me4ta

That's I was planning on doing - the very first day it had happened - and he seemed like decided to just don't pay attention and then suddenly so much anger two days later..... Would you react the same way (upset) if something like this was done by the person you liked? of if you don't care about this person, you pretty much don't react to such blunder at all? I'm just curious.

This is kind of an odd one - I had this fling with my co-worker, we weren't dating or anything, had slept 3 times and after a 3rd time - when we went to my place for lunch - it was just not the same anymore, he'd stop talking to me flirtatiously, we'd still talk - but it was just friendly - mind you both of us were on the project that was very time consuming.....but I still kind of noticed he'd lost interested, he'd never invite me over to his place - we're neighbors on top of that. So last week I walk out of my office - see him walking towards me all smiles and he goes - omg i had this indian food right now, my stomack is all upset bla bla bla - i think to myself - that's not really attractive, why do i need to know this.......so I tell him "sorry you feel sick bla bla bla" go back and start typing an IM to my guyfriend with whom i already had a conversation that day - so i describe the story that my co-worker had told me this walking out of the restroom and asking him - what is it with you guys? do i need to know this? - and i send - and suddenly I realize i sent it to my co-worker/fling...... He was like "i wasn't walking out of the restroom" - I almost fell off my chair from emberassment so i typed - I wasn't talking about you.....a white lie - and he said oh ok .... same day later HE IMed asking me to wish him good luck at this even he was going to, pretending as if nothing happened and being nice - i was nice as well....but then two days later - he was furious as soon as I asked him about the event - since he was away for two days - he was like "oh so now we're talking, i'm not just some bathroom freak - i'm bothered that you're talking to whoever about me like that.... i don't want to talk to you right now" so he sounded really pissed off - i appologized, but what else can i do? I can't take it back.....but now I don't really understand was he expecting me to call/IM/sms him with appologies that's why he became pissed over the those two days? or what? I mean, he lost interest, what does he care ? or was the interest still there but his ego is bruised? I wish i'd never gotten involved with him, but too late now...any suggestions? Sorry for the long post.

You started with a game - calling 3-4 days later - were you affraid of seeming too desparate? - why do you care that much? Maybe she's playing the same game with you - not picking up right away and calling you several hours later. Although i don't understand why would anyone call back at 12am - that seems kind of odd. Call her back, leave her a message if she doesn't pick up again and if she calls you again, at some weird hour without leaving you a message - that's just a mess - I'd back off - but if you get to talk - you might hear some kind of explanation - she might have been at work, maybe she works a late shift and can't really use her cell there.....always give a benefit of a doubt to new people you meet.... That's just my two cents.

That's weird because it's been 7 months since the break up and about 2-3 months since my last post here...and suddenly today I felt kind of down, for the first time in months. And you know what, I guess for each person it's different, I don't want him back. But I also have to agree that I've personally learned so much about relationships and break ups.....just read a lot of stuff on psychology and it helped me a lot. I have so much desire to meet the right person, and I have so much positive attitude right now...but for some reason, I can't get over this anger at him. For instance last weekend, he invited all of our mutual friends to his place to watch SuperBowl, and of course I wasn't invited....and I know it's because his current gf is afraid of me, afraid that I might steal him back (in december he and I bumped into each other on this corporate event and talked, about nothing, like old friends...and she happened to see it, so I don't know what she was thinking, but she started crying, bumping into chairs and tables, infront of her co-workers....we were talking infront of everybody, there was no intention of making a scene, but apparently she felt scared and jealous that we could make up). So anyways, I felt that it was just not fair, I played such a big role in his life and because of his new insecure silly gf - I am almost like a persona non grata....That felt weird.

You see, you know my story just a bit, my ex probably was building some kinda attraction towards this girl and broke up with me in a flash while being drunk because he was too much of a whimp to do it sober and started dating that girl right away. I can't imagine and understand how you can be with one person and supposedly have feelings for that person and then just stop everyting and start over with a new person. Just the thought of him sleeping with her in the same bed he slept with me a week prior...is just still not registering with me well. I know exactly what you're going through, it's very hard to comprehend, but unfortunately you can't change jobs, so this is a real test for you. You have to control yourself, don't blame yourself by any means, it's not like he never wanted to try to be better with you - it's just you were not the girl he felt he needed to be better with. And it's not your fault, and it's not his fault either. It's just we get confused, we make mistakes - men are in matters of love are as confused as we are and are impolsive as well. You need to understand that sometimes what we feel is not what other people are feeling - unfortunately. You can't blame yourself, because you've done nothing wrong - you guys were well suited for each other on a surface, on some level, but not on all levels. You see, if you were in his shoes, finding a guy at work with whom you had connection for a long time - you would have been looking at it from a stand point of - yes, it is possible to feel something more for another person. but since it had not happen to you yet - you have to heal and try to make yourself to understand that HE IS NOT THE ONLY AND LAST PERSON YOU WILL EVER LOVE. He's just not. It's hard to believe in it, but you can do it. I spent nights without sleep, I'm still not dating, but I believe that I can find better. If I can, so can you. People go through much worse situations than you and I, and they move on, the find happiness - so think about that and try to move on. I know you're strong enough to do it.

