BreakingSad

I hated that you texted me this morning. We haven’t talked in over 30 days and you just message me out of the blue about some dumb movie. I had such a high today after hearing from you. And reality set in a few hours later on what was happening… I don’t want your stupid bread crumbs or manipulation tactics. It just kills me more. I just want us. Whatever that is. I want to see your beautiful face and hug you for 20 minutes and both of us just cry. And then talk. I miss you so much. More than you’ll ever know. My heart is broken trying to get over you. My heart is broken if I wait for you. There is no winning here and I hate it. I am tired of the pain I carry around with me every day. I’m tired of seeing your ghost every day. I just want it all to end.

Haha, ok no balloons. Thanks for the honest responses. You’re right, I’ve been letting my emotions get the better of me. The way I’ve been acting has gotten out of control. I don’t need a letter, I don’t need external validation, and I need to stop believing we loved each other in a healthy/emotional way. It was a 7 month fling between 2 unemotionally healthy people. That’s really it. I am working on detachment in general, stop controlling outcomes, and just focusing on the present and improving my own life. Today I worked on living in the present and worked really hard on just focusing on things that made me happy. I read, walked, went to a coffee shop and even made a couple of friends. It felt good to just enjoy myself without worrying about if I could get her back, or why she is angry with me or all those other negative emotions stunting my growth. I still have a long way to go but thanks for the brutal but honest feedback. Wu-Wei

Thank you for this. I reflected on this a lot this morning. This is yet another comment that knocks her off the pedestal I put her on. You’re right, she was never available in what I want/deserve. I got caught up in unethical situation with a confused/hurting woman and allowed it because of my self-esteem/emotional issues. I don’t think she ever loved me like the way she said she did (Or maybe she did but we definitely have very definitions). It’s time to come to terms that this was never going to work because we wanted different things, her not processing her divorce, my issues, age difference etc. etc. And through the last couple weeks I 100% agree that the second hand comments I’m hearing fuels my sadness. She literally needs to be dead to me in every sense of the word. If you are keeping up with my posts you know i have slight flair of the dramatics but again…I am writing her one final letter and tying it into a balloon and release it to the heavens. The only closure I need is found within myself. While I still cry every day it’s went from 3x times a day to 1x. Progress is progress. That’s the only way I can continue my journey of healing includes defining better boundaries, explore my emotional issues, better understanding and coping with my HSP and possibly BPD, working on mindfulness, therapy, working out, living in sobriety, and building a life I’m proud of. I don’t need validation from someone who says she loved me one week and hated me the next. That’s her process and has nothing to do with me. That’s not love or anyone I need in my life. The last few days I’ve really been focusing on living in the present and just being positive - smiling, helping people, complimenting people, and just putting out positive energy in the world. I keep telling myself that I completely mistook this situation for whatI thought it was and I need to explore more why I allowed it and was ok with why I let it get so far. Thank you for all the positive feedback and the swift kick in the behind.

I appreciate the advice but i am in a much better place and don’t need to go to such extremes. I have no problem staying sober - I did it mostly because I’m starting to work out an taking my health more seriously. I don’t miss alcohol at all. I see a therapist weekly and every night I’m reading self-help books and improving myself. I meditate twice a day and actively work on living in the present. My therapist does not think I have BPD and I’m psychologist was unsure about (he just thought I ha some of the symptoms). My therapist definitely thinks I’m an HSP which I’ve always agreed with. So, we have to look into that some more. I have implemented all NC including stopping to talk to our mutual friends. And I think talking to my support group about all the wonderful qualities about me was about the most amazing and positive thing I did. It helped with my self esteem and really enforced that one persons opinion of me doesn’t matter. And writing down self-affirmations and positive quotes to remind myself to stay on track I think is also positive. Yes, these last 30 days have been hard but I’ve seen significant progress through my grieving process (which hits everyone differently). So, I think I’ll stick my own path of physical, mental, and spiritual growth. If it gets worse Ill def a Neuro but I don’t think it’s needed at this time. Thanks for all your advice! It’s much appreciated!

