my entire relationship away because of this small mishap. But when I tried calling him, he told me he thought we weren't good for each other and wanted to end the relationship. We've been through a lot for the past 4 years and had a rocky start. He broke my trust severely a really long while back (7 years), but in the 4 years we've officially been together, he's been the best boyfriend anyone could ask for. I'm still struggling to get past my trust issues and insecurities that formed because of that past incident, which is why I tend to get upset over small things. After that phone call, I went to his place so we can talk in person. He told me he was frustrated because he doesn't think we're growing/changing. We've had this issue about me getting upset and insecure and not trusting him for years. Along with that, we tend to neglect our responsibilities when we are with each other, and it is extremely unhealthy. I was stressed out and begged him not to give up on us. I told him it wasn't fair since he never told me that my trust issues and explosions of anger made him that unhappy. I wished he told me how much it affected him beforehand so he'd give me the chance to change myself. In the end, he agreed to stay and told me I had to stop being so critical of him and stop scrutinizing his actions. He wanted me to stop being so concerned with him and looking at him so much, and instead look at myself and work/concentrate on bettering myself. And I promised I would. The next day, I told him that I shouldn't have reacted the way I did because a relationship takes two. I asked one more time what he honestly wanted to do, and said whatever his decision is, I would accept. He told me he wanted to try again. I asked him why he would try to break up with me, and he said it was because he was scared we wouldn't work out. I asked how can we move on from this, and he said step by step. Things are relatively quiet now, it's been 2 days since the incident. I feel like I just got shot, and now I'm trying to get back up and recuperate. I'm going to keep my promise and start working/concentrating on myself. I'm gonna stop obsessing over what he's doing, and force myself to not look at anything related to him whatsoever (activity/location). If I ever get the urge to see what he's doing, I will combat that by doing selfcare (shower/walk/drink tea/call a friend). I would also appreciate advice on what to do if I ever start to feel anxious about him. Right now, for example, I am feeling quite anxious because he sent me a good morning message asking how I slept, and I replied but he has not yet responded to my reply and it's already the evening. This is a bit normal for us, but I'm getting particularly anxious right now. I'm thinking maybe he changed his mind about us trying again, or maybe that incident made him lose feelings for me or fall out of love with me. And perhaps he didn't realize it at the moment, but does now and doesn't know how to break it to me. I wanna stop being concerned and anxious entirely, and just focus on myself like I promised. I want to learn how to do this, not only for him and the relationship, but also for myself.