Well, I'm not advocating it, but if you are really depressed, talk to your doctor, maybe he can prescribe you something during this time to calm you down. Depression is a very scary thing, so if you feel that you can't cope at all, I suggest to go to the doctor and see what he/she can tell you you can do.

I"m sorry to hear that it all ended this way - it's hard to realize things like that about the person you once cared so much for. Sometimes, being disappointed in your ex really helps you to move on, because you, as you well put it, realize that it's not up to him to take you back or not - it's YOUR decision because you don't want him - and that gives you some sort of comfort, even though you hurt so much. It's good to let it all out, your grief your pain, your tears, but not in front of him of course.... Just let yourself to go through this pain and it'll get better. Of couse it's hard that you see him a lot at work - you could possibly concider finding yourself another job, maybe you'll find something very cool and exciting, with lots of new faces and who knows who you might meet there. Just concider it. If you need to vent, just PM me.

Oh it is a big gamble, if you think about it, we fall in love when we're teenagers for the first time without even thinking and knowing what hit us. We love with all our heart and we don't even think or even know what it would be like to lose that feeling....until it hits us. We break up for the first time and if it's painful, it stays with us for a long long time, sometimes even for ever. I was afraid to open up for a long time after my old boyfriend cheated on me with my friend and I was getting over that for almost 2 years, even though our relationship with him lasted only a year and a half. My recent ex didn't get to hear from me that I loved him, and I was and still questioning if I loved him at all - I just closed my heart onto this, and played it safe - in the end I lost still. So after this recent break up, I realized, when we find that one person that touches our heart and soul - there's no guarantee that it'll last, but you can't live in your "shell" and play it safe all your life, you have to take chances. So now I know that I will be taking chances, and if it means to break up with a person who's not good for me and I know it deep in my heart - I will take that risk. We live only once, you know.

I'm glad I could help - my mom performed that kind of "brainwashing" on me every single day until I got a sense of this whole thing and got much much better. So I'm passing on the good stuff to people who need it. You need to hear a rational point of view, because when we start thinking too much about this whole situation we're in - we tend to overdo it, even though as you said deep down inside we know all the right things we have to do, we just don't listen to ourselves. Anyways, don't worry about your bd, everything is going to be fabulous, you know it ! You are great, remember that, and he's in the past ... poor him....you're gonna do so much better, you know it, you just don't believe it yet, but you will, I promise, we all will.

I'm sorry to hear you're going through this again in one year - this year is so bad - so many people I know, including myself, broke up. Anyways, you seem needy to him, you call him, beg him for explanation, he's holding all the cards and can play this game however he wants and can. You feel this way because you can't change it or influence his decision, I know what you're going through. The only thing that you can do is to tell him that you're evaluating this relationship too - without letting him know whether you mean it in a bad way or a good way - put your pocker face on. I'm not telling you this to get back at him or to get him back, but really, reavaluate this relationship. He's a flirt, he knows you know it and he knows it bothers you so he does it anyway, on purpose and gets mad because you're being yourself because it's not acceptible if you're together to flirt in front of your gf with other women. It's disrespectful. Do you really want this in your life? Do you really want to go through this all the time. If you think about it, if it ends, you'll have to go through this hardship just one more time now - and you're not gonna die from it - it'll take time and effort, but you'll get over him - BUT what's ahead of you is possibly a healthy relationship with a person who's going to be respecting you, loving you and not messing around with married women. Think about yourself, honey, you have to protect yourself - you cant let some guy hurt you like that.....it's like a really painful stick in your finger, you can pull it out and it'll hurt for a bit, or you can leave it and it'll start infecting you, so you'll be in more pain than in the first option. Being in a relationship that hurts you everyday for years is much worse than ending a bad relationship where you'll be in pain just for a few months. I hope it helps. Good luck.