Agreed. I went out with a couple of buddies tonight who basically beat that into my head. 1) My friend is not casually offering up this info. I kept asking. Which is toxic and a form of me trying to keep tabs / hold on. No different than looking at pictures of her. I also found her friends are also on this band-wagon of hating me. It just stunts my healing process. NC is NC! 2) If my friend is talking to me about her I’m sure it’s vice versa. And if I’m putting off this vibe that I want to win her back and I want to apologize - it just gives her more power and validates her anger (the pedestal). I’ve already talked to my mutual friend and said please let’s not talk about her again. I am over it an moving on (I mean I’m not completely over it but in terms of my mutual friend conversation - I just wanted to fake it until I make it so the conversations end). She was super kind about it and agreed. She was a bit exhausted about how much I brought it up. I bought her a thank you card for being a good friend and a gift card so her and your boyfriend can have a nice dinner. As a matter of fact, I’m hanging out with the mutual friend tomorrow with a bunch of people and Sunday - she’s going to help me buy new furniture. I am not going to bring her up once. I am going to live in the moment and try to find my fun self again. My ex took the route of deflection/projection/protection/crap talking, ton of anger. That’s valid for her but none my concern and nothing I want to be involved with. I am taking the route of healing properly- therapy, journaling, working-out, self help books, hanging out with healthy friends, being sober etc. Also valid but none of her concern. I am absolutely exhausted from crying over someone who isn’t crying over me. Im exhausted for trying to fight for someone who isn’t fighting for me. I’m exhausted for taking responsibility for everything that went wrong when she won’t take any. I’m exhausted from wanting to have a rational conversation and she doesn’t want anything to do with me. I know I have my issues / low self-esteem but enough is enough. As much as I love her (or the person she used to be) this is not worth it anymore. I could give a crap less about age differences and emotional affairs and all that…In the end…. If people don’t see the things that make me great and unique, they have no place in my life. If people speak negatively of me, they have no place in my life. If people don’t care to resolve differences and work through challenges in a loving matter, they have no place in my life. My inner circle loves me for all the reasons I mentioned above. Those are the people I need to focus on. My daily reminders: • Never forget your own worth. • No one can make you feel inferior without your own consent. • I cannot control others’ opinions and actions. I can only control how I choose to respond. • Everything I need exists within me. • My emotions and feelings are valid. • Don’t ever convince anyone to love you and stay in your life. You are a gift. You are a prize. If they don’t want to be there that’s a sure sign they’re not supposed to be there. • If someone wants to leave, let them leave. Your destiny is not tied to people who walk away. • You deserve someone who can commit. You deserve someone who loves you enough. You deserve someone who appreciates everything about you. • Stop replaying the past and thinking about the future. All we have is the present. Cherish it. • Always forgive yourself. You are an amazing person and always do the best you can. If someone doesn’t see that, that is their loss – not yours. • The only closure or validation you need exists within yourself, not others. • Love is not an attachment. Being attached is not loving or being loved. Attachment shows the fear of losing. • if you love something set it free if it comes back it was meant to be. (The most cliche of all) • Energy cannot be destroyed. Turn your internal sadness and grieving energy to make positive moments and better yourself. • This is tough but so am I! • Every thought you have, ask yourself – Is this helping me move forward and be a better person or is it stunting my growth and living in a past you can’t control. • Somethings break your heart but fixes your vision. • Someone who values you would never put themselves in a position to love you. • You will not heal by going back to what broke you. • I may have lost someone who didn’t love me, but you lost someone who truly loved you. • I’m walking away because you were too busy finding faults in me while I was overlooking yours. • I am tired of fighting. For once, I want to be fought for. • One of the best times for figuring out who you are and what you really want out of life.. Right after a break-up. • Don’t waste moments waiting and wondering. Don’t throw away your time dreaming of someone that doesn’t want you. No one is that amazing, certainly not the one who would pass you up. • You may have a fresh start any moment you choose, for this thing that we call ‘failure’ is not the falling down, but staying down. • Nothing hurts more than being disappointed by the one person who you thought would never hurt you. • Don’t let someone who isn’t worth your love make you forget how much you are worth. • When you know your worth, you don’t lose people. People lose you. • You deserve someone who would never dream of losing you. • Cease seeking a stranger’s heart to love when your own remains neglected. • I’m only me. That is all I can be. No more, no less, don’t second guess. I love, I live, I laugh, I cry. I’ve wished sometimes that I could die. Some days I’m funny, others I’m not, sometimes I’m in overdrive and I can’t stop. You may not like me, but that’s okay because this is me and how I’ll stay. • The toughest part of letting go is realizing the other person already did. “I cannot compromise my respect for your love. You can keep your love, I will keep my respect. • I didn’t lose you. You lost me. You’ll search for me inside of everyone you’re with and I won’t be found.” • “Most importantly, you must always have faith in yourself.” • “Love yourself first, and everything else falls into line.”