Well, I have to say, I went on dates with guys who were attractive and after kissing them, even several times - you realize - no there's no chemistry there. The thing is - ok, you kiss once, you think - hmm, something is not right, the guy leans over and kisses again - you kiss him too - and realize - hmm, maybe I was right. but pretty much, by the end of the night, you know for sure that there's no chemistry - legitimate reason. You can be a top male model, but if there's no spark or somthing like that, and one/two/three kisses are enough for one person to realize that there's just something that's not working, it's awkward, it doesn't feel right, no butterflies in her stomach - it's off. Why are you so stressing about it? There are indeed so many women in this world you can have chemistry with, it's ridiculous...don't let this one occurrance stop you from being contempt with yourself, and move on. Women are not confusing or confused - we are a different gender, we have different perception on things - women are more emotional - that's why your girl kissed you to realize it wasn't working for her.....men are more logical - that's why you're taking in concideration what she'd told your mutual friend and actually DID than how she felt like for you.

Just out of curiosity, HURTBYLOVE, how long your ex was with that person before they broke up? The rebound person that is... My ex also left me and as I found out later for another girl whom he started dating almost right after our break up. It's been 4, almost 5 months for them, and I can't help but hoping their "honeymoon" period is up and they start hating each other Sometimes I stop myself and think - this is so bad to think and wish things like that, but I was hurt and I can't help it... Although, I have fun, I'm not crying anymore, and I'm not thinking about him all the time anymore as well - but sometimes, and especially during this holiday season, thoughts of him creep into my head...uuggh!

Muneca, I think you're right, thank you for your advice. and regarding the guy - he's not a shy type, at least socially, but I don't know how he's usually with girls, I haven't seen him in action with others.. We've been friends for awile and he dated this girl for a long time and more than a year ago they broke up cause she cheated on him - he certainly looks like he's over her. And seriously, he's not 15, he's almost 30, come on, it's just silly to be shy at that age

OK, i'm definitely getting mixed signals from this guy, who's been my friend for a while but recently we both became single and started hanging out together, not just by ourselves, sometimes with other people. He tried to fixed me up with his friend who expressed interest in me to him, but I didn't like that guy and I told the "friend" (lets call him that) about it. So, he's my neighbor too, so sometimes we "carpool" to parties together, and people started asking me and him if we're together and we say no. But this guy can sometimes blurt out that he missed me, or just send me a random SMS when I was out of time "you better miss me", or start smelling me, because he's going crazy about my parfume and he would tell me that I smell amazing. But, ne never initiates anything, like asking me out, or anything like that, it's all kind of weird, because his friends, guys, would start out of the blue lecturing me that he's a great catch and I have to "grab" him and bla bla bla....and I say that I think a guy should pursue a girl.... Anyways, i don't run after guys, I just don't know how, I might do it intuitively, without knowing I'm doing it, but never on purpose, so I think this guy thinks that I like him only as a friend, and I even told him I liked him two nights ago when we were at the club, and we were drunk actually, and he said he liked me too - but that was that...nothing else... So, I don't know what to do and I refuse to go to the guy and force him to tell me how he feels, because like in that book "He's just not that into you" I believe if a guy likes a girl - he'll go after her. Am I right???

Well, my answer is going to be very different than others here......remember guys, she's in Ukraine, do you know what's going on there now? THey are on the brink of some very big government problems. Does she have money? Because if she doesn't, she's expecting you to actually drop everything and play "prince charming" game and tell her you want to be with her, and together doesn't mean on the phone, but actually there (England) with you. I'm from Russia, I know what I"m talking about, even though I was never in the similar situation but believe me, I know what's going on..... Again, unless she's from a wealthy family there - your phone calls don't do her any good. Besides also, if this is love - it's hard to keep it over the phone, but in my own personal opinion - this girl doesn't want to hear you say "let's get back together" if it means only on the phone. That's why she said 2 weeks - to shake you up so that you went there to get her out of that mess of a country where their president has a criminal record (fact)...