I heard more from my mutual friend that my ex said I gaslighted, yelled, would point fingers, was untrustworthy, had bad character and lied. It made her feel psychologically unsafe she said. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. No one ever has described me as that. Is that who I am? Is that how people perceive me? It caused me to reach out to my mom, dad, sister, 4 close friends, 2 cousins, and 2 exes (which was awkward but whatever) and asked them if they saw those patterns in me at anytime. Because if so, I want to fix them. I also asked if I there was any other good or bad feedback I should focus on. All of them (including my exes) said Hell no. They said I was emotional at times (HSP) but it was good and bad. Instead (without me asking they said - most of them texted me a list later that I compiled) that was consistent: • I am generous. • I am kind. • I am funny. • I am charismatic. • I am friendly. • I am protective. • I am successful. • I am non-judgmental & accepting of others. • I am introspective. • I am always wanting to improve. • I am trustworthy. • I am empathetic. • I am loyal. • I am honest. • I am helpful. • I am strong. • I am successful. • I am supportive. • I am a deep conversationalist. • I am quirky. • I am an animal lover. • I am healthy. • I am confident. • I am a adaptable I am forgiving. Every time I read that list I bust into tears. How can someone I love/loved so much think I’m this evil monster. But my inner circle (well my exes aren’t anymore) say so many wonderful things. I know Im not perfect but as you read above, every day I strive to improve myself. I just wish I would stop putting so much stock into what this one person thinks of me.

It wasn’t my intent. It was to illustrate that it could have been a contributing factor in the demise of the relationship. When I found out her age, I didn’t feel like I was getting off on it. It caused me to think if it would be an issue. I mean I ain’t gonna like though…she’s smoking hot. But I don’t think thats an age thing. If she were my age and I was attracted to her, I’d like to think I’d feel the same way. But who knows. You guys could be onto something. I clearly don't know what the hell is going on which is why I’m reaching out for guidance. I struggle each and everyday with it and trying to find peace and forgiveness in my self. One day at a time…

Thank you. I’m feeling a lot better about forgiving myself. I see now that a lot of this is less about me and more about her. It’s her process to figure out. I just made some poor decisions and got caught up in a situation that was doomed from the beginning. I won’t lie, and I know it’s the grief but I do believe she’ll come back around some day (not in a romantic sense) but at least with a clear head and maybe we can exist in the same room together letting bygones be bygones. But I won’t bank on it nor is it any of my business. I am trying to look on the bright side: -I am 30 days sober -I have been journaling for 30 days -I do regular therapy -I’m part of a mental health support group -I just signed a lease to a more lively part of if my city (walking distance to everything) -I got rid of all her crap -I sold all my furniture and going to get new stuff so I have new place / new start -Just got a personal trainer -Signed up for a BPD specialist and got some workbooks on it -Reconnected with some old friends -Joined a few social clubs around town. Feels weird to do at the age of 42 but never too late I suppose. I wouldn’t have done any of this had we not broken up. So silver lining I guess.

You are right. Despite my part in this, I deserved better. Even-though, towards the end, PDA wasn’t an issue anymore, it had already worn me down. I suppose a healthy relationship (or dating) should start when both people are ready and are on the same page on what they want. And thanks to your comments - I realize despite how causal she wanted this - she did waffle - and neither of us had any business getting tangled up in this mess while she was still married / freshly divorced. It was doomed from the beginning. Not to mention the age difference. Im still gonna write the letter saying what I need to say and launch it into the heavens tied to a red balloon.