I know it hurts and I know that leaving someone over the phone, or just get their stuff from an apartment and letting know about it post factum...it's so so BAD..... What i'm trying to do is cheer you up, people.....I know you feel lonely, I feel lonely at times too, and for the past several days I've been thinking that I'm not even going out that much lately to meet someone new, even though I dated so much since the break up - unfotunately all freaks...but I have to say, for some reason, I don't care anymore, I'm trying to have fun for myself, not going and deliberately look for a significant other...that never works - Murphy's law.... But just to cheer you up, again, people who do the aforementioned things when breaking meaningful, long term relationships are low, they are whusses who cannot face you with respect and do it gracefully. What really kills me is how great they might have been to you guys, your exes, but at the end acted like that - was in the end you saw their true faces....that's what I wonder about.... We may never know...but my advice is keep up cheering yourselves up, go out, try to go out alone if you don't have friends who can accompany you....I do it, I took myself to see The Grudge on Halloween - OMG, guys, that was awful, I thought I'd die from horror LOL and all others in the movie theatre were with someone, and I was alone hiding in my shirt - and you know what, I didn't feel like a loser, I felt empowered that I can do that - you don't have to have someone, even just friends to be a whole person - you can do stuff alone. Imagine you're in a new city - what are you going to do, sit at home and feel sorry for being lonely, no you'll go out and try to find new friends. Flatmates is a good option, I've been thinking about it myself. So don't feel sorry for yourself, don't think you're lonely, because you're not....it's also in the eye of the beholder - there are so many things that can make your day better, you just have to open your eyes on positive sides of this whole experience. Of course your friends envy you that you're single, Trish - being single is actually very empowering, and I know now you wish you weren't - but what can you do, you have to use this time to your advantage.

You know....I totally, completely, understand what you're saying, my ex didn't have guts to break up with me sober...he had to be absolutely drunk to have strength to blurt out that he thought we were not meant to be and he wanted a break....he also went head and started dating a girl that was there at the bar where he broke up with me 15 minutes prior....the girl I suspected that night he was running after....I saw them. Well, I'm angry at him, I think it's low, but at the same time, I think that ok, if my ex had an itch in his pants for that girl, or if I don't know what happened to your ex, she might have been in love with that guy for a while, so to you it's been only 2 days since she stopped loving you, but to her it wasn't 2 days, it could have been months....so what I'm also saying that even though I despise my ex for breaking up with me drunk, I understand that it's scary to be sitting there and breaking someone's heart, and someone that used to be loved by them.....In your ex's defence I can say that probably she was scared to face you, that doesn't mean that she's a good person because she was scared - you have to have guts to say to someone you like them, and you have to have guts to say to someone you don't like them anymore, she at least owed you that... My point was.....we have to stop agonizing and hoping their lives will go sour for what they'd done.....believe me, if she's not the lowest of the low, she regrets doing this over the phone with you, she's just a big chicken s--t and decided to walk away so that she couldn't see your eyes.... Again, my point - yeah, she might get married next year, she might not, who knows, as far as you - start thinking about yourself, that YOU might be getting married next year, YOU might be dating this hot model in two weeks, or YOU can be doing the most exciting things you never got to do, and oops, she is not there to see it, her loss. Good luck to you.

I hear you....I was just kind of thinking and thinking about some other people's posts and thought that it was not fair to say "oh, people like my ex will never know what real love is and will never find it"....Yeah we bound to be angry at them, I'm not on speaking terms with my ex, although he never indicated he didn't want to talk to me, but I am angry at him for leaving me for some other girl who never even liked him before I started going out with him.....But that's another story... I just think we should stop thinking about how their live is going to be miserable without us because if they end up getting married to that person they left us for....who's miserable now???? Everyday now, I'm getting better and better, I'm telling you, I look back at myself, how low I was only two months ago, hoping, thinking, getting absolutely terrified of solitude.....pain is going to pass and that's what we should be concentrating on....Beautiful future, how great it's going to be, that's what we should be thinking about, not how miserable someone is going to be without us......maybe, just think, maybe they were miserable with us.....who knows....sad, but why leave us if we were so great.....so my advice - work on yourself and be positive. I'm doing just that...good luck people !

Just to keep all of you on your toes....I want to throw this to a table.... I've been dumped 4 months ago, some of you saw my posts and I don't want to go into detail, cause I tend to think of my self as 85% healed....thank goodness... Anyways, what I wanted to comment on is that some people here, and on other posts say that Oh, I hope those guys get the taste of their medecine, oh they are not good people, they treated us badly, oh they will never find love because they are low for treating us like hell, and WE on the other hand should learn or learnt from this and if we are to break up with someone in the future will NEVER treat them like we were treated by our exes now....bla bla bla. Well, I hate my ex, don't get me wrong, not because he dumped me....well, that a bit too but for what he'd done afterwards.....hooking up with his co-worker girl I knew right after dumping me....bla bla bla, all the things he'd done....don't wanna go into details..... But I couldn't help but thinking, if you or I were in our exes' shoes....we are not perfect, none of us are.....what is the RIGHT thing to do that some of you are referring you....what respect are you talking about? When it comes to breaking up with someone, there's no "right" thing that you can do....because if you go and sleep with someone right away, or just simply disappear and leave that person alone to heal, or stay single for a while, or what have you.....you will always be in the eyes of your dumpee - a wrong doer.....what do you think about that? That's a catch 22, Ladies and Gentlemen....as a dumper, you can never be good guy for a dumpee... Correct me if I'm wrong...

Should I add that wine gets better with age?........

I watched this really interesting documentary with a funny title "What the bleep do we know". Basically it's a lot of interviews with different scientists on human emotions, self image and love from the stand point of quantum physics. I'm a complete zero at sciences even though I'd taken it but basically not to go into the exlanation of what physics has to do with your problem, I'll tell you what I heard there. When we look at one object and if our brain is monitored, certain parts of the brain light up, similarly if we close our eyes and imagine the same object - same parts of our brain light up - hence, our brain doesn't know the difference between real and imaginary. So when they started talking about our attachments to people for instance, this is what is going on - when we remembering stuff, our brain is perceiveing it as reliving, hence you are not moving on, you are kind of still there in the past - not physically of course, but mentally...that's why if we remember doing something and we get shivers - it's our brain reliving the same emotions and sending signals to the rest of our body. You are forcing yourself to life in the past - you are not allowing yourself to live in the now and look at the future. In the same movie they said that when we have positive thoughts - everything around us kind of works out, because we look at things differently, we notice good things, like all green lights on the road, etc. When we have negative thoughts, we think - omg, everything sucks, even this is not working out, my boss is yelling at me, etc. etc. etc. You're concentrating on negative, like thinking about you being in your 40s and that you've spent 8 months and still miss your ex and it's soon to be a year and if you're getting over it that long, you're not gonna have that much time to find a new relationship since you're gonna be closer to 50s.....YOU ARE FEELING SORRY FOR YOURSELF. Don't do it, by feeling sorry for yourself, you're keeping yourself in the past: your memories are crashing you. During the past 8 months - what have you done? were you hoping for her come back, or were you thinking about starting your life without her. Think about it, she's not doing it to you, you're doing it to yoursel. You have all the power to be happy, you have to just think positive, you have to make an effort to do that even though I know it's hard, but what do you want to do - sit there and think and think about her, or make an effort and break free and find your happiness again? I hope what I wrote here motivated you at least a bit - I've been there, I know what it's like, BUT think positive, look at what you have, you're alive, healthy, you have this this and that (fill it yourself with what you are and what you have)......and think about it......some people might think you're the luckiest person because you are or have all those things......it's all relative, you can do it - just let it go.

I had a guy I dated who called me at 3am on a weekend......he was drunk and he was going through his phone book to just chat.....I don't think your ex was in a normal state to give you a call at such late hour. I would not concider even thinking about it....I would be thinking about it if he indeed call you at the normal hour. Good call on not calling him back and keeping up with the NC. Be strong.

Hey hey, a lot of hostility there, buddy. I think revenge is not the best solution...even though it provides a minute satisfaction, but if you think about it, it can come back at you - that jerk can sue you, or something, and you're gonna be even more angry at him and with more trouble in your life. I think, just let him be, what goes around comes around...you just have to be bigger person, and not come down his level. I know it's hard because you think of him sitting with his fam and laughing at you that he screwed you over and you just ate it......but doing something really bad to a person, is not gonna make you a better person, you'd be no better than he is.

Yeah, I hear ya, and Ifeel for you that this bs happened between you and that friend of yours... This site was not my only outlet, but for the most part, the fact that I couldn't talk to her and she was supposedly the closest of all of other friends I have, and my mom was getting angry at me for wining all the time (she used positive and negative reinforcement to get me out of my "misery") kind of pushed me to go online and find some website where I could read other people's break up stories - so here I am, actually, finding this site was the best thing I've done for myself during this down time... In any case, my friend changed a lot, she got selfish, and I don't know if she'll ever realize what happened....well, that's none of my business anymore. Good luck to you as well, and thanks for your support.

Well, you can only do so much, you can't make him go back to you...you can only try and if you fail, the only thing you can do is move on. You can let him know that you have feelings for him and thereforeeee it would be hard and possibly almost undoable to be his friend because you think of him as more than a friend and not being with him will be killing you. So tell him, that if he's made up his mind, you would have to take care of yourself and not see him for sometime, to get used to not being together with him.....In one case he would realize that possibly his ponishment went too far and he needs to make a move, or if he's indeed made up his mind - well, there's nothing you can do unfortunately.... I'm sorry for being so blunt, but having false hopes is not gonna do you any good, you have to take care of yourself, that's the most important thing. I was in your shoes, hoping for something that is not there anymore only will make you hurt longer. Good luck to you.