Thank you for this. When we were on the same page on what we wanted (or seemed so) we got a long great! That’s what threw me for a loop. It was only when reality set in with the age difference, the divorce, the affair, different wants/needed etc. etc. where things began to fall apart. You’re right - no matter how I slice it was a bad match. You can call it timing, age difference, personality differences…whatever. I miss her so much and I harbor no resentment. I just hope (for her peace of mind - which is none of my business) she will feel the same. Despite all your comments - I know her very well. And she is not an angry person. I feel there is something more at play here. But you all may be right - maybe she just needed the anger to justify everything. For her sake, I hope the anger will fade, she’ll get some clarity, process the divorce, and live her best life. I will continue strong with NO CONTACT and continue bettering myself. I actually wrote her an email today apologizing and explaining how my BPD had a part to play in the fighting. But I sat on it for an hour and reread your comments and then deleted it - PHEW. I figured no matter what I said it won’t change the outcome. She is done with me (which is clear from the social media block) and if I truly love her (which I do) I will respect her wishes.

Thank you for this. To put me at peace here - Can someone confirm that regardless of the BPD / fighting / her anger towards me etc. etc. This was doomed from the beginning and the outcome would have been the same? In the end I got tangled up in an affair with a way younger woman who waffled on what she wanted with me but in the end used me as a temporary deflection to prolong the healing / self-discovery process? And that despite me pushing her boundaries - in the end - I wanted more than she was a capable of giving me? And that no matter what, I needed to be out of the picture so she could go through her process? I’m not saying i was innocent in any of this. I made many poor choices. But I think I’m taking on a lot (if not all the guilt). I would feel better and be able to forgive myself knowing that I wasn’t completely at fault and that she had a big role to play in this. And again, no matter how well we got along or didn't…this outcome would have eventually played out anyways? And maybe consider myself lucky I was able to get out when I did? Or am I way off base?

How do I forgive myself for driving her away?

I have already and I’m working through that part. It’s just the guilt/regret of ruining this and not forgiving myself is what I’m struggling with.

Thank you. I wasn’t diagnosed with BPD until after the relationship (or whatever it was). So, I never had a chance to talk to her about it. She just thinks I was toxic or not being authentic. That’s what kills me. And now that she has blocked me and is at peace - I have no way to explain anything to her. As I right this, I’ve been in bed all day crying - I keep writing emails/messages trying to make amends/explaining. But then I realize how stupid that is and throw therm in my journal. I’ve been reading a lot on BPD (I don’t have it badly.- lighter side of the spectrum) - but still now I see it’s impacted all of my major relationships. And because of it - I lost someone who meant the world to me. And there is nothing I can do about it now. I just feel so defective and wish I knew about it sooner so I wouldn’t have lost her. Furthermore, the more I read on BPD I see how hard / virtually impossible it is to keep a romantic relationship for the long-term. That kills me inside. Because I want to be married and have kids some day. And at the age of 42 I don’t think that’s possible anymore. Even though I am doing therapy, reading self help books, podcasts, videos, journaling etc. etc. I feel so lost and alone with all this. I’m sure she’s moved on and doesn’t care anymore. While I’m stuck with all this guilt, shame, regret, and sadness. I just want it to all go away..

Melody, I never got the chance to apologize. I know we can’t be together and I am not trying to win you back. But I wanted to apologize for how things went down. But you’re so angry at me you won’t even give me the time of day. I have to remain no contact to respect your space. I hate it. I hate all of this. Just 2 weeks ago you were saying how much you love me and how we’ll eventually be in each others lives. Rebuild and Reconnect you said. And after a week of silence - you call me up and say I need to move on because you need to be on your own. “No Future Plans” you said. It was a multiple stab wounds to my heart. You were so short and cold with me. I understand and not fighting why you need/want to be on your own. But I don’t understand the hate you harbor towards me. I didn’t do anything awful to you. It makes so sad and every time I think about it I start to cry. i am doing my best to get over you and move on. I’ve stopped checking my phone because I know you’ll never reach out again. This is it. I never got to say I’m sorry or goodbye. And I hate it. I ####ing hate it. After all we been through I never thought you would harbor unwarranted resentment toward me. I at least thought we could leave on amicable terms. So, I just wanted to say sorry here. I’m sorry for any of the pain I caused you. And I hope you have found peace in your new life. I know the person I used to know is dead and everyday I continue to mourn your loss. Life will just never be the same without you. I’ll carry this pain with me everyday. I love you so much and goodbye. -BreakingSad